Planetbox's Neverending CYOA of Mass Confusion

Teleport to a random biology lab. Actually don't. That might end badly. Instead teleport to the Aperture Science Computer-Guided Enrichment Center.

Use a Notshaliteification Peaceful Diplomacy Staff. As in a Notshaliteification death sceptre®. As in an obscure reference. As in a spear.
STAB 'EM.
Yeah!

Uhhh. Quick push layton down that stairwell and run like a coward with his hat.

This update is brought to you by Trolley Problem Memes!

You attempt to push Layton down the stairs, even though the stairway he is on isn't really that close to where you currently on. Since I would have to disregard this entire update if I allowed this to remain truthful, let's just fiddle with the space-time continuum instead. You reach all the way over the gap and then twist your arms behind Layton so you can push him down the stairs. (Spindow) Unfortunately, Layton easily recovers by solving puzzle number fifty-eight, which requires him to determine which stairs to push off of so he can land feet-first at the bottom. You do manage to grab his hat though. It turns out that the part of his head usually covered by the hat is actually a laser cannon, which the professor shoots at the balcony you're standing on. The balcony breaks, causing you to far down pretty far. You finally land in GlaDOS's chamber, where you see the GlaDOS from Portal 2 looming over you. You immediately attack GlaDOS with a Falcon Punch, which makes GlaDOS explode into many pieces. (EmperorToad) However, it turns out that GlaDOS wasn't actually functioning in the first place, so all in all it didn't really matter. Now you have no idea where you are, and you've lost track of The Tea Team and Carl too. What will you do now?

Rebuild Glados into a dial up phone. Call motherbase to pick you up.

Decaff weapon, for sure

This update is brought to you by The 2016 US Election!

In the wreckage of GlaDOS, you happen to notice a truthful, non-fabricated cake. Heeding the words of Mario Antoinette from many years ago, you decide to consume the cake. (EmperorToad) It is quite delicious. A single tear forms in your eye as you experience the cake's wonderful flavor. After those shananigans are over and done with, you take a look at the wreckage of GlaDOS's GlaDOSy face. Deciding that you could use your lack of experience in electrical and mechanical engineering to build new things out of GlaDOS's remains, you set to work. First you attempt to build and old-timey dial-up phone. You fail. In the process of failing, you accidentally build the iPhone 10 S+ Pro Neo, which is far too large to fit in your pocket and lacks 70% of the functions you recognize, such as a power button and a screen. However, it is definitely able to make phone calls, so you decide to use it to call for help later. (Spindow) Looking around, you notice that there are still numerous spare parts left over. Realizing that your awesome coffee weapons are no longer up to snuff, you decide to switch to a new power source. Using GlaDOS's spare parts, and some bottles in a nearby mini-fridge that someone left in the facility, you build a large cannon, with two clear tanks attached to the side. One contains a bright green, carbonated liquid, while the other contains a weird brownish liquid thingy. You laugh maniacally at your fiendish creation. Your new cannon can shoot a laser of concentrated Red Bull or Mountain Dew at exceptionally high speeds, allowing you to easily destroy your enemies. (OshaliteX2, EmperorToad, and Spindow) With this taken care of, you use your iPhone 10 S+ Pro Neo to call the police, informing them that you've been trapped in an abandoned, underground laboratory and are rather upset about it. Once the phone call is over, you wait for the local authorities to come pick you up. (Spindow) After several hours of waiting, you see a light shine in from the ceiling. Looking up, you see that some kind of hatch has opened in the roof, and four figures are descending on a rope that they've dropped down to the floor. The light is too bright for you to make out any features, but you know that they must be the people sent to rescue you. Stuffing the gun down you pants in order to avoid arousing suspicion, you wait for the group to reach the ground. However, once they arrive, you make a shocking discovery. The group standing before you is actually the Tea Team, along with Carl! The police must have called upon them for assistance! Recognizing you, the three prepare for battle, while Carl runs towards a dark corner of the room in fear. You pull out your cannon and point it towards them. There's no turning back, so this battle will surely decide the fate of your adventure! What do you do now?

Take out Layton first, with the power of Mountain Dew. He's the group strategist, so eliminating him first will make handling the others easier.

This update is brought to you by Sunny D: Tasting worse than bacon since 1963!

You decide to "Do it" (OshaliteX2) I'm not completely certain what this means, so I'm just gonna assume that "doing it" is synonymous to doing an epic cartweel across the room and then doing a mid-air lariat to knock Carrie and the Earl into the far wall. Professor Layton dodges the attack by solving fifteen puzzles to avoid each of your blows, and then hits you in the face with a pipe. In response, you're like "Hey we were childhood friends man don't you remember that?" (EmperorToad) Layton says, "Even if we knew each other in our youth, there is no way I can forgive your actions!" Layton then hits you in the face with the pipe again. You shoot a stream of Mountain Dew straight at the professor. (Dimitri). Unfortunately, he dodges. The cannon strikes a canister labelled "neurotoxin" in the corner of the room, which breaks, slowly leaking the purple mist into the air with a slow hiss. After completing a puzzle, the professor shouts, "That container of neurotoxin will kill us all within ten minutes..." He points the pipe at you, and shouts, "We must finish this battle quickly! Tea Team, quickly now! Assemble, and take down this foe!"

The Grey Earl and Chamomile Carrie emerge from the darkness. You try to escape, but the three of them easily block your escape routes, backing you up towards one of the furnaces. Aparrently the furnace's motion sensors are still functional, as you hear the sound of it opening once your back reaches it. You can feel the heat from the furnace on your neck. The Tea Team quickly approaches from the front. Just when you thought the situation couldn't get any more grim, Carl appears from aroun the corner, weilding a WICKED looking dagger. You raise your cannon, but the four of them raise their weapons at the same time. It appears the two of you have reached an impasse, and you're already feeling dizzy from the neurotoxin's effects. This can't end well... What will you do now?

This is Apeture. Spontaneously summon a portal gun and use it to blind the Tea Team before making your escape.

Or summon the Monado. That would work too.

Summon emperortoad to help!

but still, shout at puzzle the bee movie script as a attack, with memes included
 
As a z move

Sadly, the "This update is brought to you by:" thing has been cancelled forever. 

Also, this isn't the same Carl, and I don't actually remember the Carl from your CYOA. I just think it's a funny name.

In order to escape this perilous situation, you grab a Portal Gun from who knows where and point it at you assailants with a shout of "AHA!" (Dimitri) They seem unfazed by the weapon, as it can't damage them or anything. However, this doesn't mean you can't try! You shoot the portal gun at Chamomile Carrie, who dodges. The orange bolt flies into the air, landing on a small white section of the ceiling. While the team is distracted by this, Carl goes in for the kill. Noticing a white tile below you, you quickly shoot a blue portal on it. Carl barely scratches your shoulder as you fall through the portal, and then start tumbling down the ceiling. The Tea Team turns to watch, expecting you to die from the fall. However, you drop your laser cannon and the portal gun, and grab the rope the Tea Team came down on. You slide down it like they do in all those action movies, and finally reach the floor, unharmed (ingoring the massive rope burn on your hands). The laser cannon lands right next to you, and the portal gun clatters to the ground farther away. You then laugh maniacally, having successfully executed your brilliant plan that you came up with in three seconds. Then the Tea Team chases after you.

What follows is an epic laser battle, except that the lasers are just streams of refreshing beverages. However, both sides of the conflict quickly begin to lose energy, as the nuerotoxin begins to affect them. In fact, The Grey Earl gets fed up with this nonsense and flees through the hatch in the ceiling. You're quickly running out of time, so you decide to execute your special move, the Bee Movie Blitz! (EmperorToad, Sable-Xeno) After many hours of watching Bee Movie memes when you should have been constructing buildings, you have the entire script memorized. With this knowledge in hand, you verbally assualt your foes by reciting the entire script as a distraction while assualting them with various coffee-based attacks. Unfortunately, this plan doesn't go to well. The Bee Movie Script is very long, and the nuerotoxin is so strong at this point that you only make it about five minutes in before forgetting most of the words and being too tired to actually continue. So, you decide to skip to Bee Movie part and just move on to the coffee part. Activating you Coffium-Z, you activate your Coffee-type Z-move, Caffeine Catastrophe! (OshaliteX2) You form a gigantic styrofoam cup of coffee above your head, and throw it on the ground. This releases a gigantic wave of coffee, directed at the Tea Team. Chamomile Carrie, who was the closest to you at the time, is overwhelmed by the attack and dies. The rest of the wave continues towards Carl and Professor Layton. However, they have a plan. After solving a difficult puzzle, Layton manages to grab the discarded portal gun from the floor, and place a blue portal on a white section of the wall behind him. Then, the two run into the portal, sending them out the orange portal in the roof. They both slide down the rope just as you did, a few seconds ago, and then they run to the other side of the room. You scoff at their cowardice, only to realize a second later why they actually fled. Turning around, you see the last of the coffee wave funneling into the blue portal. You only get half a second to look up before a huge mass of coffee falls from orange portal in the ceiling and lands directly on top of you.

With no where else to flow, most of the coffee forms a small pool on the floor of the chamber. Every once in a while, the level of the pool reaches the bottom of the portal, causing a few drops of coffee to fall back down onto your chest. You lie on the floor, of the chamber, your laser cannon to your right, too weak to stand up. You hear the footsteps, along with the splashing of coffee, and before long you see Carl and Professor Layton standing over you. Professor Layton pulls a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket and says, "You are under arrest for homicide, assualt, breaking an inmate out of prison, disturbing the peace, and various other crimes that we don't even have a name for yet. If you give in peacefully, you will serve your time in prison, but if not, we may have to finish you off. I recommend you take the former action." He tries to place the handcuffs on your hands, but you refuse to give up. You take one final, desparate plan of action. You grab your laser cannon, and before the two can react, you chug the lasers contents. (Spindow) The last thing you see is Professor Layton reaching towards you, shouting, "NOOOOOOO!" Then, the Carl and the professor fade away like blots of ink. The hallway leading to the furnace widens in front of you, and stretches up into the sky. A large wooden door appears, and opens outwards, revealing a bright light. That must be the exit! You get up and, filled with energy charge through the door. You run into the light, and find yourself running into a vast cosmos. Despite the change in scenery, you keep running, as the stars passing by around you. You hear two male voices having an argument as you run through the void, one noticeably calmer than the other. "WHAT IS HE DOING! WHY IS HE SHAKING LIKE THAT!" "I don't know... I've never seen anything like this before..." "HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM AT THIS!" "Believe me... I'm in quite a panic right now... I've just learned to keep a calm exterior." You find your vision spinning in circles, and you are suddenly falling through space. Planets and stars pass around you, as you plummet into the abyss. A cacaphony of sounds overwhelm you. The most clear of them are a loud, beeping sound, accompanied by the voices from earlier. "WHAT DO WE DO!" "I... don't know... I can't pick him up like this... Carl, please try to remain calm... If you continue hyperventilating like this, you'll breathe in a lot of neurotoxin." The beeping sound progressively gets faster and faster, and louder and louder. You clutch your head, trying to stop it, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. "Try to hold him down! Let me try something!" "O- Okay..." Despite your best efforts, the beeping gets louder and louder and faster and faster. "Oh... Oh dear... I've never felt anything like this before..." "What is it?!" "His heartrate... it's unbelievably fast!" The beeping is accompanied by more and more sounds, getting louder and louder. Then... they all just stop. You feel yourself plumetting deeper into the abyss, and before long, you can't hear anything at all.

"Carl... we should leave..." "Why? ...Oh, I see... Does that mean what I think it means?" "Yeah, it does. He's gone."

Your soul finds it's way too a 40-year old woman, who appears to be in some kind of futuristic outfit. She is standing outside a house, in a large silvery city. Most remarkably of all, the city appears to be floating in mid-air! Perhaps you've made it into the future? That remains to be seen.
So, what is your name? And what will you do?