The Virgo Interview!

I will.
Besides, the next one is pretty cool. I warn you, some of the future ones are tearjerkers.
Ooh, the Valentine's one is next! I set it to go between this one and Wedding Bells for Michael Fey (the next one in the series), which is followed by the FNaF interviews and then The Truth Shall Set Your Free. After that you'll be all caught up until I finish The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is...? and get The Big Secret Project going.
Man, I can't even keep the chronology straight in my head, since I keep thinking Wedding Bells is two interviews instead of one because of the weird plot.

The Virgo Interview doesn't have an overarching storyline, so it's easier for me. Aside from Wedding Bells, which for some reason is chronologically confusing.
I think I'll post the Valentine's interview later, although it has literally no importance to the storyline whatsoever.

I think I'll post the first part of Wedding Bells and the Valentine's interview together so we can have at least one thing with a point.

I know, it even surprises me sometimes.
Shhh... Let's pretend there's really no plot to all this.
WHICH WILL BE EASIER NOW THAT WE HAVE THE VALENTINE'S SPECIAL!
As a quick disclaimer, Avalon and Ren are OCs belonging to myself and a friend, who we shall call Scarlette in her few appearances/mentions in Le Interview. Also, this one has a few moments of suggestive content. True, it's vaguely implied suggestive content that you probably wouldn't guess was there if you hadn't warned by me, but if you're really offended by that kind of thing, skip the Leo Temple. And don't ask where that scene even came from.
I'm making it sound so much worse than it actually is.

Dear Avalon and Ren,
Greetings from the frozen north, otherwise known as where I live! I’m beginning to think Camus would really like it here- yesterday the temperature was only two degrees Fahrenheit! Yeah, it’s pretty cold. Anyway, I have a bit of a dilemma on my hands and I think that Sanctuary’s special ops division can help me out. The thing is, I really want to do a Valentine’s Day special for Sky, but I’m too busy with matters closer to home and the threequel to the Virgo Interview. It would be straightforward enough; I’d just discuss with each of the Gold Saints how they spend the holiday. Since I can’t be there, I want you to compile the interview instead. It won’t be too hard; you should be done in a day or two. The answers should be interesting, I expect. In addition, any information you gather will also be added to the files of each gold saint in the special ops division’s database. I’m not saying you should use it to blackmail them, but let’s just say the Scorpio Temple is a very interesting place on Valentine’s Day, full of information Milo would potentially pay a lot of money to keep under wraps… It’s a brilliant opportunity to get some funding! Good luck!
Yours,
Kage
P.S: Happy Valentine’s Day!

(SCENE: Outside Sanctuary, an inconspicuous-looking warehouse labeled “Macaroni Deep Storage: Authorized Personnel Only”, morning. AURIGA REN, silver saint and part of Sanctuary’s special ops division is getting the mail. The special ops division has been defunct for years, so mostly REN and her partner CASSEOPEIA AVALON just hang around their headquarters. Those headquarters being the warehouse mentioned before.)
REN: (picks up the mail) Bills, bills, bills, junk, junk, junk, another one of Aiolia’s cat magazines- why do they keep delivering them HERE?- junk, junk, junk, more bills- oh, what’s this?
(She opens KAGE’s letter and reads it quickly. Her face lights up in excitement as she runs inside)
REN: AVALON!!!! WE’VE GOT A CAAAAAAAAASE!!!!!
(SCENE: Sanctuary, a few minutes later. AVALON and REN are standing at the gates in their silver cloth, looking very, very shiny. They are also carrying a tape recorder. The underpaid warrior guarding the gate takes one look at them and lets them in. He’s heard about the special ops division; they have quite a reputation.)
AVALON: Hey, look! People are still scared of us!
REN: (smiles) That means we’re back in business, baby!
(They do a long and complex secret handshake which only saints can perform, mainly due to the flashes of light and bursts of cosmos energy involved. Then, as the amazed guard stares in awe, they walk away into Sanctuary.)
AVALON: Hey, Ren?
REN: Yeah, Avalon?
AVALON: (smirks) This could be our chance to get back at that two-timing piece of $#%^ once and for all for what he did to us last Valentine’s Day. You know which one.
REN: (smirking as well) Yes, I do. This is our chance. Honestly, he can’t keep one girlfriend, so what made him think he could date both of us and not have us know?
AVALON: (annoyed) I know, right? Who in their right mind would book two reservations for two dates with two different girls AT THE SAME TIME?! Who does he think he is, Leo Aiolia? It’s payback time.
(They stroll off, arm in arm, two women on a mission.)
(SCENE: The first temple of the Zodiac, Aries. AVALON and REN walk in. Nobody’s around. MU must be in Jamir, his home, where he repairs the cloth of saints. AVALON and REN have used his services many times, and they both consider him an acquaintance at the very least.)
AVALON: (knocks on a column) Hello? Mu? Are you there?
REN: Aries, where are you? Come on out, we need to speak with you!
AVALON: We’ve got to interview you!
(Suddenly, MU teleports into the temple, knocking AVALON and REN over)
REN: Holy cow!
AVALON: No, Taurus is the bull. Aries is the sheep. And anyway, I didn’t know cows were sacred to you. Too bad, I was planning to cook hamburgers for dinner.
REN: It’s an expression! (confused) I thought Aries was the goat!
AVALON: Nope, that’s Capricorn.
REN: Aha. Pisces, the fish, is the only one I can ever remember just because we hang out with Aphrodite so often.
MU: (trying to remind them of their purpose) Ummm, you said something about an interview?
REN: Yeah, we’re supposed to be interviewing you about Valentine’s Day!
AVALON: So, how do you celebrate it?
MU: (embarrassed) Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? I don’t. I’ve never really had a lady friend to celebrate it with. Kiki, my apprentice, is always trying to get me to get a girlfriend or something, but he’s busy today. Something about a little girl who he wants to declare his feelings to. I hope it goes well for him. (sighs) Is that what you wanted? I don’t really feel like saying more. It just seems so embarrassing that I’m spending Valentine’s Day all alone.
AVALON: (slightly embarrassed) Shall we tell him?
REN: (really embarrassed) Okay… but you have to say it!
AVALON: The truth is… we’re kind of single as well.
REN: Yeah, last Valentine’s Day we dumped our boyfriend.
MU: (startled) Boyfriend?! As in, only one between the two of you?!
REN: He was a two-timing jerk! We never found out he was dating both of us at once until he made reservations at the same restaurant for dates with both of us AT THE SAME TIME!
AVALON: (sniffles) He was the first guy I’d ever dated! (cries)
REN: Yeah, I kind of have a track record with getting dumped for prettier saints. Once, I got dumped for Aphrodite because my ex thought he was a girl… now THAT was an interesting breakup, let me tell you!
AVALON: (regaining her composure) Maybe, if you want, you could help us interview everybody. It would be nice to have another person, especially when we go to (crying again) HIS temple!!!!
MU: (sympathetic) Oh dear… you found out about Aiolia’s thing with Marin and Shaina?
REN: No, it wasn’t Aiolia. That’s common knowledge.
AVALON: (crying hard) It was… It was...
MU: It’s all right, you can tell me.
AVALON: It was… Scorpio Milo! (she falls sobbing into MU’s arms. He awkwardly pats her shoulder.)
MU: (serious) Then I’ll join you both in interviewing the others. I wouldn’t want you wandering around alone.
AVALON: (stops crying immediately and hugs him) Yay!
(The three of them set off for the next temple)
(SCENE: The second temple of the Zodiac, Taurus. MU, AVALON, and REN walk in. ALDEBARAN, the Taurus saint is sitting inside, reading something on a computer.)
AVALON: Hello! We’re here for an interview!
ALDEBARAN: (looks up, smiling. He’s probably the friendliest of all the gold saints by far.) Oh hi, girls! And Mu, what are you doing here?! Happy Valentines Day!
MU: Same to you. Say, what are you doing? (sees the document title) Is that the Virgo Interview 3? Kage really let you “proofread” it before it was released?!
ALDEBARAN: (slightly mischievous) Actually, Mu, I’m “checking it for historical accuracy!” If you want, maybe this evening we can find out about this great interview she’s keeping under wraps!
AVALON: Sorry to bother you during your historical accuracy checking, but we need to interview you about something.
REN: How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day?
ALDEBARAN: Well, normally Mu and I just hang out, since we’re both bachelors. I expect you two have dates this evening, being such pretty girls.
(REN and AVALON look uncomfortable. MU notices this and hastily covers for them.)
MU: Umm, Aldebaran? (whispering) They were the two girls Scorpio Milo dated at once who dumped him after they found out. I’m accompanying them so they don’t have to go to the Scorpio Temple. You know how Milo gets on Valentine’s Day, especially around his ex-girlfriends.
ALDEBARAN: (whispering too) Ah… poor Avalon and Ren. May I come along? I think Milo may be feeling especially bitter this year. (out loud) Mind if I join your quest for answers?
REN: No, there’s safety in numbers. I hate going anywhere near Deathmask’s temple on account of the… well, the dead people’s faces hanging on the wall.
AVALON: It’s nice of you guys to tag along. Maybe later we can all take a peek at this new Virgo Interview…
(They set off for the next temple, looking very happy indeed)
(SCENE: The third temple of the Zodiac, Gemini. SAGA’s voice and the sound of breaking glass can be heard inside. He appears to be having a raging argument with himself.)
GOOD SAGA: I’ve told you- no! A thousand times no!
EVIL SAGA: Come on, it’s Valentine’s Day and I’m desperate! Heck, if Aiolos walked by wearing a frock right now I’d ask HIM out! Give it one try!
GOOD SAGA: I don’t think that’s ever likely to happen… thank god. But still, the answer is no!
EVIL SAGA: Come on, you never think of me at all! What if I want to spend Valentine’s Day with a lady?!
GOOD SAGA: (losing it completely) WE’RE NOT GOING TO PLAY THAT DISGUSTING DATING SIM YOU DOWNLOADED AND THAT’S FINAL!
MU: Ummm…
ALDEBARAN: Well, that’s…
AVALON: Okaaaaay…
REN: Let’s just go on to another temple, shall we?
MU, ALDEBARAN, & AVALON: Yes, please!
(They beat a hasty retreat.)
(SCENE: The fourth temple of the Zodiac, Cancer. The place has a generally creepy aura. DEATHMASK is sitting on the steps, working hard on something, as he hums the song from Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared 3. REN keeps far back, DEATHMASK terrifies her. ALDEBARAN and Mu also look uneasy. Only AVALON goes to talk to him. They had been childhood playmates, but he still creeps her out a bit.)
AVALON: (steps forward, a little incredulous) Um, Deathmask? Happy Valentine’s Day. It’s me, Avalon. You know, the girl who you used to play with as a child? You put frog guts in my pigtails and I cried?
DEATHMASK: (looks up at her, and gives a creepy smile) Oh, hi, Aaaaaaavalon. I remember that; that was how we met each other. I made you this. (hands her a package which is leaking a suspicious-looking red liquid) It’s a Valentine present.
AVALON: (a little scared) Wh-what is it?
DEATHMASK: Well, I remembered that you didn’t like animal guts, so I made you something nice. It’s not even bloody or dead or anything. I just made you some pasta.
AVALON: (surprised at his nice gift) Wait- you’re the one who sends me Cappellini Pomodoro every Valentine’s day?! And writes those little notes that come with it?! I never knew- I thought it was Milo trying to get me back!
DEATHMASK: I was going to send french toast, but then you’d have guessed it was me.
AVALON: So, this is how you spend your Valentine’s Day? Cooking me Italian food?
DEATHMASK: (cheerfully) Well, that and dumping fish guts on Aphrodite’s doorstep. He hates it, but I keep doing it because seeing him scream every time he opens the door is #$%^ing PRICELESS. Oh yeah, and every year I end up outside your headquarters, trying to tell you that I sent the pasta. Unfortunately, I never got up the courage. That’s why I sent the notes with it.
AVALON: (smiles) Thank you so much! Those notes cheered me up a lot, especially after Milo turned out to be a cheating jerk. Ren was wondering who my secret admirer was. I guess I owe her 20 bucks now. She bet me that it was you after taking one look at it last year.
DEATHMASK: I’ll pay her. Who did you think it was?
AVALON: I guess I didn’t really know. But it felt like somebody I’d known for a long, long time. Somebody who knew that I really, really love Cappellini Pomodoro. And why I love it, too. Do you remember the time we both had to run through all the twelve temples twelve times while reciting facts about them?
DEATHMASK: Wasn’t that when we snuck into the kitchens to try to cook some better food? We tried to make Cappellini Pomodoro. Unfortunately, Shion caught us messing around and sentenced us to that horrible punishment.
AVALON: (laughs) I ached all over for days. (regretfully, not wanting to leave) I have to go interview all the other saints about Valentine’s Day. But later… maybe we could talk more?
DEATHMASK: (smirks not unlike CANCER MANIGOLDO, his predecessor) I’d like that.
(AVALON returns to the others. REN laughs when she tells them the story and how DEATHMASK has offered to pay the bet. MU and ALDEBARAN laugh as well as they stroll off to the next temple.)
(SCENE: The fifth temple of the Zodiac, Leo. The door is closed, so REN goes up and knocks on it. LEO AIOLIA comes to the door with a towel wrapped around his waist and looking a bit miffed.)
AIOLIA: (angry) Read the %@#$ sign!
REN: (reading from the sign) Do Not Disturb. (looks up at AIOLIA as realization dawns. She blushes.) Oh. You’re… Oh. Okay then. Oh.
AIOLIA: (annoyed) Well, it’s Valentine’s Day, isn’t it?! Can’t I spend some quality time with Shaina and Marin without you people barging in?! Go away!
(With that, he slams the door. REN walks back to the others, they were standing far off.)
MU: (completely poker-faced) Well, was he in?
REN: (blushing furiously) Let’s just go.
(They leave, the saints still questioning her about what happened.)
(SCENE: The sixth temple of the Zodiac, Virgo. SHAKA appears to be meditating in the Twin Salas Garden. The four interviewers wander in, AVALON still carrying the pasta. Suddenly, a phone lying in the grass starts buzzing. SKY is texting him. He smiles slightly and sends a reply.)
REN: Finally, some genuine Valentine’s Day spirit that doesn’t involve pasta!
SHAKA: (blushes) Oh, I was just… meditating.
REN, AVALON, MU, & ALDEBARAN: Suuuuuuure…
SHAKA: She was just wishing me a happy Valentine’s Day, and I returned the sentiment!
MU: (grabs the phone) Shaka! You’ve been texting her since early this morning!
ALDEBARAN: (smiles) Just exchanging greetings, huh? For several hours?
REN: (smirking) Send her some Indian food. Girls LOVE it when guys cook them things from their home countries and send it to them.
(AVALON blushes and covers her face.)
SHAKA: (noticing the pasta AVALON is carrying) Aha… are you suggesting that I take a leaf out of the book of Cancer Deathmask?
REN: Just noting a technique that works is all. So, Virgo Shaka, this is how you spend your Valentine’s Day…
(Suddenly, MICHAEL FEY bursts in, completely out of breath. He looks excited.)
MICHAEL: She said yes!!!!
AVALON: Say what?
SHAKA: She did?!
MICHAEL: Yes, she did! It was all thanks to you and Sky that I ever got up the courage to ask her!
REN: What’s going on?
SHAKA: Michael has asked a woman to marry him.
MICHAEL: (shouting out across Sanctuary) I’M ENGAGED, EVERYBODY!!! I’M ENGAGED TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD!!!!
SHAKA: (smiling) So, you’re going to get married. I’ll tell Sky; she’ll be ecstatic. In fact, it’ll be quite hard to stop her from flying to Greece immediately.
MICHAEL: Better start writing your speech, then.
SHAKA: Speech?
MICHAEL: Your best man speech.
SHAKA: I- I honestly expected you to ask Avery. He is your best friend, after all.
MICHAEL: Avery packed his bags a week ago. He left a note explaining that he was going to live out the rest of his life in the eighteenth century. So, he’s out.
SHAKA: But- but- I’m sure there are many candidates who are far more worthy than I…
MICHAEL: Can’t think of any. You’re not getting out of that speech, Virgo! Now, if you’ll excuse me, my fiance is waiting. We’re going to that fancy toast restaurant to celebrate!
SHAKA: (alarmed) Speech?! I think I need to lie down…
(The interviewers leave a now very surprised SHAKA pacing the garden.)
(SCENE: The seventh temple of the Zodiac, Libra. LIBRA DOHKO is nowhere to be seen. Instead, his apprentice, the Bronze Saint DRAGON SHIRYU is outside, practicing his fighting.)
MU: Oh, hello Shiryu. Is your master around?
SHIRYU: Well, no. He’s visiting Kage Flanders to help with the content of her third interview, since he was alive during the Holy War. I’m sorry, did you need him for something?
AVALON: Actually, yes.
REN: We’re interviewing the saints about Valentine’s Day. How they celebrate it and the like.
SHIRYU: (laughs) Well, I guess he doesn’t, because one Valentine’s Day, I tried to get the day off training to spend time with Shunrei. His response? “It’s Valentine’s Day? Great. Train harder!” I’m actually waiting here for her at the moment. All the other Bronze saints are off with their girlfriends. Shun’s with June, Seiya’s with Miho, Hyoga is spending some time with Ellie, and I think Ikki’s gone back to Death Queen Island to visit Esmeralda’s grave.
AVALON: That sounds nice. Thank you for taking the time to answer our questions.
REN: Yeah, this may be the first straightforward answer we’ve got since Mu and Aldebaran there.
MU: Yes, everyone else was a bit… preoccupied.
ALDEBARAN: For the record, if Aiolia has his “Do Not Disturb” sign up, then you’d better not disturb him.
SHIRYU: (realizing the implications of that) Ahaaaa…
(The interviewers thank him again and exit.)
(SCENE: The eighth temple of the Zodiac, Scorpio. The place looks a real mess. The windows are open, as is the door. None of these are even locked. Moaning can be heard from inside.)
MILO: (speech slurring, he’s totally inebriated) Hold me, Camus, I’m dying…
CAMUS: (consoling) You’re fine, it’s just Valentine’s Day. God, you can’t get drunk like this every year. It’s embarrassing.
MILO: (moaning) Camuuuuuus… it huuuuuuurts…
CAMUS: (annoyed) Well of course it hurts! You climbed onto my roof and then fell into Aphrodite’s rose garden! It’s a wonder you’re still alive after all that!
MILO: (moaning) No… It hurts to be all alone. Especially after last year…. CAMUS, YOU GOTTA STAY WITH ME, BRO!!!!! I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!!
CAMUS: (icily) Fine, I’ll stay. But only because if I leave, you’ll try to jump off a roof again and nobody will be there to stop you.
(He finally notices the four interviewers standing in the doorway. AVALON and REN are uneasy; they didn’t expect MILO to be so down on himself. He looks awful; unshaven, disheveled, wearing a dirty pair of sweatpants and a white shirt that’s not even buttoned, and eyes red from crying. In short, your stereotypical complete wreck.)
CAMUS: (quietly, to REN and AVALON) You two need to get out of here! If he sees you, he’ll start drinking again and I don’t think I’ll be able to wrestle away his drink if he’s really motivated. Can’t you see he’s depressed enough without his ex girlfriends showing up?!
MILO: (almost soberly) Well, if it isn’t my old girlfriends. (he staggers over to them, then falls against CAMUS) What’sha matter, you two? Expected me to be fine on @#$%ing Valentine’s Day?! I’m the most dumped saint in the history of Sanctuary! How could I be fine on a day just created to laugh in my face?! And you, you just dumped me on the one Valentine’s Day where I thought things were actually going my way!
REN: Now listen here, mister! We dumped you because you were dating both of us at once!
AVALON: Yeah, why would you do that?! You’d only asked me out that day!
MILO: (laughs coldly) I asked you out, Avalon, to force Deathmask’s hand! If I tried to take you out on a date, he’d kick my @$$ and thus prove his feelings. I was only trying to match you up with the saint who would have never had the courage to ask himself! And you, Ren. I loved you. I told the greeter at the restaurant not to send you in while I was with Avalon because I didn’t want you to see Deathmask attack me. Then, you showed up and both of you got the wrong idea. I never expected that to happen. (he moans) This is what I get for trying to help somebody! My life so screwed up that I can’t see straight!
MU: At the risk of making this worse, I think the alcohol is to blame for your inability to see straight, not your life.
(MILO gives a horrible moan and sinks to the floor. He lies there sobbing for a moment. CAMUS doesn’t give him his usually snarky what-the-hell-are-you-doing look. Instead, he just looks sad. REN steps forwards and kneels cautiously next to MILO.)
REN: (smiles slightly) Get up, Milo.
MILO: (defeated) What reason do I have to do that?
REN: (looking at him and realizing something) It’s Valentine’s Day, silly!
MILO: (even sadder) So what?
REN: Well, aren’t you going to take me anywhere?
MILO: (startled) You want to-
REN: (smiles) Sorry I walked out on you. You were just trying to help me. In a way, it did me a favor. You let me meet my best friend.
MILO: (sheepish, regaining a bit of his old overconfidence) Well, I always knew you girls would hit it off. Say, Ren? You think you could help me up? I kinda scraped up my knee falling in those #@$% rosebushes of Aphrodite’s.
REN: Sure. Speaking of the sassiest sushi in Sanctuary, Avalon and I have to finish these interviews about Valentine’s Day. After that, what say we try that date at the Italian restaurant one more time? (she takes his hand and helps him up) But before we go out for our new first date, shave.
MILO: (smirks) Yes, princess. Have fun with your interviewing. Here’s my statement: I celebrate my Valentine’s Day with my favorite silver saint and no-longer-ex girlfriend, Auriga Ren.
CAMUS: And I spend Valentine’s Day like any other day- keeping Milo out of trouble.
(The interviewers leave behind a much happier Scorpio Temple.)
(SCENE: The ninth temple of the Zodiac, Sagittarius. AIOLOS is being Mr. Dedicated Saint and is cleaning his gold cloth. He takes one look at them and motions for them to move on- he’s very busy. AVALON and REN roll their eyes.)
(SCENE: The tenth Zodiac Temple, Capricorn. SHURA is sitting alone. AVALON and REN ask him about Valentine’s Day and he promptly throws an urn at them. They run off past the eleventh temple- Aquarius, since they’ve already spoken to CAMUS.)
(SCENE: The last Zodiac temple: Pisces. Aphrodite is standing in his beautiful but deadly rose garden, tending to the flowers within.)
AVALON: Hi, ‘Dite!
APHRODITE: (a little bit patronizing, he thinks of AVALON and REN as little girls even though they’re only a few years younger than him) Well, if it isn’t my two favorite little silver saints! Sweet Athena, I still can’t get over how cute you look in your little Silver Cloths! It’s so adorable! Are you finally going to give in and become my apprentices?
REN: Neither of us is a Pisces. It wouldn’t work. Besides, we’d just die from those roses of yours.
AVALON: I thought Lizard Misty was your favorite silver saint?
APHRODITE: (tosses his hair in annoyance) Misty! Where do I START with Misty?! First it’s “oh, I LOOOOOVE you, Aphrodite! Don’t ever leave me!” Then, it’s “You like Deathmask better than meeee waaaaaaaaa!!!” It’s annoying. I never know where I stand with him. Lizzie is SUCH a drama queen.
AVALON: (sighs) I know, right? He stormed into my room once and claimed I stole his curling iron! If he stopped being so self-absorbed, he’d realize that my hair is straight! Why would I be using his dumb curling iron?!
APHRODITE: He’s been nothing but a thorn in my side lately. I wonder what on earth’s gotten into him. (smiles) Say, have my cute little silver saint girls got dates for Valentine’s Day? I want to know who I need to kill. (he laughs, then turns serious) But really, who are they? If they’re not honorable, then I swear I’m going to take my roses and-
REN: (hastily) Whoa whoa whoa. It’s just Deathmask and Milo. You trust them, right?
APHRODITE: (huffily) I suppose… but you’re far too good for them.
(Suddenly, MILO and DEATHMASK walk up. MILO is still staggering; DEATHMASK appears to be trying to help him.)
DEATHMASK: Holy Athena, Milo! What have you been doing- drinking yard glasses of vodka and rolling naked in Aphrodite’s rose garden or something? And anyway, why the hell didn’t you invite me to this pity party? I’ve been making pasta for the love of my life since we were children and she didn’t learn it was me up until today! If anybody needs a pity party, it’s me!
MILO: (breathing hard) Because up until I puked on your doorstep five minutes ago, I kinda hated your guts, Angelo.
DEATHMASK: (blushes) Hey, easy with the name-dropping! I’ve been trying to keep that secret! “Cancer Angelo”, does that sound any good?!
MILO: It makes you sound like an Italian guy with a ponytail and a guitar who’s desperately looking for love in the halls of Sanctuary while fighting for Athena.
DEATHMASK: (hastily catches hold of MILO as his knees buckle) Are you sure this is such a good idea in you current… state?
MILO: (climbs up unsteadily) Yes. It’s a great idea. It’s the only reason I haven’t called it quits yet.
DEATHMASK: (to himself) It’s a wonder your LIVER hasn’t called it quits yet…
MILO: (to REN) Hi, Princess.
(He tries to step towards her but instead falls into her arms)
REN: You okay?
MILO: (smiles) I’m perfect, you’re beautiful, it’s all good.
APHRODITE: (brandishing a rose) If either of you make my baby girls cry, I swear I’ll kill you where you stand! Especially little Avalon. Ren’s strong, but Avalon… she has the heart of a little girl. If you hurt my little Ava, you’ll regret it. Oh yes.
AVALON: (kisses him on the cheek) We’ll be careful, Mom.
APHRODITE: If they make you cry, Ava, your Mommy will personally make sure they pay for every tear with their blood spilling across the landscape like a great red ocean.
DEATHMASK: (takes AVALON’s hand) Shall we go, then?
(The four of them leave, AVALON and DEATHMASK hand in hand and REN supporting MILO. APHRODITE watches as they go.)
APHRODITE: (tears up) They grow up so fast…
(SCENE: KAGE’s bedroom, the next day. Suddenly, MU teleports in, scattering papers everywhere.)
KAGE: Is that gorgeous typed-up thing you’re holding what I think it is?
MU: Certainly is! The Valentine’s Day Special is done!
KAGE: Brilliant. I expect it’s very, very good.
MU: (cautiously) So… we’re all wondering. What will The Virgo Interview 4 be like? Or have you planned it yet?
KAGE: I would say I have. In fact, that plotline was introduced in your Valentine interview.
MU: So we’ll be seeing Shaka make a wedding speech after all?
KAGE: You’d better believe it, baby.
MU: (businesslike) Well, I must return to Jamir. Things didn’t go so well with Kiki and his girlfriend. I’ve got to console him.
(he teleports off)
KAGE: (looking at the Valentine interview) Yes, I think I’ll tuck this in as an extra for the threequel. It’s sure to get some laughs from my audience. Ren, Avalon, Aldebaran, and Mu did very well as my substitutes. Perhaps I’ll even send this to Scarlette so she can enjoy it...
(SCENE: Sanctuary, that morning. MILO wakes up to find REN waiting for him outside. He runs to her and they go off together. DEATHMASK and AVALON are cooking pasta together. APHRODITE is tending his roses when MISTY hugs him from behind. SHIRYU is finally getting some free time with SHUNREI. DOHKO is pretending not to be happy that his two apprentices fell in love. MICHAEL and his fiance are riding KAGE and AIOLOS’ Vespa through the city. SHAKA wakes up to find a text from SKY waiting. AIOLIA walks by with SHAINA and MARIN. Yes, love is in the air, even in Sanctuary. Happy Valentine’s Day!)
~ FIN
 I don't even know what was going through my head when I wrote this.

And now... a wedding! Yay!

CAMUS: (walks up to the front of the theater a little sadly, tapping the mic) Hello? Uh, hello? Is this thing on? Good. Welcome to the Parody Opera House- No, wait! That was the last interview, wasn’t it? This is Parody Drive-in Theater. My name is Camus Aquarius, and I’m the substitute narrator. The usual one- (he grimaces, clearly not wanting to talk about it) The usual one couldn’t be here today. Something about a… scheduling conflict. Anyway, I’ll be standing in, so (nervous laugh) I guess you’re kinda stuck with me, huh? Y-yeah, uh… oh, right! Leaving the theater. He used to- I mean, the usual guy usually talks about leaving the theater. D-don’t worry, he’ll be back in a few days, you’ll see. He’s f-fine. Oh-kay. Leaving the theater. You’re not supposed to do that. If you do, you’ll get eaten by rottweilers. Or was it pit bulls? I can’t remember either way. (clearly nervous and unhappy, but trying to finish on a cheery note) So… yeah. On with the show!
(He dashes off the stage at top speed, muttering something like “can’t stand where he stood” . The audience exchanges confused and worried glances as the show begins.)

(SCENE: The Athens Airport, evening. SKY is walking along, carrying SKITTLE and scanning the crowd.)
SKY: (looking around) What do you think, Skittle? Did Shaka forget it was today I was flying in?
SKITTLE: Meow!
SKY: (sighs, exasperated) He’s probably meditating and completely forgot about meeting me. We’ll be late for dinner if he doesn’t hurry!
(Suddenly, SKITTLE leaps out of SKY’s arms and goes streaking off towards the doors. SHAKA is walking through these doors when SKITTLE starts rubbing against his legs and purring happily.)
SKY: (running after SKITTLE) THERE you are! I thought you forgot about me!
SKITTLE: Meow!
SKY: Skittle thought you were meditating and forgot to pick me up.
SHAKA: (blushes) Of course, that wasn’t the case! (to himself) If Milo hadn’t decided to poke me with a stick as I was pondering the mysteries of the unvierse, I might not have made it here…
SKY: (smiles) So are we still going to dinner with Michael and his fiancee?
SHAKA: Yes. Come, on, I’m parked over there.
SKY: Yay! I finally get to see what you drive! Every other time we’ve needed transportation, you insist we walk! I bet you have a really sweet ride!
SHAKA: (primly) Actually, I don’t own a car or drive often. For some reason, it unnerves people when I do so with my eyes closed. However, the restaurant is rather far away from the airport, and I couldn’t teleport you along with me, so I took the liberty of borrowing that Vespa belonging to the Sagittariuses.
SKY: (worried) You know Aiolos and Kage bought that from a shady guy off the street, right? There are some… irregularities… regarding the engine. It goes pretty fast, Kage said. You shouldn’t try it unless you have experience with mopeds.
SHAKA: (putting on one of the two helmets sitting on the seat) Nonsense. We have nothing to worry about. I’d hold on to that cat.
(He climbs on the moped, followed by SKY. They take a few moments to get the thing balanced, then SHAKA turns back to SKY.)
SHAKA: Ready to try this “moped” thing?
SKY: (smiles) Sure, why not? How bad could it be? If we like it, let’s get one for the two of us! And paint it TARDIS blue!
(SHAKA hesitantly shifts his foot into position and presses lightly on the gas. The moped shoots off at speeds a moped should not be able to reach, and they’re off!)
(SCENE: Outside an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, the moped careens around a corner and comes to a screeching halt in front of the doors. SHAKA and SKY disembark, looking very, very scared. SKITTLE hacks up a hairball on the sidewalk as the two Virgos try to recover from the ride.)
SHAKA: (panting) That was the most harrowing experience of my twenty years being alive on this earth. I never want to ride another moped for the rest of eternity.
SKY: Amen! Let’s never do that again. I won’t complain to you about walking places anymore. Not after that. Even Skittle didn’t like it!
(SKITTLE hacks up another hairball to second this)
SHAKA: (giving the moped a worried glance) I’m not getting back on that.
SKY: (shivers) Yeah, you almost wrapped it around a lamppost, a column, and a tree in the span of a few seconds last time.
SHAKA: (backing away from it slowly) I’ll tell Aiolos to come pick it up here. There’s no way we’re riding that thing home.
(They go into the restaurant.)
(SCENE: Inside the restaurant, about thirty minutes later. SHAKA and SKY are still waiting for MICHAEL to show up with his fiancee. SKITTLE is enjoying a dish of cream the waiter brought.)
SKY: (impatient) I fly all the way out here to see Michael and his bride-to-be and they’re late?! Where’s the fairness in that?!
SHAKA: Perhaps you could try being patient for once?
SKY: (confused) Shaka, I thought you knew this by now. I HAVE no patience!
(Suddenly, a waiter walks up with a telephone on a silver platter.)
WAITER: Call for a… (hold phone to ear) What was the name again? Virgo Asmita? Oh, I see. Virgo SHAKA. I’m sorry, there’s also someone by the name of Virgo Asmita here expecting a call. Something about a person called The Doctor, whoever that is. He said something about Torchwood as well. I personally think he may be mentally unstable. (puts phone back) My mistake- the call is for Virgo Shaka.
SHAKA: That would be me. (picks up phone) Hello? Michael, is that you? Yes, I’m at the restaurant. No, don’t apologize. Ah, I see. Do you need a ride? No? Alright then, see you soon. I think you’ll be quite surprised when you get here. No, I won’t give you any more hints than the clues you already have. See you once you arrive. (hangs up)
SKY: (confused) Surprise? What?
SHAKA: (almost deviously) I didn’t tell Michael you were coming.
SKY: (sees MICHAEL entering with a girl) There’s Michael! I’ll hide under the table!
(She hides under the table as MICHAEL enters.)
MICHAEL: (turning to his fiancee) There’s something you should know about my friend Shaka, Mina. He isn’t exactly what you’d call… normal.
MINA: (preoccupied) I understand.
MICHAEL: (to himself) I’m not sure you do, really… I wonder if I should warn her about the closed eyes thing?
MINA: (pointing to the table SHAKA is at and SKY is under) Is that him?
MICHAEL: (brightens up) Yes, it is! Come on, let’s go say hello!
(They walk over to the table and sit down)
MICHAEL: (cheerful) Shaka! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.
SHAKA: (smiles slightly) It’s only been a day or two since we attended that long show at the opera house… (pretending to suddenly remember something) Oh, I apologize. Before we do anything else, there’s somebody I’d like to introduce. You may come out from beneath the table now.
(SKY pops up, holding SKITTLE)
SKY: Surprise, Michael! It’s me and Skittle! We came for the wedding!
MICHAEL: (surprised and happy) Sky and Skittle?! Shaka, you should’ve told me they were coming! Well then, I’d like you all to meet Mina, my fiancee. Mina, this is Shaka, Sky, and their cat, Skittle.
SKITTLE: (arching her back at MINA) HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
MINA: (flustered) Oh, I… I have a dog. She probably has his scent from the dog hair on my jacket.
SKY: At least Skittle isn’t like this one cat Shaka and I dealt with one time. She absolutely hated anything to do with Shaka. He got scratched and bitten like you wouldn’t believe because of that cat. You remember Emmie, right, Shaka?
SHAKA: (absently rubbing a thin scar on his arm) I’d say so. She certainly left her mark on me…
MINA: (surprised) A cat did that?
MICHAEL: (remembering) And oh, what a cat it was. I’ve never seen an animal lay into somebody like that before. Cats don’t normally try to bite people’s fingers off, do they?
SHAKA: Not to my knowledge.
(They sit there in silence for a while. MINA is fidgeting in her seat. She clearly looks uneasy.)
SHAKA: (noticing this) Is something the matter?
MINA: (blushes a deep crimson) Well… yes. Michael, I’m sorry, but I can’t sit down and eat with these… people. Because... (bursting into tears) they were the ones who put my grandfather behind bars!
(dashes away crying)
SKY: Her… grandfather? Wait, was he…?
SHAKA: (thoughtful) The goatherd who kidnapped Leo Aiolia? Yes, I think so.
MICHAEL: (sighs) I’ll go speak to her. Wait here, you two.
(He goes off after MINA. SKY and SHAKA are left sitting there together.)
SKY: (sarcastic) That went well.
SHAKA: (worried) I hope that we haven’t done anything to affect Michael’s relationship with her. He’s really a rather lonely person. I try to spend as much time with him as I can, but my work often gets in the way. I’m glad he’s found somebody to spend his life with.
SKY: (smiles) Don’t worry, Shaka. I’m sure they’ll be fine. (laughs) And you’ve been hanging out with Michael in your free time like a normal twenty-year-old guy! That’s great- you’re becoming less of a workaholic!
SHAKA: (surprised and hurt) You think I’m a workaholic, Sky?!
SKY: (smiles) Just a little.
SHAKA: (alarmed) I’m not a workaholic! I have a responsibility to the goddess Athena and I uphold it! What’s wrong with that?
SKY: (sighs) But you never do anything BUT that!
SHAKA: (hurt) Being a saint of Athena is a full-time job! I can’t just hang up my helmet at 5:00 PM and call it a day! That doesn’t make me a workaholic!
SKY: (laughs) You’re funny when you’re frustrated.
SHAKA: (still slightly offended) Would a workaholic have gone through the trouble to take you out to dinner?
(SKY laughs)
SKY: I said you’re getting to be less of a workaholic, didn’t I? Wasn’t it true that when we first met, you’d never have thought of just going out to dinner with some friends?
SHAKA: (smiles) I’ll admit it, it’s true. I never would have done this when we first met. But now…
SKY: You’re like ten times more fun? (changing the subject) So, how have things been with everyone in Sanctuary? What’s going on in Athena-land?
SHAKA: Everyone’s doing fine. (uncomfortable) Well, except for Camus.
SKY: (interested) Why, what’s wrong with Camus? Has he finally gone over the edge?
SHAKA: (concerned) No, no. He’s just been acting very, very unusual lately. It all began when the Narrator went on that mysterious paid vacation right after “How Not To Survive the Holy War” finished it’s run at the opera house. Camus insisted there was something wrong about it all, that Parody Cinemas would never give an employee a paid vacation all of a sudden like that. He tried to reach the Narrator’s cell phone, but there was nothing. Now, he’s insisted on taking his job until he returns.
SKY: (confused) That doesn’t sound too weird to me…
SHAKA: (concerned) Unfortunately, that’s not all. He’s been acting panicky and nervous lately, especially when the Narrator is mentioned. And when he’s not jumping at the sound of a leaf falling, he’s acting all melancholy.
SKY: (thoughtful) I always thought he and the Narrator didn’t hit it off. I guess Camus just likes to argue with the people he cares about. I mean, he’s always fighting with Milo, and they’re best friends. It kind of makes sense when you think about it.
SHAKA: I personally think he’s making a crisis out of nothing. What about you?
SKY: I’d have to agree- who would be desperate enough to kidnap Mr. Narrator, anyway?
(Suddenly, MICHAEL re-enters with MINA, who is wiping tears from her eyes.)
MICHAEL: (to MINA as they walk towards the table) We could do this another evening, if you like.
MINA: (frostily) No, I’m fine. I’m just not in the habit of sitting down to dinner with those who mock justice openly by arresting innocent people.
MICHAEL: Mina…
(she stalks over to the table and sits down primly.)
SHAKA: (calmly) I apologize for this unfortunate mess, Mina. If you have a problem, then that problem is with me. Not Sky or Michael. You must not hold my actions which I took in the defense of Sanctuary against them. Only I am to blame for your grandfather’s arrest.
MINA: (livid) Don’t you DARE make excuses for what you did! There’s NOTHING you can do to make me believe what you did was right! NOTHING!
SHAKA: Mina…
MINA: (furious) I SAID NO MORE EXCUSES, VIRGO!
(She leaps up and does something which surprises both MICHAEL and SKY. MINA slaps SHAKA across the face and then storms out of the restaurant.)
MICHAEL: (swearing under his breath) Gods, Shaka! I’m sorry, I had no idea this would happen!
SHAKA: (holding the side of his face) It’s alright, Michael. You never could have seen this coming. (ruefully) I must be losing my touch, I fear. Normally I’d be able to see something like this coming a mile away.
SKY: (calls MINA something she definitely didn’t learn around the Virgo Temple) Nobody hits MY saint and gets away with it! Rrrgh, I’d really like to sock her one right now!
MICHAEL: (a little scared) Sky, please remember that Mina’s my fiancee and you can’t just go punching her. I mean, you’re a bridesmaid! You can’t just wind back and punch her in the face simply because you want to!
SKY: (pounding a fist on the table) She hit my Shaka! This is war!
SHAKA: (lays a hand on SKY’s shoulder) Please, Sky, it wasn’t an exceptionally hard slap. I’m a gold saint, my honor will survive. You don’t need to defend me with any violence.
SKY: (still annoyed) No promises.
MICHAEL: (regretfully) I need to go after her… again. You two can stay here and order if you like, or go back to the Virgo Temple. I don’t think Mina and I will be joining you.
(he dashes off after his fiancee. SKY and SHAKA are left sitting in the restaurant together, and the waiter chooses this moment to come over and take their orders.)
(SCENE: The Virgo Temple, the following day. SKY wakes up and wanders into the Twin Salas Garden, where SHAKA can usually be found meditating. He isn’t there, so she goes inside.)
SKY: (sleepy) Shaka?
(Suddenly, she notices that MICHAEL is sitting on the floor, eating a bowl of corn flakes.)
MICHAEL: (cheery) Good morning, Sky!
SKY: (confused) What ar you doing here, Michael?
(Suddenly, she notices that he’s considerably bandaged up.)
SKY: (shocked) Holy shnikies, did that #$%^& get you too?
MICHAEL: (wincing) I tried to talk things out with her. She threw a vase at my head.
SHAKA: (walking in) I decided it was best for him to stay here until we smooth things over with Mina.
SKY: (annoyed) She’s gunning for all the men in my life! I’d better text my boyfriend Hunter and tell him that a psycho #$%^& who likes hitting people and breaking pottery over their heads is coming after him!
MICHAEL: (wincing) Actually, it was a glass vase. Very, very sharp glass.
SHAKA: (alarmed) BOYFRIEND?!
SKY: Well, yeah.
SHAKA: (worried) You’re much too young for a boyfriend! I need to meet this “Hunter”- you’ve never even introduced me! What if he’s not the type of boy you should be associating with?!
SKY: (laughs) Hunter’s perfectly fine. He’s a little crazy sometimes, but I think you’d hit it off.
SHAKA: (still worried) All the same, I think I need to have a chat with this boy…
(Suddenly, MINA walks in)
SKY: (angry) Get out of here before I punch your lights out!
MINA: (retorting) I’ve come to collect my fiance, little girl. Now stand aside.
MICHAEL: (standing up) Mina, I’m sorry about last night, really.
MINA: (sadly) And I apologize for throwing the vase, Michael. I never wanted to hurt you. (dangerous) Your friends I have no such sentiments for. Come, let’s go back to my apartment.
SHAKA: (calm, almost frosty) I think that’s a wise decision.
MINA: (cold) I never asked for you to appraise it.
SHAKA: (equally cold) And I never asked for you to come into my temple unannounced. Fiancee or not, you still injured Michael, then left him outside to bleed. I hardly call that the kind of devotion his soon-to-be wife should show him. Also, if you continue to stay here, Sky might just start a fight with you and I for one won’t lift a finger to stop her from doing this. Now go.
(MINA throws him a glare and drags MICHAEL out the door. SHAKA sits down on the floor, sighing)
SHAKA: (mildly shocked) I think that’s the first time I’ve ever felt angry at somebody before.
SKY: (sitting down next to him) What will we do now? Mina hates our guts- we’ll never be able to attend Michael’s wedding without being murdered by the bride.
SHAKA: (smiling slightly) I think I have a plan… but you’re going to need to restrain yourself quite a lot. That means no fighting with Mina.
SKY: (sighs) Fiiiiiine…
SHAKA: (smiling) Good. The first step is to go to the library and use the computers there to send an email to the prison where that goatherd is being kept. Then, I think we’ll pay the place a visit. I think the way to Mina’s heart is to patch things up with her grandfather.
SKY: (confused) That goatherd guy was crazy, right? What’s there to patch up?
SHAKA: Mina said that we arrested an innocent man. Michael speaks very highly of her, particularly her intellect. Would someone as smart as that really be so shallow as to deny the facts of an open-and-shut case? I think we may need to speak to the goatherd.
(They exit)
(SCENE: The prison, later that day. The email went through; SHAKA and SKY have been permitted to visit with MINA’s grandfather. They are brought to the visiting area by a prison guard.)
GUARD: (gruffly, into his walkie-talkie) Hey, Bill? Bring Vasilis Theotokopoulos down here, will ya? He’s got visitors. Two government agents, in fact.
(SKY and SHAKA are standing behind him, trying for all the world to look like real, official goverment agents. They’re both dressed in classic black suits and wearing black sunglasses with bluetooth earpieces- the stereotypical government agents from pretty much every movie ever.)
SKY: (whispering) Shaka, do we look official enough?
SHAKA: (also whispering) Well, Kage did say the cloth for these suits was from your American government… She called it “Washington Black”. Although I’m not sure I want to know how she came by it. From what I’ve heard, your government is very particular about their “Washington Black” and who gets to use it.
SKY: (whispering) How long do you think it will take for them to figure out that there’s no such thing as the “Sanctuary Division” of the CIA?
SHAKA: (whispering, confident) If there was a “Sanctuary Division” in the CIA, then do you really think the government would let anyone know it exists? This fictional “Sanctuary Division” is handled on a need-to-know basis. They’ll never find out.
SKY: (whispering, playful) You’ve really put a lot of thought into this. What is it with boys and playing spies?
(SHAKA doesn’t have time to respond to this little jibe as VASILIS THEOTOKOPOULOS is ushered in to the room opposite them behind the glass. SHAKA and SKY sit down and pick up the phone used to communicate with the next room, like in any real prison visit. VASILIS gives them a squinty-eyed glare.)
VASILIS: (sarcastic) Well, if it isn’t stubborn young man and his girlfriend.
SHAKA: (determined) Sky isn’ t my girlfriend. Anyway, I need to speak to you- why did you kidnap all the saints? And why Leo Aiolia in particular?
VASILIS: (shrugs) I tell you everything already. Goats tell me to. I do what goats tell me. I crazy old man who you not believe.
SHAKA: (calm) Others may think that. Personally, I could never believe such a bald-faced lie. You’re not a crazy old man. Otherwise, your granddaughter would not be so defensive of your honor.
VASILIS: (surprised) You know Mina?
SHAKA: (ruefully) Your granddaughter likes me even less than you do if that’s possible.
VASILIS: (shaking his head) No, no. I no hate you. I just think you stubborn. Stubborn like goat. Why Mina hate you?
SHAKA: (sighs) It’s because I arrested you. She thinks I brought you in on wrongful charges and detroyed your dignity in the process. She made that very clear after she yelled at me and slapped me across the face.
VASILIS: (gives a cackling laugh) Ha! Mina a sweet girl, but she stubborn, too. Maybe more stubborn than you. All this, the pleading insanity, the bombs, the goats, I do this for her.
SHAKA: (surprised) I heard a rumor you pleaded insanity in the trial following your capture, I just didn’t think it was true.
SKY: (confused) You tried to blow up Sanctuary for your granddaughter?
VASILIS: (sighs) Mina in love with boy from Sanctuary at time. Good Greek boy. But then, she find out he with other girls. Two of them. Mina’s heart broken. I get angry- they no do that to my granddaughter. So, I do things that may not be so…. how you say? Legal.
SHAKA: (sighs heavily) Mina Theotokopoulos wasn’t the first girl to discover Aiolia’s… thing… with Shaina and Marin, and she certainly won’t be the last. This happens more often than I’d like to admit.
VASILIS: (continuing as though SHAKA had never spoken) And then there the thing with her brother Kostas. Kostas skilled fighter, but he too full of himself. Think he can take on saint. Tried to fight saint, lost badly. He end up in hospital from fight. Almost die. Never able to fight again. I just try to avenge dishonor done to my family.
SHAKA: (interested) Which saint did he take on?
VASILIS: (shrugs) I forget name. Curly hair, look like pretty girl. Uses roses when fighting.
SHAKA: (surprised) Pisces Aphrodite?! Kostas was lucky he survived! (businesslike) The reason we came here is because Mina is getting married soon, and I think it would mean a lot to her if you could somehow attend the wedding.
VASILIS: (gives a cackling laugh) Yes. She marrying some American. (serious) I tell Mina, if he no want to be married in good Greek church, he not worth it! But how you get me out of this prison?
SKY: (smirking) Never underestimate the power of Washington Black, sir! (calling to the guard) We’ll need this prisoner for questioning back at headquarters for a few days.
GUARD: (befuddled) But why? The case has been closed for months!
SKY: (trying to sound as cool as possible) Well, I can’t disclose that information to a civilian. He’s coming with us.
GUARD: (saluting enthusiastically) Yes ma’am!
(They exit the prison with VASILIS.)
(SCENE: The Virgo Temple, later that day. VASILIS is off rounding up his goats with the help of innumerable grandchildren and great-grandchildren. SHAKA is meditating in the garden and SKY is playing checkers with SKITTLE.)
SKY: (bored) Your move, Skittle.
SKITTLE: (jumps one of SKY’s pieces) Meow!
SKY: (rolling her eyes) I know you’re winning, there’s no need to gloat.
(Suddenly, MILO strolls into the temple)
MILO: (yelling) Shaka! I need your advice on something!
SKY: (pointing to the entrance of the Twin Salas Garden) I think he’s in there meditating.
MILO: (sighs with relief) Oh good- he’s in. I came by yesterday evening and there was nobody here. Same with earlier this morning. Now I can finally get some help resolving this.
SKY: (interested) What are you having trouble with?
MILO: (sadly) It’s Camus. I’m asking Shaka if he’ll help us with the intervention this evening.
SKY: (shocked) Intervention? I thought Camus was just being a little paranoid! At least, that’s what I’ve heard.
MILO: (laughs sarcastically) A little paranoid?! He’s been a complete nervous wreck for the last few days- and over the Narrator going on vacation! There are never any lights on in his temple and he rarely ever comes out. I went in there to talk to him, and I found him hiding under the bed trying to hack into the Parody Cinemas Employee Records! He’s even got one of those big webs of yarn, notes, and photos like it’s a criminal investigation! Worse, he’s been jumping out of his skin at the slightest sound and acting terrified of everything! (uncomfortable) Then, there was the incident where he tried to assume the Narrator’s identity and, well, narrate. It was awful; everyone thought he was crazy. Then, when they tried to remove him from the premises…well, let’s just say the hospital is still thawing people out from that little escapade. Now, he can’t even set foot in anywhere owned by, ran by, or othewise related to Parody Cinemas because guess what? They filed a RESTRAINING ORDER!
SKY: (overwhelmed) Wow.
(SHAKA enters the temple.)
MILO: (runs over to him, begging) Shaka, you’ve got to help me! I don’t know what to do about Camus! He won’t eat, he doesn’t sleep anymore, and now he won’t even let me in the temple! I think there’s something seriously wrong with him! You’ve got to do something! Please, he’s my best friend, although I’d never say it to his face! If Sanctuary loses it’s most organized, uptight, and in general OCD saint, we’re all screwed! This interview won’t even be FUNNY anymore without CAMUUUUUUUUUS!!!!! (cries as the fourth wall shatters into millions of teeny tiny pieces)
SHAKA: (surprised) Milo, please calm down. I’ll do what I can. Is he in the Aquarius Temple?
MILO: (brightening up a little) Yes.
SKY: (jumps up) Ooh, can I help? I wanna come to the intervention! Shaka, you’ve GOTTA let me come! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasewith sugar and a cherry on top?
SHAKA: (sighs) I suppose…
SKY: (grabs SKITTLE) YAY!
(They exit the temple)
(SCENE: The Aquarius Temple, late in the day. CAMUS is nowhere to be seen. Indeed, the place looks completely abandoned. SHAKA walks up and knocks lightly on the door.)
SHAKA: (calling into the temple) Camus? Are you in there?
(There’s no reply.)
MILO: (worried) Camus, it’s me Milo. Can you please just TALK to us?!
(Suddenly, a voice that shouldn’t canonically be heard in this time period sounds from behind them.)
GHOST OF DEGEL: (advising) You should try the back door. It’s unlocked. Now, when I was the saint of Aquarius, I made sure to lock BOTH doors. I mean, we live in Athens, for pity’s sake! A thief could simply waltz in and take whatever they wanted when you’re not looking! One did get in here a few days ago. Tried to steal my ashes, the irreverent little-
SKY: (cutting him off) Hey, do I know you from someplace? Because something about you seems really, really familiar…
GHOST OF DEGEL: (thoughtful) Hmmmm…. (shaking his head) No, I can’t have met you before unless you were alive in the eighteenth century.
MILO: (restless) Can we get inside the temple already? I’m a little worried about what Camus might be doing in there…
(They go around the back of the temple and enter.)
(SCENE: Inside the Aquarius Temple, same time. The place looks like it’s been ransacked. Books, papers, the TARDIS blueprints from the eighteenth century, food, and other miscellaneous items are strewn about with reckless abandon. Chairs are broken and tables are flipped. In the midst of it all, some pigeons are nesting in a bookshelf. A stray dog ambles lazily down the hall, and a goat appears to be stuck in a cabinet. In the midst of this utter chaos, the GHOST OF KARDIA is lazing around on the stairs, eating a ghostly apple and smirking.)
SKY: (looking around) Holy shnikies, this place looks like a battlefield!
SHAKA: (amazed) How does one saint have time to make all this mess?
MILO: (ruefully) He used to be such a neat freak. If I so much as left a jar of mayonnaise upended on the floor or something insignificant like that, he’d threaten to freeze me in an ice block until next Christmas. (sniffles) I even miss his death threats and icy demeanor!
GHOST OF KARDIA: (notices SKY) Hey, isn’t that the girl who helped us out during the Holy War? The one with the three pretty companions and Avery?
GHOST OF DEGEL: (rolls his eyes) Your memory’s going, Kardia. There’s no way that young lady was alive that long ago!
GHOST OF KARDIA: (shrugs) She could’a been. I mean, I’m 50% sure I saw Giorgetta walking by a moment ago. Except she was dressed in strange clothes and wearing a floppy black hat.
GHOST OF DEGEL: (exasperated) That wasn’t Giorgetta, you just WANTED it to be! Giorgetta and the companions are long gone, just like Sisyphus, Asmita, Aspros, Defteros, Albafica, Regulus, Shion, Manigoldo, El Cid, and Hasgard!
GHOST OF ASMITA: (appearing behind him) Think again, Degel.
GHOST OF SISYPHUS: (cheerful) Hey, look on the bright side! At least Dohko survived to carry on the legacy of the eighteenth century Saints!
GHOST OF ASPROS: (appearing with a poof) Shion survived pretty long, too. That is, until that ignorant upstart of a sucessor I’ve got managed to #$%^ up and kill both the new Sagittarius and the Pope in one fell swoop!
GHOST OF DEFTEROS: (appearing beside ASPROS) You’d think after all these horrible things happened, then he’d get some help regarding that split personality of his.
GHOST OF ALBAFICA: (appears with a flurry of rosepetals, cheerful) I personally don’t see anything wrong with being dead. My poisonous blood can’t kill anybody AND I get to be reunited with my master!
GHOST OF SHION: (appearing, equally cheerful) And guess who doesn’t have to be POPE anymore?! That’s right, me-ee! Being dead is GREAT! I should thank Saga for this! HIGH FIVE!
(He high-fives ALBAFICA)
GHOST OF MANIGOLDO: (appearing, sulky) Speak for yourselves- this is horrible. My successor has no idea how to arrange dead people’s faces on walls and I have to listen to you idiots for all eternity.
GHOST OF EL CID: (appearing) Are you guys ready to have some sweet adventures scaring apprentice saints or not?
GHOST OF REGULUS: (appearing, excited) Born ready! Then we can mess with Aphrodite some more!
GHOST OF HASGARD: (appearing, laughing) Yeah, remember his face when we wrote him that note in Lizard Misty’s handwriting saying that he was breaking up with him? Priceless!
(They all disappear, off to have more fabulous dead gold saint adventures that are definitely sweet enough for a montage later as SHAKA, SKY, MILO, and SKITTLE look on with a mixture of confusion and envy.)
MILO: (taking a step towards the stairs) Shall we go find Camus, then?
SHAKA: (following him) Yes, let’s, before we all get distracted again.
SKY: (grumpily, to herself) I bet those dead gold saints are having really sweet adventures… and they all seemed familiar, too. I know I know those guys from somewhere, I just can’t seem to remember where.
(They go up the stairs. Upstairs looks just as ransacked as downstairs, if not worse. There is a suspicious red liquid spattered across the walls. Wallpaper is torn, and pieces of paper are haphazardly tacked up everywhere. The place looks almost like the scene of a grisly murder. Only one of the doors in the hallway is open, and muttering in French can be heard inside.)
MILO: (stepping towards the door) Camus… it’s me, Milo. I brought Shaka with me. Can we talk?
(The muttering in French becomes more feverish and crazed sounding.)
MILO: (a little creeped out) Camus? Remember me? Milo, your best friend? And Shaka, you remember him, right?
(Suddenly, Camus steps out from the room, looking insanely disheveled. He’s got the makings of a nice beard and looks pale and thin, like he hasn’t been eating well. His eyes are ringed by dark circles; clearly he hasn’t been sleeping well either. SKY looks alarmed, SHAKA looks worried, and SKITTLE hisses, not recognizing the saint who used to slip her extra salmon on the sly while SKY was otherwise occupied.)
MILO: (worried but trying to sound cheery) Oh… hiya, Camus. How’s life?
CAMUS: (gives MILO a dubious look) Are you alright?
MILO: (slightly confused but mostly scared) Y-yeah.
CAMUS: (with his usual confidence and poise) I understand you’ve been worried about me. Well, worry no more. I’m perfectly fine- it’s all over. I’m finished with this mystery.
MILO: (relieved) Oh thank ATHENA…. you have no idea how freaked out I was getting!
CAMUS: (smiles) I’m sorry to worry you. Everything’s going to be fine now. I’ve decided to put this foolishness to an end once and for all. At first I wasn’t so sure I wanted to end this investigation, but now I realize that I have to. For my friends. And for the Narrator, too. I think he would have wanted it this way, even though it’s going to be a bit hard.
MILO: (smiling as well) I’m glad you’ve decided to go back to normal. (hugs him, crying) DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAAAAAAAIIIIIN!!!!
SHAKA: (interrupting the joyous reunion) I hate to cut the celebrating short, but Sky and I have a prior engagement. We’ve got a wedding to attend.
SKY: (excited) I’ll go get changed! (talking in a baby voice to SKITTLE) Skittle’s gonna wear a little bow tie, yes she is, yes she is! Skittle’s gonna be a fancy wedding cat! Who’s a pretty kitty? Who’s a pretty kitty?
(They exit.)
(SCENE: A church, later. MICHAEL and MINA are standing at the altar. SKY and SHAKA are standing in the pews. SKITTLE is napping.)
PRIEST: If there is anyone here who objects to this union, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
(SKY and SHAKA instantly look towards the door and drop into fighting stances.)
PRIEST: (confused) And just what are you doing?
SHAKA: (embarrassed) Well, this IS the Virgo Interview.
SKY: (chiming in) Yeah, I totally expected somebody to burst in just then. I mean, the service literally invites somebody to run in and ruin everything. If there was any time somebody were to interrupt, then it would totally be at that moment. We were just preparing for the worst.
PRIEST: (rolling his eyes) Very well, then. I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
(MICHAEL leans in to kiss MINA, but a voice sounds from the back of the church. It’s CAMUS, along with a ton of government agents.)
CAMUS: (triumphant) Mina Fey, you’re under arrest for the kidnapping of the Narrator and conspiring against Sanctuary! Everything you say can and will be used to prosecute you to the full extent of the law.
(Everything erupts into chaos as the government agents handcuff MINA and drag her away. SHAKA and SKY are the only guests left standing in the church. Suddenly, MICHAEL dashes back in.)
MICHAEL: (terrfied) Shaka, please! You have to help me! I can’t let Mina go to jail- I know she’d never commit such a crime! SHAKA!!!
(SHAKA is completelt silent through this. When he does speak, his voice is quiet and emotionless.)
SHAKA: (ignoring MICHAEL) Sky, we’re returning to Sanctuary.
SKY: (protesting) But Shaka-
SHAKA: (adamant) No arguing. Let’s go.
(They walk out the door, leaving MICHAEL FEY standing alone and helpless in the church as the bells toll out the hour.)
END PART 1

Poor Michael. So many bad things happen to him in these. It's almost as though I enjoy his misfortune.

Thanks! The "sassiest sushi in Sanctuary" thing was the result of texting my friend while writing the interview. It was... memorable.
Let the dead gold saint adventures begin!

Ridiculous but totally accurate.
*current gold saints watch in envy from a distance*

He is the sassiest sushi in Sanctuary, although some people may disapprove of the nickname. coffcoffSHAKAcoffcoff

And now... the exciting conclusion of the interview because we're all wondering breathlessly whether this wedding will actually happen. XD


SKY: (walking up to the front of the theater) Hello, everybody! Welcome back to “Wedding Bells for Michael Fey”! You survived part one! Man, what an ending, right? I don’t know WHAT Shaka was thinking, walking out on Michael like that! What could be happening to everybody’s favorite Virgo saint with the unrealistically long and well-cared-for hair? Do you guys think there’s something wrong with him? I sure hope not- Shaka’s always been that one character you can always count on. This interview won’t even be a thing without him! Now, let’s find out what will happen next in the exciting conclusion of this interview! Enjoy the show, ‘cuz I’m in it and I’ll murder your face if you don’t! (she runs off)

(SCENE: The Virgo Temple, later that day. SKY is sitting outside a door, which is closed and locked. She sighs, and knocks on it one more time.)
SKY: (worried) Come on, Shaka, talk to me. What’s wrong? What’s going on?
(There’s no reply)
SKY: (insistent) Shaka, open the door. You’ve been acting weird since Camus showed up with those government agents and dragged Mina away. Please just tell me what’s wrong.
(Still nothing)
SKY: (angry) Virgo Shaka, open this door before I call one of the other saints to break it down!
(Finally, SHAKA replies.)
SHAKA: (emotionless) I think it would be better for both of us if you went to stay with another saint for a while, Sky.
SKY: (surprised, hurt) But you’re my saint! I don’t WANNA go stay in another temple!
SHAKA: (sad) Just go.
SKY: (hurt, but trying to hide it) Well… goodbye, then. I guess I’ll go find another place to stay. (falsely cheerful) Come on, Skittle.
(She leaves the temple sadly. SKITTLE looks unhappy too- her favorite person to nap on while they’re meditating is rejecting her.)
(SCENE: Outside the Leo Temple, same time. SKY walks by as AIOLIA happens to be doing the same thing.)
SKY: (sad) Oh, hi Aiolia.
AIOLIA: (inquisitive) Hello, Sky. What’s the matter? You look sad!
SKY: (sighs) Shaka kicked me out.
AIOLIA: (surprised) WHAT?!
SKY: (dejected) Yeah, my thoughts exactly. He started acting really strange after the debacle at the wedding, and then kicked me out of the Virgo Temple.
AIOLIA: (sympathetic) Oh, that sucks. I heard about the wedding thing. (brightening up) Say, you wanna stay in the Leo Temple for a while? It’s the temple before Virgo in the Zodiac, so you’re like one house away from being a Leo! (uncomfortable) Ummm… and Marin and Shaina are out of town. So you don’t have to worry about dealing with that kind of stuff. I know there are rumors about me, and… yeah.
SKY: (smiling a little) I guess that sounds all right. I mean, I wasn’t really worried about the whole girlfriends thing, but… yeah. It’s good they’re out of town.
AIOLIA: (laughing) I’ll just get your stuff from the Virgo Temple. Feel free to make yourself comfortable inside. You can bring the cat in. Felines are ALWAYS welcome in my temple.
(He walks off towards the Virgo Temple to go get SKY’s stuff.)
(SCENE: In the Virgo Temple, a short time later. SHAKA is sitting on the floor, trying to meditate but having some trouble focusing. AIOLIA walks in.)
AIOLIA: (serious) I’m picking up Sky’s things. She’s staying with me while you throw your little temper tantrum.
SHAKA: (cold) Well, that isn’t a task that requires commentary. Go on, I’m not stopping you.
AIOLIA: (annoyed) She looked so unhappy when she wandered by my temple with her cat! Now, making a girl look that sad is bad enough, but a sweet girl who’s a cat lover- unforgiveable! You should be ashamed!
SHAKA: (even colder) You can’t possibly understand my motives, so don’t try to judge my actions.
AIOLIA: (grabbing SKY’s things, angry) And people wonder why I hate my fellow gold saints! You schmucks will turn on anybody, no matter how much they care about or trust you! First my brother, and now poor Sky! What is it with you guys- do you like pushing other people to the breaking point until they finally snap?! I guess it’s true, Shaka- you’re NOT human. No human being would willfully do this to an innocent girl!
(He turns around and storms out, leaving SHAKA behind. As such, AIOLIA doesn’t see a silent tear run down the saint of Virgo’s cheek and fall to the floor or hear the accompanying melancholy sigh.)
(SCENE: The Leo Temple, later. AIOLIA is pacing the kitchen, ranting. SKY is eating a cookie and watching with interest. SKITTLE and EMMIE are playing chess- apparently checkers is no longer a sufficient challenge for SKITTLE.)
AIOLIA: (angry) They all drive me crazy! I swear, my fellow gold saints have no manners or sense of social decorum! They’re always messing up people’s lives, just because they can! You should have SEEN how fast they turned on my brother after somebody started a rumor that he tried to kill Athena and betrayed Sanctuary! And now you! I wouldn’t be surprised if these interviews were just a little game they’re playing with you girls’ emotions! If I was lucky enough to have an interviewer, then I would most certainly treat her better than this! (sighs) Unfortunately, Kage doesn’t know any Leos.
KAGE: (leaning against the wall eating Pocky) Sad but true. My dad’s a Scorpio, my mom’s a Libra, my brother’s a Capricorn, my rabbit’s a Pisces, and my best friends are another Pisces, a Gemini, another Capricorn, and a Virgo.
SKY: (stage whispering to AIOLIA, proud) I’m the Virgo.
AIOLIA: (incredulous) You figured out your RABBIT’s Zodiac sign?
(KAGE shrugs and wanders off, presumably to return to the Sagittarius Temple and work on her writing, or to procrastinate by chatting with AIOLOS...)
AIOLIA: (turns to SKY) Now, where was I?
SKY: (stroking her chin) Hmmm… you were definitely after “all gold saints are lying, coldhearted scumbags”, but no further than “playing a little game with you girls’ emotions”.
AIOLIA: (laughs, embarrassed) In other words, time to climb down off my soapbox. I can kind of rant on and on when it comes to the corruption and callousness of Sanctuary.
SKY: (sighs) What if you’re right? What if they really are all jerks?
AIOLIA: (apologetic, hasty) No, no, no, I didn’t mean that Shaka doesn’t care about you! I meant that… well, I meant… what I was trying to say was… $#%^.
SKY: (sad) It’s okay, you might be right. He just kicked me out, suddenly, out of the blue. I wish I knew why. It’s almost like he doesn’t want me around anymore.
AIOLIA: (laying a hand on her shoulder) I’m sorry, Sky. If that’s true, and I highly doubt it is, then Virgo Shaka is a complete idiot. Ever since the first interview, you and the other girls have brightened this place up. If Shaka doesn’t want you around, then there’s plenty of others who do. Me, for instance. You helped save me from a crazy goatherd with pineapple bombs. This is one temple you’ll ALWAYS be welcome in.
SKY: (cheering up) Really?
AIOLIA: (smiles) Really.
(Right then, EMMIE decides to flip the chessboard and run out of the room, yowling. SKITTLE does a little victory dance.)
SKY: (laughing) Skittle, you smart kitty! You won the game!
AIOLIA: (calling after EMMIE) I taught you to play chess so that you might learn some sportsmanship! That means no running out of the room every time you lose! (running a hand through his hair, sighing) Now come out from inside my armor.
(EMMIE gives a plaintive meow.)
AIOLIA: (exasperated) That’s another thing- you can’t just accuse somebody of cheating because they beat you. Skittle won fair and square.
(EMMIE hisses)
AIOLIA: (indignant) I am NOT taking her side!
(EMMIE gives another hiss)
AIOLIA: (incensed) So I’m a TRAITOR now?! That does it!
(He leaps at the armor. EMMIE comes streaking out of it. AIOLIA chases her all about the temple as SKY and SKITTLE watch with interest.)
SKY: (whispering to SKITTLE) Poor guy. He must be so lonely. Teaching a cat to play chess… that’s a sure sign you’re desperate for company.
SKITTLE: (holding a paw to her mouth in the classic whispering pose) Meow meow meow.
SKY: (still whispering) I know, right? We should offer to do something with him this evening. Maybe go see Michael and find out if there’s anything we can do to help.
(AIOLIA finally manages to catch EMMIE and returns to SKY and SKITTLE.)
AIOLIA: (laughing) Cats, am I right?
SKY: (cheerful) I was thinking… maybe we could do something to help Michael Fey? Shaka kind of abandoned him back there.
AIOLIA: (surprised) Why didn’t you say so?! Let’s go!
(They dash off, closely followed by their cats.)
(SCENE: MICHAEL FEY’s apartment in Athens. Currently, the place looks like a big Greek family reunion- MINA’s family has occupied the area and filled it up with innumerable relatives. MICHAEL is sitting off to the side, looking incredibly sad and eating a piece of spanakopita. Greek music is playing and there’s lamb cooking in the oven.)
SKY: (peering in) Look, Skittle! They have FOOD!
AIOLIA: (doing the same) And there’s Michael. Gods, I’ve never seen anybody look so depressed. Come on, let’s go in.
(They enter the packed apartment and make their way over to MICHAEL)
SKY: (tapping him on the shoulder) Michael?
MICHAEL: (looking up, unhappy) Oh, it’s you. Did Virgo Shaka abandon you as well?
SKY: (sympathetic) I’m sure Shaka had a good reason for what he did to us. Is there anything Aiolia and I can do?
MICHAEL: (cold) I see you’ve found another one. You never learn, do you? One saint is no better than another. This one will betray you the same way Shaka and Camus did to me. In my time of need, they turned on me. They took Mina. They took her and I hate them for it. (raising his voice) Now GET OUT!!!
(SKY backs away)
SKY: (still trying to reason with him) Michael, please…
(Suddenly, a voice sounds from behind him.)
AGENT: (peering into the room, holding MINA) We apologize for our mistake. The real culprit has turned himself in.
MINA: (crying) Michael!
(She runs to him and they embrace)
AIOLIA: (shocked) THAT’s your wife?!
SKY: (worried) Oh, NOW I remember… that old goatherd guy said that Mina dated Aiolia…
MINA: (surprised) Aiolia?
MICHAEL: (confused) You KNOW this guy?!
MINA: (shocked) He’s my ex.
AGENT: (sarcastic) I hate to cut short this romantic drama, but the real culprit has also made his phone call at this time. It’s to a- (holds phone to ear) The Doctor? What kind of name is that? Hang on, I can’t understand what you’re saying- the service out here is lousy. (turns back to everyone) I think he’s shouting “Her name’s Sky” but I can’t be sure.
SKY: (surprised) That’s me. (grabs the phone) Hello, this is Sky. Who’s calling?
SHAKA: (voice barely audible through the static, but still sounding a bit sad) A former friend.
SKY: (tears springing to her eyes) You turned yourself in for Mina?!
SHAKA: (calm) I did this to buy you some time. You and Aiolia need to find the real culprit, and quickly. If I go to trial and am found guilty, then there’s nothing you can do. I can only give you about three days before they force me to confess something. If that happens, they’ll find out that I’m lying and take Mina back into custody. (sadly) And Sky?
SKY: (crying) Yes?
SHAKA: (quiet) I’m sorry to have to put you through all that. Tell Michael the same for me. But I needed a plan, and the only one I had would put me in danger. If I let you stay, then I would have been tempted to tell you what I planned to do. You never would have let me go through with it. So, I had to force you to find other arrangements. That way, I knew for sure somebody would take care of you while I was gone. It was hard this way, but it had to be done. Can you forgive me?
SKY: (crying harder) Yes, of course I forgive you! And I’ll make you proud of me, even though I’m scared! We’ll find who really kidnapped Mr. Narrator and get you out of there, you’ll see! Then, I can go back to the Virgo Temple and stay with you like I did before!
SHAKA: (laughs) I have complete faith in you. Now, I have to go. The guards are giving me dirty looks and telling me I’ve taken much too long. Goodbye, my friend.
(He hangs up. SKY turns to the others.)
SKY: (serious) Shaka turned himself in so they’d free Mina and to buy us some time to find who really kidnapped Mr. Narrator Guy. He’s sorry for all the theatrics- honestly, did any of you know he was such a good actor?- and hopes we’ll forgive him. I can’t find the culprit alone. Who wants to help me?
AIOLIA: (steps forward) Maybe I was wrong about Shaka after all. He clearly does care about you. I’m in. (excited) Besides, I wasn’t even IN the last investigation interview- I was the missing person! Finally, I get to play detective!
MINA: (steps forward as well) I want to help too! He reunited me with my grandfather and now he’s made this sacrifice to save my life. It’s the least I can do. (laughs) I’ll join you and Sherlock Aiolia over there.
(Finally, MICHAEL steps forward.)
MICHAEL: (apologetic) I’m sorry for doubting Shaka even for a second. If you guys need a scientist and cat lover, count me in.
(Suddenly, another voice sounds from the doorway.)
CAMUS: (walks in) I’ll also offer up my services. I know that I’m the one who started this #@%^ mess, but I want to rectify my mistakes. Plus, I think I’ve found the culprit, but apprehending this guy will be tricky. Can I join the team?
SKY: (excited) Sure! Now let’s go and-
(Just then, and unfamiliar person enters.)
KOSTAS: (tough) Count me in.
(The current members of the Virgo Interview Dream Team just stare at him.)
AIOLIA: (confused) Who’s THIS guy?
SKY: (equally perplexed) Yeah, isn’t the concept of a dream team supposed to be an epic union of people we all know?
CAMUS: (sarcastic) You know you can’t just waltz right in and join the team, right?
MICHAEL: (giving the newcomer a strange look) Yeah, I don’t think anybody ever taught him manners. We were having an epic moment and he ruined it.
SKY: (annoyed) I know, right? That’s completely rude. He should pick up a book on interview etiquette.
KOSTAS: (annoyed) You know, it’ not fair to talk about me like I’m not here. You idiots should learn some manners. I decided to join your pitiful little team. You should be grateful you have somebody like me on your side.
MINA: (worried) Kostas, please don’t get involved in this! I know you hate Sanctuary, so why join this mission?
KOSTAS: (shrugs) Sounds like a challenge. Although, with me on your side, you guys won’t have to do anything but sit around as accessories.
CAMUS: (recognizing KOSTAS) Wait, you’re the guy that Aphrodite sent to the emergency room!
AIOLIA: (recognizing him as well) Yeah, you made an joke about his… romantic preferences… and he tossed you through a wall! Didn’t even mess around with the flowers like usual, just BAM! Tossed you through a wall! I mean, really. I thought it was common knowledge that joking about those matters around Pisces is likely to get you killed. It’s a bit of a touchy subject.
SKY: (turning to VASILIS, who is drinking some Greek brandy behind her) Tossed him through a-?! You said he challenged him to a fight, not insulted him!
VASILIS: (shrugs) My memory going. Maybe he challenge him, maybe he insult him. Is same thing, really. Either way they fight and Kostas lose.
KOSTAS: (angry) Can it, old man! I didn’t lose- he cheated!
CAMUS: Actually, he didn’t. For once in his narcissistic life, Aphrodite won a fight fairly.
MICHAEL: (trying to get everyone back on track) Although I love discussing saint battles and whatnot, don’t you think we should get to work?
SKY: (motivated) Let’s go save Mr. Narrator Guy!
(They exit.)
(SCENE: Outside a defunct movie theater. The sign over the entrance has only a few letters remaining on it, but the shadow of the missing ones left on the building can be seen. It reads “Parody Cinemas”. The windows are boarded up and there’s graffiti all over it.)
KOSTAS: (bored) There’s totally nothing here. Why are we even bothering to look in a place like this?
CAMUS: (trying really hard not to lose his patience) Because I hacked into the email address of one of Parody Cinemas’ higher-ups and figured out that this was where everything was going down.
KOSTAS: (smirks) Hacking? Really? Just how big of a geek ARE you?
CAMUS: (turning to the others, ignoring KOSTAS) Can we get going?
SKY: (excited) Yeah! Let’s go save the Narrator!
(They set off towards the entrance. CAMUS catches up with AIOLIA as they go.)
CAMUS: (whispering to him) Aiolia, if things get out of hand in there, I want you to protect Sky. I don’t want to know what Shaka would do if we got her killed.
AIOLIA: (whispering back) Right.
CAMUS: (relieved) Good. I think I’ll have my hands full with the others.
(They enter the abandoned theater. The place looks downright creepy- it looks like it was abandoned in a hurry, and there’s all kinds of creepy graffiti. Scrawled above the entrance to the different places to view movies is a short motto: WELCOME TO DISPAIR. MICHAEL gives it an incredulous look.)
MICHAEL: (a little worried) Dispair? Well, that’s not creepy at all…
(Suddenly, a voice can be heard from inside one of the theaters- a voice we all know very, very well. A voice that would sound just perfect at the beginning of a movie, giving us the low-down on what’s going on, providing the prologue. It is the voice of the NARRATOR.)
NARRATOR: (weak, but determined) It doesn’t change anything, you know. I still won’t cooperate. I know I’m just expected to be that impartial voice at the beginning of the show, but I can’t! I can’t just act like they’re not really there! The saints and their interviewers are my friends! I could never treat them so coldly!
(CAMUS motions for the others to quietly follow him and they sneak towards the theater room where the voice is coming from.)
NARRATOR: (continuing) You really thought that showing me all these old reels of the show would rattle me? They’re what gives me the courage to go on. This is just like those interviews- no matter how bad it seems, Sky, Shaka, and all the others will find a way to make it right by the end. I’ll be fine- I have faith in them. Ever since my first day on the job- the day I introduced part 2 of the first Interview- I knew they’d keep me safe from you.
(Our heroes have reached the door. They push it open cautiously, and a macabre sight meets their eyes. An old reel of The Virgo Interview is playing on the screen. The NARRATOR is lashed to one of the chairs, and he looks battered and bruised. In front of him are three men, all dressed in stark black <<but not Washington Black, mwahahahaaa>> suits. Their hair is slicked back, while the NARRATOR’S is growing out messy. They are also all three of them clean shaven. Two of them are standing ramrod straight and tall, the third is slumped over slightly. He is shorter than the others and his hair isn’t fully slicked back straight. In fact, it’s rather curly and wild. One of them steps forward and speaks.)
HEATHCLIFF: (emotionless) You have broken the Code, Narrator Wildwood and have no longer any right to be called a Parody Cinemas Narrator. Thus, I address you by your true name, the greatest dishonor given to any member of our order! I speak your name- JOSEPH REINER!
FAIRFIELD: (equally emotionless) You have been excommunicated by the Parody Cinemas Narratorial Coalition. Now, you will be terminated for your unprofessional actions.
WHITEBRIDGE: (caught off guard, surprised) Wha-wha-WHAT?! T-t-t-terminated?! You don’t mean th-that-!?
HEATHCLIFF: (allowing a hint of condescension to creep into his voice) Yes, you brat. Joseph Reiner has broken our laws and he will be punished for it. There’s nothing you can do, even if you ARE the CEO’s son!
FAIRFIELD: (cold) You were never cut out to be a true Narrator, anyway. Your voice was never sure or precise enough. In fact, much of the time you’re tripping over your words and letting them fly out carelessly, without thinking first, resulting in that infernal stutter of yours. And your hot temper- ugh! You were lucky before that Wildwood spoke up on your behalf. Now, your dear friend has been branded a traitor. Without his vouching for you, you’ll be sent packing within the week!
HEATHCLIFF: (emotionless) Calm yourself, Fairfield. We must dispose of the traitor before doing anything about that disgrace to our order!
(Suddenly, the Virgo Interview Dream Team makes their presence known by bursting in through the door. MINA, SKY, MICHAEL, and KOSTAS dash forwards.)
SKY: (shouting) Not today, Parody Cinemas!
MICHAEL: (defiant) We’re the Virgo Interview Dream Team and we’ve come to take you down!
HEATHCLIFF: (sneering) A ragtag band of common folk, unarmed and unaided? You fools will never make it past us; senior Narrators of the highest degree!
(Suddenly, CAMUS and AIOLIA enter epically, as two gold saints should.)
CAMUS: (frostily) Unarmed and unaided? Hardly.
AIOLIA: (yelling) FOR THE VIRGO INTERVIEW!!!! (CAMUS gives him a look) Have you even READ Episode G? I hate Sanctuary- do you really think I’m going to charge into battle yelling “For Sanctuary”?! You jerks still killed Aiolos!
CAMUS: (shrugs) Fair point. You shout what you fight for, I’ll shout what I fight for. (shouting) FOR ATHENA!
(And so the fighting begins. HEATHCLIFF and FAIRFIELD grab walking sticks that were lying off to the side and draw swords out from them. CAMUS takes on HEATHCLIFF and AIOLIA attacks FAIRFIELD. SKY and the others are about to sit back, relax, and watch, when a ton of men dressed the same way as HEATHCLIFF and FAIRFIELD enter. They are lower-class Narrators, but still formidible. MICHAEL, MINA, SKY, and KOSTAS set about fighting them. Eventually, they manage to take care of them all. FAIRFIELD is unconcious, but HEATHCLIFF and CAMUS are nowhere to be seen.)
AIOLIA: (looking around) Hey, where’s Camus?
(CAMUS enters the theater, brushing frost off his armor.)
CAMUS: (looking back where he just came from) I don’t envy the government agents who are put on the detail of moving Heathcliff anytime soon. He might require a bit of thawing out first.
MICHAEL: (shocked) You encased him in an ice block?!
MINA: (equally shocked) What are you going to tell the goverment when they come to apprehend him?!
SKY: (interested) Yeah, Camus, what ARE you going to tell them about the frozen Narratorsicle in the hallway?
CAMUS: (indifferent) I’ll say that he was resisting arrest and I had to stop him with whatever skills I had. Therefore, I froze him.
AIOLIA: (taking a look at the still-unconcious FAIRFIELD) I hope that same excuse applies to zapping people with lightning, beecause that Narrator isn’t getting up any time soon.
CAMUS: (surprised) I’d say not… providing that he DOES wake up.
(Suddenly, they all whip around at the sound of a shout. KOSTAS and WHITEBRIDGE are fighting.)
WHITEBRIDGE: (angry) I t-told you, I’m on y-y-your SIDE!
KOSTAS: (equally angry) No way! You’re a Narrator and I’m gonna take you out!
(Suddenly, he’s frozen in another perfect ice block, courtesy of CAMUS.)
CAMUS: (almost cheerful) I think we all wanted to do that. It’s better than having him continue to assault our ears with his abrasive personality.
MINA: (smiling) You know what? I think I’m beginning to like you saints.
WHITEBRIDGE: (standing up, worried) P-please, Wildwood’s n-n-not doing so well- you n-need to call an ambulance!
CAMUS: (to MICHAEL and MINA) Go find a phone. I think I saw a pay one outside. Hurry!
(He and SKY run to WILDWOOD’s side.)
WILDWOOD: (tired, weak) I… knew it. I knew… I knew I could… count on you…
SKY: (worried) Don’t talk, Wildwood or Joseph or whatever your name is! There’s an ambulance on the way! You’ll be fine- you’ll live!
(WHITEBRDGE kneels beside WILDWOOD, crying.)
WHITEBRIDGE: (tearful) W-W-Wildwood, I wanted to t-tell you m-m-my name. I know that m-m-most Narrators call it dishonorable to r-r-reveal your real n-n-name, b-b-but I want you to know m-mine, okay? M-my n-n-name is Daniel Moon. (he sobs) I w-wanted y-you to know that b-b-before you-
CAMUS: (severe) Wildwood, listen to me. I do NOT give you permission to die on me! If you leave this kid behind, I’ll end up feeling responsible, and being an adept of the Aquarius Temple is NOT enjoyable! If I have to give him a JOB, then he’ll need to actually LIVE with me! Do you have any IDEA how much DANGER that would place him in?! I’ve got idiots storming into my templa at all hours, looking to fight with me! Plus, out of my two apprentices, one is dead and the other is off chasing after girls or whatever it is the Bronze Saints do all day! So unless you want young Whitebridge to descend into social services’ worst nightmare, then hold out a little bit longer! Come ON, Wildwood!
WILDWOOD: (gasping for breath, smiling) You… you… do care…
CAMUS: (rolls his eyes) Of COURSE I care, you complete idiot.
(Just then, paramedics rush in and load WILDWOOD onto a stretcher, followed by government agents who take away FAIRFIELD and HEATHCLIFF’s ice block.)
AGENT: (to all our heroes) You’ve done very well, all of you. Without your help, we could never have apprehended the kidnappers. We’ll release your friend immediately. I’m sure Parody Cinemas will drop their restraining order as well once they hear about what you’ve done. (salutes) You’ve been a great help and I thank you on behalf of the Sanctuary Division.
(With that, he strolls off, leaving behind some dumbfounded heroes.)
SKY: (shocked) Holy Athena, there really IS a Sanctuary Division!
CAMUS: (confused) Why wouldn’t there be?
SKY: (worried) I think Shaka and I are going to get in trouble for impersonating government personnel…
AIOLIA: (incredulous) You guys dressed up as government agents?! What has Shaka been DOING in his free time?!
MICHAEL: (sighs) We’ll probably never know the answer to that. I have no idea what the guy’s thinking half the time.
MINA: (glancing towards KOSTAS) What about Kostas? How are we going to carry that ice block back to Sanctuary?
CAMUS: (smiles) We won’t. I think we’ll just leave him here to defrost, unless anybody has any objections?
(Nobody objects and they exit, leaving behind the ice block, which is beginning to drip, but still a long way from melting.)
(SCENE: A rather late wedding reception. SKY and SHAKA are standing outside; they’ve just arrived. SKY looks excited, but SHAKA looks uneasy.)
SKY: (smiles) Well, here we are! Finally, Michael and Mina’s wedding reception! You ready for your speech?
SHAKA: (worried) Please don’t remind me of that.
SKY: (surprised) Why, Virgo Shaka, you can fearlessly turn yourself in to the government, fight crazed goatherds with exploding pineapples, and grapple with vicious cats, yet you’re afraid of a little wedding speech?!
SHAKA: (embarrassed) Well, it’s just that- I mean, there’s- The thing is- (blushes) Fine. I have what you would call “stage fright”.
SKY: (smiles) Don’t be scared! I’ll be right there next to you! Plus, if you faint, Kage can deliver it for you! She used to be in the drama club! I talked to Michael about your speech and he said I could invite everybody along for moral support!
(SHAKA turns around in surprise to find the saints and the other interviewers standing there. DEATHMASK is cheerfully holding a video camera, no doubt ready to capture the Kodak moment of SHAKA in distress.)
DEATHMASK: (smirks) Don’t worry, I’ll get the entire thing in Technicolor.
APHRODITE: (jabs him in the side) Angelo, we’re here for moral support! That means pretending to be good guys! (whispering) And you know how I’ve always felt about Shaka! Please, don’t embarrass me! Maybe if you don’t screw this up, I’ll actually get to have a conversation with him!
SHURA: (rolls his eyes) I can’t believe I had to come to a wedding- and you made me carpool with APHRODITE!
AIOLOS: (confused) I thought you guys were…
SCARLETTE: (matter-of-factly) Oh, they broke things off ages ago. Shura forgot their twelve-hour anniversary, so Aphrodite got mad and walked out on him.
KAGE: Yeah, he’s with some silver saint now. Had some kind of reptilian constellation- but not Chameleon- and his name was something like Missy or Misha or something...
BETA: (sighs) Lizard Misty.
SCARLETTE: You know him? What’s he like?
BETA: (not wanting to talk about it much) One word: blonde.
(They walk into the reception, laughing and joking around. Everyone looks fairly happy.)
(SCENE: Inside the reception. SHAKA is standing in front of everybody, about to make his speech. KAGE is typing feverishly, not wanting to miss this. MILO is asleep- he’s bored. SKITTLE is playing chess with EMMIE as AIOLOS and AIOLIA watch. CAMUS is spontaneously freezing SHURA’s drink and pretending it isn’t him. DEATHMASK is filming the whole thing. SKY is standing next to SHAKA, and BETA is playing Solitaire on KAGE’s phone. APHRODITE is watching her and occasionally giving her a little help. SCARLETTE is having a chat with both of SAGA’s personalities at once. WILDWOOD and WHITEBRIDGE are standing by the door, watching everything. MICHAEL and MINA are anticipating the speech, and VASILIS is looking incredibly proud as he tells his grandchildren that he once had the privelege of getting snuck out of prison by VIRGO SHAKA impersonating a government agent. AVERY, GIORGETTA, The DOCTOR, ANNABELLE, KIMBERLEY, and all the dead gold saints are sitting at a table, watching it all play out. The DOCTOR is taking her sonic screwdriver to the TARDIS Mark II while AVERY is not looking. Everything is as it should be.)
WILDWOOD: (taking a bow) We hope you enjoyed the show! There’s a big Hot Pocket after party going on in the employee break room! Please join us for free food and thank you for choosing Parody Drive-in Theater! We hope you return for the next exciting installment of this epic chronicle- The Virgo Interview: Five Knights (of the Zodiac) At Freddy’s!

Well, here you go. Enjoy the weirdness of the FNaF Interview. It has no chronological value, but you might just laugh a little while reading it.
I can't play Five Nights at Freddy's 2 anymore because it reminds me too much of this and I start laughing.

WILDWOOD: Hello, uh hello? If you’re hearing this, then chances are you’re here for the pre-opening party! Welcome, everybody, to the Parody Cinemas Omnimax Theater in the Virgo Interview Commemorative Museum! It’s me, your narrator! I hope you’ve enjoyed all the museum attractions thus far. Personally, I think this place is absolutely golden to open to the public right now, but no new system is without it’s kinks and Virgo Entertainment LLC seems to think it isn’t quite… safe… yet. We’ve got lots of cool stuff in there, like performing animatronics- and pizza! We’ve got pizza, too! Mmhmm, makes me hungry just thinking about all that pizza, prepared fresh, all for one low, low price! Bet that makes you feel like spending some cash at our concession stand! Did I mention there’s PIZZA? And it’s really good! You should totally get some of our amazing pizza! (sighs) I’m really sorry, people. The management wants me to try some promoting of our food. I guess that was way too blatant, huh? (laughs) I’m still a little rusty when it comes to narrating. I haven’t practiced in some time. Before I make an idiot of myself, I guess I should get to the point and warn you- this isn’t like all the other interviews. In fact, due to the frightening nature of the content, there was kind of a… debate… regarding whether we actually were gonna screen it at all. I’m not even entirely sure this interview came from the usual source. As such, I’ve been told to tell you by the creator that this show contains loud noises, flashing lights, and LOTS of jumpscares! It’s also been rated PG-13 for frightening imagery, language, fantasy violence, implied dismemberment of the mechanical variety, corny jokes, shameless parodying, bizarre references, saints dressed like animatronics, furries, and illegally large amounts of Lizard Misty. Viewer discretion is advised. Now, let’s get this over with. If any member of the audience feels at any time that the story has become too disturbing or scary for them to continue watching, then it is suggested they leave the theater in case continued exposure triggers a panic attack. Due to the high-tech nature of this place, we cannot turn off the film while it’s rolling, so this is the only way at present to avoid watching. If you do decide to leave, however, be warned: the doors in this place have a habit of spontaneously locking themselves, so you might not be able to get back in again. However, being alone in the museum is perfectly safe as far as we know. Some of the exhibits may move around or make sounds if you go too near them, but there’s no proof that anything… unfortunate… could happen. All right, I think I’ve covered everything! Roll film!

Prologue: It’s Me
(SCENE: An alleyway behind a yet unidentified restaurant, midday. Some workmen are unloading long crates and bringing them in through a door labeled “Service Entrance”. The MANAGER <<who looks suspiciously like the Pope of Sanctuary>> is supervising them. Suddenly, a familiar person walks up- it’s AIOLOS and he’s not a ghost like in the other interviews.)
POPE/MANAGER: (recognizing him) Ah, Sagittarius Aiolos. I believe I ordered you to stay away from here while we transitioned the animatronics.
AIOLOS/PHONE GUY: (sighs) Please, sir. It’s not right that they got scrapped. Sure, they were falling apart, but you could have fixed them. Especially Bonnie. You could have at least done something about her- (he winces) about her face.
POPE/MANAGER: (consoling) Don’t worry about Bonnie, Aiolos. You’ll get to like the new one just as much as the old one. He’s got advanced facial recognition systems, state-of-the-art movement, and a much more realistic voice than the computerized bunny animatronic you knew.
AIOLOS/PHONE GUY: (exasperated) With all due respect, sir, that’s exactly why I’m against it! It’s NOT the Bonnie I knew! None of them are anything like the originals! The new Chica isn’t exactly… kid-friendly, the new Freddy is much too short, and the new Foxy- ugh, I can’t even LOOK at that one! It’s just… off. There’s something about it- something twisted- that I don’t like one bit.
POPE/MANAGER: (sharply) Like it or not, Sagittarius, this is what the management has told us to do. You don’t want to go against them, do you?
AIOLOS/PHONE GUY: (sullen) No, sir.
(He walks away around the corner. As soon as he’s out of the manager’s view, he darts inside the building where the crates were being brought in. He dashes through the front room and off through a side door marked “Parts and Service”. Inside, four girls are slumped in various positions on the floor. SKY is dressed like CHICA, BETA is dressed like FREDDY, SCARLETTE is dressed like FOXY, and lying in the back, KAGE can be seen, dressed like BONNIE. She is slumped over so her face can’t seen, almost like she’s embarrassed by the state she’s in. AIOLOS sighs as he looks at her.)
AIOLOS/PHONE GUY: (falsely cheerful) Hi, Bonnie! You’re looking a little worse for wear, huh? Can’t let the kids see you like this, can we? (pulls out a roll of bandages) There- we’ll use these to cover up your- (he gulps) your face. I’m really sorry I can’t to anything about the arm, but hey! Soon, the management will realize we need you and your friends to perform more than those toys they’ve brought in and they’ll get you fixed up properly. You’ll see.
(He leaves, unable to stay any longer. As soon as he’s gone, a red light appears where KAGE/BONNIE’s left eye would be, SKY/CHICA’s arm moves a bit, SCARLETTE/FOXY flips down her eyepatch, and BETA/FREDDY picks up her top hat off the floor before they all go back to their slumped positions.)
(SCENE: In the front room of the restaurant. Six crates are lying in the middle of the room, open. AIOLIA dressed like TOY FREDDY, MILO dressed like TOY BONNIE, LIZARD MISTY dressed like THE MANGLE, DEATHMASK dressed like THE MARIONETTE, and KIKI <<the apprentice of ARIES MU and the only one small enough for this role>> dressed like BALLOON BOY are lying inside. The crate that would have contained somebody dressed like TOY CHICA is empty. She is walking away from her crate, following two shadowy figures- SHADOW FREDDY and SHADOW BONNIE, who look like PEACOCK SHIVA and LOTUS AGHORA <<the two apprentices of VIRGO SHAKA in the Saint Seiya anime>> respectively. Her face cannot be seen.)
???/TOY CHICA: (confused) Freddy? Bonnie? Where are you guys going? Why won’t you talk to me? I thought we were friends! Come on, why are you acting so weird?
(Suddenly, SHIVA/SHADOW BONNIE and AGHORA/ SHADOW FREDDY turn around. They’re both holding wrenches and grinning menacingly.)
???/TOY CHICA: (scared) Why do you guys have those wrenches? What are you going to do? This isn’t funny anymore! Come on, we need to go back to our boxes!
(They advance closer, raising the wrenches)
???/TOY CHICA: (terrified) Wha- what are you doing?! Get away from me! You can’t do this- it’s against pizzeria regulations to tamper with the animatronics! You can’t-
(Suddenly, the view cuts to the front room, where the shadows of SHIVA, AGHORA, and TOY CHICA can be seen playing out the grisly deed of dismantlement until TOY CHICA’s animatronic parts are scattered across the floor, irreparably broken. After this has happened, the view cuts back to SHIVA and AGHORA. A voice sounds from behind them.)
SHAKA/GOLDEN FREDDY: (disapproving) I told you to make sure the new Chica wasn’t operational, not to scatter her parts across the entire pizzeria. Killing her wasn’t necessary. Otherwise, we’re no better than the very murderer we’re trying to catch.
SHIVA/SHADOW BONNIE: (looks down at the dismantled form of TOY CHICA) All the same, she won’t be bothering us. I know how you feel about them replacing the real Chica.
AGHORA/SHADOW FREDDY: (plainly grossed out) What shall we do with this mess, anyway?
SHAKA/GOLDEN FREDDY: (turning away) Put it back in the box where it was. They’ll think it was damaged in transport. Nobody saw her in her former intact state. All the same, it will take some time for them to get a new one from their manufacturer. During that time I won’t have to look a disgusting copy in the face. The others are one thing, but Chica… one cannot simply replace a friend. Now take that thing out of my sight before I remove it myself.
(SHIVA and AGHORA drag off the remains of TOY CHICA as SHAKA fades away into the darkness. The view changes to the outside of the pizzeria. It’s raining, and a flash of lightning illuminates the sign, showing us what we already feared to be true: this is Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza.)
END PROLOGUE
(SCENE: Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, evening. APHRODITE is walking in. The Day Guard <<CAMUS>> is standing there, packed up and ready to leave.)
CAMUS/DAY GUARD: (annoyed) You were supposed to be here thirty minutes ago! I’ve been waiting around here to close up for ages! You know, being late on your first day is a great way to get fired!
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (tossing his hair) They won’t fire me, I’m too pretty! (looking around) The ONLY pretty thing in this place, by the looks of it. Ugh, I’ve always hated animatronic dolls. They’re so creepy, the way they stare at you.
CAMUS/DAY GUARD: (unsympathetic) Well, I bet they’re even worse at night. Enjoy yourself- I’ve heard they roam around at night and your security office has no doors, so I think you’ll be getting quite familiar with Toy Bonnie, Toy Freddy, and Toy Foxy.
APHRODITE/ JEREMY FITZGERALD: (confused) Wait, didn’t there used to be a chicken one, too? I remember it from when I was a kid. It was named Celia or Carrie or something.
CAMUS/DAY GUARD: Not even close. It’s Chica. The toy model of her was badly damaged in the transportation to this facility. Practically shredded, really. So you won’t have to worry about her. Except for the old one in the Parts and Service Room which can’t move, you won’t be seeing much of the chicken.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (not even disappointed) It’s just as well. I only liked Freddy. Chica was always so… CHEERFUL. It annoyed me. She didn’t even care when I threatened to destroy her with my Pirhanian Roses. Honestly, that animatronic was the rudest piece of technology I’d ever met. She didn’t even say I was pretty! Normally I have women wrapped around my little finger… not that I care for women, you understand-
(He stops noticing that CAMUS has left.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (annoyed) Why, that jerk! He didn’t stay to listen to my story! Are all the people and animatronics around here immune to my natural beauty and charisma?! I guess I’d better find the security office before things get any more annoying.
(He goes off to find the office.)
(SCENE: In the security office. APHRODITE is eating a salad while looking around at everything. Suddenly, the phone rings, scaring the living daylights out of him.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (scared) EEEEEK! THEY’RE COMING!!! FOXY’S GOING TO KILL ME AND MAKE MY GORGEOUS FACE INTO A PEPPERONI PIZZA, THEN SERVE IT TO THE CUSTOMERS!!!! AIIIIEEEEE!!!!
(He realizes that it’s just the phone ringing.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (blushing, embarrassed) Oh, it’s just the phone. Ha ha, this place must really be getting to me. Calm down, Jeremy. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Wouldn’t want to start panicking first night on the job, would we? (picking up the phone) Hello, Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza Security Office, this is Jeremy Fitzgerald speaking.
AIOLOS/PHONE GUY: Hello? Uh, hello? Oh, hi! You must be the new guy they hired- welcome to your summer job! My name is… look, just call me Phone Guy, okay? I’m technically not supposed to be calling you, seeing as I don’t…uh… really work here anymore. Just… uh… just wanted to clear up some stuff. The animatronics are placed in a sort of free roaming mode at night, so.. um… they kind of wander around. I don’t think any of them usually come anywhere near the office, but the last guy complained that they would sometimes get into your office and act… uh… act kind of hostile. Something about you looking to them like an endoskeleton without a suit on and trying to forcibly stuff you in one. Although that shouldn’t happen because of the facial recognition systems in… uh… the new models, we’ve given you an empty Freddy Fazbear head. If somehow one of them did get in the office, then you can put it on. Is there anything else? Oh yeah- the building and the music box. First up- due to the modern design of this place, there aren’t any doors for you to close. Just so you know. However, don’t worry about running out of power or anything- the only thing that might run out of power is your flashlight, but I’m sure you won’t have to use it too much. The office is pretty well lit. Oh, and about the music box- you gotta keep it wound. You can wind it remotely via Cam 11 on your monitor. It doesn’t really affect any of the animatronics except… uh… one of them. But hey! Don’t worry and your first night will go fine! Oh, wait! I forgot to warn you about the old animatronics. They old versions of Freddy, Foxy, Chica, and (gulps) Bonnie are in the Parts and Service room. You shouldn’t have to worry about them, I don’t think they can move. It’s just that Bonnie… she’s kind of missing her… her… there was some damage done to her face. But they probably won’t bother you. G-g-good Luck!
(AIOLOS hangs up, leaving behind a scared APHRODITE.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (terrified) Oh good gravy. (pulling up the cameras) Guess I’d better wind up that music box or some creepy thing will probably come and kill me while I’m not looking… (He winds up the music box. Inside THE MARIONETTE’s box, DEATHMASK can be heard muttering “Dang it, I almost had him!”) And now to check the hallway… (He clicks the hall light. There’s nothing there. Nobody comes in the hallway this early on the first night.) Hmm, maybe I should check out the rest of these cameras… (he clicks through the cameras) Nothing interesting- WAIT, WHAT?! (clicks back to the Show Stage) Toy Bonnie’s gone! I have to find him and make sure that evil blue bunny doesn’t come anywhere near me! (he rapidly clicks through cameras, trying to find MILO. Finally, he pulls up the camera in the party room, and MILO is staring straight into it with his big, creepy green eyes.)
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (smiling evilly) Hi there, animatronic bait.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (falling out of his chair) AIEEEEEE!!!
(He hits his head and gets knocked unconscious.)
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (sighs) Well, that really kills the fun for me. Stuffing an unconscious guy in a suit is just plain DEPRESSING! He won’t even squirm around and beg for mercy, or respond to my jumpscare! Where’s the enjoyment in that?! Guess I’ll go back to the show stage and play my guitar while singing blues songs about fighting in the Holy War.
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (scuttling along the ceiling, fixing his hair) Did you get him?
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (exasperated) I should say I didn’t! I did my “staring at the camera, looking into your soul” thing ONCE and he knocked himself out cold!
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (pouting) But I didn’t even get to crawl in the vents! You know how I enjoy a good crawl through the vents! It’s amazing exercise and the walls are like mirrors so I can check last minute if a hair’s out of place before my jumpscare!
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (sighs) What can I say? He’s a lean, beautiful, Adonis-like disappointment!
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (shocked) Bonnie! You don’t mean to tell me that this night guard is good looking?! That after all these years of solitude and sadness, the flower of my beauty will finally get to bloom in a passionate romance?!
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (rolls his eyes) One, we’ve only been here a few months, two, he’s terrified of animatronics. Plus, hate to break it to you, but you’re not exactly… normal looking anymore. Not after… what happened.
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (tearfully) There’s no need to remind me of what those horrid toddlers did! I know that I’m forever disfigured! I know that nobody will ever love me in this state! I know that I’m condemned to a lifetime of loneliness! (he sniffles) That night guard will probably take one look at me and have a heart attack!
AIOLIA/TOY FREDDY: (walking in) Oh great, the spider thing is crying again.
(MISTY sobs even louder)
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (grimaces) Not a great time for the insults. He’s having another one of his “nobody loves me I’m hideous” moments.
AIOLIA/TOY FREDDY: (giving the crying MISTY on the ceiling a glance) What, AGAIN?! These little episodes are getting more and more frequent. Maybe we should have him see somebody.
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (rolls his eyes) Like there are psychiatrists that specialize in narcissistic and horribly deformed animatronic foxes. The only thing that would help him is if somebody fixed him up and got the toddlers to stop ripping him to shreds, which is never gonna happen, or if he found someone willing to overlook his overall… mangle-ness and fall in love with him.
AIOLIA/TOY FREDDY: (sighs) How about a solution that’s not completely improbable? I mean, in order to fall for MANGLE, the person would not only need to be able to overlook seven extra limbs, fall for femininely beautiful naricissistic guys, but be a complete airhead to boot!
(Just then, the clocks chime out 6 AM and APHRODITE saunters through the room to the exit.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (laughing triumphantly) Ha! I survived the first night in this crazy place! I bet the animatronics all thought I was simply too beautiful to kill! (noticing the animatronics) I see neither of you bothered me one bit! (looks up at MISTY on the ceiling) Oh, what a pretty animatronic! I don’t think you’re so scary- perhaps if you came into my office, I wouldn’t mind. You’re just like me, one very, VERY good-looking guy among a bunch of idiots who take you for granted! I think we’ll get along well!
(He saunters out the door, brandishing a rose.)
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (sighs happily) Oh sweet Athena, he’s an angel disguised as a night guard! I think I’m falling in LOVE!
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (shocked) Wow. That was- wow.
AIOLIA/TOY FREDDY: (equally shocked) You said it, bro. There are no words to describe what went down here.
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (shocked) Let us never speak of this again.
AIOLIA/TOY FREDDY: (shocked) Yes, let’s not.
(They return to the Show Stage, not wanting to talk about what just happened.)
(SCENE: The next night. Night 2 is when you actually start having some fun. The toys will become more active, and The Mangle, BB, and Foxy make their first appearance, and sometimes <<very rarely>> the rest of the animatronics. However, our animatronic pals won’t exactly conform to game standards... BETA, SKY, SCARLETTE, and KAGE are standing in the parts and service room, discussing something.)
SCARLETTE/FOXY: (shrugs) Say what you like. Call me a scaredy fox, I don’t care. I’m not going out there all alone and being the only original animatronic. It’s too embarrassing. I mean, I don’t even KNOW these guys! And they’re your REPLACEMENTS! What do I even SAY in a situation like that, anyway?
KAGE/BONNIE: (thinking) Well, we’re not TECHNICALLY supposed to be active until his third night. You know, when he finally gets the ropes and we can spike the difficulty without it being totally unfair. I mean, I know how I would feel if I was him and we became active his second night on the job.
SKY/CHICA: (interested) How WOULD you feel?
KAGE/BONNIE: (smirks) Pressured and challenged. I’d stop feeling gypped and actually start having to work for my comfy little guard paycheck. They’re actually paying him for this, he’s gotta earn it. There IS a small chance that we can become active on Night 2 anyway.
SKY/CHICA: (excited) Yay! We can jumpscare people and hide in the vents after all! C’mon, Skittle! (SKITTLE dressed in a cupcake costume comes padding out of nowhere, carrying a travel chess set) Oh, THERE you are! Everybody was looking for you! We thought you’d gone off with Goldie again, investigating that purple guy!
BETA/FREDDY: (straightening her top hat) Okay, girls, this is how we’re gonna do this- Foxy, you go out first. Get to the hallway as quick as you can and occupy his attention. See if he gets the flashlight trick to ward you off. If not, jumpscare the crap outta him until he does. Chica, you and Bonnie go out next. Bonnie, go to the hallway and see if you can slip in while he’s not looking. If that doesn’t work, go for the vent. Chica, bother him like crazy from the other vent. Bring Skittle with you- that cupcake is messed up. I mean, it’s a cat who’s also a dessert and happens to enjoy playing chess. That’s creepy in my book. Lastly, I’ll go out there and get into his hallway. I’ll try to block his view so that he can’t see you, Foxy. Then, when he goes to check the cams, I’ll duck down and you can jump over me to fly into the office like we practiced. Everyone got it?
SKY/CHICA: (raises her hand) Question- when in this plan do I eat pizza with Goldie?
BETA/FREDDY: (sighs) Chica, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Golden Me isn’t going to help us anymore. He’s… changed. After the incident at the last location that forced us into preemptive retirement, he’s been a different robotic bear than the one you were friends with. Goldie wants this to become a war.
SKY/CHICA: (shaking her head) No, Freddy! You’re wrong- he isn’t like that! He’s not evil or corrupted or scary like everyone says! He just wants things to go back like they were, same as us! You just don’t understand him!
BETA/FREDDY: (sarcastic) Oh how I wish that were the case… I understand Golden Me all too well and honestly, the truth isn’t pretty.
SCARLETTE/FOXY: (hastily, trying to avoid a fight) Guys, it’s getting pretty close to midnight- the night gets started soon. Try not to kill each other. We’ll resolve this later. Now girls, please. Keep the animatronic drama in the parts and service room. Once the night starts, if you two even THINK the words “Golden Freddy”, then it had BETTER be about the Animatronic Academy Awards we’re holding after this night guard’s time with the company is over.
(With that, she sweeps out to go scare the guard.)
(SCENE: In the office. APHRODITE is looking a little worried as he picks up the phone.)
AIOLOS/PHONE GUY: (falsely cheerful) Hey there! You made it through your first night! I knew you would do fine. Hey, uh, did you see Foxy at all? She typically appears at the end of your hall, has red fur, hook for a hand? No? Okay, she was one of my favorites. I liked all the old ones, of course. Chica, Freddy, Foxy, and (he gulps) Bonnie were always so… I loved to see them perform together. Speaking of Foxy, she’ll probably show up tonight. Just warning you, she’s not like the others. The mask doesn’t fool her for some reason. However, if she does appear in your hallway, then just flash your light at her a couple times. The animatronics tend to get stunned by sudden flashes of bright light. It’ll freeze them in place for a couple seconds. Another animatronic I need to warn you about: The Mangle. He was meant to be Foxy’s replacement in the Kids Cove. Thing is, though, employees were having to put him back together after every shift because the toddlers kept getting their hands on him and taking him apart. Eventually, the continued maintenance got too costly for the company, so they just left him as a take-apart-and-put-together attraction. However, just don’t scream or anything when you see him. As far as we know, that makes him more… aggressive. Oh, and one more thing- you really need to keep winding that music box. I never liked that Marionette thing. So… uh… good luck and I’ll hear from you again tomorrow night!
(He hangs up, leaving behind a very, very frightened APHRODITE.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (scared) The MANGLE?! MORE aggressive?! Marionette thing?! FOXY?! WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS HELLISH PIZZERIA?!
(Suddenly, a voice emanates from the vent.)
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (unhappily) I’ll tell you what’s going on- neglect, dismemberment by toddlers, and bad parenting!
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (surprised) Which one are you?
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (sadly) The deformed one. The horrifying one. The monster. The one they call The Mangle because of what a bunch of horrible children did.
(APHRODITE clicks the hall light. BETA is standing there with her microphone and top hat, ready to scare him. APHRODITE gives her a dismissive little wave and clicks off the light.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (consoling) And I’m Jeremy Fitzgerald. They call me “Animatronic Bait”. You don’t need to be so down on yourself. Toddlers are ruthless, it’s true. One of them actually had the gall to TAKE one of my precious roses! Just TOOK it! And then he got all mad at me when it pricked him. Of course, the mother took HIS side, saying that I shouldn’t give dangerous things to toddlers!
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (indignant) That’s what the management did to me! They simply said “kids will be kids” and LET them tear me apart! They called it a “take-apart-and-put-together” attraction! I used to have a shiny new animatronic body like the others, but now I’m just a twisted mess of limbs! It’s not even FAIR!
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (appalled) They should have fixed you! (clicking the hall light, yelling shrilly) I SEE YOU THERE, FREDDY! MY VISION IS 20/20! YOU CAN’T SNEAK PAST ME! I’M NOT SOME HALF-ASLEEP TEENAGER WORKING TO MAKE A FEW BUCKS SO THEY CAN GO TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE! I’M WIIIIIIDE AWAKE, YOU STUPID BEAR! WIIIIIIDE AWAKE! YOU AREN’T GETTING PAST ME, NO SIR!
BETA/FREDDY: (annoyed) Watch who you’re calling stupid, animatronic bait! I have a degree in cryptozoology, I’ll have you know! That’s one more degree than you’re EVER gonna have!
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (interested) Really? I dropped out of my Freshman year in college to pursue a career in modeling!
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (miffed) I could get into college if I wanted to! I just don’t want to!
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (from the vents, a bit worried) Oh good gravy.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (annoyed) So I haven’t gone to college! Big deal! There’s no need to act all surprised! Why do you think I’m working as a night guard in a children’s pizzeria?!
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (faintly) No, no. It’s not that. You see, I’m just a little bit… well, this is rather embarrassing, but I seem to be stuck.
BETA/FREDDY: (facepalms) Oh, you’ve GOT to be kidding me.
SKY/CHICA: (crawling out of the other vent) What’s going on?
BETA/FREDDY: (annoyed) The jumble of animatronic limbs got stuck in the vent… again.
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (hasty) No, no no, you guys don’t understand! Seriously, out of character, off script, I’m really stuck in this vent the prop department built!
BETA/FREDDY: (rolls her eyes) Good job, Misty, good job. You’re officially going down in history as the guy who got stuck in the prop vent because his Mangle costume was too elaborate.
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (indignant) Don’t blame me, blame the prop department!
ALDEBARAN/SPRINGTRAP: (wandering in) Is it my cue yet?
KAGE/BONNIE: (walking in without bandages on her face or makeup of any kind) Not even close, Aldebaran. Who’s copy of the script are you even LOOKING at?
ALDEBARAN/SPRINGTRAP: (hands her the script) This one.
KAGE/BONNIE: (facepalms) Well, THERE’S your problem! It’s missing half of the pages! Here, take my copy. I’ve been taking so many stylistic liberties, the thing isn’t of any use to me. I mean, I WROTE it! I know my lines back to front anyhow!
ALDEBARAN/SPRINGTRAP: (looking at the vent) Did Misty get stuck again? I thought we cleared that up in rehearsal!
KAGE/BONNIE: (sighs) This is what I get for hiring a silver saint to perform in a gold saint-calibur role. I knew I should have cast Mu as the Mangle instead of going with another shameless gag opportunity! He’s at least thin enough to FIT IN THE SODDING VENT!!!
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (annoyed) Are you calling me FAT?!
KAGE/BONNIE: (scathing) Trust you to hone in on the one insult to your appearance in a whole series of insults to your acting ability.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (consoling, to MISTY) Don’t worry, baby, I think you’re doing well. We’ll have you out of that vent in no time.
AIOLOS/PHONE GUY: (entering through the other vent wearing a bathrobe and drinking a coffee) Hey, these vents aren’t so bad! I bet we could fit all the gold saints in one of these fine and spacious vents quite comfortably!
KAGE/BONNIE: (sighs) I know, right? And yet Lizard Misty in his Mangle costume is too much, apparently. Abby and I can go side by side, Aldebaran can crawl all the way through with room to spare, and Aphrodite can slide through IN HIS GOLD CLOTH, yet Misty goes in and everything goes haywire. (confused) And why aren’t you even dressed?
AIOLOS/PHONE GUY: (sitting down at the security desk, spinning in the chair) I don’t have any in-person appearances anytime soon. Therefore, I could be doing my lines in my altogether and nobody would care.
SKY/CHICA: (weirded out) Please don’t.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (laughing) Seriously, don’t do that, Sagittarius. I can barely keep a straight face during this as it is. There’s no need to put images in my mind of you delivering your Phone Guy speeches in the buff. I don’t want to think about that while getting into my Jeremy Fitzgerald role.
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (very casual for a guy in a fox costume stuck in a vent) Really? See, I think delivering his lines like that would be really different. Freeing, really. (smirking) I say we all rehearse like that.
SHAKA/GOLDEN FREDDY: (walking in through the main hall) Oh no, is Misty stuck again?
SKY/CHICA: (scared) Shaka, help! He’s suggesting that we rehearse in our birthday suits!
SHAKA/GOLDEN FREDDY: (exasperated) Misty, it’s not happening. Get your mind out of the gutter.
KAGE/BONNIE: (laughs) His mind can’t get INTO the gutter to begin with! It’s with the rest of him- in the vent! And he ain’t going anywhere anytime soon!
SCARLETTE/FOXY: (walking in) Have any of you seen Saga? His evil persona stole my Madoka Magica shirt.
SAGA/PURPLE MAN: (coming out from beneath the desk, handing SCARLETTE the shirt) I’m SO sorry. Here you go. Fortunately he’s happy with our role, so he says no more pranks. Oh, and he also suggests greasing the vent in Crisco before Misty uses it. Then, he’ll slide right through and not stick. He says it works for cookies, so why not silver saints?
SCARLETTE/FOXY: (confused) Thanks, but why were you under the desk, anyway?
SAGA/PURPLE MAN: (dusting himself off) Just testing out the space in case we need to use it for anything. You guys couldn’t see me or anything, so maybe we can use it for a jumpscare.
(Suddenly, MILO bursts in, followed closely by CAMUS and the entire prop department- MU, SHURA, AVALON, REN, and EMMIE. DEATHMASK is following them, carrying a skull and munching on a gummy snake.)
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (out of breath) We heard there was some kind of emergency! Is somebody hurt? Did the set collapse on Aphrodite again?! Is the bill collector outside?! What’s going on?
KAGE/BONNIE: (nonchalant) Emergency? Oh, it’s really nothing like that. Misty is simply stuck in our prop vent again and we need you to get him out.
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (indignant) You mean I ran all the way here for nothing?! Do you have any idea how huge this set is?!
DEATHMASK/THE MARIONETTE: (munching on his gummy snake) If Misty dies in that vent, can I have his face?
KAGE/BONNIE: (rolls her eyes) Yes, Deathmask, you can have his face. Thank you for your sensitivity to Misty’s plight.
(Suddenly, SHIVA and AGHORA drop in through the ceiling, carrying wrenches)
SHIVA/SHADOW BONNIE: (to KAGE) It’s around 6 AM, you guys.
SKY/CHICA: (yelling into the vent) Congrats, pretty boy, you just wasted a whole night of my interview! Good job! I’m gonna murder your face when you get out of there!
DEATHMASK/MARIONETTE: (annoyed) You can’t murder his face- I already called his face! You can have his liver!
SKY/CHICA: (equally annoyed) No, no no! I just want to murder his face! Once I’m done murdering it, you can have it for your wall!
AVALON: (sighs) I guess we should get to work on getting Misty out of that vent.
REN: (sarcastic) Hooray, overtime.
(The prop department, SHIVA, AGHORA, and DEATHMASK get to work disassembling the vent.)
(SCENE: The next night, 12 AM. The animatronics are all gathered in the parts and service room, about to have a meeting so they can plan strategy.)
AIOLIA/TOY FREDDY: (bangs a gavel on the table) This meeting of the G.R.O.S.S- Get Rid Of Slimy GuardS- will now come to order. I, (grudgingly) Vice Dictator For Life Freddy, hereby move to discuss strategy regarding the removal of a certain Jeremy Fitzgerald from our pizzeria.
BETA/FREDDY: (innocently) You’re forgetting your full title.
AIOLIA/TOY FREDDY: (annoyed) Fine. I, Vice Dictator For Life Knockoff Freddy, hereby move to discuss strategy regarding the removal of what I said before. Are you HAPPY?!
BETA/FREDDY: (smiles just a little evilly) And I, Supreme Dictator For Life Freddy, second that motion.
DEATHMASK/MARIONETTE: (smiling creepily) I say we all rush the office and attack him before he can put on the mask. Then, once he’s dead, I get his face.
SKY/CHICA: (correcting him) You mean after I murder it.
DEATHMASK/MARIONETTE: (grumpy) No way I’m letting YOU do the fun part.
SKY/CHICA: (raising her hand) Permission to insult the Captain of Sudden Death Marionette, Supreme Dictator For Life Freddy?
BETA/FREDDY: (banging her gavel, which is flashier and much cooler than AIOLIA’s) Permission granted, General In Charge of Pizza Chica!
SKY/CHICA: (to SKITTLE) Lieutenant Skittle, give the Captain of Sudden Death Marionette the Middle Claw!
(SKITTLE raises her middle claw at DEATHMASK)
KAGE/BONNIE: (stepping forward) I would like to put forward a strategy with the approval of the Dictator and Vice Dictator For Life.
BETA/FREDDY: (banging her gavel again- even as an animatronic, she’s gavel-happy) Approval granted, President and First Rabbit Bonnie.
AIOLIA/TOY FREDDY: (banging his gavel as well) I approve the motion as well, President and First Rabbit Bonnie.
KAGE/BONNIE: (standing up to present her case) I suggest that we all distract him in the hallway somehow. While that happens, Misty can sneak over and-
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (hopefully) Crawl in the VENTS?
EVERYONE: (shouting) NO!
KAGE/BONNIE: (glaring at MISTY) What I was going to say before being rudely interrupted by our Club Mascot was that Mangle should go and cut the wire which he uses to remotely wind the music box. That way, Deathmask can leap out while he’s distracted and get him.
KIKI/BB: (steps forward next to KAGE) Wow, is this my first line in all the interviews? Is anybody documenting this? (back in character) Maybe if Misty screws up again, I should be on standby to crawl into the vent and steal his flashlight batteries. Then, you all can storm the office like a bunch of soldiers storming a barricade.
KAGE/BONNIE: (smiles) Good idea, Kiki! (to herself) Barricades… maybe I should do a Les Mis interview next, with Camus as Javert, Kiki as Gavroche, Milo as one of the revolutionary dudes whose names I never remember, and Shaka as a blonde, long haired, meditative Jean Valjean. Yeah, that sounds good. Shaka singing “Bring Him Home”... this must happen. Even if I have to get them all singing coaches, this is SO gonna happen…
KIKI/BB: (confused) Who’s Gavroche?
MILO/TOY BONNIE: (even more confused) Who’s Jean Valjean?
MISTY/THE MANGLE: (completely and utterly confused) Who’s SHAKA?!
BETA/FREDDY: (rolling her eyes) I think we can all see who’s been paying very close attention to these interviews. Good plan, El Presidente. Meeting adjourned. Let’s go make that night guard wish he’d gone to college after all.
(They all exit the room to go scare APHRODITE)
(SCENE: La oficina de seguridad, as SHURA would say it. APHRODITE is lazily flashing the hall light.)
APHRODITE: (bored) Ugh, nothing’s HAPPENING tonight! I knew I should’ve cut work and gotten a manicure!
(Suddenly, on the next flash, he sees BETA in the hallway doing a zombie walk. Alarmed, he clicks the light again. Now, MILO is playing Guitar Hero with KAGE. They both have very intense game faces. Getting more scared, he clicks the light yet again. Now, SKITTLE and EMMIE are playing chess. Flash. Now GARFIELD is lying on the board, wrapped in a blanket, as SKITTLE and EMMIE try frantically to push him off it with their paws. It’s no good-he just won’t move. Flash. Instead of the modern cast of the interview, GIORGETTA, The DOCTOR, KIMBERLEY, and ANNABELLE are dressed in the animatronic costumes. Flash. Now the entire cast is there singing “Finale B” from RENT. Flash. Now it’s just the four interviewer girls singing “The Longest Time” by Billy Joel. Flash. Now KAGE is there playing the guitar riff from The Bonnie Song. Flash. Now SKY and SHAKA are standing there dressed like Lynne and Sissel from Ghost Trick. Flash. Now SCARLETTE is dressed like Akemi Homura from Madoka Magica. Flash. Now EVIL SAGA is there, holding a box of Samoas. Flash. Now KIKI is sitting in the hallway, reading a comic book. Flash. Now SCARLETTE and KAGE are drawing manga together as SKY begs KAGE to work on the interview and BETA scarfs Swedish Fish. Flash. Now THE MASTER is standing there, smiling evilly. Flash. Now the hallway is filled with kittens. Flash. Now it’s filled with gummy snakes. Flash. Now MILO’s standing there, holding a drawing of APHRODITE being stuffed into a suit. Flash. Now AIOLIA is there, eating a poptart. Flash. The entire prop department is standing there. SHURA yells something in Spanish. Flash. Now all the gold saints, past and present, are standing there. Flash. Now all the interviewers, past and present, are standing there. Flash. Now the hallway is empty. By now it is 5:59 AM.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (calming down) Whew, they’re all gone. And I’ve only got one more minute. What could happen in one minute?
(Suddenly, DEATHMASK comes flying out of the hallway. APHRODITE screams and falls out of his chair, twitches a bit on the floor with a hand over his heart, then goes limp.)
DEATHMASK/MARIONETTE: (standing up, dusting himself off) He’s gone, everybody!
(Just then, the clock changes to 6 AM as APHRODITE lies still and cold on the floor)
(SCENE: A hospital, morning. APHRODITE wakes up in a hospital bed, hooked up to a heart monitor.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (confused) Wh-where am I? The last thing I remember was… the Marionette leaping at me… and then my chest hurting… what happened to me?
SAGA/THE PURPLE MAN: (looking out the window at the end of the room) You suffered from a heart attack when the animatronic jumped at you. Indeed, you’re lucky to be alive.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (surprised) I had a heart attack?! But that- I’m too young to have had a heart attack!
SAGA/THE PURPLE MAN: (terse) Which is why you’re going to quit working at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (shocked) You want me to stop working at Freddy’s?!
SAGA/THE PURPLE MAN: (cold) For all intents and purposes, Night Guard, yes. You’re in over your head with that place. You can’t possibly begin to understand what secrets that pizzeria holds. You must either quit your job now or go down with that hellish place. I hope that after your experience last night, you will heed my warning and leave quietly.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (defiant as the heart rate monitor shows his heartbeat getting faster and faster) That sounds like a threat, and I warn you- I don’t take threats well. If you want me to get away from Freddy’s, you let me complete my five nights and then I’ll go. But not before. I’m working this job for a very, very good reason. I can’t just quit, because that would be quitting on something very important to me. Indeed, I can’t and I won’t! So take your prophecies of doom elsewhere, because I.. WON’T… LISTEN… TO… YOU!
(With that, he faints.)
SAGA/THE PURPLE MAN: (icily) Very well. You’ve made your choice, Mr. Fitzgerald. But can you really live with the consequences?
(With that, he sweeps out.)
(Once he’s gone, APHRODITE opens his eyes groggily to behold a new and more surreal visitor- SHAKA is sitting in the corner of the office, slumped over. Once APHRODITE notices him, he straightens up, coming to life.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (breathing hard) Who… what ARE you?
SHAKA/GOLDEN FREDDY: (grimacing) A foretaste of what is coming for you and the animatronics. My name is Golden Freddy.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (surprised) A foretaste? What’s going to happen?
SHAKA/GOLDEN FREDDY: (grim, emotionless) Something horrible.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (impatient) Well, when is this horrible thing going to happen? Who’s behind this?
SHAKA/GOLDEN FREDDY: (a hint of anger creeping into his voice) The man in purple, the one who warned you to stay away from Freddy’s. His despicable deeds begin today. Indeed, at this very moment, the events that will bring about the demise of the pizzeria as we know it have begun.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (worried) The demise of the pizzeria?! But isn’t there a way to stop it?!
SHAKA/GOLDEN FREDDY: (solemn) It has already begun. There’s nothing you can do.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (stands up shakily) I’m going back there! I’m going to find what he did and stop him!
(He takes off running down the hall of the hospital.)
(SCENE: Outside the pizzeria. There are police squad cars and people everywhere. Also, there is a set of adults who everybody is giving a wide berth- there are five sets of parents, and they all look incredibly scared and sad. APHRODITE pushes through the crowd and dashes into the pizzeria.)
SHAKA/GOLDEN FREDDY: (appearing beside him) There’s nothing you can do, Jeremy. It’s already begun.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (angry) Shut UP! (taking a swing at SHAKA and missing)
(Inside the pizzeria is a madhouse. CAMUS is sitting off to the side, muttering “it’s all my fault… should’ve seen it coming” to himself. The police are swarming everything. APHRODITE ducks unnoticed into the Parts and Service room.)
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (breathing hard) Freddy! Freddy, what’s going on?! What happened?!
BETA/FREDDY: (shell-shocked) He took the children, Jeremy. The man in purple… he kidnapped them. Five children. They’re somewhere inside the pizzeria. He has them… and there’s nothing we can do.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (equally shell-shocked, struggling to remain conscious) Then Golden Freddy… was right…
(With that, he collapses unconscious at the feet of a very scared BETA)
(SCENE: Two days later. APHRODITE is walking into the pizzeria. He looks very, very pale and he’s lost weight. CAMUS is sitting in his usual spot.)
CAMUS/DAY GUARD: (tired, falsely cheerful) Well, if it isn’t Mr. Genius Night Guard himself. Heard you survived a heart attack then ran all the way back here from the hospital when you heard about the missing kids.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (weakly) I’m not in the mood… hey, do I even know your name? I’m sorry I never bothered to ask, but
CAMUS/DAY GUARD: (laughing softly) No, I don’t suppose you do. Kurt Schmidt, day guard here at this pizzeria. (sighs) Y’know, I’ve got a son who used to love coming here. Indeed, he even wanted to come the day the kids vanished. Just thinking that if we did all come to this place last night… that maybe one of those missing kids could’ve been Mikey… God, it scares me, kid. You’ll understand it when you have children of your own someday. (standing up) Well, gotta go. My family’s probably worried sick about me. You take care of yourself until tomorrow, Fitzgerald.
APHRODITE/JEREMY FITZGERALD: (waving goodbye) Same to you, Kurt. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’ll see you when you get off duty tomorrow.
(He strolls off into the darkness.)
(SCENE: The parts and service room. DEATHMASK is sitting in there. The four interviewers and SHAKA are lying on the floor before him, and they’re limp.)
DEATHMASK/THE MARIONETTE: (almost lovingly) There you go, you five. Settled in nice and comfy. You don’t need to be scared; Freddy, Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, and Goldie will take care of you now. They love little kids like you, they won’t let anything happen to your souls. If anybody’s gonna protect you, it’s them. The purple man can’t hurt you anymore. You’ll never have to be scared like that again. I know you want to see your mothers and fathers and siblings and pets again, to live like you used to, but it can’t be like that anymore. I gave you back your lives, since you were too young to die. Now live on. Live on as the animatronics, as every child’s happiest memories of Freddy singing happy birthday, of Bonnie and her guitar, of Chica serving pizza, and of Foxy’s Pirate Cove. Live on as Goldie, who you never saw behind the scenes. Even though that purple man took away your lives, cut them off way too soon, live on. Live on, you five. Live on… so that I don’t have to know in my heart that you’re dead.
(With that, he scuttles off back to his box. DEATHMASK climbs in, and takes the cable APHRODITE had been using to wind the music box. He then pulls it inside his own box with him and shuts the lid. Then, he pulls the string to wind it up. The music begins playing a sad and mournful tune, and he closes his eyes as silent tears fall- tears for the lost little children inside the animatronic suits hidden in the Parts and Service Room whose families would never see them again.)
(SCENE: Kids Cove. APHRODITE is walking by. He peeks in and doesn’t see MISTY anywhere. Thinking he’s not there, APHRODITE walks into the room and looks around. He doesn’t see MISTY on the ceiling until it’s too late- the view cuts to the outside of the pizzeria and the last thing we hear is a scream. So occurred the Bite of ‘87.)
END~

That escalated. T-T

Thanks. My favorite is the random tableaus in the hallway.
He would. That's just the perfect role for him. Just like Deathmask as the Puppet because he's creepy and likes to jump out at people. Plus, if you've ever heard Groundbreaking's song "No Strings", it sounds so like Deathmask.
I'm only Bonnie because one of my friends once said that Bonnie was my spirit animal and rabbits. The others were chosen for color. And then there's Toy Chica. Who barely got any time at all. Because there was nobody to be Toy Chica. T.T

XDD Oh Athena, Misty was just... I need to put him in more interviews.

Of course, the vents wouldn't survive the experience, and the prop department would have to do overtime...

Here's The Truth Will Set You Free. I, Kage, am not responsible for any crying that occurs while reading this. Be warned- this one is actually quite serious and at times very sad. *prepares for influx of crying emojis)
WILDWOOD: (a little worried) Hello and welcome to the sixth Virgo Interview. There’s only one thing I’ve been scripted to say and that’s this: You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. Look, uh, if anybody sees Kage come to this premier, then please notify the cast immediately. She mailed this to us from a hotel address that she never checked into in Greece, then vanished from Sanctuary’s radar. It’s our only clue we have as to whether or not she’s… well, I guess you deserve to know. You shall know the truth and all that. That’s our only clue as to whether or not she’s alive. So, if you see her, tell us. Please- everybody’s worried. After… what happened, we actually didn’t expect there to BE another Virgo Interview. So… uh… yeah. Enjoy the show and be on lookout for Miss Flanders. These things mean a lot to her, so I don’t really think she’d miss this unless she was… Well, just keep a good lookout. She might just surprise us. There’s no cause for concern- I’m sure she’s just fine. (unable to say more, he leaves the stage)

Prologue: ‘Til Death Do Us Part
(SCENE: A small monastery, midnight. There are a few candles lit inside the chapel. A priest is standing at the front of the church, as are two figures- VIRGO ASMITA and The DOCTOR. They are both dressed for the occasion.)
PRIEST: (reading the ceremony) And do you, Ms. Doctor of TARDIS, take Virgo Asmita to be your lawfully wedded husband?
DOCTOR: (smiles) I do.
PRIEST: Then by the power vested in me, I proclaim you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.
(They kiss)
ASMITA: (turns to The DOCTOR, smiling) You know, when I first met you I never suspected for a moment that we’d end up married.
DOCTOR: (laughs) I can say the same, Asmita. (serious) But Sanctuary cannot know about this. It could place you under suspicion- historically, your first loyalty is meant to be to Athena.
ASMITA: (sighs) I understand the need for secrecy, and not only for my status’ sake. My enemies would target you if they knew of the ties between us.
DOCTOR: (darkly) You’re not the only one with enemies. If the Daleks came after you…
ASMITA: (smiles, stroking her cheek) I’ll be fine, don’t worry. You don’t need to be scared for me. I am a Gold Saint, after all.
DOCTOR: (smiling as well) I know, I just worry about you anyway. (taking his hand) So, where do you want to go for our honeymoon?
ASMITA: I don’t know. You pick.
DOCTOR: (sighs wistfully) There are times I really wish I could take you back to Gallifrey. Unfortunately, it’s in a Time Lock, so no going there. (thinking for a moment) Well, I had a long mental list of great and romantic places I could take you, but they’ve all flown the coop. That just goes to show how horrible I am at romance. Honestly, I can blow the companions’ minds, but when it comes to you, my brain takes a vacation as my hearts go into overtime.
ASMITA: (laughing) I feel the same. Let’s just do what we always do in the TARDIS- see where it takes us. At least we’ll be together for as long as we want.
(They walk out of the church, hand in hand.)
(SCENE: The TARDIS, unknown time. Half the TARDIS is on fire. An older, paler, and more haggard-looking GIORGETTA is frantically trying to help The DOCTOR land it.)
DOCTOR: (determined, shouting) We’ve GOT to land this thing- Asmita’s in trouble! He needs our help! Come ON, you stupid, lousy, outdated mass of circuitry! Give me something to work with here!
GIORGETTA: (weakly, leaning against the console) It’s no good- I can’t give any more power!
DOCTOR: (frustrated) No, there’s GOT to be more power! It can’t do this- not now!
(More of the TARDIS catches fire. GIORGETTA gives an otherworldly scream and falls to the floor just as the ceiling caves in above the two of them. The DOCTOR hugs GIORGETTA’s lifeless form <<for she is already gone>> to her chest as the beams fall towards them. The view cuts to the outside, where the TARDIS crashes and catches fire. The view cuts back to inside after this. All that can be seen of GIORGETTA and The DOCTOR is GIORGETTA’s hand protruding from the massive pile of wreckage. It begins to glow with a familiar white light- the heart energy of the TARDIS. The light leaves GIORGETTA’s body and flies out of the TARDIS. It crosses Europe and the Atlantic Ocean in an instant, eventually flying into the window of a hospital in Ohio where a baby girl is taking her first breath of air. The light is absorbed into the child’s chest; she stops crying in that instant and opens her tiny brown eyes. The date is December 4, 1999, and KAGE, Heart of the TARDIS, has just been born.)
END PROLOGUE

(SCENE: A sunny field near Sanctuary, midday. SKY is running around like a little kid at recess. SHAKA is following more cautiously.)
SKY: (excited) Come ON, Shaka! You’re wasting the entire day!
SHAKA: (warning) You shouldn’t just run around like that. The ground isn’t really that stable out here. You might just fall into a sinkhole full of dead people left over from the Holy War.
SKY: (laughs) It’s perfectly safe! We have nothing to fear except fear itself!
(Suddenly, she falls into a sinkhole with a scream.)
SHAKA: (half-joking) Was that fear itself or a sinkhole? I couldn’t tell.
SKY: (surprised) Shaka, I think you need to get down here and take a look at this…
(SHAKA leaps down into the sinkhole and sees what SKY is so surprised about- there is a wrecked TARDIS in the sinkhole. It looks like it violently crashed there some time ago. SKY is staring at it in shock.)
SHAKA: (surprised) A crashed TARDIS, here in Sanctuary? I thought your people were extinct.
SKY: (equally surprised) I know, I thought so too. Let’s try to get inside- maybe there’ll be some clue about what happened.
(They enter the TARDIS. Everything is torn apart. There is a gigantic pile of rubble off to the side of the main console. Much of the equipment is damaged; it could certainly never fly again.)
SHAKA: (looking around in awe) What a crash! I don’t think anything could have possibly survived- equipment or Time Lords.
SKY: (already distracted) Ooh, look! A recording file with our names on it! Imma just press this button and play it!
SHAKA: (alarmed) Do you ever learn? First, you go falling into a sinkhole. Now, you want to go pressing random buttons on an old TARDIS! You could get yourself killed one day!
SKY: (covering her ears) La la la, I’m not listening! La la la la la! Shaka’s an overprotective jerkface with a mommy complex! La la la LAAA!
SHAKA: (stern) You are NOT pressing that button under any circumstances! No way!
SKY: (singsong voice) I’m gonna press it! I’m gonna press it! Neenah neenah neenah!
SHAKA: (laying down the law) If you press that button, I’m telling the Pope! I’m gonna tell on you and there’s NOTHING you can do about it!
(SKY gives him a complete poker face, and then reaches over and presses the button.)
SHAKA: (deadpan) Great job. You pressed it. Knowing our luck, it was probably the self-destruct sequence, too.
(Suddenly, a giant screen rolls down and The DOCTOR’s face appears.)
DOCTOR: (tapping the screen) Hello? Is this thing on? Good. My name is The Doctor, and I’m a Time Lord. I traveled the stars in this TARDIS which you are now standing inside, Sky and Shaka. If you’re hearing this, then something bad has happened to my husband Virgo Asmita and I. We’re probably dead and buried in a faraway era by now and you have grown up never knowing of our existence. The reason this file was made was to let you know of your heritage. You see, Asmita and I are your mother and father. Your father was a saint and your mother a Time Lord, making you children of both Sanctuary and Gallifrey. Shaka, you inherited your father’s abilities primarily, just as you, Sky, have primarily my abilities. However, you are both able to regenerate and have two hearts. I expect you already know that you are a Time Lord, Sky. The family you were placed with would have found out the first time you were brought to a checkup. Shaka, this is all likely a surprise to you, as you were raised as a saint without knowing of the Gallifreyan side of your family. I hope that when you see this, you will be standing here together, ready to know the truth. I wish I could see what kind of people you grew into, but I think I can guess from when you were children. Now, there’s the matter of your inheritances. Shaka, your father initially bequeathed you the Virgo Cloth. But, it technically wasn’t his to give. You need to attain it on your own, if you haven’t already. So, in lieu of his armor, Asmita wanted to give you this. It’s a pendant of the symbol of Virgo- so you have something to remember your birthright by. I chose to bequeath to you my sonic screwdriver. It’s gotten me out of many a tight spot. Now, Sky. Your father chose to give you his cloak. It might spark your memories of your time living with him and I. You used to put it on and play dress up. It’ll probably be a little long on you, but you’ll grow into it. I bequeath you something very important to me- my name. You may now take on the name of The Doctor. Use it well. (smiling) The things I’ve mentioned so far are in a drawer in the console. You can get them out and take them with you. However, there is one more thing. Asmita and I agreed that both of you deserve to in equal measure inherit the TARDIS. However, it can’t run without it’s Heart. The human who currently has the Heart of the TARDIS inside them will probably cross your path at some point, only when you find the Heart will you be able to travel through time. Now, good luck in all your future endeavors, my children. Asmita sends his love as well. No matter what you’ve done with your lives thus far, he and I will always be very, very proud of you two. You were our greatest joy, and it truly broke our hearts to give you up. Take care of each other. (waves) Allons-y!
(The screen retracts. SHAKA stands there in surprise. SKY suddenly leaps into his arms.)
SKY: (happy) Big brother!
SHAKA: (surprised) I have a sister… I have a family…
SKY: (hugging him) You’re the best sibling ever! I can’t wait to tell everybody that my big brother is a Gold Saint! This is so COOL!
SHAKA: (hugging her back) Yes. Yes it is. I just- wow. I’m half Time Lord and you’re my sister. This is really a lot to take in.
SKY: (pulling out their stuff from the drawer) Here’s your pendant thing and the sonic screwdriver! And my cape! Woohoo! This is the greatest! (thoughtful) I wonder who the Heart of the TARDIS is?
SHAKA: (jolted out of his thoughts) Yes, that’s something I’ve been wondering as well. Who could be hosting the Heart currently? I know that in the eighteenth century when our parents were fighting in the Holy War, Giorgetta Fleming was it’s host. Since then, nobody’s come forward with proof that they are in fact the Heart.
SKY: (having an idea) Hey, let’s ask Kage! She knows more about Sanctuary than some saints! I’m sure she could find out who in history might’ve hosted it!
SHAKA: (agreeing) Great idea. Let’s go find her… sis.
(SKY grabs his hand and they run out of the TARDIS. AS soon as they are gone, a hologram flickers to life. It is the older GIORGETTA seen in the prologue.)
GIORGETTA: (worried, frustrated) No, no no! Kage isn’t ready to know yet! Once the truth is found out, the truth that I’ve kept buried until now, SHE’ll come back! They’re not ready to fight her- it’s too soon! (shaking her head, fading away) It’s all happening too soon…
(SCENE: The Sagittarius Temple, slightly later. KAGE is casually sipping her favorite beverage- pineapple juice- as she plays Solitaire on her phone. I’m quite the multitasker.)
KAGE: (recapping) So you’re telling me that you guys are siblings and your parents were Virgo Asmita and The Doctor? Also that you need to find whatever human is hosting the Heart of the TARDIS, which you found crashed in a sinkhole? Furthermore, you think I have a clue about any of this? (silent for a moment, then laughing) Well, this proves EVERYTHING, then!
SHAKA: (caught off guard) What do you mean?
KAGE: (taking a long slurp of her pineapple juice) Well, you know that everything I put in these interviews is the strict gospel truth, right? That everything in here really happened and stuff? That I’m not making this all up in my free time? That I’m not just sitting in my bedroom, typing away and blasting the Saint Seiya OST?
SKY: (agreeing) Well, of COURSE! Can you IMAGINE if this was all just a story? I mean, it would be like the biggest, most well thought-out, insanely developed, and over-hyped crossover in the history of all fanfiction!
KAGE: (laughing) I know, right? That would make me seem like I had no life and WAAAY too much time on my hands! (serious) But I digress. The thing is, what was written in the third interview, How Not To Survive The Holy War, wasn’t all the information I found in these journals belonging to Giorgetta Fleming. That was just all I could prove. I checked it against the memoirs of Aquarius Degel, and while some things were still a little murky, most of it added up. However, the reason I ended that interview right as they were about to go traveling is the fact that after The Doctor and the others left the eighteenth century, their adventures can’t be proven to have happened. After that, there are no records of The Doctor and her companions in Sanctuary. You two are living proof that it’s all true.
SHAKA: (surprised) There was more of the journals?
KAGE: (waving him towards the bookshelf) Many more, Virgo. Take what you’d like. They’re not all written by Giorgetta Fleming. You may find some entries by your mother or Asmita. In that slightly charred one there are some VERY interesting sections by Scorpio Kardia. He’s got a dark sense of humor, but you get used to it. And Degel- it’s like reading an entire book written by Miles Edgeworth. But Gemini Aspros is HILARIOUS. I know I shouldn’t be laughing at the split personality thing, but the writing is so funny. Let me read you a part of it. (pulls out book, imitating ASPROS’ voice) I am writing in Giorgetta’s journals because she is once again incapacitated. She also says this will make a fascinating character study. Well, I’m too smart for her! I’m not giving her any #@%^ character study! She can make up whatever she wants about me because I’m evil Aspros and I’m going to hide in your closet and scare little children and kick puppies and- EVIL ME, I SWEAR TO ATHENA, GO BACK TO YOUR DARK CORNER OF MY MINDPALACE AND PUT ON THAT #%^&ING IRON MASK AND STRAIGHTJACKET RIGHT THIS INSTANT! I WANT TO SEE YOU BROUGHT LOW AND CHAINED UP IN MY BASEMENT! IN! MY! BASEMENT! WHERE I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO FEED YOU OR LOOK AT YOU OR EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EXISTENCE, EVIL ME! BECAUSE YOU DON’T EXIST! YOU! DO! NOT! EXIST! YOU ARE LESS THAN ME! YOU ARE LESS! YOU ARE JUST A MONSTER LIVING IN MY MINDBASEMENT BROUGHT ON BY NOTHING BUT PURE MENTAL ILLNESS! THAT’S RIGHT, YOU ONLY EXIST BECAUSE I’M CRAAAAAZY! YOU ARE A DISEASE! YOU ARE A CURSE! YOU ARE A FILTHY PIECE OF SCUM WHO NOBODY NEEDS EXCEPT FOR KILLING OFF SAGITTARIUSES AND PROVIDING DARK HUMOR ON KARDIA’S DAY OFF! THAT’S RIGHT, YOU TWISTED, SICK PERVERSION OF ME- YOU ARE THE UNDERSTUDY TO SCORPIO KARDIA! THE UNDERSTUDY! UN! DER! STUD! Y! YOU ARE A LOUSY PIECE OF CRAP AND I’M GOING TO BURN THIS DIARY! I AM GOING TO BURN IT AND- (closing the book) He gets really violent after that. There’s one point where he actually chucks the diary in a fire. That’s why it’s all charred. After that, they gave the book to Albafica and he wrote ten pages of utter filler. That proves if you want somebody to get productively interviewed, don’t ask a Pisces saint. Do you guys remember the Saint Patrick’s Day Interview?
SKY: (confused) What Saint Patrick’s Day Interview?
KAGE: (exasperated) Exactly! I ask Aphrodite to do a simple interview, and he immediately goes off and makes an appointment for a MANICURE! That isn’t even the worst of it- then, he has the audacity to tell me that his NAILS are more important that the interview! He claims he needs to look beautiful for “the fans”! He HAS no fans, except maybe me, but I’m more like a hater in denial when it comes to him anyway. The Scorpios are my favorites, after Sagittariuses of course. Pisces ranks after everybody else. Like, even below CAPRICORN!
SHURA: (clearly angry, storming out the door) Pudrete a infierno! Yo soy el mejor caballero del Zodiaco! Chingate!
<<Author’s Note: Shura’s above dialogue is incredibly profane and would be considered offensive if you walked into a Mexican restaurant yelling it. Even if you were in Shura cosplay because they love their Shura in Mexico, although the fan-favorite saint down there is probably Aldebaran. So don’t go yelling it in a Mexican restaurant. I put it in the script in good confidence that it won’t be repeated.>>
KAGE: (insulted) Did he just say what I think he said?
AIOLOS: (yelling after SHURA, following him) She can understand Spanish, you @$$! Te voy a matar!
SHURA: (shouting back, taunting) Ah si?
AIOLOS: (angry) Ah si!
(They run off, yelling at each other in Spanish. SHAKA and SKY turn back to KAGE.)
SHAKA: Spanish profanity aside, do you have any idea who could be hosting the Heart?
KAGE: (regretfully) None at all,Virgo. I’m very sorry that I can’t help you out more. (sighing resignedly) I’d better go break things up between Aiolos and Shura. Ever since Shura went into this “only speaking in Spanish” phase, all he’s done is tick off the poor guy. I know he’s just trying to have some friendly repartee like they did before he, y’know, turned against Aiolos, but it’s not going to happen if he keeps yelling profanities and breaking stuff.
SKY: (interested) He breaks stuff?
KAGE: (laughing) Oh, ALL the time! He’s always chucking plates at the walls and yelling in Spanish. I actually had to ask Aldebaran what some of it meant because WordReference won’t let me translate full sentences and Portuguese and Spanish are pretty similar. It’s usually just miscellaneous cursing, though. I think he’s suffering from survivor’s guilt or something. (standing up) Well, got to dash before anybody loses any limbs. Ciao, Virgos!
(She exits, and so do the Virgos.)
(SCENE: An unknown place and unknown time. A young man is lying spread-eagled in the remains of a bar. It looks like quite a fight took place there only a short time ago. Suddenly, two women enter the scene. One has dark skin and black hair in a fancy updo, and wears a long evening gown. She looks at the young man in distaste, then turns to her companion, whose face is still in darkness.)
ROSITA: (plainly disgusted) Milady, I don’t see why we need HIM. Or the other one, for that matter. They’re loose cannons.
THE MASTER: (laughing softly) Oh, Rosita. I assure you, the one we’re collecting here will cooperate easily. As for the other… I think she’ll listen after some coercing.
(Suddenly, the figure on the ground awakens to find THE MASTER and ROSITA leaning over him.)
AVERY: (spitting out blood, annoyed) #%^& off. I know who you are and I don’t want anything to do with you! Get lost!
THE MASTER: (casually) I wouldn’t be so hasty if I were you, Emery. You see, I have new intel regarding a mutual… acquaintance of ours that I think you may want to know.
AVERY: (distasteful) I assume you mean The Doctor. Well, guess what? I’m finished with this bloody Time Lord $#^%! I don’t want anything to do with you OR her! I’m done with it all!
THE MASTER: (mock reproachful) Tsk tsk tsk, Mr. Emery. Such foul language and such a vicious denunciation of our race. You really did screw up when you left Giorgetta for that hussy in Pompeii, and now you’ve got to live with the consequences.
(AVERY lashes out, grabbing THE MASTER by the throat)
AVERY: (enraged) Now listen here, you irreverent &%^$#! Giorgetta and the others abandoned ME, got that?! THEY left ME! I would have gone back with them, but they left me in a burning city with a bloodsucking rose eating away at my chest! So what if I allied with the Daleks! I was only looking out for myself! You would have done the same!
THE MASTER: (gasping for breath, calling out) Rosita! To me!
(Suddenly, with a whoosh of air and a blur of motion, AVERY is on the ground, curled up in a ball from the pain and THE MASTER is standing off to the side, rubbing her neck. ROSITA brushes herself off.)
ROSITA: (coldly) That is the treatment you will receive if you continue to speak to Milady in that manner again. I’d have thought you’d learned long ago that roses can be quite dangerous after you met Pisces Albafica.
AVERY: (gasping for breath) How… how did you do that? (to himself) Oh bloody hell, another rose-obsessed fighting idiot. Bet she’s a #@^% Pisces, too.
THE MASTER: (proud) Rosita was trained in combat by only the greatest warriors in the world. I get only the best for my companions. You could receive the same treatment if you so desire. I could give you anything you want- power, fame, a whole planet to rule, anything at all.
AVERY: (interested) Depends. Can you give me Giorgetta?
THE MASTER: (mischievous) Oh dear, does Avery miss his little girlfriend?
AVERY: (angry) I don’t want her back- I want revenge! She left me behind, just like the others did! She abandoned me, after all I did for her! You say you can give me anything I desire?! Well, I only want one thing: to destroy everything she cares about until she feels just as lost and alone as I felt! I want… I want to see Sanctuary burn!
THE MASTER: (tight-lipped) We shall see. I’m not sure if I’m quite over my sentimental attachment to Giorgetta quite yet. But nonetheless, we shall see. Come, we must return to the TARDIS. We have one more to collect.
(She climbs into her TARDIS, which currently looks like a large and elaborate black tree. ROSITA turns back to AVERY as they get in.)
ROSITA: (curt) I should warn you- the next person we’re going to collect is going to try to get inside your mind. If you have a history of nightmares, you’d better just stay in the TARDIS.
AVERY: (laughing just a little bit crazily as he stands up. It is now that we notice he has a scrappily made bionic leg, although it does little more than create a limp.) Nightmares? Ha! I’ve LIVED a nightmare. Nothing The Master is willing to parley with can scare me.
(They climb into the TARDIS and take off.)
(SCENE: What appears to be a labyrinth of broken toys. THE MASTER, ROSITA, and AVERY, are looking at a sort of bed, made out of the twisted remains of other playthings- doll’s legs, a stuffed bear’s body, and the shattered and broken pieces of a marionette. A little girl is sleeping in it, wearing a bloodied nightgown and hugging a stitched up stuffed bunny stuck full of pins.)
AVERY: (whispering to ROSITA) What the hell is this place?
ROSITA: (whispering reproachfully) This is the lair of the Nightmare Child. Now shut up and let Milady do the talking. That… thing… is difficult to control.
THE MASTER: (uneasy) Chie?
(Right on cue, the little girl wakes up)
CHIE: (smiling a little creepily) Time Lords… I haven’t had any Time Lords in a while. Did you come to play?
THE MASTER: (cold) I know what happens to people who play with you, Chie. We’re not doing that today- I need you to help me with something. Do you think you can manage that?
CHIE: (laughing) What do you want me to do? Will it be fun? Not like the last toy you brought me. That was no fun at all. They bled so easily and were so quick to scream. Where’s the fun in that?
THE MASTER: (clearly disturbed by this) Yes, much more fun.
CHIE: (looking at AVERY and ROSITA) Is it them? Can I play with them?
THE MASTER: (hasty) No, no. It’s something much more… exciting. The entirety of Sanctuary for you to… enjoy. They will all be yours. You will be able to do what you wish with them.
CHIE: (clapping her hands childishly) That sounds perfect! I knew you would give me something fun! When will you bring them here?
THE MASTER: (regaining some of her bravado) Bring them here? Oh no. You have to come with me to Sanctuary. That means leaving this prison.
CHIE: (hugging THE MASTER) I told the dark things you would come back. I told them they had to stay away because you would let me free. You were the only one who brought me nice things and took care of me. And now you’re taking me away from this place to show me new toys. So many new toys…
THE MASTER: (unnerved) We should get going, Chie. I still have one other person to collect.
CHIE: (smiles) All right. Then, we can play. Oh, the fun we’ll have together…
(They re enter the TARDIS)
(SCENE: In the office of IRVING BRAXIATEL, the brother to The DOCTOR and uncle of SKY and SHAKA. THE MASTER is arguing with him, CHIE is sticking more pins in her stuffed bunny, AVERY is drinking some of the scotch BRAXIATEL has in his office, and ROSITA is standing at attention.)
BRAXIATEL: (lazily) And just why would I help YOU? You were little more than a nuisance back on Gallifrey, what makes you think you’ve suddenly become more valuable away from home?
THE MASTER: (trying to keep her cool) Because your bloody sister’s involved! Come on, I know you’ve wanted a shot at her!
BRAXIATEL: (mildly annoyed) You’re confusing my dear sister with my not-so-dear brother, Missy. Why she started calling herself The Doctor as well is beyond me. And then she had to go crashing her TARDIS and losing her life in the process. I hardly see how this can involve her if she’s dead.
THE MASTER: (blushing scarlet to the tips of her ears) Don’t CALL me that, Brax! That name is dead and buried! And anyway, it isn’t about your sister directly. Bet you didn’t hear about this- she didn’t die without heirs.
BRAXIATEL: (shocked) You mean that she actually-!?
THE MASTER: (triumphant) She certainly did. With a Gold Saint of Athena no less. I’ve got to say, your sister is more provocative than I gave her credit for. Not only did she manage to snag a Saint, but he also happened to be the most chaste and uptight one in the bunch. Must’ve taken some real coercing for two children to come out of THAT relationship, let me tell you. But I digress. They’re currently residing in Sanctuary, and they appear to be aware of their heritage at this point. My plan is to wreak my revenge on them, since a TARDIS crash robbed me of that chance with their mother. Plus, if we allow them to live, they’ll be kicking down our doors soon enough, crying “villain”.
BRAXIATEL: (regaining his composure) Yes, I suppose you’re correct in that assumption. I think I will help you. After all, having two little versions of my sister running around will only be an annoyance.
(THE MASTER goes back to her TARDIS with ROSITA, CHIE, and AVERY following close behind. BRAXIATEL remains in his office for a moment after they leave.)
BRAXIATEL: (thoughtful) This should be interesting… the children of a Time Lord and a Saint. No matter what, I should at least meet these children. It’s really a pity these fools following Ivanna feel the need to bother them. Clearly she is just as rash as she was back on Gallifrey- attacking Sanctuary will certainly get them all killed.
(With that, he follows them away.)
(SCENE: That evening, Sanctuary. A figure slips out of the Sagittarius Temple. It is KAGE. She darts past the Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces Temples and down the path SKY and SHAKA took earlier that day. She arrives at the sinkhole and leaps in. Once there, she enters the old TARDIS.)
KAGE: (harshly) I know you’re haunting this place, Fleming! I know you’re here, so I want some answers!
(There’s only silence.)
KAGE: (angry) GIORGETTA FLEMING, I SUMMON YOU BY THE HEART OF THE TARDIS!
GIORGETTA: (appearing with a poof) So you know what you are, then.
KAGE: (moody) I should say I do. I know that I’m what you made me- a freaking mutation!
GIORGETTA: (sighs) You’re really going to do this, aren’t you? Blame me for everything? I could never have known that you would become the host, much less that you’d come back to Sanctuary! I thought you’d just live out your life far away from all this. Apparently I was wrong. You just couldn’t leave well enough alone.
KAGE: (angry) Oh, I couldn’t leave well enough alone?! Don’t play innocent- I know I saw you that day on the trampoline- I saw you manipulate the recoil from Beta’s jump so that I hit my head! Then, you planted the whole idea of these stupid interviews in my mind so I HAD to come to Sanctuary! This is your fault, not mine!
GIORGETTA: (annoyed) How DARE you speak to me in that manner!
KAGE: (shouting) I’ll dare to do whatever I #@%^ want! You’re the one who doomed me to die like you someday!
GIORGETTA: (snippy) Don’t be melodramatic- you’re mortal! You’re going to die someday anyway! If anything, I lengthened your lifespan! As for calling you back to Sanctuary, I had my reasons!
KAGE: (cold) They’d better be good reasons. Because if they aren’t, I’m going to personally take a pair of wire cutters to the hologram circuit and make sure you never bother me again.
GIORGETTA: (reluctant) Well… the thing is, I did it for Aiolos.
KAGE: (cynical) Like this interview needs another romantic side-plot without you mooning over MY saint...
GIORGETTA: (indignant) I did it because he seemed lonely, you little upstart! I’m not in love with Aiolos or anybody! For your information, I’ve had my heart broken, and I’m afraid it isn’t mendable.
KAGE: (sarcastic) Oh wow, ONE guy dumped you and you can’t move on. What are you, a walking bundle of abandonment issues or something?
GIORGETTA: (angry) Avery was the only man I’ve ever loved, you insensitive little harpy!
KAGE: (rolling her eyes) Like he was so great! How long did it take him to leave you for that Pompeiian girl? Oh right, I think I wrote it as “a split second.”
GIORGETTA: (turning away) Just because you’re angry about your newfound responsibility doesn’t mean you need to be so mean.
KAGE: (sighing) I’m sorry, that really was harsh. I’m not normally a mean person- I feel too awful after being a jerk or even being assertive really. It’s just… I’m kind of scared. What if I… y’know, die? Actually die? What will I do then? What about Sky, Scarlette, and Beta? And my family? What will they do if I-?
GIORGETTA: (sitting down next to her) There, there. You’re not going to die. The Heart of The TARDIS can choose when they want to give their life up. You won’t just keel over. And it isn’t likely to be soon, either. There’s no imminent danger, you’ll be alright. I felt scared when I discovered my power, too. Thank Athena for Scorpio Kardia…
KAGE: (smiling slightly) Yeah, he did help you out, didn’t he?
GIORGETTA: (laughs softly) More than you can ever know. He was like the older brother I never had.
KAGE: (shyly) So… about me being the Heart. Should I tell the others or…?
GIORGETTA: (shaking her head) No, wait a bit. They’ll only worry if they find out now. Besides, you’ll have plenty of other times to explain it.
KAGE: (laughing shakily) Right. It’s not like I’m gonna die tomorrow or anything. I’ve got plenty of time. Well, I should get back to the Sagittarius Temple before Aiolos comes looking. He’s got one rule while I’m staying with him and it’s “don’t wander off at night.” He’s a little paranoid, but I don’t mind so much, since he can cook and he’s a nice guy.
GIORGETTA: (smiles) Sisyphus could cook. Man, it’s the little things that remind me of him. He was like Reginald back home, but kinder and with big, cumbersome golden wings. Oh, all those times when he’d turn around too fast and take out a wall… (laughs) Thank you for coming here, even if it was initially to chew me out. I appreciate the company.
KAGE: (getting up to leave) It was an honor commiserating with you, ma’am. I learned a lot from your diaries and I must say I’m a big fan. (smiles) Good night. Thank you for listening.
GIORGETTA: (waving goodbye as she dematerializes) No problem, Kage. Come again sometime- I can help you learn the ropes of being the Heart. Until then, good night.
(KAGE leaves the TARDIS and goes back to the Sagittarius Temple.)
(SCENE: A field, daytime. The TARDIS is standing there, un-wrecked. ASMITA and The DOCTOR are there as well, watching an infant SKY and a child SHAKA play together.)
DOCTOR: (resignedly) I’ll take Cali to the United States. Hades’ reach doesn’t extend there, and it’s a big country- my enemies won’t find her either. You take Shaka wherever you think he’ll be safe.
ASMITA: (stoking the side of her face) I know you don’t want to give them up. I don’t either. But it’s for their own safety. At least now they’ll be out of danger.
DOCTOR: (tearful) But they’re inseparable now. How can I take Sky to America knowing that Shaka will be on the other side of the world? It’ll break their hearts!
ASMITA: (sadly) That’s just what we’ll have to live with. Come, now. We should get going before we’re missed back in Sanctuary. Let’s get this over with.
(SHAKA and SKY are playing hide and seek. SKY is crouching behind a bush, giggling. The DOCTOR scoops her up and starts carrying her towards the TARDIS. SHAKA has his back to them; he’s still counting with his eyes closed.)
SKY: (confused) Mommy, where are we going?
DOCTOR: (falsely cheerful) We’re going on an adventure, Cali.
SKY: (innocent) Is Shaka coming?
DOCTOR: (voice breaking a little) N-no. Your big brother is going on a special adventure with Daddy, just like you’re going on a special adventure with me. Y-you’re… you’re going to have a lot of fun. It’s going to be just like when we went to the Moon, except just you and me. Just you and Mommy. Okay?
(SKY giggles some more, not getting the meaning behind all this. They climb into the TARDIS and shut the doors. Meanwhile, SHAKA finishes counting.)
YOUNG SHAKA: (turning around) Twenty-niiiiiiine…. Thirty! Ready or not, here I come!
(He begins searching for SKY, but can’t find her in any of the usual places. Suddenly, he sees ASMITA standing at the top of the hill and runs over to him.)
YOUNG SHAKA: (questioning) Dad, I can’t find Sky! She’s not anywhere!
ASMITA: (soberly) You won’t be seeing your sister for a while, Shaka.
YOUNG SHAKA: (shocked, unhappy) What does that mean?! Where’s Sky?!
ASMITA: (points to the TARDIS) Your mother is taking her to the West. Therefore, we must go East. We will take the TARDIS Mark II to India.
YOUNG SHAKA: (pushing past him and running towards the TARDIS) Mom, wait! I want to go with you! Let me in the TARDIS! Mom!
(He reaches the doors of the TARDIS and pulls at them, but they’re locked.)
YOUNG SHAKA: (panicking) Let me in! I want to go with Sky!
(The TARDIS begins to dematerialize, as SHAKA continues to bang on the door frantically)
YOUNG SHAKA: (crying) Mom, please! Please let me come with you- don’t leave me alone!
(The TARDIS dematerializes completely, and SHAKA cries out in despair.)
ASMITA: (grabbing his arm, harshly) There’s nothing you can do. We’re going to India. Come along and stop crying like an infant. If you’re going to train as a saint, you’d better learn to control those tears. Do not waste them on Sky.
YOUNG SHAKA: (struggling in his grip) I don’t WANT to be the Virgo Saint! Let me go! I want to see my sister!
ASMITA: (angry) How DARE you show me this kind of disrespect!
(He slaps SHAKA across the face. SHAKA breaks free of his grip and tries to run away, but ASMITA grabs him again.)
YOUNG SHAKA: (despairing, crying out) SKYAAAAAA!!!!
(Suddenly, the older SHAKA wakes up, still screaming.)
SHAKA: (angry, scared) SKYAAAAAA!!!!!!
(His eyes are wide open at this point, and the wall starts to look dangerously close to catching fire. Right then, SKY walks in, eating what looks like an ice cream sandwich.)
SKY: (around a mouthful of ice cream) There’s no need to yell, y’know. I’m right here.
SHAKA: (sighing with relief) Oh, thank Athena. It was just a dream.
SKY: (nomming ice cream) What were you dreaming about? Daleks? Tiny spoon-wielding martians looking to form a new society in your sock drawer? Getting your face murdered?
SHAKA: (calming down) No, it was nothing like that. I was just dreaming of when we were kids together. We got separated somehow, and I was distraught.
SKY: (cheerful) Well, I dreamed about cake! Oh, and by the way, the wall’s on fire.
(SHAKA looks at the wall in alarm and closes his eyes.)
SHAKA: You wouldn’t happen to have any more of that ice cream, would you? I think I could use some ice cream right now.
KAGE: (strolling by, holding an ice cream ball under her arm) Welp, we ran outta sandwiches, but we’ve got this homemade goodness that we’ve been creating out in your garden!
SHAKA: (confused) What… IS that?
KAGE: (laughing) And ice cream ball! You put the ingredients in, roll it about on the floor awhile, and it makes ice cream! Exercise and dessert in one fell swoop! The guys who invented this are GENIUSES!
BETA: (poking her head in) Hey Kage, are we going to make more or not? Because I ate all the last batch with gummy bears on top!
SKY: (annoyed) You’d better make more, girlie, or I’m gonna MURDER YOUR FACE!
KAGE: (moaning) Noooooo! Not my FACE!
BETA: (cheerful) You don’t need a face to be the perfect armrest… short person!
(KAGE cries out in despair as BETA and SKY both use her as an armrest.)
APHRODITE: (walking in, wrapped in a towel) I heard screaming and assumed Kage was undergoing more facial manslaughter. Shaka, I used all your shampoo, volumizer, bodywash, conditioner, and possibly all of the hot water. Oh, and the hairspray, I used some of that. And I think I might have killed your blow dryer. Just send me a little IOU, yes?
KAGE: (disgusted) Please tell me you’re not going commando under there…
BETA: (averting her eyes) Put a SHIRT on, wussy boy!
APHRODITE: (huffily) You’re just jealous of my finely chiseled-
KAGE: (completely weirded out) Aphrodite, none of us are attracted to you. Now for Athena’s sake, don’t finish that sentence. I assume she’d be just as turned off by it as we are.
APHRODITE: (haughty) Fine then. Be that way. It’s all right, I don’t care for girls. And if I did, it wouldn’t be one who clearly does not know the meaning of the word “diet” such as you, Miss Shadow. Oh, and Beta, hold my cape, will you?
(BETA responds to being used as a cape rack by leaping at APHRODITE and proceeding to beat his sorry @$$ with his own cape.)
KAGE: (kicking him while he’s down) Oh, and by the way, I’m NOT fat. I’m just realistically proportioned is all. Don’t knock my appearance, pretty boy. At least my gender isn’t contested by all and sundry.
SKY: (cheerful, to SKITTLE) Oh, BURN!
(She fist bumps with SKITTLE which is naturally amazing. As if this couldn’t get any more fun to write, CAMUS enters, holding a cat in a blanket.)
CAMUS: (carrying GARFIELD) Does this BELONG to any of you?
SKY: (excited) Garfield!
CAMUS: (sighs) I should've guessed. I should've know that finding a cat all wrapped up in my cape would invariably tie back to you somehow. How could I have forgotten the pregnant-cat-in-the-airport incident?!
KAGE: (shocked) How many cats do you HAVE?!
SKY: (shrugs) Some days, I'm not too sure...
(They all exit)
(SCENE: Outside Sanctuary, still night. THE MASTER's TARDIS has suddenly materialized, and its occupants are silently preparing to attack. ROSITA, dressed for battle rather than in her customary evening gown, is sharpening a pair of wickedly curved knives. AVERY is making some last-minute repairs to his sonic screwdriver. CHIE has no weapons; she's rocking back and forth on the soles of her feet and singing a nonsensical song to her mutilated stuffed bunny. Meanwhile, THE MASTER is loading her pistol.)
CHIE: (singing softly to her rabbit) Go to sleep, go to bed.
Before you wake, you'll all be dead.
Lay yourself down, rest your head.
Everything is turning red.
Close your eyes, don't make a peep.
They're all resting six feet deep.
The number four will drop to three
Another daylight she'll not see
Roses of red, forget-me-nots blue
This is now the end for you
Go to sleep, go to bed
When the heart awakes, we'll all be dead...
AVERY:(pissed off) Do you MIND?!
CHIE: (darkly) Dead men aren't supposed to speak, Emery.
(With that, she goes back to playing with her bunny, The others go off silently to attack, but she continues to sit there and talk to the stuffed bunny.)
CHIE: (emotionless) She’s doomed, you know. She’s going to die in this battle. She just doesn’t know it yet…
(With that, she follows the others.)
(SCENE: The Sagittarius Temple, still night. KAGE is asleep at her computer as usual. Her chest is giving off a soft white glow as she slumbers, not knowing what is in store tomorrow…)
END PART 1

WILDWOOD: (still anxious) Ummm… Hi again. Nobody’s seen Kage yet, but don’t worry, we’ll keep looking. She’s bound to show up. I mean, she has to. It’s her story, she wouldn’t just leave us, would she?
(With that, he exits the stage.)
(SCENE: Sanctuary, still night. CHIE steals into the center of the area and raises her arms above her head. Purplish smoke flows from them; this is what makes CHIE such a devastating enemy. It is her ability to send anyone into a deep dream state, inducing horrible nightmares which cripple her opponents. Today's unlucky subjects are the interviewers and saints of Sanctuary. CHIE laughs coldly- everyone is now incapacitated.)
(SCENE: The Cancer Temple, same time. DEATHMASK is lying on the floor, eyes closed. Suddenly, his eyes snap open as the door of his temple creaks as it swings on its hinges.)
DEATHMASK: (smirking) Whoever you are, you just tried to knock off the wrong saint...
CHIE: (giggling crazily) A man whose mind is already so warped and poisoned that he’s immune to my nightmares? Oh, this will be fun. I think I’m going to enjoy playing with you.
DEATHMASK: (smirk turning into a sadistic grin) You won’t say that when we’re finished, I know that. When people who love to battle go up against me, you could say they fast lose their taste for it.
(SCENE: In the nightmare landscape belonging to CHIE. The saints and interviewers are all occupied battling their various fears and losing badly. Suddenly, all their fears vanish with a poof, and DEATHMASK can be seen standing in their midst.)
DEATHMASK: (laughing crazily) You don’t have to worry about all this stuff- focus your energy on the real problem! I’ll take care of the nightmares. Now wake up!
(Suddenly, they all awaken in their respective temples, except for APHRODITE and BETA, who awaken outside the Cancer Temple.)
APHRODITE: (confused) Why are we here?
(Suddenly, DEATHMASK’s voice can be heard from inside.)
DEATHMASK: (laughing) Hey Aphrodite, lock the doors and throw away the key, will you? I don’t want this new amusement running away when she finds what the real nightmare is here.
APHRODITE: (smiling sadistically as he locks the doors of the Cancer Temple) As you say. Give her what she deserves for thinking she can attack Sanctuary. (turning to BETA, quietly) We should get out of here before they begin fighting.
BETA: (shocked) You’re the one who’s letting them do it! He told you to lock him in there with that menace and let them rip each other apart and you did! Letting your own closest friend do that… you ARE corrupt!
APHRODITE: (reprimanding) You don’t know Angelo like I do- it’s the safest way! If they weren’t locked in there, they might destroy all of us with them! You saw what that young girl could do, and so did he. That made him want to fight her, and that’s what he’ll do, regardless who gets in his way. If I were to leap between them right now, he’d not hesitate to kill me as well. You see, Angelo has no humanity. He thinks only of fighting, only of the glory in defeating his opponents. You’re not a saint, it’s rather impossible for you to understand. All I can do is warn you, or at least reiterate the warning Kage probably gave you a long time ago. I’m not one of the good saints, Beta. I’m like Deathmask and Saga’s evil side- I care only for fighting and victory. Your best bet would be to go to the Leo Temple or one of the others; the temple of a saint who has morals and standards, a saint who can protect you. I’ll be fine, just go.
(BETA surprises him by smiling, and grabbing hold of his shoulder as he turns away.)
BETA: (kind) I disagree. You do have honor, you just forget that sometimes. And I’m 90% sure you care more about your hair than actually fighting. It’s true you can be kind of a girly wuss at times, but I think under all that you’re a honorable saint. So I will stay with you through this threat to Sanctuary, because I know you can protect me better than anybody. Will you let me do that?
APHRODITE: (shocked) You really don’t hate me?
BETA: (laughing) Of course not, you narcissistic idiot! Now let’s go defend Sanctuary- together.
APHRODITE: (smiling slightly) Well, I did sense an interesting presence near our temple… shall we go and see if fate has given us the perfect opponent to battle against?
BETA: (excited) Sounds like a plan!
(They dash off.)
(SCENE: In the Virgo Temple. SKY is holding her cape and the keys to the TARDIS, while SHAKA is testing out the screwdriver.)
SKY: (annoyed) How DARE The Master attack Sanctuary like this! We’ve got to take Mom’s TARDIS and stop her!
SHAKA: (looking out the window) If nobody else gets there first…
SKY: (confused) Huh? What do you mean?
SHAKA: (thoughtful) I sense two other people are heading towards the TARDIS. One is a stranger to me, but the other… she’s blocking me with some kind of energy. I can’t figure out what it is…
SKY: (dashing towards the door) Whoever they are, we can’t let them take the TARDIS! Come on!
(They run out the door, but are met by BRAXIATEL.)
BRAXIATEL: (smiling slightly) Hello, dear children.
SHAKA: (leaping in front of SKY) Who are you?!
BRAXIATEL: (still smiling) Your uncle.
SHAKA: (relaxing slightly) Are you with her?
BRAXIATEL: (shaking his head) I came here for one reason- to see if the rumors were true. Apparently my sister did bear children.
SKY: (excited) Then you can help us fight her!
BRAXIATEL: (turning away) Regrettable, dear Sky, I cannot linger here. I have my own affairs to attend to, and Missy and I bear each other no ill will. Why would I alienate her when I have no reason to?
SKY: (shocked) You’re just going to LEAVE us?!
BRAXIATEL: (walking away) Au revoir, my dear niece and nephew. Perhaps we will meet again.
SKY: (running after him) Wait- we don’t even know your name!
BRAXIATEL: (turning back for a moment) Braxiatel, Irving Braxiatel. Call me sometime if you require aid in any way.
(With that, he is gone. SKY and SHAKA run off in the direction of the crashed TARDIS.)
(SCENE: In BRAXIATEL’s TARDIS. As he flies, BRAX ponders his meeting with his niece and nephew.)
BRAXIATEL: (thoughtful) They look so like her… although the boy does have a distressing resemblance to his father. I wonder, will he share Asmita’s grudge against me? The events that took place in Pompeii left no love between us. I can only hope Shaka is mature enough to see past that. What I did was unforgivable, but it may have been the only way…
(With that, the TARDIS dematerializes)
(SCENE: The Capricorn Temple. AIOLOS comes running up)
AIOLOS: (yelling) SHURAAAAAA!!!
SHURA: (stepping out of the temple) Que?
AIOLOS: (breathless, worried) Have you seen Kage? She’s disappeared and I think she may be about to do something dangerous! Please, help me! I don’t know what she’s planning and I need to stop her before she- (he closes his eyes and slumps over on a rock, moaning in despair)
SHURA: (laying a hand on his shoulder) I’m sure she’s going to be fine. We’ll be able to find her and make sure she doesn’t do anything drastic.
AIOLOS: (surprised) You DO speak Greek!
<<Author’s Note: Theoretically, since Sanctuary is in Greece, the Gold Saints would be speaking Greek to each other. However, I believe they probably would know enough English to conduct the interviews with the girls, and have their personal conversations in Greek or in Shura’s case much of the time, Spanish. I’ve only switched him to Greek here because I have no idea how to say “drastic” in Spanish. -_->>
SHURA: (shrugs) Well, not very WELL…
AIOLOS: (laughs in spite of himself) And here I was trying to learn Spanish for the last few months because I wanted to have a conversation with you!
SHURA: (surprised) Really? I thought you were learning it to help Kage study!
AIOLOS: (sighs) Kage… I really do hope she’s just gone off to find a quiet spot to write or draw what’s going on. If she were planning to do something rash…
SHURA: (standing up) Then we’ll find her before she does. I can tell that your interviewer truly means a lot to you, so I’ll help you in protecting her.
AIOLOS: (standing as well) Thank you. Come on, we’d better hurry. I have a bad feeling about this…
(SCENE: The Pisces Temple, short time later. ROSITA is wandering in, looking for a fight.)
ROSITA: (annoyed) There’s nobody here! What a waste of my time! Find the Pisces Saint and kill him- Milady should have ordered that fool Emery to do such a task! I am far more capable than he, I should be trusted to steal the TARDIS! My talents are wasted on this foolish errand!
APHRODITE: (haughty, smiling condescendingly) Hopeless, feckless, graceless, worthless, useless, and pointless.
ROSITA: (annoyed) What is this?!
APHRODITE: (confident) I was simply reading what will certainly be your epitaph- that your efforts to defeat me were in vain, haphazard, without panache or style, of no meaning, unhelpful and most of all, doomed to fail. You believe that the errand of dispatching me is below you? These are the sentiments I feel about having to battle with one such as you.
ROSITA: (coldly) You ignorant narcissist! You’ve let your guard down already. (pulls a struggling BETA from the shadows and holds a knife to her throat) Now submit or the girl gets it!
APHRODITE: (scared) Beta!
BETA: (struggling) Don’t listen to her, Aphrodite! Don’t submit, be brave!
ROSITA: (bringing the knife closer to BETA’s throat) You wouldn’t want your little interviewer to die, would you? Isn’t that what you’ve feared since she came here? That she’ll die and her blood will be on your hands? You’re just a coward hiding behind the borrowed confidence she gives you! Without this girl, you are nothing! Nobody will waste their time on you if she dies, and they’ll blame you for it! If you do not submit to me, you will have murdered this innocent girl.
APHRODITE: (brandishing a white rose) Beta, do you trust me?
BETA: (brave) Yes!
APHRODITE: (throwing the rose) Then trust this rose to hit it’s mark!
(ROSITA takes the hit to her shoulder. She yells out in pain which causes her to let go of BETA and the knife. BETA runs to APHRODITE’s side)
ROSITA: (angry) I-impossible! How can a simple rose be a weapon and cause such pain?!
BETA: (informative) Because that’s no ordinary rose. It’s a Bloody White Rose, and you’re lucky he didn’t have a clear shot because it’s normally fatal. If it had been thrown at your heart, you’d be dead by now.
APHRODITE: (surprised and pleased) You’ve been learning about my techniques?
BETA: (sighs) Kage’s been forcing knowledge about you down my throat for ages. I can’t help it if some accidentally stuck.
APHRODITE: (laughing softly) I should have known it was her fault. Normally you’d just call me a wuss for using a flower as a weapon.
BETA: (smiles) Well, those girly flowers of yours did save my life, after all.
(Suddenly, ROSITA starts laughing horribly as she stands on unsteady legs.)
ROSITA: (smiling darkly) Did you really think you could be rid of me that easily?
APHRODITE: (shocked) Do you actually WANT to die?
ROSITA: (reverent, half crazed) Milady gave me to the greatest warriors in the galaxies to train, but it wasn’t enough. Try as I might, I was still only a mortal. That was when she turned to other methods- more powerful and dangerous things. She made me into something far greater than a mere human-
BETA: (yawning) Bo-ring. What did she make you into, The Great Cliched Backstory Monster From The Dawn of Time?
APHRODITE: (jaded) Indeed, my dear interviewer. If I had a euro for every person I’ve fought that said they were some kind of horrible being from Athena knows where, I’d be rich! What makes you think I care if you’re some kind of magical thing that can supposedly destroy anything? I fight magical beings on the weekends for fun just because I can! Furthermore, I do it all with nothing but some funny looking armor and poisoned roses! If you think you can get me all scared because you’re some kind of demon lady or whatever, you’re obviously mistaken! It takes quite a lot to surprise me, missy! I’ve worked in a children’s pizzeria full of killer posessed animatronics, fought with titans, offed Bronze Saints, done battle with what would become this century’s incarnation of Hades, conducted interviews, and somehow managed to be ridiculously good looking in the process! So BRING IT ON because I’m Pisces Aphrodite and if anybody in these Athenaforsaken interviews has seen everything, it’s me!
BETA: (confused) I’m not entirely sure I want to ask about the “offing Bronze Saints” bit…
ROSITA: (grimacing in pain) It’s coming, I can feel it! I am becoming the great warrior milady has made me! I am the ultimate being!
APHRODITE: (indignant) The writers are definitely insulting me! What is this, Dragon Ball Z? (in an annoying voice) Vegeta, what are his power levels! (switching to an even more annoying voice) Oh noooooo, it’s over 9,000! I’ll have to unleash my super OP ultimate secret technique that has never been seen before and is really amazing and can beat anything and is totally different than every other technique in this foolish anime! (smiling cordially) So take your “ultimate being nonsense elsewhere, because I will have none of it.
BETA: (cheering) Go get her, you girly wuss!
APHRODITE: (annoyed) I have a name and it’s Aphrodite! So stop addressing me as “girly wuss”!
BETA: (laughs) But you're funny when you're angry!
APHRODITE: (loftily) And you are a very insulting young woman. Don’t worry, I’ll prove that you can respect me with the outcome of this battle. Watch closely- you might learn something.
(ROSITA gives an unearthly scream and there is a brilliant flash of red light. She becomes a demon-like creature with large bat-like wings and red skin. BETA looks at her in surprise)
BETA: (shocked) She just became a DEMON! What kind of interview IS this?!
APHRODITE: (sighing theatrically) Cliched. This is just sad, really. You’d think after all this you’d at least TRY to impress me.
(ROSITA gives another unearthly shriek and dives at him. APHRODITE throws another white rose, catching her other shoulder. The two of them continue to grapple)
(SCENE: Outside the TARDIS. AVERY is holding a detonator in his hands. KAGE is standing in front of him, and she looks nothing like a hero. She's of average height, her hair is messy, her eyes are filled with uncertainty, and she is unarmed. Her voice is quiet and unassuming, barely there. She is shy and bedraggled and scared, but she still stands waiting.)
KAGE: (quiet, with conviction) Do you really think you could get away with this? That you could destroy what we've built here in Sanctuary? All I ever wanted for these accursed interviews was to have something in common with the people who I wanted nothing more than to be like. My four best friends- Scarlette, Sky, Beta, Asphoxia- all I wanted was to be artistic, funny, compassionate, smart, devoted, caring, and honest like they were. But something about me was always destined to be broken. It was irreparably mangled from the beginning. I wasn't like them- I would never be a shining example of a good person. I'd just draw mediocre pictures and try to have a good heart like they did. But I couldn't- I was too focused on myself. I leaned on them when it suited me, yet was too blind to see when they needed help. All I ever did was write silly stories that never made the world any better. But I can at least do one last thing for the people who I care about and hurt so much with my sadness- I can give my life to stop you. (Raising her voice) For you see, what I thought of myself was wrong! I do have a good heart! Though I may stray from that path, I will always find my way home to the people who care about me! Even when I walk alone, I know that their thoughts are with me! I will be the one who they will remember and carry with them even though my path ends here! Every time they face adversity and defeat, I will be there with them, guiding them! I will not let you hurt anyone in this Sanctuary, be they saint or interviewer, for I am The Heart of the TARDIS!
(There is a brilliant flash of white light stemming from her chest and then nothing.)
(SCENE: Two days later. BETA, SKY, and SCARLETTE are standing in a field in Sanctuary, looking at the now perfectly repaired TARDIS)
SCARLETTE: (sadly) We've known each other since preschool and yet she didn't even say goodbye.
BETA: (looking at the TARDIS) I never want to travel in that hellish thing.
SKY: (questioning) Why not? Don't you guys want to be my companions?
BETA: (vehement) Because she died fixing it.
(BETA walks away, turning back and calling to SCARLETTE.)
BETA: (calling) Hey, Scarlette! I think I still have some of her old drawings. They want to display some at the funeral, and since you're a mangaka like her, I thought maybe you could have some input in which ones. She's... She was very particular about which drawings she would display anywhere.
SCARLETTE: (getting up to follow) Okay. I'd have to agree, Kage always had such strong opinions about her art. And about anything, really. You should have heard her reviews of anime.
(They leave, and SKY is left staring at the TARDIS, face expressionless since as a rule, she doesn't cry. Suddenly, she gives a shout of anger.)
SKY: (pounding a fist on the side of the TARDIS) #@%^ it, Kage! Why did you do that?! Why did you have to play the hero?! This isn't one of your anime, do you understand?! It's not like a story! When people die in real life, they don't come back via the power of friendship or whatever! Because if they did, you'd never have died in the first place! Why did you do it?! Why couldn't you have just left the fighting to the saints?! You're not a warrior or a hero! You're just a girl, just a normal girl who didn't have to die! Why did you choose this ending?! I don't understand!
GIORGETTA: (sad) Because it was her destiny.
SKY: (shocked) What?!
GIORGETTA: (resigned, but scolding) Kage was the incarnation of the Heart of the TARDIS in this century. She had the full power of Gallifreyan technology in her hands- it was her fate to use it against evil and protect the Time Lords she served- you and Virgo Shaka. So in order to save you and Sanctuary, she gave up her life. Your servant acquitted herself admirably.
SKY: (frustrated) She wasn't my servant! Kage was my friend! How can you say that it was fate that she has to die?! She DIDN'T have to die! She was only fifteen for heaven's sake! In a few months, she could begin working towards a driver's license! She had ambitions and dreams, and your stupid idea of fate ended her life before she could achieve them!
GIORGETTA: (loftily) It wasn't my fault, it was fate. You can't change her fate. Kage knew of her destiny and she accepted it. In saving Sanctuary, she not only repaired the TARDIS, but resurrected me as well. There needed to be a Heart and she felt that I was the best candidate. She chose to accept that, you should show similar maturity.
SKY: (angry) No, I won't accept that! If you think you can replace her, you're wrong! I'm sure she trusted you and here you are, saying she was "destined to die" and all that crap! How would she feel if she heard you saying these horrible things?! If you're so great, then you should've saved her!
GIORGETTA: (cold) I think I've heard enough from you. Return to your Virgo Temple and take up this argument with somebody who cares.
(SKY gives her a dirty look and leaves. GIORGETTA takes a look at the TARDIS sadly.)
GIORGETTA: (frustrated) You chose to die so that your friends could be safe, yet all it's caused is unhappiness and tragedy! Why do you walk this path of it will only cause those you love pain?!
(Suddenly, she hears a voice from the other side of the TARDIS.)
AIOLOS: (looking up at the sky) I still can't believe you're gone, Kage. You were so young, and you had everything ahead of you. Is it the fate of our sign to die young and tragically? You gave your life to save us, and you acquitted yourself like a saint, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss you. I wish that you hadn't needed to die, and that there was something I could have done to save you. I guess I always knew from the beginning that we'd have to part in some way, but I didn't want it to be as horrible as this.
GIORGETTA: (closing her eyes, summoning Heart energy) So many people miss her... therefore it is my destiny to bring her back.
(A brilliant corona of light forms around GIORGETTA, pulsating and expanding. Slowly but surely, another form appears in the light as well. It is KAGE.)
KAGE: (smiling) Don't give me all of your Heart energy. Let's each take half, shall we? Then we can share this destiny.
GIORGETTA: (surprised) But wait! What are you doing?!
KAGE: (giving a saucy grin) Nobody should have to be alone. You did this to help my friends. I want to do something for you. Now step into the TARDIS. You might see some old acquaintances.
(With that, the light dissipates and GIORGETTA is left standing in front of the TARDIS next to KAGE.)
KAGE: (airily) Well, time to go gatecrash my own funeral. If they're not playing Tsubasa Wo Kudasai or Summer Funeral Song, then they need to be scolded. Also, if there isn't a party with cheesecake afterwards, then they're doing something wrong. I need to make sure my funeral is worthy of me and organize a twenty one potato gun salute if they don't yet have one lined up. Oh, and when I burst in and yell "Hold the funeral, your honor!", I want there to be dramatic music. Adios, amiga!
(She saunters off, humming some Vocaloid song)
GIORGETTA: (watching her go) I can't help but wonder if she's insane…
(Suddenly, a familiar voice sounds from behind her.)
DOCTOR: (shouting) Yes! Finally, I come back from the dead and I’m still ginger! It’s about time!
GIORGETTA: (shocked) Doctor!
KIMBERLEY: (stepping out of the TARDIS) I was enjoying a drink with my fallen comrades from the war, and then I wake up here to Asmita’s lecturing voice! Do you call that a reward for my long and illustrious life?! Because I bloody don’t!
ANNABELLE: (frazzled) TELL me about it. Getting raised from the dead is NOT fun. I was performing in a bar with John Lennon, Ringo Starr, and George Harrison when you just HAD to drag me back with your darn magic powers! I mean, three quarters of the Beatles! How can you honestly say what you have planned for me is more important than THREE QUARTERS OF THE BEATLES?!
KIMBERLEY: (sardonic) With your singing voice? Not likely!
ANNABELLE: (loftily) My musical skill was the toast of heaven, I’ll have you know!
MANIGOLDO: (poking his head out of the TARDIS) Did somebody say “toast”?
ALBAFICA: (moaning) I’m alive, my blood is poisonous again, Annabelle and Kimberley have a rivalry all of a sudden, and the accursed toast gag has been revived. This must be hell.
ASMITA: (scolding) Giorgetta, you shouldn’t be resurrecting people from the dead. It disrupts the natural order and balance of the universe, and can even cause time paradoxes. Therefore, I must meditate and attune my cosmos to the universe so that it will return to it’s natural state without descending into illogicality.
ASPROS: (interested) But isn’t illogicality a good thing? It’s logic you really need to worry about. If things get logical, then that’s when you should panic.
ASMITA: (lecturing) Aspros, illogicality is a very, very bad thing. Basically, the fabric of the universe would tear itself apart and destruction would rain down on all our heads! Logic is a very good thing. It’s the natural order of the universe, behaving in a sane and calm manner. Illogicality is the exact opposite, when the universe is disorderly and chaotic. You have a serious mental illness, I wouldn’t expect you to understand these things.
ASPROS: (rebellious) I’m not mentally ill, I just have another version of myself who happens to be a power hungry psychopath! Is that really so crazy? Illogicality still sounds better in my book. I suppose naturally my DEAR brother would be all for logic and all that...
DEFTEROS: (correcting him) No, no, no. I only side against you if you’re not already siding against Asmita. Then, I’ll gladly back your opinion because you’re usually right.
KIMBERLEY: (sighs) I see thousands of years in eternal reward hasn’t changed your little sibling rivalry.
SISYPHUS: (struggling to get his wings unstuck from the TARDIS doorway) Not THIS foolishness again! I thought this bad gag was over!
DEGEL: (looking up from his book) You’d think you’d learn to walk through doors sideways…
KARDIA: (bursting in) I’m back, this interview isn’t boring anymore!
(REGULUS and EL CID enter stage left.)
REGULUS: (looking around) What happened here? It looks like a huge battle took place!
EL CID: (interested) Si, y… (shocked) Que es eso?!
SISYPHUS: (sympathetic) Sorry, old friend, apparently the writer has this thing where all the Capricorn Saints’ dialogue must be written in Spanish.
SHION: (entering stage right, followed by HASGARD) And why is that?
HASGARD: (to himself) So this is the fabled Virgo Interview…
<< Transcriber’s Note: Hasgard’s name is written as Aldebaran in the Lost Canvas, and many people believe this is actually his name. It is in fact a title earned by powerful Taurus gold saints. So we may assume that Taurus Aldebaran of the current era is known by another name, but that name has never been disclosed. I have named his Lost Canvas counterpart here as Hasgard to avoid confusing the two.>>
ASPROS: (suggesting) Comedic purposes and a valid excuse to learn curse words in other languages?
SHION: (shrugs) Who knows with this writer. It could be to prove she actually learned something in Spanish II.
(The Gold Saints and interviewers of the Holy War continue to debate this matter as the scene changes)
(SCENE: A church decorated for a funeral. Everyone is in attendance. The coffin is open and KAGE is lying in there playing dead and covered with kittens. <<That’s an old inside joke.>> SKITTLE is sitting on top of her and making it hard to breathe. All the saints and interviewers are wearing black. MISTY is there too, and he apparently decided to wear purple lipstick instead of his usual pink for the somber occasion. He is bored and is checking his hair in a small compact mirror. APHRODITE is scolding him for this, while BETA looks sad. SKY is sitting still, face expressionless. She is in denial. SHAKA is trying his best to put on a brave face for his little sister, but he, like the others, is shocked that an interviewer has died. AIOLOS is standing off to the side, barely visible. Normally, he looks almost solid enough to be alive, but now even calling him a ghost would be a stretch. SAGA and SCARLETTE are sitting together; SCARLETTE looks like she’s going to cry. In short, it is a somber occasion. When the service ends, everyone goes up to pay their respects.)
WILDWOOD: (stepping up to the coffin) Goodbye, Miss Shadow. You were a credit to Sanctuary and to this interview. Your writing skill was second to none and you were superb at coming up with odd and mind-boggling nonsequiturs to pass off as comedy. The geek community lost a great member in you. I have no doubt that you will live on in the memories of the world as “the girl who was really, REALLY obsessed with Saint Seiya and lived her life to the fullest”. That being said, I salute you in the only way I can. (begins singing Karma Chameleon)
MILO: (groaning loudly) Make it STOP!
CAMUS: (shouting from the back of the line) This is a FUNERAL, Wildwood! Have some respect for the dead!
WILDWOOD: (annoyed) Well, excuse me for trying to celebrate her life! Very well then, since these PHILISTINES have decided to cut my outpouring of my feelings short, I will end my speech here. Adieu, sweet Kage, adieu.
(Next, SKY steps up.)
SKY: (poking the coffin) You can wake up now, Kage. The Master’s gone. You can wake up.
SHAKA: (gently) Sky, Kage’s not with us anymore. She’s in a better place.
SKY: (shaking her head stubbornly) No, she’s alive! (shaking the body) Kage, wake up. Wake up, Kage. Ka-ge. Kage, wakey wakey. (crying) KAGEEEEEEE!!! WAAAAAAKE UUUUUP!!!
SHAKA: (picking up SKY and slinging her over his shoulder) I think it’s time to go back to the Virgo Temple…
SKY: (screaming) No, I don’t WANNA go! I wanna see Kage!
(She slides off his shoulder and runs back to the coffin, which she then proceeds to climb into.)
SKY: (poking KAGE relentlessly) Kage, wake up! Come on, wake up! KAGE, IF YOU DON’T WAKE UP I’M GONNA MURDER YOUR FACE!!!
(There is no response.)
SKY: (crying) KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
KAGE: (sitting up, pulling her previously invisible earbuds out of her ears) Didn’t quite catch that, what? (looking around) Nice funeral you guys have arranged. It’s a shame it’ll go to waste, really. And this coffin is no joke the comfiest thing I have had the privilege of lying in. Seriously, can this become my bed? Or would sleeping in a coffin just be really weird?
SKY: (diving on top of her) KAGE!
BETA: (leaping on as well) You’re alive!
SCARLETTE: (running over and adding to the pile) I knew you couldn’t really be dead!
KAGE: (laughing) Hey, don’t crush the writer!
SKITTLE: Meow!
SKY: (sticking her tongue out at SHAKA) I told you she was alive, but you didn’t believe me!
(SHAKA isn’t given time to answer; he’s cut off by the TARDIS materializing.)
KAGE: (looking at it, unsurprised) Oh yeah, there was that other thing I wanted to tell you…
(The DOCTOR steps out, looking bemused.)
DOCTOR: (calling back into the TARDIS) Good news, companions! We’ve hit the target century this time! Bad news though, we’re in the middle of a funeral!
KAGE: (waving cheerily) Welcome to my funeral! Cake will be provided if you stick around!
SKY: (surprised) Mom?
DOCTOR: (equally surprised) Sky?
(The DOCTOR runs to SKY and they embrace. SHAKA is standing off to the side, until The DOCTOR grabs him.)
DOCTOR: (smiling) You may be twenty years old, Shaka, but I’m still your mother. I see you’ve been taking care of your little sister…
SKY: (hugging SHAKA, The DOCTOR, SKITTLE, and AIOLIA) You guys are the best family ever!
AIOLIA: (annoyed) Why am I a part of this? I’m the Leo saint! And anyway, I refuse to be related to Shaka! He was one of the ones who killed my brother!
SHAKA: (primly) That was back in Episode G. You need to get over yourself.
(ASMITA steps out of the TARDIS.)
ASMITA: (surprised) Shaka? Sky?
SKY: (slapping him across the face) That was for hitting Shaka!
ASMITA: (sighs) Just like your mother…
KAGE: (craftily) Wait, if I resurrected them all, then that means…
(Everyone comes pouring out of the TARDIS.)
KAGE: (downright evil-sounding) ...there’s two of all the saints. That means we have twenty-four gold saints and eight interviewers who I can mess up the lives of. In total: thirty-two perfect gag opportunities in Sanctuary alone. Let the games begin.
(She throws back her head and laughs maniacally as thunder rolls and lightning flashes overhead. The saints <<all 24 of them, hahaha>> look very, very afraid as the scene ends.)
WILDWOOD: (looking out at the now-packed theater) Well, that’s it. We’re officially on the non-stop night train to crazy town. And I have two Aquarius saints to deal with. Suddenly my life no longer has any joy. I think I’m going to crawl under a rock and pray they don’t find me.
(Suddenly the screen behind him comes to life yet again.)
WILDWOOD: (looking at it in surprise) What in the-?
(On screen, there is a short phrase: LOST CITY- SUMMER 2015.)
END…
FOR NOW.

The Virgo Interview is going on hiatus until the end of the summer, when y'all will be dazzled by The Language of Flowers, a bona fide novel of all this silliness. Until then, adieu, sweet fans, adieu.
*sings like Wildwood*

Aww, thanks! I personally think it may be the best one since How Not To Survive the Holy War, maybe even better!
That's sweet of you, but I thought that an interviewer dying would be a bit too dark.
Also, the funeral scene is easily my favorite thing I've ever written. "KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"