The Virgo Interview!

I read this and teared up because THIS IS WHERE THE TOAST THING STARTED!
I'll post more maybe later if I can.

This is amazing. Athena you have bat wings?

Also what toast thing?

XD

Yep I have wings

Shhhhhh, don't tell the others,
I did a sciancetific experament and got bat wings.

Oh look, there's more.

Part 1

NARRATOR: Hey! What are you doing here?! This theater is reserved for a special screening of “Banana Kitten Zombie Vampire Space Commando Melee: The Fantabulous Threequel”! You can’t be in here unless you’re one of the actors or their honored guests! This is strictly against theater protocol and- (cell phone rings) Hang on, let me get this. Hello? Yes. Yes, I see. Yes. Yes. Okay, sir. We’ll notify everyone of the change. (puts down phone) This theater will now be showing “The Virgo Interview: The Unexpected Sequel”, a great film which contains kidnapped saints, goats, and exploding fruits. “Banana Kitten Zombie Vampire Space Commando Melee: The Fantabulous Threequel” will not be having it’s premier party after all, mainly because it’s a horrible movie and nobody RSVP’d. It’s just as well. The only catering they planned was to cook ten boxes of Hot Pockets in our staff room microwave. We at Parody Cinemas are not sorry for the change, and if you choose to complain, we will drop you headfirst off the theater roof and blame the popcorn machine. Then, once we allow our vicious attack dogs to piss on your grave, we’ll sue your dead body for disrupting the workplace environment. At this time, we must ask you to silence your cellphones, stow your contrabass flutes beneath your seats, and put down your roleplaying devices. We would also like to remind you to fasten your seatbelts, as we may encounter turbulence in-flight. Thank you for flying Parody Airline Cinemas and we hope you enjoy your trip. Your program will begin momentarily.

(SCENE: An alleyway in Athens, Greece. Sanctuary is located in Greece, so I conveniently place it’s exact location as near Athens. Don’t ask me why, I just think it would look nice sitting on a hill overlooking the city. That way DEATHMASK could scare the crap out of tourists and MILO could easily order takeout. Anyway, LEO AIOLIA ((the Leo saint, he’s the brother of my saint, SAGITTARIUS AIOLOS)) is kneeling down to pet a cat.)
AIOLIA: I dunno, Mr. Cat, I really think Eagle Marin said she wanted to meet me at that fancy toast reastaurant tonight and not next Friday. Although, her voice did sound a little funny on the phone. Maybe she’s nervous about our first official date.
MR. CAT: Meow?
AIOLIA: Oh, all those other times we got interrupted by our jobs.
MR. CAT: Mrrow!
AIOLIA: I know, right? It’s totally rude to barge in on our moment! Those lesser saints need to learn a little respect!
MR. CAT: (scratches a flea, then hacks up a hairball) Gak! Gak! Gaaaaaak!
AIOLIA: (tears up) That’s… That’s so beautiful! I should tell her that! Or do you think it would be too forward on our first official date?
MR.CAT: (arches back and hisses angrily, running away) HISSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
AIOLIA: (crestfallen) Oh. Okay. I didn’t think it was that bad, though. (hears a sound and turns around) Oh, it’s you. What are you doing here, anyway?
(Suddenly, AIOLIA gets whacked in the back of the head and falls. His body is dragged away by somebody that you, the viewer, cannot see, because he’s off-camera. Like this technique? I borrowed it from a British crime drama called Midsomer Murders. It’s a show about a place called Midsomer, which is in Britain, and all the murders that happen there. There is also a lot of people cheating on each other and even more people keeping secrets which conveniently have something to do with the case. It’s a very good show, although my favorite Sargeant, Gavin Troy, left ages ago.)
(SCENE: KRHS, morning. KAGE is walking in, sighing theatrically and wishing for coffee. SKY is walking and roleplaying at the same time. She is idly thinking about VIRGO SHAKA, and doesn’t realize this until one of her roleplaymates points out that she’s been calling the doctor SHAKA for the past ten posts…)
SKY: Man, I must be really distracted. Sometimes, I wonder if that interview wasn’t just a crazy dream.
KAGE: Some days, I wonder if the entire anime Saint Seiya was just an unusual and inexplicably addictive dream…
SKY: What?
KAGE: Oh, nothing.
(Suddenly, the intercom turns on and DEATHMASK’s voice can be heard)
DEATHMASK: I wanna do it! Let me use the intercom!
APHRODITE: No way! Shaka said I got to use the intercom because you got to pick the food in the airport!
DEATHMASK: You got your salad, didn’t you?! And anyway, you got the window seat on the plane!
SCORPIO MILO: No fair! I get to do the intercom because I had to sit next to Saga and he talks in his sleep like he’s possessed!
AQUARIUS CAMUS: I think I should do the intercom because, umm, let me see- I’M THE ONLY MATURE ONE HERE!
TAURUS ALDEBARAN: No, let me do the intercom! You guys get to do everything!
ARIES MU: You’re not the only mature one. Saga’s nice personality is okay, I consider myself to be relatively mature, Shaka’s dependable, if anyone calls Shura immature they’re liable to die, and Aiolos isn’t so bad when you get used to the hovering and ghostiness.
CAMUS: Yes, but Saga’s in his evil personality at the moment and is writing in demonic languages on the wall, you’re not loud and commanding enough, and Aiolos is grief-stricken.
ALDEBARAN: Actually, I think he’s worrying about what he’s going to say to Kage.
CAMUS: Aldebaran, he’s talking to a potted plant for Athena’s sake.
MU: I don’t think that’s grief, I think that the madness of Kage, otherwise known as “That Psychopathic Potato Carved to Look Like a Frog, Slathered in Maple Syrup, With Olives For Eyes, and A Magic Candy Cane Wand” is contagious.
CAMUS: It’s possible, with a nickname like that. And there’s no way we can get Shaka to do the intercom- he’s busy with his tai chi.
MU: Actually, I think it might be yoga. See, that’s a cobra pose if I ever saw one.
CAMUS: Oh, who cares?! And Shura isn’t here, he ran off to yell at some seniors who were snickering at us through the window. I don’t feel sorry for them in the least, the irrevert little-
ALDEBARAN: Before you say anything you regret, I should probably tell you that everything we say in here is being picked up by the intercom.
(CAMUS swears)
CAMUS: (clears throat) Okaaay, we apologize for all that. And we just have one message for some students. And it is-
(MILO grabs the mic)
MILO: Sky! Kage! Beta! Get in here!
DEATHMASK: Hi, best friend!
APHRODITE: (annoyed) Listen here Beta, if you’re bringing those infernal chickens of yours, then you are staying in a HOTEL! Do you hear me, A HOTEL!!!
AIOLOS: Kage, we’re having your rabbit flown out along with you. I hope he likes plane rides…
CAMUS: And get down here quick, you three. We need to be on the road to the airport in five minutes or we won’t have time to get all of us through security!
(he flicks off the intercom, and turns to the rest of the saints)
CAMUS: Somebody PLEASE got find Shura before he kills anybody…
APHRODITE: (annoyed) One question: when we get home, do I finally get my gun back?
CAMUS: Shaka?
SHAKA: OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!
(The girls walk in)
KAGE: Hey! It’s everybody!
SKY: Wow, that’s a lot of saints…
BETA: Do you guys have any Swedish Fish? There has to be Swedish Fish, or I riot!
MU: Well, we have Aphrodite. He’s Swedish, and he’s a Pisces, which is the sign with all the fish. Will that do?
APHRODITE: Oh, ha ha. Very witty, Aries. You’re just jealous of how beautiful I am. We’ll get you your fattening, sugary “food” in the airport where I won’t have to deal with the consequences. That’s what airport security is for.
BETA: You just try it, wussy boy!
KAGE: Are we flying out to Greece? Whats going on?
CAMUS: I’ll explain once we arrive. Otherwise, you won’t be able to hear it over the idiocy.
SKY: WOOHOO! TRIP! YEAH!
CAPRICORN SHURA: (walks into the office) Those seniors won’t be insulting any saints for a LOOOONG time, I’ll tell you that.
AIOLOS: What do you mean?
SHURA: I don’t think you want to know. Let’s just say the janitors are in for the job of their lives.
MILO: (running out the door) C’mon, guys! I wanna go to the really big airport!
CAMUS: (sighs) We’d better get going. If we miss the flight, there’s no getting this many people on the next plane to Greece at the last second.
(they go outside, climb into possible the biggest VW bus in existance, and drive off)
(SCENE: The highway on the way to Boston, in a car, still morning. MU is driving, and APHRODITE is in the passenger seat, using a compact mirror and a little comb to brush his hair. BETA is currently trying to adopt a new saint. ALDEBARAN is chatting with her because he is a nice and friendly person and they share a love of gummy candy. APHRODITE is really using his compact mirror to watch the two of them and looking very, very jealous. BETA never paid this kind of attention to him, and the biggest egos are always the most fragile, especially around nice women who don’t like selfish people. KAGE is occasionally joining in their conversation, but is mostly chatting with AIOLOS about life and other things. MILO is singing travel songs, and DEATHMASK joins in on “Da Moose, Da Moose” and “The Shark Song”. ((These songs ends in death for the moose and an unfortunate swimmer, so I thought they would be appropriate musical choices for him)) SHURA is being a backseat driver, SHAKA is watching SKY roleplay with a mixture of interest and trepidation, and CAMUS is listening to music and wondering why all this had to happen to him.)
KAGE: Hey Camus! (launches into a song from her childhood, written and composed by her) Are we the-ere yet? Are we theeeeeeeeeeere yet? Are we-
CAMUS: (through gritted teeth) No. No, we are not there yet. We will not be “there yet” for another hour or so. So, can you please just SHUT UP?!
APHRODITE: Talk to your saint! I’m sure he’d like that, because being ignored in favor of some goody-two-shoes is probably making him very annoyed although he’d never admit he’s jealous and that he just wants somebody to like him best and everyone makes fun of him online and the person writing these only defends him halfheartedly because she doesn’t like him and you know what?! He doesn’t even care if you finish his interview at this point because he knows it’ll just be more of her laughing at him and more of him realizing that she should never have interviewed him at all and more of the author forgetting the gold saint she “discovered” on Google Images one day in favor of comedy at his expense! It would be better if he and this whole stupid thing just faded away rather than continue in such a manner as a joke and somebody made fun of over careless texts and laughed at by all because he’s so pathetic that EVEN HIS INTERVIEWER HATES HIM!!!
(he looks around, realizing that the car has gone totally silent. Everyone’s staring at him, including KAGE and a very puzzled AIOLOS.)
BETA: I get the sense there’s a thinly veiled meaning here.
SKY: Shnikies, I thought this was a comedy!
KAGE: Oh, I’m very good at interweaving drama with humor. Just look at Reincarnation and Heroes Infinity. There have been dramatic and sad moments in those! Or in Infinity’s case, there will be. It’s three pages so, yeah, there isn’t much there.
AIOLOS: You’re not talking about me, are you?
BETA: We haven’t been cooped up in here long enough for cabin fever to take effect, have we?
APHRODITE: (annoyed, a little teary) Forget it! Just forget it, all of you! Gods, when are we getting back to Sanctuary?!
MILO: (trying to be consoling and fatherly, but failing) Soon, Princess, soon. Just take it easy. There’s Boston up ahead. You can go find a place to take care of your girlie problems there, Aphrodite. Until then, just try not to be too emotional. Remember, we’re all here for you in this difficult time of a young woman’s development. If you have any questions about what’s happening to you, just ask me. Don’t shut us out. Every girl feels like this at times, but you don’t need to let it rule you. Now, parts of you are going to be changing, so-
APHRODITE: Go to Hades and burn, Milo.
SHAKA: Milo, while we all appreciate your kind gesture, I think I need to remind you...again… that Aphrodite is a man in his early twenties. He’s not a pubescent teenage girl, no matter how much he acts like one. Honestly, this is the fifth time we explained this to you.
GEMINI SAGA: (pokes his head out of the trunk where he’d been sitting, rocking back and forth) Yes, Aphrodite is Aphrodite, and there’s no cheesy Health class video to explain that.
KAGE: Thank god!
AIOLOS: Now, what was it you were saying about this “Five Nights At Freddy’s”?
KAGE: Oh, it’s really amazing! I love playing FNAF! The animatronics are kinda scary, though. Sky tried to play it once and completely broke down once she saw a pair of eyes glowing in the hall.
DEATHMASK: I like the animatronics! I like the creepy puppet one!
KAGE: You… You’re more evil than I thought.
MU: So I just follow the signs for Boston-Logan Airport?
KAGE: Right-o! That should get you there!
SHURA: Okay, make the left turn- Gods, that was way too sharp, Mu! We’d be safer if I was at the wheel!
(the car enters the tunnel into Boston and the scene changes)
(SCENE: an airport parking garage, close to lunchtime. Everyone is unloading their stuff from the back. The guys had wisely decided to pick up the luggage of the three girls. KAGE has encountered an unusual surprise which has the attention of everyone present.)
CAMUS: I didn’t know they made them that big!
MILO: What have you been feeding him?
MU: Does he let people pet him?
SHAKA: I don’t think I’ve ever seen one that size before. Most of the ones who show up outside my temple in the mornings are so tiny!
ALDEBARAN: Awwwww! I wish you were staying in my temple!
AIOLOS: What’s his name?
APHRODITE: Ugh, it’s going to get hair on my clothes and it smells!
DEATHMASK: I want to eat it.
SAGA: Mmmm, rabbitses, roasted with just a little bit of sage- yum yum!
KAGE: (holding GUS GUS, her pet bunny, in her arms) No way are you eating him, Saga! Or you, Deathmask!They do make ‘em this big. Trust me, I’ve seen his sister, Clover. She’s one big bunny girl. I’ve been feeding him Poulin Grain and veggies. He loves to be petted, just don’t touch his feet or he’ll nip you. Wild ones are typically smaller than him because he’s half Checkered Giant and half New Zealand. Seriously, his mom was the biggest bunny I’ve ever laid eyes on. I can bring him over to the Taurus temple if you like. He likes to chew things, though, so if you’ve got a lot of woodwork you’re really fond of, I wouldn’t chance it. His name is Gus, but he has all kinds of nicknames like Gussy, Gus Gus, Guspacho, and Mister Bunny.
BETA: (holding ZANZI, as well as MAE and TANK, who are in a dog carrier) Better keep him seperate from the dogs- I think Mae’s under the impression that your bunny is a new toy.
APHRODITE: God, I hate animals. They smell awful and jump all over you!
KAGE: You can avoid Gussy by climbing stairs. He’s too fat to do stairs. Or jump all over you, for that matter. The greatest danger is wearing lace-up shoes around him. Laces are his favorite thing to chew after wood and human flesh.
APHRODITE: Duly noted.
BETA: Why are you so against pets, anyway?
DEATHMASK: He was bitten by a dog when he was little.
APHRODITE: I still have the scars!
DEATHMASK: He can’t show you where they are, because then he’d have to take off his pants and that would be public indecency.
APHRODITE: Deathmask, do you not know when to SHUT UP?!
MILO: Aphrodite, do you need help with your girlie problems? Because puberty is nothing to be ashamed of, and-
APHRODITE: THAT DOES IT!!! ONCE WE GET BACK TO SANCTUARY, YOU’RE DEAD!
MILO: Now now, that’s just the bad time of the month talking! You’ll be back to your normal self in a few days. In the meantime, just don’t go swimming.
SHAKA: Milo…
MILO: Shaka, I don’t think you understand Aphrodite’s struggle here.
CAMUS: And you do?
MILO: As her father figure and confidante, I need to be able to support her, even through this time of womanly development!
BETA: Somebody hasn’t read the Saint Seiya wiki…
CAMUS: The only thing Aphrodite has ever confided in you is how much he hates your guts!
MILO: Oh, I know that’s just her being overemotional. It’s normal for teenage girls to act like this when they’re developing. I just think nothing of it, because when I come into her room at night to check on her, she looks just like the little angel she was as a baby!
CAMUS: I give up. I just don’t know anymore.
APHRODITE: Milo, I swear I’m going to kill you and use your skull for a doorstop. Or maybe as a football, so we can reenact the World Cup!
AIOLOS: There’s no point, because Aldebaran and Shura will just beat us, and then, to add insult to injury, yell things at us in Porteguese and Spanish that would be insulting if we could understand them.
ALDEBARAN: C’mon, guys! We never play football like that anymore!
((I’m here referring to soccer as football, because all the gold saints introduced here are actually from Europe, or in Mu and Shaka’s case, Asia. Aphrodite is from Sweden, Aldebaran is from Brazil, Shura is from Spain, Mu is from Tibet, Aiolos, Milo, and Saga are Greek, Camus is French, Shaka is Indian (as in from India), and Deathmask is Italian. We at Saint Seiya are very multicultural.))
SKY: Does this place have any wifi? Because I need to check my RP. The Doctor and I are getting married and the wedding’s being held on the day pudding was invented.
DEATHMASK: Toast is better!
KAGE: No, pudding is! ALL GLORY TO THE PUDDING!!!!
DEATHMASK: I hate you.
KAGE: I hate you too.
BETA: Zanzibar does not approve! HONK!!!
ZANZI: HONK!!!
CAMUS: Let’s just try to get through security without killing anybody, okay?
SHURA: Yeah, you’d be surprised how hard it is to find a place to bury a body in the middle of a city. I have a sinking suspicion they already found the guy we buried in the flowerbed.
(they exit the parking garage)
(SCENE: The airport security counter, still getting close to lunchtime. The saints and their three interviewers are attempting to remove their shoes and get all their stuff in those little bins they provide.)
KAGE: Of course. Today was the day I just HAD to wear the black heeled boots of death.
BETA: Great thinking there.
APHRODITE: Ugh, so tacky. They’re clearly fake leather.
BETA: (rolls her eyes) You are such a wuss.
MILO: (cheerfully piling his stuff onto the conveyor belt) My shoes, my luggage, my phone, my GameBoy, my Batman cape, my jacket, my box of Girl Scout Cookies that I bought from a cute little kid at the supermarket…
SKY: Ummm… you guys didn’t bring your armor, did you?
SHAKA: Well, I didn’t. I don’t think anyone else did.
AIOLOS: Which is a good thing because Camus would personally kill them on the spot.
KAGE: Let’s hope nobody brought armor then…
(they one by one walk through the metal detector. Nobody sets it off.)
CAMUS: Well, then, I guess I should have more faith in you guys. Clearly nobody was stupid enough to-
(Suddenly, a security guard comes out from behind the kiosk holding a very fat, very pissed off cat.)
GUARD: Is this yours?
(CAMUS swears)
CAMUS: Alright, which one of you idiots brought Aiolia’s cat?!
AIOLOS: That cat doesn’t belong to my brother! His cat isn’t pregnant! Trust me, I know. (shivers) I was there when Aiolia had to take it down to the vet and get it neutered. It was horrible. The cat was yowling to wake the dead. Then, Aiolia had to start caterwauling too, and the whole waiting room was in an uproar.
SKY: Skittle!
SHAKA: We’re trying to deal with a pregnant feline and you’re worried about candy?
SKY: No, Skittle’s the cat’s name! She’s my sister’s cat!
SHAKA: Well, how did your sister’s cat get into your stuff?
SKY: Must’ve been looking for a place to nap, or maybe she thought my socks were Fancy Feast. Who knows? And anyway, Skittle isn’t pregnant, just overweight.
CAMUS: So your overweight cat hitched a ride in your luggage? (moans) Somebody kill me.
APHRODITE: Sorry, I’ve got to take care of your friend Milo first, but I can fit you in next Friday!
CAMUS: I mean immediately! Right now!
APHRODITE: Cash, credit, or IOU?
MILO: (sticks out his lower lip) But Camus, think of the child!
CAMUS: Milo… I have no children.
MILO: Now, I know you, me, and Aphrodite don’t always get along, but pretending your own daughter doesn’t exist is kind of cold. Maybe we should go see a family counselor. It could strengthen our bonds and-
CAMUS: Somebody kill me! Come on, it won’t take much! I’ll even stand still! We’ll call it natural causes!
APHRODITE: Milo… words cannot describe how deeply I loathe you right now.
BETA: Go Milo! Wooohoo!
APHRODITE: Where’s your loyalty to your sign, anyway?
BETA: I traded it in for Swedish Fish long ago. They were yummy, too.
DEATHMASK: So, if Milo is the daddy, Camus is the mommy, and Aphrodite is the preteen daughter, who am I?
MILO: The dog!
DEATHMASK: Woof.
SHAKA: Camus, perhaps you shouldn’t be so hasty in throwing your life away…
CAMUS: IF I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU IDIOTS FOR ONE MORE SECOND, I’M GOING TO PUNCH A HOLE IN SOMETHING!!!!!
MU: Guys, people are staring at us…. again.
KAGE: Hey, look! There’s our gate! We can wait for the flight there!
BETA: I wonder if they offer complimentary Swedish Fish?
SKY: And in-flight Doctor Who!
KAGE: Speaking of shows, you guys are amusing and all, but The Lost Canvas is calling my name right about now and I intend to respond!
(she pulls out her phone and begins to watch Saint Seiya: The Lost Canvas)
MILO: I suppose all we can do now is wait…
(a few hours pass.)
MILO: When’s the plane gonna get here?
KAGE: Shut up, Milo. I’m trying to pay attention to my favorite gold saint.
MILO: (sad) There was a time when that was me…
KAGE: That time is looooooong gone, baby!
(meanwhile, SHAKA is pacing back and forth.)
SKY: Worried about something?
SHAKA: Well, I don’t know if all this is a good idea. Last time we brought you to Sanctuary, Aphrodite shot you.
SKY: Don’t worry, I’ve got you to protect me! Everything’s going to be fine!
SHAKA: And I will protect you as best I can. But what if-
SKY: Aww, stop being such a downer! Everything’s going to be fine!
SHAKA: If you say so…
(while this is going on, BETA and ALDEBARAN are chatting again. APHRODITE is hiding cleverly behind a potted rosebush. He’s getting more and more jealous by the second)
APHRODITE: Hmmmph… they’re laughing again. Probably joking around at my expense.
ALDEBARAN: But seriously, did you get an interview?
BETA: Of sorts. Mine’s not finished yet, though. I’m not sure I like it so far, though. I mean, it’s okay and all, but, well…
ALDEBARAN: Well?
BETA: Aphrodite’s not how I imagined him at all. He’s kind of a jerk, actually.
APHRODITE: (storms out from behind the bush blushing) I knew it! That Kage Flanders is in for it!
KAGE: Oh, am I?
(APHRODITE whips around in surprise, he hadn’t noticed KAGE standing there.)
APHRODITE: This isn’t fair! Everybody else is liked by their interviewer! Make her like me!
KAGE: I can’t! If she doesn’t like you, that’s between you and her. I just transcribe these things, I don’t control what happens in them. You act like yourself and she acts like herself and if you don’t click, then the problem isn’t me. The problem is you. You want her to like you? Maybe she isn’t into narcissists! Maybe that isn’t her thing! You can feel all left out and sorry for yourself, you can whine to me until I threaten you with violence, you can even fight Aldebaran to prove your feelings for all I care! None of that will change anything. At the end of the day, Beta is going to be Beta and you are going to be you! And if that means you don’t like each other, and you’re not willing to do anything about it, you can at least say you tried. Then, you pick yourself up off the floor and you move on.
APHRODITE: But that isn’t fair!
KAGE: Oh yes it is. You had a chance, didn’t you? As I recall, you blew it.
APHRODITE: Well, what about a second chance?
KAGE: You’re asking me to give you a second chance to make a first impression? There’s a reason it’s called a FIRST impression, ‘Dite. You only get one, and once you mess it up, that’s it. The end. Fin!
APHRODITE: But my interview isn’t finished yet!
KAGE: An astute observation, my dear ‘Dite. The Pisces Interview is not finished yet.
APHRODITE: The way you’re talking- you’re acting like there’s no chance!
KAGE: No chance? (laughs) ‘Dite, this is the sequel to an interview I didn’t think even part one of would ever get finished. This is the product of an idea I got while sitting on Beta’s staircase thinking about anime on Halloween. This is something I wrote in green pen on a couple of sorry notebook paper sheets. If miracles can happen, then I’d say here is as good a place as any.
APHRODITE: So there IS a chance?
KAGE: That’s your decision, ‘Dite. You have to figure that out on your own.
APHRODITE: Hold it, why are you calling me ‘Dite?
KAGE: Well, you gotta admit, it’s better than Aphy. You need a nickname that isn’t derisive or romantic-sounding.
APHRODITE: Yes. I’ll admit that you calling me “Goldfish” would be a little odd.
KAGE: Or Swedish Fish.
APHRODITE: That’s the worst nickname I’ve ever heard.
KAGE: It’s better than Goldfish. People actually call you that?
APHRODITE: I prefer not to talk about that nickname…
KAGE: As I recall, you did mention it to Stayka…
((Stayka De Avemta is a fan of Saint Seiya bext known for her shrine interviews to the saints. Her interviews were my inspiration. I discovered her Pisces Interview entirely by accident and that kind of set things off. However, she conducts and formats her interviews differently than the ones you see here. They are more of actual interviews and less of funny stories in script format. They’re much shorter than mine as well, and are far more professionally conducted.))
APHRODITE: Exactly how do you know about that?
KAGE: She posted it online. The whole world can see it now. Not to mention a certain adorably funny picture of you with curlers in your hair…
APHRODITE: WHAAAAAT?!
KAGE: That cheered me up after a long day at school, I’ll tell you that.
APHRODITE: I can’t believe she actually has a picture of me with curlers in my hair! How in Hades did she get that?!
KAGE: Much of this was done around 1999, which is the year I was born, so I couldn’t have helped her… regrettably.
APHRODITE: So the rumors aren’t true and you weren’t born obsessed with Saint Seiya?
KAGE: Shhhh… I like people to think that.
APHRODITE: You’re insane. There’s simply no other explanation for this kind of behavior.
KAGE: (laughs) You’re fun. I wish I’d gotten to interview you so we could have ten pages of nothing but this banter. I do love writing banter, especially when I’m one of the people bantering.
APHRODITE: Oh, I’m cursed. Cursed to be disliked by the one other Pisces in this bunch, and cursed to be tolerated by one very strange Sagittarius! It must be because I’m so pretty!
KAGE: Uh… Yeah. That’s definitely it. (to herself) Maybe I should break it to him that many people think he’s a girl…
(SCENE: The plane, a few minutes later. The three girls are sitting with their corresponding Saints. BETA and APHRODITE both look rather uncomfortable with this setup. DEATHMASK is sitting next to SAGA and is absently playing with a skull of unknown origin. ALDEBARAN and MU are sitting together, as are CAMUS and MILO. SHURA is sitting alone behind AIOLOS and KAGE. The camera slowly pans across each of their faces as the plane takes off and the adventure begins…)
NARRATOR: We hope you enjoyed part one! Stay tuned for part 2, which will be aired when it exists. Thank you for your support of Parody Cinema Airlines!

Part 2

NARRATOR: Welcome back to The Virgo Interview: The Unexpected Sequel! This is part two of a series, and the sequel to boot, so if you’ve missed everything up to this point, well, we’re not even going to dirty our hands with you. You received your warning in the last volume. This time, if you complain, you will be removed from the aircraft posthaste, most likely while we are in mid-flight. If you are hungry during our program, our stewardesses will bring around a trolley of snacks which contains nothing but canned peaches and expired sauerkraut. If you complain about that, you will suffer the same fate as the good-for-nothing idiots who go to see a movie without watching the last few parts of it. Now, if you feel the need to use the restroom, we must remind you of our rule in non-airline cinemas: piss breaks will NOT be tolerated. If you attempt to take a piss break, your only mark left on the world will be a grease spot on the pavement. If you are to-
THE ENTIRE CAST: GET ON WITH IT!!!!
NARRATOR: Fine, be that way. Roll film!
(SCENE: An airport in GREECE, late afternoon. Everyone is very relieved to be off the plane, as long flights are awful and the in-flight entertainment was one episode of Big Bang Theory and a few cheesy animated movies. SKY is carrying SKITTLE, as the cat has apparently decided that it’s too fat to walk. Everyone else is trying to wake up KAGE, who has been sleeping since their stopover in Germany.)
CAMUS: (tenatively slaps her) Wake up, Flanders!
MILO: We have chocolate!
AIOLOS: Sand back everyone. (yelling) Kage! There’s a manga shop and they have Saint Seiya on clearance!
KAGE: (wakes up) Where? Where? (realizes where they are) Oh, right. We’re in Greece. (glares at AIOLOS) And there are no manga shops in sight. Liar!
SKY: (holds up SKITTLE) I’m going to buy Skittle a little Spartan helmet! Then, she can be the first cat saint!
DEATHMASK: The second, if you count the late Leo Aiolia.
(AIOLOS looks incredibly mournful at this)
SKY: The LATE Leo Aiolia? People die in this interview?
KAGE: Why, is Aiolia dead? Deathmask, have you been offing people again? (she turns to say “my condolences” to AIOLOS in Greek, but instead messes up and says “congratulations”. The two sound surprisingly similar, so it’s an honest mistake.)
SHAKA: Well, it’s not proven, but he did vanish a few days ago. We haven’t seen him since.
MILO: We began to suspect foul play when we put a dish of milk out and he didn’t come running like usual. He loves milk. Laps it up like a cat. It’s hilarious.
BETA: So you’re saying you have a mystery on your hands? Is that why you called us?
CAMUS: Basically, yes.
SKY: According to the Saint Seiya wiki, there are tons of lower-ranking saints. Seriously, tons. Couldn’t you ask them?
ALL GOLD SAINTS: Certainly not!
CAMUS: If we ask the silver saints, or god forbid, the bronze saints for help, we’ll look incompetent! They’ll never let us hear the end of it!
KAGE: Don’t they kind of owe you one, y’know, for killing you guys and stuff?
CAMUS: They would’ve owed us if SOMEBODY didn’t almost kill a certain Phoenix saint’s precious little brother… Ikki would sooner kill us all again than cooperate now.
APHRODITE: (petulent) Shun STARTED it!
SKY: So you called us? Great! We’ll help you find your lost cat or saint or whichever!
CAMUS: Okay, you all start right now. As of this moment, you’re now working for Sanctuary as volunteers. That means you can’t demand we pay you. So, this cat, he’s about six feet in length, with wild, curly hair and golden armor. Answers to the name of Aiolia, Leo, or occasionally Kitty Cat. He loves milk and usually comes when called. So you might want to wander around Athens calling his name before you do anything else. If that doesn’t work, find an eagle. He likes eagles.
AIOLOS: (uncomfortable) Speaking of Eagle Marin… there is another nickname he might answer to if you call it.
CAMUS: Well, I feel like an idiot for standing around the Acropolis yelling “Here, kitty kitty kitty” for two hours straight now! What’s this other nickname and why didn’t you mention this before?!
AIOLOS: (staring at the floor, looking embarrassed) Ummm….You could say it’s a bit… compromising. He’ll only respond to it if it’s a lady doing the calling…
CAMUS: Come on, it can’t be as bad as the time Aphrodite told us all about his love life.
APHRODITE: You’re just jealous of my resplendent beauty and ability to command the affections of all who look upon my radiance!
BETA: Wuss.
AIOLOS: (blushing a deep red) Fine, but I’ll whisper it. I’m not saying something like that in front of the girls!
(he whispers something into CAMUS’ ear, CAMUS looks shocked for a moment, then starts laughing uncontrollably)
CAMUS: You aren’t serious, are you?! He actually asks women to call him that?!
AIOLOS: (totally mortified) Yes. Horrible, isn’t it?
MILO: What are you guys talking about? What’s the nickname?
CAMUS: (snickers) I’m going to tell them!
AIOLOS: Please don’t.
CAMUS: Leo Aiolia likes women to call him… The Supreme Lion Lord of the Boudoir.
SKY: Boudoir?
CAMUS: It’s French. It means “bedroom”.
(KAGE and SKY die laughing, BETA looks confused. SHAKA looks offended, and the rest of the saints laugh too. AIOLOS blushes an even deeper red and looks like he’d love to melt into the floor.)
SHAKA: Honestly, you should all be ashamed of yourselves. We’re in public with three impressionable young ladies. This is no time to be discussing matters of that kind.
KAGE: Shaka, you mean two impressionable young ladies. I hardly think I fall into the “impressionable” category.
APHRODITE: God, Shaka, you’re such a prude. Trust me, that nickname is nothing to what my many lovers call ME. Then again, with a flick of my hair I have them begging me to-
BETA: Does anybody want to trade saints?
KAGE: No thank you.
SKY: Nope. I’m keeping Shaka.
CAMUS: We’d better be getting back before the silver saints realize we’re gone and trash our temples. After the girls move in, we meet in 18:00 hours inside my temple to plan strategy. Tomorrow, the investigations will begin. Syncronize your watches. It is now 4:45. You have your orders- BREAK!
(SCENE: The Virgo Temple, evening. SKY is moving in, and SHAKA is helping her. SKITTLE is lounging in the middle of the temple.)
SKY: It’s nice of you to let me stay here again.
SHAKA: Well, it’s the least I can do. And don’t worry about accomodating Skittle, I have nothing against pets.
SKY: Poor Aiolia, he must be so frightened out there alone in the cold.
SHAKA: Sky, you do know that Aiolia isn’t a real cat, right? He’s just Aiolos’ younger brother.
SKY: Oh… it makes sense now. Poor Aiolos though. He can’t be too happy about his brother missing.
SHAKA: I imagine he isn’t. He’s always been a little melancholy since he died, seeing as he had no way of helping Aiolia as a ghost.
SKY: I have a question. Why call us for help? We’re not qualified to help you find Aiolia! In fact, we might just get in your way.
SHAKA: If you must know, I suggested it because it lifts everyone’s spirits to have you around. Sanctuary has never been the happiest of places, you know. The others seem to enjoy having you around. There really are a lot of grudges around here. When you three visit, things tend to cool down and people actually tolerate each other.
(SKY’s response is cut off when SKITTLE suddenly leaps up and runs out of the temple meowing like she’s possessed.)
SKY: Skittle! How are you able to run so fast?!
SHAKA: Let’s follow her! Maybe she has Aiolia’s scent!
(SHAKA and SKY give chase as SKITTLE sprints away across Sanctuary’s rocky landscape. The cat is moving unsually fast, so they aren’t close to catching it.)
SHAKA: Have you ever seen her like this?
SKY: No! (yelling at the cat) Skittle! You’re too fat to run! Stop running!
SHAKA: Looks like she’s going towards the city! If we take this path, I think we can cut her off!
(they dash off down a side trail)
(SCENE: Further down the side trail, late evening. SKY and SHAKA’s progress has been impeded- by an old man and his many goats.)
SHAKA: What are you doing here? This is Sanctuary, you can’t just waltz in here with your goats! We have important things to do!
GOATHERD: Customer say I bring goats up path, so I bring goats up path. They say is an urgent matter and need many goats.
SHAKA: But they’re just standing there! Can’t you move them?
GOATHERD: When goat no want move, goat no move. You wait for goat to want move. Then, goat move and you go down path.
SHAKA: Isn’t there any way to make them want to move faster?
GOATHERD: Goat do what goat want. You no make goat move if goat no want move.
SHAKA: I understand, but isn’t there any way we could get by?
GOATHERD: You no get past goat if goat no want move.
SHAKA: Please, it’s a matter of great urgency! I need to catch an overweight cat!
GOATHERD: Goat no care. Goat still no want move.
SKY: (from inside the herd of goats) SHAKA! HEEEEEELP! I’M DROWNING IN GOATS!!!!
SHAKA: Hang on, Sky! I’m coming!
GOATHERD: Is no good. You no get through goat herd.
SHAKA: Because goat no want move, I know! SKYAAAAAAAA!!!!!
(SHAKA dives into the midst of the goats, and the GOATHERD watches, shaking his head)
GOATHERD: I tell him goat no want move, he listen? No! He keep insisting “move goat, move goat”! See where it get him? Trampled by goat! Idiot young man think he run world, think he move goat when goat no want move!
(A scuffle can be heard as SHAKA fights his way back through the goats. He eventually emerges, carrying an unconcious SKY and covered in bruises. His hair is also quite messed up and full of leaves and sticks.)
SHAKA: You’re right. When goat no want move, goat no move.
SKY: (waking up) I had a dream… and there were goats…. so many goats...
SHAKA: They fight dirty, too. I have been kicked in places a man should never be kicked.
GOATHERD: What I tell you? Goat stubborn.
SHAKA: On that we can agree. (flops onto the ground in exhaustion)
GOATHERD: Goat stubborn, but you more stubborn. Maybe I herd you for living instead of goat! (gives a cackling laugh)
SHAKA: I’m only stubborn when I choose to be. Most of the time you’ll find me quite reasonable.
GOATHERD: Reasonable? HAH! You try to move goat when goat no want move! You no more reasonable than goat!
SKY: What happened? Doctor, is that you?
SHAKA: No, it’s Shaka. You were almost trampled by goats.
GOATHERD: Goats want move now!
SHAKA: Great. We’ll just let you pass.
GOATHERD: No, goats want go back down mountain. Goats tired.
SHAKA: All right. We’ll travel behind you. Can the goats move fast?
GOATHERD: Goats tired. Goats no want move fast.
SHAKA: I think we’ll go down the mountain by the other way.
GOATHERD: You go other way. Then you no rush goats. Goats no like being rushed.
SHAKA: Do you know the saying that something would “try the patience of a saint”?
GOATHERD: Yes, I know saying.
SHAKA: You have no idea how true it is right now.
GOATHERD: I go now. Goats want go back down mountain. You no keep goats waiting.
SHAKA: Yes, take your goats from this place before I remove them forcibly.
SKY: He could, too. He’s Virgo Shaka!
GOATHERD: (leaving) Goats no care. Goats tired. Goats want to go home.
SKY: Bye, goats! Have a nice trip!
SHAKA: Now we can finally get back to chasing Skittle…
(They go back up the trail)
(SCENE: Athens, nighttime. People are everywhere, enjoying the nightlife. SKY and SHAKA are searching for SKITTLE.)
SKY: Skittle! Here, Skittle! I have tuna!
SHAKA: We’ve been searching for hours. That cat must be long gone by now. If we hadn’t be waylaid by that man and his infernal goats…
SKY: But Shaka, we can’t just leave her out in the cold! She’ll starve!
SHAKA: Alright, we’ll keep looking, but Camus won’t be happy with us for missing the meeting.
SKY: Who cares about Camus? I don’t even know when 18:00 hours is!
SHAKA: It’s military time for 8:00 pm, which is right about now. He’s going to be livid.
SKY: Skittle! Heeeeeere, kitty kitty kitty!
(Suddenly, SKITTLE darts out from the alleyway, as though shot from a gun and begins pawing at SKY’S foot, meowing loudly)
SKY: Skittle! You came back! Good kitty! (tosses her a piece of tuna)
(SHAKA walks over to the alleyway SKITTLE just left, and looks in. He sees something which surprises him)
SHAKA: Sky, I think you should come and look at this…
(SKY walks over to him and looks into the alleyway. A cat is sitting there, wearing a gold collar and the helmet of Leo.)
SKY: That must be Leo Aiolia’s cat!
SHAKA: Yes, I think her name is Emmie or something like that.
SKY: Yeah, Emmie. It says it on her collar. Wonder why she’s here?
SHAKA: Well, she ran off about the same time Aiolia vanished, so her being here could mean something…
SKY: Awww, nice kitty! (reaches out to pet EMMIE, but gets bit) Owwwwww!
SHAKA: I should warn you, she’s totally hostile to anybody but Aiolia.
SKY: (sarcastic) Thanks for letting me know AFTER she bit me!
SHAKA: Should we bring her back with us? We can’t just leave her here.
SKY: Sure, if you carry her. I’m not touching that cat with a ten foot pole.
(SHAKA steps cautiously towards EMMIE. The cat gives him a dirty look.)
SHAKA: Shhhh… I’m not going to hurt you, I’m just going to pick you up. You don’t need to be scared…
(SHAKA reaches towards EMMIE, with the intention of picking her up. The cat responds by arching it’s back and hissing at him.)
SHAKA: Here, kitty kitty kitty…
(On the last “kitty”, he lunges forwards, tackling EMMIE. She goes full DEFCON-4 on him, scratching and biting his face. SKY watches, trying to keep a straight face.)
SKY: The great Virgo Shaka, the man closest to God… he who does battle with the universe’s greatest threats: ornery goats and vicious cats!
(SHAKA finally manages to get a hold of the cat. He is absolutely covered in scratches and bite marks by this point, and looks exhausted.)
SHAKA: First the goats, now this. Animals clearly aren’t fond of me this evening.
SKY: (to EMMIE) See, that’s what you get for biting me. A heaping helping of payback delivered via gold saint!
SHAKA: (pushing his now definitely messy hair out of his face) We’d best be getting back. If we hurry, then perhaps Camus will spare our lives.
SKY: Okay. C’mon, Skittle.
(SKITTLE yawns, stretches, and goes to sleep on the pavement)
SKY: You’ve GOT to be kidding me.
SHAKA: I’m glad to say I’ll be carrying the lighter of the two felines.
SKY: (crying) IT’S NOT HER FAULT SHE’S FAT!!!!
SHAKA: I wasn’t suggesting it was…
SKY: (picks up SKITTLE with great difficulty) Welp, let’s get going. C’mon, baby, grab the possessed cat.
SHAKA: (alarmed) Baby?!
SKY: (hugs him) Baby!
(They walk off in the direction of Sanctuary)
(SCENE: The basement of the Aquarius Temple, late evening. Everyone is sitting around a large conference table, discussing strategy.)
CAMUS: I can’t believe that Shaka decided to ditch with Sky! Honestly, he’s supposed to be more responsible than this!
MILO: (sighs) I bet they’re having fun…
CAMUS: We called the girls here on business, not to socialize! He’s probably flirting with her and buying her stuff and doing disgusting romantic things with her!
APHRODITE: (laughs) Wait, FLIRTING?! Cammy, darling, you know how Shaka is with romance! In the baseball diamond of relationships, Virgo Shaka is still in the dugout.
CAMUS: Aphrodite, I swear to Athena, if you ever call me “Cammy” again…
MILO: (to APHRODITE) Now darling, your mommy is under a lot of stress right now. Mommy has a very stressful job and it sometimes makes him say things he doesn’t me-
CAMUS: Milo, I hate you.
APHRODITE: Sweet Athena, how did I turn out so fabulously gorgeous with CAMUS for a mother?!
BETA: Flippertacker?
(SKY and SHAKA sneak in the back, like students coming into class late. Slipping into two empty seats, they high-five under the table at getting away with coming in late. CAMUS suddenly glares at them; he has actually noticed them come in.)
CAMUS: (sarcastic) Shaka and Sky… how good of you to join us. Perhaps you don’t understand the concept of arriving to scheduled meetings promptly so that, I don’t know, YOU ACTUALLY GAIN THE FULL BENEFIT OF THE EXPERIENCE?!
APHRODITE: (annoyed) Yes, where were you?! We’ve been working our tails off in here and you’re just skipping around Athens like you’ve got no responsibilities! If you get to miss these blase meetings, why can’t I?!
BETA: Because you’re a WUSS!!!
APHRODITE: (bitter) Thank you for that blow to my self esteem. I definitely needed an insensitive put-down right about now.
CAMUS: Well, do you two truants have any explanation for your behavior?
SKY: Skittle ran off! We were chasing her!
CAMUS: That cat can run? I thought it was too fat to move!
SKY: IT’S NOT HER FAULT!
CAMUS: I find it hard to believe that it took you several hours to chase an overweight cat. What was she doing, running after the Fancy Feast truck?
SKY: BUT IT’S NOT HER FAULT!!!!
CAMUS: Shaka, your little interviewer isn’t doing a very good job of lying for you. Perhaps you can give me an excuse that sounds remotely plausible.
SHAKA: We were chasing this. (holds up EMMIE)
BETA: Just great. MORE cats.
AIOLOS: That’s my brother’s cat! Where did you find her?!
SHAKA: This cat was sitting in the alleyway between that fancy toast restaurant and a tourist shop. She fights like a demon, let me tell you.
MILO: How would you know what she fights like? Did you ATTACK the cat?
SHAKA: (moves his hair out of his face, as it has been covering the cat scratches) Look at my face and see if you really need to ask either of those questions.
CAMUS: Sweet Athena, I’ve never seen so many Band-Aids on one person in my life.
SKY: We actually had to go buy Band-Aids on the way back here. The cashier seemed pretty freaked out when we bought four boxes, then used them all in one go.
CAMUS: Well then, it turns out that you two did something mildly useful. The meeting hasn’t been very productive, because some of the idiots decided to make paper airplanes.
APHRODITE: (hastily) Then please adjourn it!
CAMUS: What’s with you?
APHRODITE: I’m trapped in a room with two cats, that’s what’s with me! You know I hate cats!
CAMUS: Actually, I didn’t…
BETA: For once, I agree with Wussy Boy. I’m allergic to the derpy little things.
APHRODITE: Then let’s return to the Pisces Temple. Come along, Beta. Let’s not waste any more time in the company of these… cat lovers.
(They exit as the meeting is adjourned.)
(SCENE: The next day, morning. Everybody is assembled in front of the Aquarius Temple. It is time for the investigation to begin. )
CAMUS: All right, everyone. We’re going to search the city from top to bottom.
MILO: Ooh, Camus, can we be investigation buddies?! PleasePleasePleasePlease?!
CAMUS: Fine, all of you grab a partner. We’ll never get anything done if we all just run around solo anyway.
(Everything erupts into pandemonium, just like in a classroom when a teacher says you can pick your partners. SKY hugs SHAKA , clearly claiming him. DEATHMASK wanders over to SAGA, and APHRODITE gives BETA a desperate look. She rolls her eyes and nods. KAGE and AIOLOS are already standing next to each other. ALDEBARAN grabs MU ((literally)), and SHURA crosses his arms sulkily in a corner.)
CAMUS: Well don’t just STAND there- go start looking for clues or whatever!
(Everyone disperses)
CAMUS: I swear, if I make it through this hellish investigation without killing one of my esteemed fellow saints, I’m nominating myself for the Nobel Peace Prize.
(SCENE: The city of Athens, midmorning. SKY and SHAKA are wandering around, looking for clues… or maybe just trying to look busy!)
SKY: It’s no good! We haven’t found any pieces of evidence in the alleyway where we found Emmie! Why do investigations have to be so hard?! On Doctor Who, it’s usually aliens. Why can’t it be that simple?!
SHAKA: If only cats could talk… then perhaps Emmie could give us some useful information.
(suddenly, a young man enters the square, dressed in a lab coat and carrying a large box of supplies. He looks incredibly sad and morose, like he’s about to cry. While SHAKA continues to think, SKY walks over him and sits down)
SKY: Hello! What’s wrong?
MICHAEL FEY: My entire future is up in smoke, that’s what’s wrong!
SKY: Your entire future? What do you mean? Did you flunk your midterms or something?
MICHAEL FEY: (sadly) No. The university rejected my final project! They told me it was the stupidest invention they’d ever seen! My classmates even blew raspberries at me when they saw it! (bursts out crying) It wouldn’t be so bad if I could find a subject to test it! It’s just so hard to find someone willing to donate their cat in order to test it!
SKY: (surprised) Cat? What does this invention do, exactly?
MICHAEL FEY: (morose) It allows you to communicate with cats. Silly, isn’t it.
SKY: (ecstatic) We have a cat hanging around, and communicating with it would help with our investigation! Hey, Shaka! This guy has an invention which would let us interrogate the cat!
SHAKA: (walks over) Excellent. Will you allow us to use your device, Mr….?
MICHAEL FEY: Fey, Michael John Fey. I’m trying to graduate from the Victor Frankenstein Memorial University with a major in Mad Science. Unfortunately, my teachers don’t think my machine is good enough for a final project. I mean, somebody I know built a time machine, for heaven’s sake! If you could perhaps write a recommendation for me, I’d be most grateful.
SKY: Wow, a school that offer mad science as a course! That’s so cool! (smiles) I’m a Time Lord, you know, so I know tons of stuff about science! Call me… The Doctor!
KAGE AND AIOLOS: (riding by on a cute little red Vespa) HER NAME’S SKY!!!!
SKY: (throws a sonic screwdriver, but misses) SHUT UP!!!
SHAKA: Ah, deja vu. (turns to MICHAEL) And my name is Virgo Shaka. Pleased to meet you.
MICHAEL: The device is back in my university dorm room. We’d better get back there before anything happens. This school’s students have a reputation for sabotaging others’ work.
(they walk off in the direction of the university)
(SCENE: The Shelley Dorm Building at Victor Frankenstein Memorial University. MICHAEL, SKY, and SHAKA are standing outside MICHAEL’s dorm room.)
MICHAEL: My roommate is out, so we won’t be disturbed. Do you have the cat with you?
SHAKA: (holds out a squirming backpack) Yes, right here. I’ll remove her when it’s time. Wouldn’t want you to graduate with a face covered in Band-Aids.
MICHAEL: (gives SHAKA’s bandaged face a sidelong glance) So all those cuts aren’t from shaving, then.
SKY: You should have seen him catch her. It was amazing. He dove at her, and they wrestled in the middle of the square. People were actually betting on it, too.
MICHAEL: Yes, it sounds memorable all right! Say, Miss Time Lord, do you think you could help me set up the machine?
SKY: Of course!
(they get to work tightening bolts and suchlike while SHAKA meditates in a corner)
(After a little while, they finish their work. MICHAEL looks towards SHAKA.)
MICHAEL: Shaka? (turns to SKY) Should I… poke him or something?
SHAKA: I wouldn’t try that if I were you. My meditation is not something you should interrupt so callously.
SKY: Shaka does love to sit around in that funny position. It doesn’t look relaxing- just uncomfortable. I tried it once, and it’s really boring. He just sits there silently for hours on end! Seriously, how does he do it?!
SHAKA: Patience and spirituality, two qualities you definitely do not possess.
SKY: Not everyone is cut out for a life of Sainthood, you know. Some of us are just content to be Time Lords.
SHAKA: I would have to agree. Please, Sky, stick to being a Time Lord.
MICHAEL: I’ve tried some meditation myself, sir. It’s not so bad.
SKY: ANOTHER one?! Are you a Virgo, too?
MICHAEL: As it happens, yes. Why do you ask?
SKY: Because Shaka and I are Virgos! That’s about all we have in common, really….
SHAKA: Hmmm… another Virgo. How interesting. If Shiva and Aghora get offed by Bronze Saints, then I certainly know who to call in as potential replacements. Peacock Sky and Lotus Michael… it has an interesting ring to it. (to MICHAEL) Shall I produce the cat now?
MICHAEL: Alright… Although, if those scratches are from her, then maybe you could do with some help.
SHAKA: I appreciate the offer, but no thanks. (opens the bag. EMMIE comes flying out, and attacks SHAKA. He grabs her and struggles to force her into the machine, getting his arms and chest scratched badly in the process.)
MICHAEL: Are you sure you don’t-?
SHAKA: (grunting in effort) If you have such a desire to make yourself useful, then some bandages would be greatly appreciated. I think I’m beginning to share Aphrodite’s hatred of cats…
SKY: If it’s any consolation, I think cats hate you too.
(SHAKA finally manages to get EMMIE inside the machine. He forces the door shut and leans against it, breathing hard)
MICHAEL: Here’s your bandages, and some anesthetic. I’ll just turn the device on while you get yourself patched up, sir.
SKY: I got it! (flips a switch)
(There is a brilliant flash of light and suddenly, an annoyed voice floats out from the machine. It kind of sounds like a bored teenage girl.)
EMMIE: Whoa, what the @#$% is this?! #@!$ blonde guy’s trying to kill me! You %&#@ing #@$%@^#! I’m gonna claw your @$$ so bad, it’s gonna look like it was used as a practice dummy by Inigo #$@%ing Montoya! That’s right, @$$hole, I’m gonna make you feel %$#@ing PAIN!!!
MICHAEL: Ummm… wow. She kind of hates you, sir.
SHAKA: Yes, she certainly does. Perhaps you should question her, Sky. Her response to me might be… less than friendly.
SKY: Okay, here goes. Emmie, what happened to Leo Aiolia?
EMMIE: Master? He was kidnapped! I waited at home for hours, yowling for Master to come home and feed me my dinner! But Master never came, Master was kidnapped by the man with the goats! The man with the goats took my Master! (dissolves into yowling)
MICHAEL: The man with the goats… does that MEAN anything to you?
SHAKA: (shaken) Yes, it certainly does.
SKY: Oh, wow. So that old goatherd guy was the one who kidnapped Aiolia?
EMMIE: MAAAAAASTER!!!!!!!
SHAKA: Perhaps we should get her out of there…
MICHAEL: (flicks switch off) Don’t worry about being scratched again, sir. After using the machine, cats tend to fall asleep. It tires them out.
SHAKA: Truly your invention is a marvellous thing. And you don’t have to call me sir. Just Shaka will do.
MICHAEL: Yes, sir- I mean Shaka.
SKY: (smiling) Before we go, do you think we could put another kitty in the machine?
MICHAEL: I don’t see why not.
SHAKA: Okay, but make it quick. I have a feeling that goatherd isnt going to stop at Aiolia. He was heading towards Sanctuary when last I saw him…
(SKY plops SKITTLE in the machine and MICHAEL fires it up. SKITTLE has a very happy and cheerful-sounding voice.)
SKITTLE: Woo, this is totally fun! I’m not sure what all these lights are or where I am, but I like it! Master, are you out there? Do I get Fancy Feast for dinner tonight?! I loooooove Fancy Feast! And I love that blonde haired guy, too! He’s so nice, and he let me wear his helmet last night! Just casually put it on me! I felt like a Saint cat! This is so cool! It’s so amazing I’m gonna scream! Eeeeek! Wow, my scream sounds funny! I kinda like it, though! WOOOOHOOOOO!
SKY: Skittle!
SKITTLE: Master!
MICHAEL: I don’t really know anymore.
SHAKA: On that the two of us may agree.
(SCENE: Outside the dorms, about noon. SKY is hugging SKITTLE as they prepare to say their goodbyes to MICHAEL FEY.)
SKY: Thank you for letting us use your cat translator thingy!
MICHAEL: It’s really not a problem. It’s great that one of my inventions actually helped somebody for once.
SHAKA: I’ll send the school a recommendation letter as soon as possible.
MICHAEL: Thank you, you have no idea how much this means to me! I wish there was more I could do for you…
SKY: Don’t mention it, you’ve been a great help! Let us know how your project does!
SHAKA: Well then, farewell Michael Fey.
MICHAEL: (sad to see them go) Goodbye, both of you. I hope you catch your goatherd.
(SKY and SHAKA walk away. MICHAEL goes back into the dorms sadly.)
(SCENE: Sanctuary, high noon. SKY and SHAKA walk in to find everyone gone. The place is as silent as a grave.)
SHAKA: Hello, is anybody there?!
SKY: Kage? Beta? Anyone?
(suddenly, SKY sees KAGE standing on the rocks further off and runs over)
SKY: Kage! Where is everybody?! What’s going on?!
KAGE: No, don’t come any closer! He has the others! It’s a-
(suddenly, SKY is grabbed from behind and a scarf soaked in chloroform is pulled over her mouth and nose. She falls unconcious and is dragged away, along with KAGE. SHAKA arrives on the scene a second too late. All he sees is goat hoofprints and the marks from SKY and KAGE’s shoes in the dirt.)
SHAKA: (looking out at the city below Sanctuary, jaw tightening) And so the end begins...
(SCENE: The Victor Frankenstein Memorial University canteen, afternoon. MICHAEL FEY is sitting alone; he isn’t very popular with his fellow students. Suddenly, another young man sits down in front of him. He is AVERY EMERY, and he is MICHAEL’s roommate.)
MICHAEL: (morosely, a bit resigned) Oh, hi Ave. How did the testing go?
AVERY: Considering I arrived back within a few hours, I’d say pretty well. The time travel device worked like a charm.
MICHAEL: So you went back a few hours, or what?
AVERY: (excited to tell the story) Not exactly… Look, I’ll tell you about it in a moment. Just let me go get lunch.
(AVERY walks away to buy food. MICHAEL goes back to sulking; he had hoped that SKY and SHAKA would allow him to help with the investigation. He sighs and looks down at his lunch, not really wanting to eat. While he is philosophically perusing his potatoes, somebody sits down across from him.)
MICHAEL: (not looking up) Lines weren’t long today were they?
SHAKA: I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.
MICHAEL: (looks up in surprise, recognizing SHAKA) Shaka! You’re back! What happened, where’s Sky?
SHAKA: Kidnapped by a goatherd. I have a plan to rescue them, but I’m going to need help.
MICHAEL: (brightening up considerably) Where do we start?
(scene changes)
(SCENE: an underground cavern, time unknown. The GOATHERD is standing at the front of the room with two goats in Spartan helmets standing next to him like guards. Our heroes ((except SHAKA and MICHAEL, of course)) are tied up and surrounded with what appears to be many pinapples with detonators attached.)
GOATHERD: My plan almost complete! When timer get to zero, ha ha! Goodbye Saints!
APHRODITE: (trying to sound heroic) You’ll never get away with this!
BETA: So you have a plan?
APHRODITE: No, I was trying to sound like a character in your American cartoons. We’re all going to die. He’s got us tied up in a vertiable minefield of explosive-packed bromliads. What did you think I could do about it- make a fruit pie?!
SKY: Pineapple pie? Who actually makes that?
AIOLOS: We could all annoy him to death with fruit puns…
MILO: It’s no good- I’ve only got one and it’s bad.
CAMUS: Fire away, one bad pun won’t kill us all.
MU: It can’t be that horrible.
ALDEBARAN: Yeah, hit us with it!
BETA: I have some bad jokes, but none of them involve fruit except the ones we’ve all heard before.
AIOLIA: Well, Milo, let’s hear this horrible pun of yours.
MILO: Okay, here goes. (clears throat) I’ve heard of cherry bombs, but never pineapple dynamite.
CAMUS: I was wrong- that pun has the ability to kill on sight.
MU: Well, I was wrong, too. It was that horrible.
ALDEBARAN: That was weak at best.
KAGE: I’ve got something better, I think. It’s called the “Fruit Bit”. I saw this in a comic book once. (clears throat, switching between a stereotypical male actor voice and a high pitched soprano) Honeydew you love me? No, we canteloupe! Sorry, I read the comic years ago. It’s all I got.
SKY: Hey, I’m bored. What should we do now?
APHRODITE: I have no idea. We can’t move, remember?
GOATHERD: (a little annoyed) You could ask why I do this to you! You want know why you now tied up in room full of pineapple bombs?!
CAMUS: What makes you think we care about your sob story?
MILO: Yeah, it’s probably some crap like you were raised by goats, but then a saint came along and blasted the goats into oblivion and now you hate all saints because they killed your goat family or something.
KAGE: Or your son was dying of some unspecified illness that you conveniently were too poor to get medicine for, probably the Incurable Cough of Death, and his life’s dream was to become a saint. But then, Sanctuary totally rejected him because of his sickness and he died, brokenhearted, shortly after. You loved your son, so you decided you hated saints and they could all burn in Hades.
BETA: Well, either that or you worked as a goatherd for Sanctuary to get the money to buy medicine for your son, but they kept cutting your pay until finally, they fired you completely. You were devastated…
APHRODITE: So you went to the local bar to get a drink. You stayed there for some time. When you returned home, your son’s condition was worsening. You didn’t have the money to bring him to a hospital, so you tended to him as best you could. Suddenly, the saints show up at your doorstep and tell you to go herd some goats for them. You protest, but they order you. So you leave your son and go herd the goats. Your son dies when you’re gone, so you blame the saints.
CAMUS: I say the kid should look just like his dead wife, who, what the heck, also died because of the saints! So, double reason to hate us!
MU: And to top it off, the mother worked for Sanctuary too!
KAGE: But the saints were always flirting with her, and they forced her to work even when she was like eight months pregnant. She gave birth right in the middle of Sanctuary, and nobody tried to help her. She died in that birth, and the baby only barely survived.
BETA: So then, the goatherd has to raise the child alone. The boy used to play with the apprentice saints; he’d even try to replicate their training. But they just laughed at him and told him that weaklings couldn’t become saints.
AIOLOS: So then he just tried even harder, but failed horribly. Everyone was laughing at him. So, he ran away into the bushes and cried. Some gold saints passed by because they had heard what happened and they laughed at him, too!
GOATHERD: Stop! Stop with depressing backstories! I do this because… (smiles creepily) the goats tell me to. I love goats. Goats most high worshipful ones.
SKY: I was NOT expecting that.
DEATHMASK: (scoffs) That’s ridiculous! Whoever heard of GOATS talking to people?! Now squirrels on the other hand… the squirrels never shut up. I can still hear their voices as they skitter around in the walls. Skitter… Skitter…. Skitter...
GOOD SAGA: Deathmask… I think you’re crazy.
EVIL SAGA: Like you’re not?!
GOOD SAGA: Oh shut up.
(Suddenly, SHAKA bursts in, followed by MICHAEL, who is brandishing a robot arm in what he hopes is a threatening manner.)
MICHAEL: Everything you say can and will be used against you in Hell’s Courtroom, so DO PANIIIIIIC!!!!!
(CAMUS swears)
SHAKA: This was NOT the way I planned this.
SKY: Shaka and Michael came to save us!
GOATHERD: Nooooooo!!! You’ll never get away with this! Goats, ATTACK!!!
(goats rush out of all the doorways as the first pineapple bombs begin to explode. MICHAEL tosses the saints a letter opener, and they begin working on their bonds. As they get free, they join in the fight against the goats. The saints use their various techniques, KAGE appears to be using her World Perspectives textbook as a weapon, BETA is commanding an army of guerrilla warfare chickens, and SKY is taking out goats with her sonic screwdriver. Suddenly, more of the pineapple bombs explode and the ceiling of the cavern begins to crack menacingly. Saints, interviewers, and goats all run for the exit. They make it out just in time, diving to the ground as the cavern explodes behind them. It is then that they finally realize where they are.)
SKY: Oh wow.
MICHAEL: Thats gonna cause some questions.
SHAKA: I don’t believe this- we blew up the Parthenon!
MICHAEL: Well, if it’s any consolation, it was held up with a lot of scaffolding before. They might just chalk it up to it being old.
SHAKA: Well, you’re right. It isn’t completely destroyed.
SKY: (notices the GOATHERD running away) Hey, he’s getting away!
(suddenly, SKITTLE runs up and bites him on the leg. He falls.)
GOATHERD: NOOOOOOOOOOO! MY GOATS, SAAAAVE MEEEEEEE!!!!!
(the goats just wander away.)
SKY: Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
MICHAEL: Or in this case, the Parthenon.
(SCENE: Sanctuary, morning of the next day. The Gold Saints and their interviewers are all at a press conference, along with the Silver and Bronze Saints. SAORI KIDO, the reincarnation of the goddess Athena, is trying in vain to cover this up.)
SAORI: I assure you, the Graude Foundation is not responsible for the destruction of the Parthenon, nor were the saints. I hope we can-
KAGE: Let me through! I know what really happened!
BETA: Yeah, we were there!
SKY: This destruction wasn’t caused by the saints. In fact, it was caused by…
(Everyone holds their breath)
ALL THREE GIRLS: (striking a pose like the Ancient Aliens guy) Aliens!
(The reporters go crazy and begin snapping pictures.)
NARRATOR: We are now landing in Boston, right on schedule. Thank you for flying Parody Airline Cinemas, and happy traveling!

This one:
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/le-miiverse-resource/images/f/fd/Ancient-aliens-guy.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20140915005854

Congrats, you've now survived my LEAST favorite interview. This one was really rushed, and I took out so much because it's called The Virgo Interview, not "Random Funny Moments With The Saints and Oh Look, Shaka and Sky are there too." XD
This wasn't my best interview. That's installment three, which will have the first half posted ASAP. I say the first half because it's double the length of the others... -_- Also, that's the Lost Canvas one.

THE WAIT IS OVER. No name editing here because Sky, Beta, and I don't appear here.

NARRATOR: Welcome to the Parody Opera House! Tonight, our players will present for your pleasure a stellar example of the craft- a play which would be winning Tony awards if they existed in the eighteenth century! A play unlike any other you may have seen many, many years in the future. A play so-
(the cast of the past two Virgo Interviews are sitting in the theater, dressed like eighteenth-century peasants and looking bored. )
SKY: I TOLD you we should have stayed home and watched the Doctor Who premiere.
CAMUS: Get on with it!
NARRATOR: Well, excuse me for trying to bring some culture into your dull peasant lives. Doctor Who won’t even be an idea until the 20th century! You’ve got plenty of time to watch it then! Fine, let’s just get on with the show. But if any of you start throwing food, I’m siccing our rabid wolves on you.
KAGE: Isn’t it normally pit bulls you guys sic on people? I thought that was kind of your thing.
NARRATOR: Do you have any idea how hard it is to procure pit bulls in the eighteenth century?! Now close thine mouth. We’re running behind schedule as it is! Roll film!
SKY: Ummm… Mister Narrator? You can’t say that anymore. We’re in Ye Olde times now.
NARRATOR: Oh right. Thank you, Sky. Let the play begin!
(Scene: A meadow, night. Everything is quiet, peaceful, and in general serene. Suddenly, there is a flash of light and what appears to be a WWII-era steel bunker comes flying out of nowhere and lands with a deafening crash. A woman with light blondish hair and green eyes pokes her head out. She is the DOCTOR, and this is her TARDIS.)
DOCTOR: Hmmm… a meadow with normal green grass and no superintelligent monkeys in sight. Good news, everyone! I think we got the planet right this time!
(Another woman with light brown hair pokes her head out. She is ANNABELLE DRAWES, a scientist and renowned astrologer from the modern day.)
ANNABELLE: Yes, this is most definitely Earth. Although, I don’t think we were exactly spot on with the timing...
(there is some pushing and shoving, and a redheaded girl dressed in a frock one might have seen during WWII on a young woman appears. She is KIMBERLEY KASS, a former member of the British military during that time period.)
KIMBERLEY: You’re right. This does NOT look like New York City. (calls back into the TARDIS) Hey, Giorgetta! Come look at this!
(A fourth woman pokes her head out. She has wild brunette hair and large, round glasses and is dressed in a black dress and shawl one might have seen in the Victorian era.)
GIORGETTA: When are we?
DOCTOR: I haven’t the foggiest, Giorgetta. All I know is that it’s definitely not when we are supposed to be. (to ANNABELLE) What’s the situation with the TARDIS?
ANNABELLE: (grimaces) Not good, I’m afraid. There are a lot of repairs that need to be made, and some parts are going to have to be replaced entirely.
GIORGETTA: (worried) Are we stranded again, Doctor?
DOCTOR: (sighing) So it would appear. We should try to find someplace to stay for the night. Staying in the TARDIS while it’s damaged isn’t exactly… safe.
KIMBERLEY: I think I see a town up there. Shall we get going? We can look around to see if they sell any parts we need.
DOCTOR: In a moment. I just need to cover the TARDIS.
(She throws some branches over the time machine, and they walk away)
(SCENE: a road, nighttime. A young man is walking along, minding his own business and not getting in anybody’s way. He has wild light brown hair and resembles Sagittarius Aiolos from the past two interviews. He is SAGITTARIUS SISYPHUS, the Sagittarius gold saint in the eighteenth century. Suddenly, GIORGETTA, who is coming from the other way, bumps into him. She’s run ahead of everybody; GIORGETTA hates being stranded in time. Last time that happened, she was almost killed by Daleks.)
GIORGETTA: (blushing furiously) Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t see you there!
(she keeps running. GIORGETTA is the timid, devastatingly shy one of the group. Basically, she’s the me who never grew up, actually wore her glasses, and stayed a shrinking violet for the rest of her life. Her main companions are her fellow time travelers and countless novels. She doesn’t like to talk to new people, especially men, and has a temper when you push her to the breaking point. Also, GIORGETTA is absolutely terrified of Daleks ever since she was almost killed by them. A young man who she trusted and was very close to actually sold her out to the Daleks in order to save his own hide; hence her mistrust of men in general.)
SISYPHUS: Wait! What’s a girl like you doing out alone at night? Is something wrong?
GIORGETTA: I’m fine, just leave me alone!
SISYPHUS: There’s no need to run away- I won’t hurt you.
GIORGETTA: (scared, not used to men being very persistent with her) P-please, I have important work to do! Just go away!
SISYPHUS: Come on, these roads aren’t so safe at night. All kinds of people might come after you. Walk with me.
GIORGETTA: N-no, I think I’d rather just go on alone.
SISYPHUS: I’m not flirting with you-this is for your own safety! (grabs her wrist)
GIORGETTA: I said, LEAVE ME ALONE! (she shoves him away and runs off, blushing)
SISYPHUS: (climbing up from the ground) Who IS that girl?
(Meanwhile, ANNABELLE is slightly further behind, but still alone. A young man is in a meadow beside the road, lying on his back and looking up the stars. He is PISCES ALBAFICA, the Pisces saint of the eighteenth century. It should be noted that he is nothing like Pisces Aphrodite whatsoever.)
ANNABELLE: (goes over to him) I always loved to stargaze when I was a little girl back home.
ALBAFICA: (startled) Good lord, you surprised me. Where is home exactly, miss?
ANNABELLE: I come from a city far away from here. And yet, from there, I can still see the same stars. It keeps me sane in all this wild traveling I do. My name is Annabelle.
ALBAFICA: Traveling? You speak as if you’ve seen a lot of the world.
ANNABELLE: Yes, I suppose I have. Funny, I chose to travel the way I do because I wanted to see the stars in a new way. And yet, I still take comfort in the fact that they always look the same to me now. I used to know the name of every one of them. But now… I’ve forgotten so much about the heavens and cosmos. Everything has been a blur lately and when you go the places I go, things just get lost in the vortex. (laughs) I must be boring you so.
ALBAFICA: No, your story is really quite interesting. Unfortunately, I cannot stay and listen to the rest of it. There are things I must attend to, and I can’t really linger anywhere with other people for long.
(With a sweep of his coat, and a wave, he is gone. ANNABELLE looks up at the heavens, thinking. She is the soul-searcher who became a companion in order to find herself. Unfortunately, she is having little success. ANNABELLE is a bit of a wanderer by nature; she moves house regularly and travels a lot. She has no real ties to anywhere, and comes and goes as she pleases.)
ALBAFICA: (sighing as he looks back at ANNABELLE) At least you have a home to go back to…
(While this takes place, the DOCTOR is strolling down the road confidently, twirling her sonic screwdriver and thinking about her choice of companions. She is satisfied with her three friends, even if KIMBERLEY often doesn’t listen to her advice. A man is sitting on a rock beside the road, not looking in any particular hurry to go anywhere. He is VIRGO ASMITA, the blind Virgo saint of the eighteenth century.)
DOCTOR: Excuse me, but I saw a town nearby here? Am I going the right way to get there?
ASMITA: Yes.
DOCTOR: Then do you know if I can find a shop where I will be able to buy parts for a… special machine?
ASMITA: That’s unlikely, Doctor.
DOCTOR: How do you know who I am? You aren’t another incarnation of that “Master” fellow, are you?
ASMITA: No.
DOCTOR: Well, somebody’s certainly brimming over with conversation this evening. How do you know me, then?
ASMITA: Because I sense you’re not a human, and I felt your TARDIS crash land here and the souls of your companions adjusting to this century. I sensed nothing from you, nothing to indicate your presence, aside from an irregular double-heartbeat. That is all I “see” of a Time Lord- their two hearts beating. Therefore, you must be the Time Lord who commands the machine and the one who brought it here.
DOCTOR: You... sense?
ASMITA: I cannot see, so I must learn what I can from my other senses. However, they are fallible. To me, you are a spot of darkness with two beating hearts at it’s center. Though you pretend, you are no more human than your TARDIS. (assumes a meditative position) Now, go to the town. You may find shelter there. I, meanwhile, must meditate.
DOCTOR: Well Cheerful, I’ll leave you to it. (strolls away, tossing and catching the sonic screwdriver, catching it by first one end, then the other.)
(The DOCTOR is a relatively young Time Lord; she hasn’t regenerated many times. Leaving Gallifrey long before the fall, she knows very little of her people’s past. Due to this, she doesn’t bear as much sadness as many other Time Lords do, and is in fact quite carefree. She can be a bit cavalier in her efforts to save the universe, and isn’t very reverent of things others find sacred. The DOCTOR believes only what she sees and she’s seen just about everything.)
ASMITA: This mysterious traveler, is she really as blind and closed as she pretends? I must find out…
(Finally, KIMBERLEY is meandering along on her merry way, singing a song that by today’s standards is really quite old, but she has just heard it on the radio back home in London. GEMINI ASPROS and his twin brother DEFTEROS are sitting on a fence. DEFTEROS wears a mask over his mouth and nose, it makes him look almost dangerous and insane. ASPROS, by contrary, looks clean and polished. They appear to be talking and don’t notice KIMBERLEY approach.)
KIMBERLEY: Hello, why so serious, boys? Your world isn’t at war yet, smile while you have the time, I say!
ASPROS: And I say don’t interrupt others when they are having a private conversation!
KIMBERLEY: You shouldn’t be so rude to ladies- it won’t win you their favor.
ASPROS: And you shouldn’t barge in on men when they are otherwise occupied. I don’t know where you come from, but around here, a lady does not throw herself at a man so.
DEFTEROS: Brother… I think she was just trying to say hello.
KIMBERLEY: (notices DEFTEROS’ mask but decides wisely not to comment) Brother? Yes, you two do look a lot alike. Anyway, I wasn’t throwing myself at anybody. What sort of girl do you take me for?
ASPROS: Nevertheless, I don’t like forward women.
KIMBERLEY: (sighs) “Forward”. Funny how that word seems to follow me across the centuries.
ASPROS: I apologize. You seem nice enough, and your intentions were good…
KIMBERLEY: Apology accepted. I’m sorry for butting in.
DEFTEROS: So you’re not from here, I take it?
KIMBERLEY: No, definitely not. My home isn’t as peaceful as this.
ASPROS: Well, Miss Foreigner, I regret to inform you that this place isn’t so peaceful either. A war is beginning- a Holy War.
KIMBERLEY: That doesn’t sound like something my friends and I want to get stuck in. Good thing we won’t be here for long. As soon as we get what we need in town, we’re shipping out. Try to come out of this “Holy War” alive, boys. If this firefight of yours doesn’t end with the apocalypse, maybe we’ll visit again. We can swap stories; I may be just a forward young woman, but I’ve seen some action. Good luck, boys.
(KIMBERLEY walks away. She has seen war and it’s made her appreciate peace. She is the DOCTOR’s newest companion, and is still getting used to traveling through time. KIMBERLEY is tough enough, but still a relatively cheerful person. She believes in fighting for what is right and will gladly take up arms for that reason. Otherwise, she is still a young woman, who despite everything is making the most of her life as a time traveler.)
DEFTEROS: Aspros… she didn’t even stare at my mask.
ASPROS: Yes, I noticed. She’s certainly an interesting woman… but definitely not from around here.
(SCENE: In the town, a small inn. GIORGETTA is sitting quietly at a corner table, reading a novel. The DOCTOR is sitting across from her, still fiddling with her sonic screwdriver. ANNABELLE has gone out to search for a parts shop and KIMBERLEY hasn’t arrived yet.)
DOCTOR: Oh, by the way, I met somebody on the way here. Some guy.
GIORGETTA: (half-listening) Oh?
DOCTOR: He was just plopped down on the side of the road. I walked over to him and we talked. Look, long story short, he knew about the Time Lords. Said he “sensed” the TARDIS crash land.
GIORGETTA: (fully paying attention, a little scared) What do you think- alien?
DOCTOR: Not your average human, I’ll tell you that. Don’t worry, I don’t think Daleks are involved this time. They would have been blasting us into oblivion by now. Davros’ forces aren’t ones to wait around.
GIORGETTA: (more at ease) That also eliminates Sontarans and Cybermen. Anything with laser weapons and a penchant for shooting at us with reckless abandon is out, really.
DOCTOR: Could be anything else, really. So long as our mystery man doesn’t try to kill us or go after the TARDIS, I assume we’re fine.
GIORGETTA: (closes her book) I saw somebody rather unusual as well. He was acting very worried that I was out alone at night. I ran off- he was beginning to creep me out. You know… (she shudders) he kind of looked like Reginald.
DOCTOR: Your betrothed from back in the Victorian era? Come on, Getta, you can’t keep panicking like this. Reginald is long gone. You need to stop worrying about him.
GIORGETTA: (sighs, pushing her glasses up her nose) You’re right. I should just move on.
(Suddenly, SISYPHUS walks in and sits down.)
GIORGETTA: That’s him.
DOCTOR: He looks nothing like Reginald! (gets up) Come on, let’s go say hello. We can ask him when we are.
(GIORGETTA reluctantly follows her as she walks over to SISYPHUS)
DOCTOR: Hello, can you please tell us what century this is?
SISYPHUS: E-excuse me? (notices GIORGETTA) Ah, my standoffish and unexpectedly strong young miss. I see you made it here safely after all.
GIORGETTA: I-I’m sorry for that. It’s just- you resemble a man who wronged me greatly in the past.
SISYPHUS: (smiles) Well, I apologize for my face, then. My name is Sisyphus. And you are…?
GIORGETTA: Oh- I- I’m Giorgetta. It’s nice to meet you. Sisyphus… wasn’t he the king in Greek mythology who was condemned in Tartarus to forever attempt to roll a large boulder up a steep hill? But then, just as he gets to the top, it rolls back down and he has to start over?
SISYPHUS: Well, that’s quite dark. Maybe I should change my name…
GIORGETTA: No, it’s a nice name, it just belonged to an unfortunate person.
(The DOCTOR is sitting at the next table over, despairing at ever finding out which century it is. ANNABELLE walks in and throws a look at SISYPHUS and GIORGETTA. )
ANNABELLE: We’re in the eighteenth century, the era without any useful TARDIS-repairing technology, and Giorgetta is chatting up the locals?! I don’t believe this- did you sonic her brain or something?!
DOCTOR: Believe it or not, I did nothing. She just talked to him. (realizing what ANNABELLE just said) Wait- the EIGHTEENTH century?!
ANNABELLE: Yes. Bloody awful, isn’t it?
DOCTOR: You don’t know the half of it. This entire century is a ticking time bomb ready to explode into two revolutions. Plus, something tells me there’s other things we need to be worrying about as well
(Suddenly, KIMBERLEY walks in)
KIMBERLEY: Bad news everybody, I was talking to one of the locals. Apparently, there’s a “Holy War” coming. Annabelle, I hope you got the parts we need.
ANNABELLE: (groans) We CAN’T get the parts we need- this is the eighteenth century!
KIMBERLEY: (surprised) That far back? I knew we were many years away from where we were going to, but I didn’t think we missed the mark by several centuries.
DOCTOR: It’s odd, too. One moment we were on course, the next it was almost like something was wresting control out of my hands. The TARDIS has never behaved like that before. It’s like she wanted to come here in particular. Something… called to us, I guess you could say.
ANNABELLE: I’ve got to say it- I don’t like this situation one bit. A war coming and we can’t fix the TARDIS to get out of there. This is the Blitz all over again.
KIMBERLEY: Now, now. Don’t forget- you saved my life on that trip. The bomb was seconds away from landing on my flat. If you hadn’t shown up when you did, there wouldn’t be enough left of me to bury in an envelope.
DOCTOR: True, but I don’t like the sound of this “Holy War”. Our primary focus should be getting out of here.
(suddenly, GIORGETTA walks over)
GIORGETTA: Please tell me I didn’t hear that we’re in the eighteenth century and we can’t find the parts necessary for repairs.
KIMBERLEY: ‘Fraid so, Casanova.
GIORGETTA: (blushes a deep crimson red) He’s just a nice boy is all- I’m not in love with him!
ANNABELLE: Well, maybe your new boyfriend knows something about this “Holy War”. It would be useful if we could find SOME information on-
(she stops, noticing something. ALBAFICA has just walked in and stolen her attention.)
ANNABELLE: Oh, it’s him.
GIORGETTA: It’s who?
ANNABELLE: Oh, just some guy I met on the road.
KIMBERLEY: Did anything about him seem odd?
ANNABELLE: Well, yes. We were getting along well, and then he suddenly had to dash off.
KIMBERLEY: Funny, I also met two odd guys on the way here. They mentioned a “Holy War”. It’s weird, but I feel like something’s going on here.
DOCTOR: You’re right, I think all these strange men are connected somehow.
(Suddenly, ASPROS and DEFTEROS walk in, followed by ASMITA)
KIMBERLEY: Hey, that’s them!
GIORGETTA: Is that by chance the guy you met, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Why yes! That’s Smiley, all right. Sure is looking joyful today. Yup, just exploding with goodwill and happiness, ready to share his cheery nature with us all.
GIORGETTA: I’m guessing you two don’t exactly like each other.
DOCTOR: Well, don’t expect me to deny it. He acts like he knows me, and the Time Lords, too. It’s just a little unsettling that this man I’ve never met before knows everything about me.
ANNABELLE: Could they perhaps be from the Time War?
DOCTOR: No, I don’t think so. He knew me personally, and I left Gallifrey many, many years before the Time War. We can’t have met there.
KIMBERLEY: Was he somebody we saved, then?
DOCTOR: No, I don’t think so. I never forget those we’ve helped in out travels, and he definitely isn’t one of them. However, it’s strange either way. Suddenly, I want very much to know who this man is…
(Meanwhile, over at a table further away, the gold saints are conferring. SISYPHUS has joined them. DEFTEROS is sitting further away; the saints do not acknowledge him.)
SISYPHUS: They’re mostly just young girls. I don’t see how they could be involved in this.
ALBAFICA: All I’m saying is that they seem to act very odd. The one with the long brown hair- she acts as though she’s traveled more than just the earth.
ASMITA: I told you- the leader is a Time Lord! She’s of a race known to bring death wherever they go. I believed all of them had killed each other off in the Great Time War. Apparently, I was wrong. Forget odd- your “young girls” are dangerous, Sisyphus.
ASPROS: (laughs) Time Lords! A race of death-bringing time travelers! Do we look like children which you can scare with your far-fetched stories, Asmita?
SISYPHUS: (annoyed) Show some deference, Aspros! He could be right, although I still can’t believe a shy girl like Giorgetta could fall in with somebody like that.
ASPROS: You BELIEVE him?! If Asmita told you that hurling all of us off a cliff into the ocean with rocks tied to our feet was the only way to save humanity, would you believe him then, too?!
SISYPHUS: (angry, jumping up from his chair) Why I should-!
ALBAFICA: (quietly, to SISYPHUS) If you’re going to take a shot at him, I won’t dissuade you, but not here. Now, sit down. (SISYPHUS nods reluctantly as ALBAFICA turns to the other saints) As far-fetched as it sounds, Asmita did sense something. Whether or not it was actually a…
(looks at ASMITA) What did you say the machine was?
ASMITA: I’ve heard it called a “TARDIS”.
ALBAFICA: Whether or not it was actually a TARDIS is up for debate. (ASPROS and SISYPHUS glare at each other) Note that I said “debate”, Sagittarius, not “fistfight”. I suggest we try to find the site where-
(Suddenly, there is a deafening crash and a flash of light outside. The DOCTOR jumps up and runs to the door, followed by her companions. The saints are close behind, and they all burst through the door. The gold saints actually come close to knocking it off it’s hinges in their haste. Outside, a young man is standing in a crater. He is wearing a bizarre-looking silver gauntlet/vambrace/band thing on his upper arm. It is covered with knobs and dials, and many wires are protruding from it, which he is feverishly adjusting. This is AVERY EMERY, time traveling grad student.)
AVERY: Ugh, this isn’t good. Come on, I tested this in the lab, something can’t have shorted out after one journey! Come on, work!
DOCTOR: (surprised) Another time traveler?!
AVERY: (breathing hard, one hand over where his heart would be) Oh god, I didn’t think it would be like this the first time…. I thought...
(he faints, the screen on the gauntlet is flashing. It’s measuring AVERY’s heart rate, and he’s flatlining. The words “cardiac arrest” are flashing across the screen.)
DOCTOR: (kneeling down beside him, pulling out the sonic screwdriver) Hang in there, we’ll have you on your feet in a moment.
(she uses the screwdriver as a sort of shock paddle, trying desperately to reawaken AVERY)
ASPROS: What are you doing?! Have you no respect for the dead?!
DOCTOR: I’m perfectly qualified to do this- I’m a doctor!
(AVERY awakens, gasping for breath)
AVERY: The device didn’t work- how am I alive?
DOCTOR: Well, I restarted your heart, my friend.
(suddenly, AVERY looks very worried)
AVERY: M-my heart? As in, only one?!
DOCTOR: Why, how many have you got?
AVERY: Two, the same as any other Time Lord! You should know that, you’re of my kind!
DOCTOR: (surprised) You’re a Time Lord?!
(she sonics AVERY’s other heart and he begins to relax)
AVERY: Yes, I am. My TARDIS crash landed on earth in the 21st century, and I regenerated. Unfortunately, the damage was done- the machine was irreparable. I had no means of creating a new device to travel with. Luckily, I heard about the Victor Frankenstein Memorial University. Its laboratories were some of the most advanced in the world. By enrolling myself as a student, I posed as a human while building this gauntlet. It contains parts from the core of my TARDIS, and the same traveling power. I call it the TARDIS Mark II.
DOCTOR: That’s very interesting indeed. I’ve never seen anyone make a wearable TARDIS before. Unfortunately, using that thing, you’re exposed to the time vortex directly.
AVERY: Yes, that’s why your services with the screwdriver were greatly appreciated. I need to find a way to use it without killing myself in the process. (smiles) Oh, I’m so sorry. Where ARE my manners? As a human in the university, they called me Avery Emery. I confess I’ve grown to like it, so if you would call me that, it would be appreciated.
DOCTOR: Well then, Avery Emery, call me the Doctor. I happen to be stranded in this bothersome century. My TARDIS is in need of repairs. Would you care to help me get myself out of here?
AVERY: But of course! Consider it repayment for saving my life.
GIORGETTA: I’m Giorgetta, one of her companions. It’s nice to meet you, Avery.
ANNABELLE: And I’m Annabelle. We were beginning to think that the Doctor was the last of the Time Lords.
KIMBERLEY: Kimberley Kass, British Secret Service. It’s a pleasure to make you acquaintance.
(The saints have been watching this with great interest. ASPROS looks stunned, and SISYPHUS is trying hard not to smirk at him. ALBAFICA looks cautious, standing far back from everything. ASMITA walks over to the DOCTOR.)
DOCTOR: Oh hello Cheerful. What prophecy of doom will you spout for us today?
ASMITA: A little respect would be appreciated, Doctor. I sense that Avery Emery is not the only one who has recently arrived in this century.
DOCTOR: I just realized, we’ve never been properly introduced. You know who I am, but I have no idea where you fit into all this.
ASMITA: I am known as Virgo Asmita. That is all the information you need.
DOCTOR: You seem pretty keen on helping me- warning me about things and the like.
ASMITA: Don’t thank me. I know your kind- where a Time Lord goes, trouble and death surely follow. I merely wish to get you and your acquaintances out of this century as quickly as possible. Otherwise, who knows what havoc you will wreak on these innocent people?
KIMBERLEY: (stepping forwards, angry) Hey, now! The Doctor has saved the universe millions of times! Do you really call that “wreaking havoc”, Mr. Virgo Asmita?!
ANNABELLE: Believe me, we’d like NOTHING better than to get out of your incredibly long and stunningly well-cared for hair. Who gave you the right to judge our motives, anyway?
ASPROS: Clearly, you people are dangerous. Whatever your agenda is, I want no part of it.
GIORGETTA: “Agenda”? That makes us sound like criminals!
SISYPHUS: You might as well be for all we know! I agree with Asmita- maybe it’s best if you try to get out of here as quickly as possible!
GIORGETTA: Oh, I see how it is. Just because I fight for a Time Lord, ooh, Sisyphus doesn’t want to associate with me anymore! Wouldn’t want to disagree with Asmita, would we?
ALBAFICA: Please, everyone, just stop it! You’re acting like children!
(nobody hears him, they’re all yelling at each other. KIMBERLEY has her fists raised like she’s going to punch ASPROS. ANNABELLE is berating him as well. GIORGETTA is glaring at SISYPHUS, tears in her eyes, and the DOCTOR is arguing heatedly with ASMITA. AVERY is holding his head; all the yelling is giving him a headache. Suddenly, somebody’s voice pierces all the other noise with it’s commanding tone. Enter Aquarius Degel.)
DEGEL: STOOOOOOOOP!!!!
(everyone freezes)
DEGEL: I come here for a serious discussion and find you all arguing with GIRLS?!
ASPROS: Girls?! More like witches! That one there is a Time Lord, and the young man too! They’re dangerous!
DEGEL: Time Lords?! Here?!
AVERY: Yes. The Doctor crashed her TARDIS here and mine is, shall we say… still in the prototype phase?
DEGEL: And did you arrive recently?
AVERY: I only just got here.
DEGEL: Then she followed you…
AVERY: SHE?! (his eyes widen in terror, and he starts breathing hard)
DEGEL: Yes, the one who pursued you in the 21st century followed you here. Come with me. She’s after you.
(everyone looks confused)
DOCTOR: Can you maybe run this by us again? Like, from the beginning without assuming we already know what you’re talking about.
ASMITA: Yes, I think that may be helpful.
DEGEL: Your friend is being pursued by a woman with a time machine like yours. She followed him to this century, and he is in grave danger.
DOCTOR: Oh god… that Time Lord is still alive?!
ASMITA: You know of this person?
DOCTOR: But it’s impossible- they’re dead, I saw them die!
ASMITA: Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t your kind have a way to keep from dying? They call it… regeneration, is that right?
DOCTOR: Yes, but I didn’t think they regenerated in time! Too bad I was wrong…
DEGEL: There’s no time to lose- I’m taking this one back to Sanctuary. The rest of you, find this rogue Time Lord and stop them dead in their tracks.
(He runs off, dragging AVERY with him)
DOCTOR: The best thing to do would probably be breaking off and searching in teams.
ASMITA: How about this? Clearly, you don’t trust us and I can’t say the feeling isn’t mutual. So, in order to make sure nobody tries to gang up on anybody else, we go in pairs. One saint, one companion.
DOCTOR: Let me just discuss this with the girls…
(they huddle up further away)
GIORGETTA: Saints?
DOCTOR: Yes, the saints of Athena. Basically, a bunch of powerful guys in armor.
ANNABELLE: Are they trustworthy?
KIMBERLEY: Yes, how sure are you that these “saints” won’t stab us in the back the moment they get the chance?
DOCTOR: They trust us about as much as we trust them. So long as we don’t make a move, the won’t either, and vice versa.
KIMBERLEY: If you’re sure, then I’ll go with Aspros and Defteros.
DOCTOR: Defteros?! There’s another one?
KIMBERLEY: He’s harmless, I think. Either way, I can handle them both.
GIORGETTA: I guess… I’ll go with Sisyphus. He seems nice enough, and I want a chance to apologize to him for before. It just slipped out, and I never meant to be so mean to him.
ANNABELLE: Then I’ll take the shy one. I’d like to talk to him.
DOCTOR: So that leaves me with Asmita. (sarcastic) Thanks, companions!
(Meanwhile, the saints are having a similar conversation)
ASPROS: I’ll go with that Kimberley girl. I’m not touching that Time Lord with a ten foot pole.
ASMITA: That’s good, because I’m going to keep watch on her personally…
SISYPHUS: She probably won’t have me, but I’ll go with Giorgetta.
ALBAFICA: (smiles) She’s a lucky woman.
SISYPHUS: (blushes) It’s not what you think!
ALBAFICA: Of course not, Casanova. That leaves me with Annabelle. I hope there aren’t any hard feelings between us… she’s such a nice girl.
ASMITA: (walks over to the DOCTOR) Well, Miss Time Lord?
DOCTOR: I’m dealing with you personally, Virgo. What do you say to that?
ASMITA: Perfect. What are your companions’ preferred arrangements?
GIORGETTA: Umm…
ANNABELLE: She wants to be partnered with Sisyphus. (SISYPHUS tries not to look too happy as he walks over. ANNABELLE elbows him in the ribs as he passes) Now listen here, mister. If I hear about you doing anything dishonorable to Giorgetta, I will personally make sure that green haired man with the glasses kills you on the spot.
SISYPHUS: You’re going to sic DEGEL on me? What are you, Giorgie’s father?
ANNABELLE: GIORGIE?! Just you listen here, young man…
ALBAFICA: (leaping in between them, grabbing ANNABELLE rather forcefully. She strains against his hold, trying to go after SISYPHUS.) And you’re with me! Please don’t kill the Sagittarius saint…
ANNABELLE: All right, but if he does anything to Giorgetta…
ALBAFICA: Then I will personally make sure he is reprimanded. Now, let’s just step away from Sisyphus and put down that rock…
ANNABELLE: Okay… but I’m watching you, mister.
KIMBERLEY: Then I’ll take Aspros and Defteros.
ASPROS: (looks uncomfortable at the mention of DEFTEROS) Actually, my brother will not be joining us…
KIMBERLEY: Why, are you just going to leave him there in that tavern? All alone?
ASPROS: He’ll manage.
KIMBERLEY: (walking off towards the tavern) You really are a terrible brother. I have a little sister, and I’d never leave her alone like this!
(inside the tavern, DEFTEROS is sitting alone. Everyone is giving him a wide berth because of his mask. Suddenly, three men who had been sitting at the bar saunter over and decide to begin harrassing him)
JERK #1: Hey, why are you wearing that mask, huh?
JERK #2: Yeah, do ya bite or something?
JERK #3: What’sa matter, don’t you know how to talk under that thing?
(DEFTEROS doesn’t respond. The first man, clearly the ringleader, smashes his glass over DEFTEROS’ head to get his attention. Suddenly, he stiffens. There is a gun pressed to the back of his neck.)
KIMBERLEY: I could end your worthless life right now with just a simple finger movement. You’ve never seen a weapon like this, have you? Let me show you what it does.
(she shoots a beer mug off the bar, shattering it)
KIMBERLEY: At this range, my bullet will probably do the same to your head. Now, do you want that?
(the first man shakes his head feverishly)
KIMBERLEY: (turning to the other two) Does that go for you as well?
(they also shake their heads, looking very, very scared.)
KIMBERLEY: Good. Now beat it!
(they do, running out of the tavern like scared rabbits)
KIMBERLEY: Are you okay?
DEFTEROS: Yes… thank you.
KIMBERLEY: I hate men like that. Unfortunately, my century is full of them- people who act like bullying jerks just to get attention. I should know, many of them were acting like that for me. Kicking people to the curb just because you can- why is that supposed to impress a girl?!
DEFTEROS: My brother was just going to leave me, wasn’t he? I heard everything through the window. But you came back. Why?
KIMBERLEY: Begging pardon, but your brother is an arse. I don’t want to be alone with him. Plus, you seem like a very kind and good person. I didn’t just want to leave you at the mercy of people like that.
DEFTEROS: Why would you do that? You barely know me!
KIMBERLEY: Because being a sibling is like making a pact. You’ve got to be there for your brother or sister no matter what. I have a little sister back home. She annoys me sometimes, but if she ever gets into trouble, I’ll come running. If Aspros doesn’t do that for you, then, that’s when your friends step in. In this case, me.
DEFTEROS: You’d do that for me?
KIMBERLEY: Well, you seem like a nice enough guy.
(They stand there together for a while, not knowing what to say.)
DEFTEROS: Perhaps we should join my brother…
KIMBERLEY: Pity, I’d love to keep him waiting in the cold. Well, let’s go. The sooner we find this mystery woman, the better.
(They walk out of the tavern. Everyone else has already left. The scene switches briefly to each pair, then finally settles on DEGEL and AVERY. As they’re running, AVERY is thinking to himself.)
AVERY: (to himself) Please, Doctor. Please hurry and find her. Until you do, we are all in grave danger.
NARRATOR: And that’s act one! Please visit Ye Olde concession stand- we have real concessions left over from the eighteenth century!
(the audience moans and boos him off the stage)
END ACT 1

CAMUS: Hello again and welcome back to the Parody Opera house, where our players are still presenting a stellarly low-budget, half-baked example of the craft- a play so mind bogglingly dull that nobody in their right mind would nominate it for Tony awards, even if they did exist in the eighteenth century. A play that’s just basically a ripoff of two movies that you probably watched not long ago. A play so-
NARRATOR: (sitting in the audience) Boo! Get on with it! Get off the stage, ya nut!
CAMUS: Come on, I wasn’t that harsh! Cut me some slack!
NARRATOR: Well it makes me feel awful when you all yell at me like that! And you’re the worst, always being so sarcastic, never just listening appreciatively- you’re such a philistine!
CAMUS: Fine, fine. I’m the villain here. Just start the play already!
NARRATOR: But I haven’t given my signature death threats about leaving the theater!
CAMUS: (reciting in a monotone) If you leave the theater for any reason, you die. There you go.
NARRATOR: Oh sure, take all the joy out of my life, why don’t you? Fine, let the play begin!
(SCENE: Another part of the town, an alleyway. Suddenly, the DOCTOR pokes her head around a corner, and whips out her sonic screwdriver, which she uses to scan the area)
ASMITA: You know, I’m basically psychic. You don’t need to use that thing.
DOCTOR: You use your magical galaxy saint of Athena mind powers, I’ll stick with my technology.
ASMITA: Despite everything, you still don’t trust me?
DOCTOR: Honestly, no. You were pretty vocal in showing you hate Time Lords.
ASMITA: I was simply telling the truth- what makes you think I was trying to show hatred for you particularly?
DOCTOR: (bitterly) You say Time Lords bring death. Is this all we are to you- coldhearted villains who destroy worlds without a care? Would you say that if you returned to Gallifrey after the fall with the task of burying family, friends, enemies, and complete strangers together in one mass grave? If everyone you cared about died in a war you could have helped them fight, do you really think you would act any different? I was the last one, the only mourner of an entire species, coldly exterminated. Some of those who died were children, Asmita! Are they murderers as well? Every Time Lord who died at the fall was something special to somebody else. Somebody’s lover, or child, or parent, or mentor. Every one of them. Remember this, Asmita- there are some things even you cannot see. We’re just two heartbeats to you. Two meaningless heartbeats. But if you could see our kind, you’d know- we are living beings. We are living beings who were coldly slaughtered. And yet, you call us killers. You call us murderers, the ones who were murdered! Asmita-!
ASMITA: (jaw tightening) Yes… I can see them now.
DOCTOR: You can see what?!
ASMITA: Everything…
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
ASMITA: The fall, the bodies, you, everything. (lets out a shuddering breath) I was wrong. You’re not killers.
DOCTOR: Asmita…
ASMITA: You… buried them all. I can see it. I’m so sorry. Doctor, I’m- (he falls silent, and turns his face away so she can’t see the tears on his cheeks) You’re alone. The last of the Time Lords...
DOCTOR: (notices the tears, hastily trying to cheer him up ) I’m not alone! I have the companions- and Avery! Yes, the Time Lords are gone, but I have my friends, don’t I?
ASMITA: (still immersed in the DOCTOR’s memories) All alone in your time machine, traveling the cosmos but never really sharing any of it with anyone…
DOCTOR: (frantic, realizing what she needs to do) Asmita, listen to me! Look further forwards- look at the time I saved Giorgetta from the Daleks! Look at when Annabelle helped us beat the Cybermen in New York City! And when Kimberley joined us- the bomb was going to fall on her apartment, but we pulled her into the TARDIS just in time! There’s happiness there too- you just have to look for it!
ASMITA: (smiling slightly) You’re right. You did find happiness more recently… that’s good. I was getting worried.
DOCTOR: Sorry you had to see all that, Virgo. Try not to get too lost in my mind, okay? I can handle anything that’s in there.
ASMITA: Think nothing of it, Doctor. You could say I’ve been blind in more ways than one.
DOCTOR: (changing the subject) Now, about this person we’re looking for. I have a confession to make- I know this one.
ASMITA: Yes, I think I saw a past incarnation of the one we’re seeking in your memories. Their name… they called themselves The Master.
DOCTOR: I didn’t expect this- looks like everyone’s being dragged into Time Lord affairs. I’m sorry your lives are going to be put on the line for us.
ASMITA: It’s perfectly alright. I, for one, am willing to help you. Whether or not the others will is their decision. But I’ll gladly stand by you and your companions.
DOCTOR: I only hope I won’t need to place anyone in too much danger…
(They walk away side by side, like friends. Their relationship is improving as saint and Time Lord grow to understand each other.)
(SCENE: ANNABELLE and ALBAFICA are at the gates of the town, taking a break from searching. The search has been mostly conducted in silence, with the occasional necessary piece of conversation between them. In short, everything’s coming up awkward.)
ANNABELLE: You know, I never did catch your name…
ALBAFICA: Oh, right. My name is Albafica. I never did properly introduce myself, did I?
ANNABELLE: We’ve all had other things on our minds, it’s fine. (runs a hand through her long hair) God, we haven’t made any progress at all. I’m never going to get out of this century…
ALBAFICA: Yes, I remember you saying you’re a traveler. Don’t like staying in one place for too long, do you?
ANNABELLE: You could say that. It sounds kind of weird, but I like it- not belonging anywhere, not really calling anyplace home officially. It feels kind of special. True, others miss me when I move on, but I don’t really look back much. It’s fun to see the world, to have lived just about everywhere. I know it’s crazy, but it’s nice not to belong. It makes me different from the rest of the world.
ALBAFICA: Well then, you must be my complete opposite. All I’ve ever wanted is a place to truly belong. My parents vanished when I was a child, and I was left to wander the world. When I arrived at the Pisces Temple, I finally thought I’d found the place where I really could fit in. Unfortunately, my mentor, Pisces Lugonis, died and I was left alone again. Since the curse of the Pisces saint is to have our blood become the same poison that makes our roses so deadly, I can never truly become close to somebody. Eventually, they’ll just die from the poison. It’s inevitable, so there’s no point in trying to change it. I’m always going to be on the outside looking in, for others’ sakes.
ANNABELLE: (taken aback at his suddenly confession) I… wow, geez. I had no idea.
ALBAFICA: It’s alright, there was no way you could have known.
ANNABELLE: (looking slightly sad) You’re right, I guess…
ALBAFICA: (smiles only a little melancholically) Don’t let my problems drag you down, Annabelle. It’s my burden to bear; you don’t have to worry about it.
ANNABELLE: Oh… Alright.
(she sighs and turns away)
(SCENE: Near the church in the center of the city. KIMBERLEY and DEFTEROS are talking as they search. ASPROS is off alone among the graves. Suddenly, a noise is heard; a shout of anger. SISYPHUS bursts into the square.)
ASPROS: What are YOU doing here?! You’re supposed to be searching the southern part of the city!
SISYPHUS: She took her- that woman that we’re after has Giorgetta!
KIMBERLEY: (shocked) She just took her?! How could you just let that happen- you saints are supposed to be powerful!
SISYPHUS: (anguished) She ran off alone to check out a lead. Then, all I heard was her scream. That woman pulled her into an alleyway. It was a dead end; I’d been in that alley a million times. And yet, when I ran to follow her, she was gone. She was gone, and she took your friend with her.
ASPROS: (angry) Congratulations, Sisyphus. This alliance was volatile enough before you let that girl get captured. Now, we’ll never get out of this alive- our friend the Time Lord will take care of that.
KIMBERLEY: Giorgetta…
DEFTEROS: (lays a hand on KIMBERLEY’S shoulder) I’m sorry. I know she was your friend.
KIMBERLEY: Giorgetta was the one who saved my life. The bomb was about to fall, and then I looked out of my window and she was there, in the TARDIS and she yelled “grab my hand”. I did, and she pulled me out of my flat just in time. I owe her everything. If this person that the Doctor believes is so dangerous, and she’s been captured, then I have to do something. Giorgetta is one of my best friends. She’s the one of us who despite everything seems to make people smile. Even when things look bleak and she’s frankly scared out of her mind, then she manages to keep everyone together. We have to save her! That’s why I’m going after this rogue Time Lord- with or without you saints.
(she’s about to dash away, when DEFTEROS grabs her hand. With the other hand, he starts working on the buckles of his mask. Eventually, he gets them undone and it falls to the pavement, discarded.)
DEFTEROS: I don’t know about the saints, but I’m willing to help you… if you’ll have me.
SISYPHUS: I’m coming as well. You gave me her to protect, and I was unable to do that. Let me redeem myself, or die trying.
ASPROS: Kimberley, I know the two of us have had a bit of a rocky start, but I want to help you as well. Consider me a part of this.
KIMBERLEY: Thank you, all of you. I don’t think any of us will have to “die trying”, though. With us four, we’ll succeed.
(suddenly, ASMITA and the DOCTOR walk into the square)
DOCTOR: Make that six, Kim.
KIMBERLEY: (taken aback) Six?
ASMITA: Yes, six. Is there a problem with that?
KIMBERLEY: But I thought you hated Time Lords…
ASMITA: I was wrong in my assessment of them. You could say I learned to see things through their eyes.
(suddenly, two more voices sound from the entrance to the square.)
ANNABELLE: You weren’t really thinking of going to save Giorgetta without us, were you?
ALBAFICA: Is there room for two more?
KIMBERLEY: Yes, of course there is. That means everyone’s on board… I never expected you all to step up like that. Doctor, what’s the plan?
DOCTOR: (businesslike) Well, this is it, ladies. Oh, and men. Sorry, I’m used to a TARDIS full of girls. If we go down, then we all go down together. This person, the Master, she’s devious. Defeating her won’t be easy. I’m going to need all of you to listen to me. Before you all do anything, I’m going in there to try to reason with her. If I can’t, then you attack. This is my enemy, and when it comes to her, I have the final say. Do I make myself clear?
(they all nod, and leave the square.)
(Meanwhile, at the Aquarius Temple, DEGEL wakes up on the floor. There is a note lying on the ground next to him.)
DEGEL: (grabs his glasses, reading aloud) “Degel, I’m sorry, but I drugged your food. By the time you read this, it will already be too late. The Master has followed me to this century, which means anyone who stands in her way is doomed. I can’t let you stick out your neck for me, especially after we’ve barely met. So, I’m giving myself up to her, rather than risk any loss of life. Again, I apologize for drugging you. You would never have allowed it any other way. Don’t come looking for me, for your own safety. Good luck in all your future endeavours, and godspeed. Signed, Avery Emery.” I don’t believe this, is he crazy?! That woman will most certainly kill him and then move on to the others! (grabs his helmet as he runs out the door) That foolish boy!
(SCENE: The MASTER’s TARDIS, night. AVERY is slumped over in a corner, a wound on his forehead bleeding profusely. GIORGETTA is lashed tightly to a railing, and looks utterly spent.)
THE MASTER: Had enough yet, little companion?
GIORGETTA: (says something she definitely didn’t learn in the Victorian era. )
THE MASTER: Now, that isn’t very courteous. No matter, I’ve gotten all I needed from you. I suppose I can just dispose of you now.
(the DOCTOR bursts in)
DOCTOR: Not so fast, Master!
THE MASTER: Ah yes, you’re here too. I can dispose of both you and that worthless Avery Emery in one fell swoop! You’ve done exactly what I wanted!
DOCTOR: I’ll never let you hurt my companions- or Avery! Your grudge is with me, not them!
THE MASTER: Of course I have a grudge with them! This little girl is the reason that Kimberley Kass didn’t die in the Blitz! And Avery, don’t make me laugh. Killing him would be doing the Time Lord species a favor. He’s weak!
DOCTOR: And what’s so important about Kimberley?!
THE MASTER: She told you she was a member of the British Secret Service. But she never said what branch, did she?
DOCTOR: (shocked) Kimberley works for-?
THE MASTER: Yes, you’re right. Your precious little companion is an agent of Torchwood.
DOCTOR: Kimberley…
THE MASTER: (laughs coldly) And it looks like she’s joined us. Come on out, Kimmy darling. We know you’re here.
(KIMBERLEY steps out from behind a column, holding a pistol. She won’t meet the DOCTOR’s eyes)
KIMBERLEY: As an agent of Torchwood, it’s my job to ensure you don’t get away with this, Master. I had to follow you, and Giorgetta was my ticket. Don’t blame her for what she did; she thought she was saving the life of a civilian. Now let her go.
THE MASTER: Why do you care so much?
KIMBERLEY: She’s an innocent. I’m supposed to protect innocents from people like you. If she died for me, now what kind of Torchwood agent would I be? My job is to fight alien threats, not sit by and twiddle my thumbs while they go about their plans.
THE MASTER: (smiles) Then I’ll get rid of one more.
(She turns, pulling a gun out of a shoulder holster, and shoots the DOCTOR. KIMBERLEY is about to shoot, but The MASTER kicks the gun out of her hands. Suddenly, everyone dashes into the main control room. Unfortunately, they are cut off from the prisoners, as the platform they are on ends abruptly over the abyss of control systems and mechanical parts.)
ASMITA: Doctor, we heard- (sees her lying on the floor) Oh god…
THE MASTER: Oh, who’s this? I want one!
GIORGETTA: (crying) Are you satisfied now?! You’ve killed one of the few members of your species that’s left! Do you want to be the last of the Time Lords? Do you want to be the only one?
THE MASTER: You misunderstand me, dear girl. I’m simply thinning the herd. The Doctor and her ilk are weak, and the weak can hardly be called Time Lords. Now you, on the other hand, you are everything a Time Lord should be.
GIORGETTA: (perplexed) M-me? No, that’s not possible! I’m nothing like your idea of a Time Lord!
THE MASTER: (laughs coldly) Oh aren’t you? May I remind you of this?
(suddenly, a screen rolls down. It shows GIORGETTA, with tears streaming down her face, dismantling a Dalek with her bare hands. There is cold, raw anger in her eyes. She looks almost evil with her face contorted into an expression of rage and anguish. Everyone is frozen, not believing what they are seeing.)
THE MASTER: They killed your family. Your lover left you for dead. You let loose all the rage bottled up inside you and with your bare hands, you ripped them to pieces. That is what being a Time Lord is all about- power. You used your hate as a driving energy, and look what you were capable of. The Doctor would never have acted like that. You showed the marks of a true Time Lord, more so than she ever did. You coldly took your revenge. I really do admire you for that, sweetie. What you did was truly amazing.
GIORGETTA: (crying) No! You’re wrong!
THE MASTER: Embrace it, Giorgetta. Embrace the rage inside you. The Daleks killed your family- why stop at a few of them when you can obliterate their entire race?! After that, there is nothing you can’t do, no enemy you can’t vanquish. Let go of those binding, restrictive ideas of mercy and justice, and use the power of your rage and anger to fight for what YOU believe. Not for some idealistic standard the Doctor sets in front of you. For your beliefs, your rights. Nothing can stand in your way.
GIORGETTA: (sobbing full-on) No, I’ll never be like you! I’ll never kill indiscriminately like you do! I believe in justice, and mercy, and forgiveness, and everything the Doctor stood for! I can’t just hurt people because they hurt me, no matter how much I hate them! Call me a coward, I don’t care! I’d rather be a coward to you than your twisted, sick, diseased image of a Time Lord!
(The MASTER sighs, then pulls out her gun again)
THE MASTER: Another weak one, what a pity. Looks like I’ll have to send you the same way as your good Doctor.
(She is about to kill GIORGETTA, but SISYPHUS tackles her, knocking the gun out of her hands)
SISYPHUS: I don’t care who the hell you are. I don’t care whether you’re some perfect Time Lord or not. You’re not going to kill this girl!
THE MASTER: And what are you going to do about it?
SISYPHUS: What the Doctor would have done- stop you!
(The MASTER turns to shoot him, but then another voice interrupts her.)
DEGEL: Give it up, it’s over.
THE MASTER: What do you mean?! I clearly have the upper hand! Sanctuary must never have taught you anything about fighting, saint of Athena.
DEGEL: You’re wrong, I’m afraid. Two mortally injured Time Lords enclosed in one TARDIS? Don’t you know what’s going to happen now?
(as everything has been occurring, AVERY and the DOCTOR’s bodies have begin to glow with a familiar golden light. It gets brighter and brighter, intensifying into a flame. They are regenerating, and it’s looking to be a powerful one.)
DEGEL: We need to get out of this chamber! It’s not safe for us here!
(everyone makes a mad dash for the exit. The MASTER tries to jump to the platform and follow them, but it collapses under her. She’s hanging on to the edge by her fingertips when GIORGETTA grabs her hand.)
THE MASTER: Why? I nearly killed your precious Doctor! Why would you save me?!
GIORGETTA: Because I’m not like you. (however, the MASTER’s weight is pulling her towards the edge herself. SISYPHUS grabs her, pulling them both onto the platform.)
SISYPHUS: Shall we take cover, then?
(They all dash into the next chamber, where they watch the DOCTOR and AVERY’s regenerations come to a close. The Doctor now has longer hair in a darker color and gray eyes. AVERY’s hair is now a light brown and also longer, and his eyes are hazel.)
THE DOCTOR: Well, what did I miss?
(She jumps to the platform. The companions and ASMITA run to greet her. AVERY leaps over a little unsteadily, his head is still bleeding. DEGEL catches him easily.)
DEGEL: (smiling slightly) I warn you, Time Lord, you have a lot of explaining to do.
AVERY: (gives a weak smile) I should think so...
(The MASTER attempts to reach for her gun, which dropped to the floor in the commotion. ALBAFICA kicks it away.)
ALBAFICA: Oh, you won’t be getting that back for a long time.
THE MASTER: What will you do with me now, kill me?
DOCTOR: No, we’re taking you back to Torchwood. The parts from your TARDIS should be enough to repair my ship. We can go home now! (suddenly, her knees buckle and she falls against ASMITA)
ASMITA: I don’t think you’ll be going anywhere until you’ve fully recovered.
DEGEL: Plus, Avery isn’t in fit state to travel. He looks as though she tortured him!
THE MASTER: (laughing) I did, and it was fun.
DEGEL: Remember this: you’re not being transported to Torchwood immediately. You’ll still have to deal with me for a while yet. Watch your tongue.
ASMITA: So it appears you’ll be staying in this century for now. Plus, those repairs you spoke of will take time.
ANNABELLE: (grimaces) They certainly will. Not to mention the fact we’ll have to strip this TARDIS to complete them.
ALBAFICA: Unless I become otherwise occupied, I volunteer my amateur services to aid you in the repair efforts.
ANNABELLE: That sounds perfect. With your strength and my mechanical knowledge, we’ll be done quicker. Unfortunately, I don’t know how long it will take even then. We could be here for as long as three months.
EVERYONE: (varied emotions) THREE MONTHS?!
THE MASTER: A prisoner of you naive little idealists for three months… You might as well just kill me now and save me the trouble of doing it myself!
DOCTOR: That isn’t an option, I’m afraid.
KIMBERLEY: Doctor, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was an agent of Torchwood. Believe me, I have nothing against you. You and the companions are my friends, whether I originally intended you to be or not.
DOCTOR: That’s what matters, Kim. I don’t mind, personally. Torchwood’s not a bad sort.
KIMBERLEY: That’s a relief, thank you.
(They all exit the MASTER’s TARDIS)

NARRATOR: And that’s our play! Stick around, because later we’re presenting a Punch and Judy show later on this evening! You guys can come to our employee break room and eat Hot Pockets from our microwave!
DEGEL: (poking his head out of the curtains) Hey!
NARRATOR: Yes?
DEGEL: Excuse me, but you’re cutting off the epilogue. We have one of those, you know.
NARRATOR: (annoyed) Nobody told me anything about an epilogue! When did this get added?!
DEGEL: Just now. It’s kind of important. Could we perhaps commence with the show?
NARRATOR: Huh?
CAMUS: (smiling) My esteemed fellow Aquarius means “Get on with it!”
NARRATOR: (grumbling) I should have known. You Aquariuses are all alike. No respect whatsoever. Fine, do your epilogue. See if I care!
(SCENE: The back room of the Aquarius Temple, which looks like a library, except with a bar. The MASTER is handcuffed to a bookcase, as everyone else enjoys some hard-earned R & R.)
THE DOCTOR: Well, that was quite an adventure! (raises a glass of pineapple juice) To us!
EVERYONE: (all raising glasses of pineapple juice) To us!
ALBAFICA: (realizing something) Wait, I just realized something! Why is this called “How Not To Survive the Holy War” if the Holy War technically hasn’t happened yet?!
ANNABELLE: Albafica, do you know what this means?!
ALBAFICA: It means… (pauses dramatically) This interview is not over!
KIMBERLEY: (smiles) Giorgetta, it’s fantastic!
GIORGETTA: Yes, we get to stay on, which means you and Defteros have a chance to start a family of little time traveling saint agents of Torchwood!
KIMBERLEY: (confused) I was talking about this pineapple juice. Man, this is good!
ASPROS: IT’S NOT HAPPENING!!!!
DEFTEROS: Come on, brother. Haven’t you always wanted a sister-in-law?
ASPROS: OVER MY DEAD BODY I HAVE!!!
SISYPHUS: (annoyingly singsong-y voice) I think SOMEEEEEBODY needs more PINEAPPLE JUICE!!!
ASPROS: GET THAT DISGUSTING FRUIT CONCOCTION OUT OF MY FACE!!! I KNOW WHAT YOU PUT IN THERE AND I’M NOT DRINKING IT!!!
DEGEL: … Sisyphus, did you SPIKE the pineapple juice?
SISYPHUS: Please, Degel. Why would I do something like that?
DEGEL: Because you want to get Aspros stinking drunk?
SISYPHUS: Good point, but I couldn’t find any alcohol except some cheap, watered-down beer at the tavern. So it won’t affect us much.
DEGEL: Maybe you sould have mentioned that BEFORE we all drank it.
THE MASTER: Another two parts of this? PLEASE KILL ME.
DOCTOR: Hey, since this pineapple juice is spiked with beer… Asmita! Drink more of it so I can see you when you’re not uptight! Maybe we can even get you to sing!
(ASMITA dives aside as the DOCTOR tries to force him to drink the pineapple juice. Everyone does a full cast collective laugh, and The MASTER rolls her eyes. The curtains close, and everyone applauds.)
NARRATOR: We hope you enjoyed the first two acts of “How Not To Survive the Holy War”! Come back this evening for our Punch and Judy show and return next week for “They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard!: The Musical”, with Aquarius Degel as Legolas and Sagittarius Sisyphus playing the role of Aragorn! We hope you enjoyed the show and thank you for your business!
CAMUS: Well, what do you think?
KAGE: I think I’m buying tickets to “They’re Taking The Hobbits to Isengard!: The Musical”! Degel would make a great Legolas!
CAMUS: Really? See, I would have thought they’d cast Albafica. He’s got a lovely tenor from what I hear. But if you want to see it, I’ll book us all tickets when we get back to Sanctuary.
MILO: So what’ll we do until Act 3 is released?
SKY: Well, let’s go see a movie! They’re re-screening the first two Virgo Interviews with free pineapple juice cocktails for the cast!
(They walk out of the theater, leaving the NARRATOR behind, eating a Hot Pocket.)
NARRATOR: Awww, c’mon guys! I was in the interview too! (sighs) Guess I’ll go help them get ready for that new musical.
(He walks away, and the remix of “They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard” can be heard playing as DEGEL runs by in a Legolas costume.)
END ACT 2

I apologize for nothing. Parts 3 and 4 will come soon.

Blargh... I'm so sorry.
Just edited that. Why am I such an idiot?!

Long, LONG story. I was listening to that on replay for pretty much the entire interview, so stuff happened. Strange stuff.

So do I.
Let's have Degel act like an idiot at least once. The Lost Canvas saints get shown so much reverence in the interviews compared to everyone else. All the other saints get irreverent and incessant jokes at their expense.
Some more than others.

No, I don't. But I should get that.
Then it will be the best script ever.

Here's parts 3 and 4! Then we'll be done with this ultra-long interview.

NARRATOR: Well, hello hello hello! Welcome back to the Parody Opera House, guys! Gee, I’ve seen you a lot lately! Getting quite chummy, aren’t we?
CAMUS: No, definitely not.
NARRATOR: (annoyed) I wasn’t asking you, jerk!
CAMUS: (rolls eyes) Well, nobody else likes you either.
NARRATOR: (really quite miffed) Why are you such a piece of work, anyway?! Degel’s nice to me; he actually comes to my Hot Pocket parties! Unlike SOME people...
KAGE: Ummm, Narrator? We’ll all come to a big Hot Pocket party at Intermission. Can we get started, though? I’m on a tight schedule.
NARRATOR: (genuinely interested) Why, do you have someplace to be?
KAGE: Oh, the Bronze Saints are putting on an amateur production of Wicked. I need to be there, I’m playing Elphaba.
NARRATOR: (confused) What, the five bronze saints and you are staging Wicked?! Just you six?!
KAGE: Well, we were going to do Waiting For Godot, but everybody wanted the role of Godot. Since an agreement couldn’t be reached, we went with our second choice. And it’s not just the six of us, we drafted a bunch of the less known Bronze Saints to help out, plus some friends of theirs.
NARRATOR: But… But who’s playing GLINDA?!
KAGE: (sighs) Hyoga. He’s the only natural blonde in our theater company AND he’s the only one who can actually hit those high notes. Look, he’s kinda touchy about having to wear high heels, makeup, and a frock, so it’s best not to mention it if you see him.
CAMUS: (shocked) My apprentice is singing soprano dressed like a girl, and you DIDN’T GET A VIDEO?! What’s wrong with you?!
KAGE: I did try, once. He saw, and unfortunately is no longer speaking to me. Then again, it’s no great loss. He’s a regular diva. Seriously, he’s no longer speaking to Ikki after the latter kicked him in the shins during the “Dancing Through Life” number. Or that could be because Ikki said that trying to sing a romantic duet with him is like trying to serenade the wall since he has about as much attraction to the wall as to Hyoga’s portrayal of Glinda.
NARRATOR: Well… ah… that’s more than I EVER wanted to know about the Bronze Boys and their thespian ambitions. On with the show!
(SCENE: The Doctor’s TARDIS, late at night. There is a little bonfire burning outside, and GIORGETTA is asleep next to it, along with SISYPHUS. The DOCTOR and ASMITA are drinking coffee to stay awake. KIMBERLEY looks like she’s about to drop; ASPROS already has and DEFTEROS is trying to revive them both with strong coffee. DEGEL is trying to show the DOCTOR the plans for the repairs, but she is concentrating on her coffee. AVERY is lying on top of the TARDIS; it’s a nice sleeping spot and you can see the stars. Unfortunately, our stargazing pair, ALBAFICA and ANNABELLE are inside the TARDIS working hard on the repairs. Meanwhile, The MASTER is being guarded by a newcomer to all this craziness- CANCER MANIGOLDO. He seems to be taking his job seriously and getting quite the caffeine fix while doing it. The MASTER has managed to stay awake without coffee; she doesn’t trust the DOCTOR enough to sleep while in her custody…)
DEGEL: I’ve told you a million times- we don’t have ROOM for a swimming pool!
DOCTOR: Oh come on, we’ll be fine. (shouting into the TARDIS) Hey, Anna and Albafica! Could you two make a swimming pool happen?
ANNABELLE: (shouting back) Already done! Now, which do you think would be better- a roller skating rink or an arcade?
DOCTOR: (shouting into the TARDIS) Both, and add in a pizza place!
ALBAFICA: (yelling as well) Doctor? Are these penguins supposed to be in here?
DOCTOR: (still shouting) Don’t mind them, Albafica. They’re just practicing for their production of Waiting for Godot!
ALBAFICA: (shouting) Thank you for clarifying! I won’t disturb them, them!
(Meanwhile, the MASTER is watching the exchange, an expression of frustration on her face.)
THE MASTER: (annoyed) Why must I continue to be the Doctor’s prisoner?! If you really are one of Athena’s sickeningly honorable gold saints, then show some bloody decency and give me my gun so that I can end this torture once and for all!
MANIGOLDO: Let me see… give an enemy who is most definitely dangerous her weapon simply because she tell me to? (laughs madly) Just how stupid do you think I am?!
THE MASTER: If I wasn’t captive bound, you would most certainly die for speaking to me so harshly, Dog of Athena.
MANIGOLDO: If you weren’t a prisoner and your life was in my hands, you would be dead already for calling me a Dog of Athena.
THE MASTER: (rolls her eyes) I meant it as a compliment, Dog. Compared to those five helping that disgrace of a Time Lord over there like servants, you’re doing quite well.
MANIGOLDO: (smirking) So being a dog is better than being a servant?
THE MASTER: (enjoying the banter) A dog is by nature a servile, groveling mess of delusional, worshipping affection; a servant acts in that manner by choice or as a career. I believe the 21st century has a word for it- what was the term? Oh yes- they call such people fanboys.
MANIGOLDO: I don’t think anyone has dared to call me a dog before, compliment or not. I should blast you to the moon on the spot simply for my reputation’s sake.
THE MASTER: (smiles) Aha... so you’re not one of those goody-two-shoes saints who jumps to attention every time the Doctor walks by.
MANIGOLDO: (laughs) Those poor fools actually do that?
THE MASTER: Hmmph! As good as. It sickens me to think of anyone grovelling in such a manner. Why are men so susceptible to a few easy lies and a smile?
MANIGOLDO: (reprimanding, remembering their respective positions) From what I’ve heard, it was hardly that. Like it or not, those who you condemn so severely managed to put you in chains.
THE MASTER: (gives a wan smile) So we’re back to prisoner and guard, huh?
MANIGOLDO: (assertive) And not likely to be any more.
(Meanwhile, ALBAFICA and ANNABELLE are working hard inside the TARDIS. They’re also working seperately, and it frustrates ANNABELLE. Every time she’s tried to start up a conversation, he gives her an evasive response or two then lets the chatting die away. Now, he’s working alone in another part of the TARDIS. ANNABELLE sighs as she keeps working. His startling confession before the battle in THE MASTER’s TARDIS has made her sad; she wishes she could do something to help, but knows in her heart that this may not be possible.)
ANNABELLE: Jesus Christ, Albafica! Why do you have to be so #@%^ noble?!
(ALBAFICA is just one chamber over. He hears her and is about to reply, but then she begins to speak again. ANNABELLE has a habit of talking to the TARDIS when she has a problem; she’s probably the most in tune with it besides the DOCTOR. She is the one who often repairs it and feels that it’s alive somehow.)
ANNABELLE: I’m not afraid of the poison in his blood; I’ve seen worse things in our travels. Why doesn’t he understand?
ALBAFICA: (stepping out) I think it’s you who doesn’t understand. I chose this path long ago for a good reason; I have to deal with the consequences. I told you before, you don’t need to worry about me. Please, turn your incredibly gifted mind to other, happier things.
ANNABELLE: (sighs) All right. I should go- there are still some repairs to be done in other parts of the TARDIS.
(she runs off, trying to hide her frustration)
ALBAFICA: (sighs) I should never have spoken to her. It’s only caused her sadness so far…
(Meanwhile, GIORGETTA and SISYPHUS are waking up beside the fire. GIORGETTA looks over at THE MASTER, who has finally decided to sleep. MANIGOLDO is looking at her with, errr…interesting.... ideas running through his mind. O_0)
MANIGOLDO: (smirking) She’s sleeping… how foolish to let her guard down. (laughs)
(Suddenly, he stops reaching towards THE MASTER’s sleeping form. An elegant but nonetheless pain-inducing Victorian boot has connected with the back of his head- hard. GIORGETTA is standing over him with a disapproving look on her face.)
GIORGETTA: Tsk tsk, Mister Cancer Saint. You should never try to do such dishonorable things to a lady while she’s sleeping. Now put your wandering hands back where they belong and get your mind out of the gutter.
(She grinds the boot in a bit to make her point, then returns to SISYPHUS)
SISYPHUS: (fully awake) There aren’t many people who would give Cancer Manigoldo a boot to the head and live to tell about it.
GIORGETTA: (smiles) Oh, I hate men who take advantage of women. Plus, believe it or not, before the Doctor asked me to join her, I got the same offer from The Master. She was still looking for companions back then. I was going to join her, but after seeing her more ruthless side, I was afraid. All the same, I don’t really see her as an enemy. She’s just misguided is all, and we don’t see eye to eye on everything. I just wish she would go back to being how she was when I first met her.
SISYPHUS: Really? What was she like?
GIORGETTA: She was...kind. But not kind like the Doctor- all cheerful and funny and friendly with everybody. It was more of a gruff kindness. She’d do genuinely nice things for people occasionally, like when she met me. She came to stay at my family’s house as a guest. I guess she’d been in my time for a while, because everybody was incredibly interested in her. She was different than any other woman in the Victorian era. It’s not that she didn’t conform to social “rules”; the rules just didn’t seem to apply to her. She’d been invited over by some aunt who claimed we just had to meet her. I was sick at the time. My parents didn’t care about me missing out on this big social opportunity because I was the youngest child, not very pretty, and more interested in my books than social matters. She must have gotten bored- Time Lords lose interest in trivial things so easily- because she managed to find my room…
(A flashback begins. GIORGETTA is lying in bed, reading a book. Suddenly, the door creaks open. GIORGETTA doesn’t look up.)
GIORGETTA: (pleading) I told you, Margaret, I don’t want to come down! I’m not feeling well- please just leave me alone!
THE MASTER: (gives a slightly impish smile) I’m not your older sister. In fact, I just escaped from her. Margaret Fleming may be the most boring person I’ve ever met. All she ever talks about is how a woman must be modest and chaste… it’s horribly annoying. Tell me, why are you up here alone? I’d personally love to have your company; whether anyone else would or not doesn’t count for anything. So tell me, what’s your name?
GIORGETTA: (blushes) I-I’m Giorgetta. I’m not feeling well, I’m so sorry. You can go back dowstairs if you like. That’s where everything fun is after all.
THE MASTER: (laughs throatily; even in pleasure her laugh sounds a bit villainous) Not everything. You shouldn’t have to be all alone while your family enjoys themselves.
GIORGETTA: (smiles sadly) I prefer to let my sisters go about romancing men. I’m not the pretty daughter, after all. I’ll probably be married off to some old bore.
(This clearly upsets THE MASTER; she clenches her fists for a moment, then continues speaking)
THE MASTER: (suddenly) Have you ever wanted to travel the stars, Giorgetta?
(The scene returns to GIORGETTA and SISYPHUS)
SISYPHUS: (surprised) She actually asked you?! i’ll admit, I didn’t believe it when you first said so. I figured she may have just asked in passing. But… wow.
GIORGETTA: (very sadly) Yes, she did. I was about to take her up on it, too. Then, I saw her more ruthless side- she killed an alien which had crash landed on earth; killed it with that laser screwdriver of hers. An innocent visitor who had never done anything other than have it’s ship malfunction. I watched in terror, crying in the shadows as she did her horrible deed. Then, when she was about to leave, she asked- no, BEGGED- me to come with her. But I couldn’t. All I could remember was that horrible glint in her eyes as she destroyed that alien. I ran away without saying goodbye. My last memory of her in that time is her standing in that lonely TARDIS of hers as she watched me run away.
SISYPHUS: Do you regret not going with her?
GIORGETTA: I suppose so. Maybe I could have changed her, reined her in. Instead, I abandoned her and… (she bursts into tears) I think I may have made her even worse!
SISYPHUS: (comfortingly) There, there, it wasn’t your fault. You may not have been able to change anything.
(THE MASTER looks up; she’d been feigning sleep this whole time. She tries to get up to go see GIORGETTA, but realizes she’s still handcuffed to MANIGOLDO.)
THE MASTER: (annoyed) Do you mind moving? I’d like to speak to Giorgetta.
MANIGOLDO: (grumpy) I do mind, actually. She kicked me in the head while I was trying to… umm…. do some reconaissance work.
THE MASTER: (skeptical, dangerously close to getting very pissed off) Would that “reconaissance work” involve two hills and a canyon in between?
MANIGOLDO: (stands up) If you want to talk to her, go ahead. But you’re going to be handcuffed to me throughout it.
THE MASTER: Fine.
(They walk over to GIORGETTA. SISYPHUS decides prudently to leave at that moment, muttering something about what a lovely night for a stroll it is before darting off. He leaps down into the TARDIS, presumably to go speak with ALBAFICA.)
THE MASTER: Hello, Giorgetta.
GIORGETTA: (a little uneasy) H-hello.
THE MASTER: I wasn’t asleep, you know.
GIORGETTA: Oh, I…
THE MASTER: I saw what you did for me, and I heard your talk with Sagittarius. Giorgetta, I think I owe you an apology. For what happened in the TARDIS. I lost control, and I know you know how that feels. You can’t really do anything about it except try to pick up the pieces of everything you’ve shattered. So here it is; I’m sorry.
GIORGETTA: (turns away) Don’t apologize. You don’t need to feel like you owe me anything. I’ve never done anything for you worth speaking of.
THE MASTER: (taken aback) But that’s not how I see it! You gave me a few precious months where I could for once feel like somebody cared whether the Time Lords continued to survive or not! I fought hard for this race, it was beautiful to see your appreciation of our power!
GIORGETTA: (frustrated) You’re wrong- I didn’t care about how powerful the Time Lords were! I only cared about the one Time Lord I’d met- you! Master, I frankly don’t give a shit about your power- I never did! When will you learn that it’s not always about power or strength?! Sometimes, people see the value in others’ company for other reasons! If that is the standard you live by, then you must only care for me because I destroyed those Daleks!
(With that, she storms off into the TARDIS.)
(SCENE: The next morning. ANNABELLE is passed out in the entryway to the TARDIS, asleep. The repairs still aren’t even close to finished. This is as much as she could do. The DOCTOR has already awakened and she’s making herself some coffee over the fire. ASMITA joins her.)
DOCTOR: Annabelle and Albafica have been working nonstop all night. All the same, the TARDIS is in bad shape. I’ve never seen her so beat up.
ASMITA: Her?
DOCTOR: A TARDIS is more than just a machine, Asmita. It’s like a living being. You have to properly care for it. Otherwise, just like any other living being, it will die.
ASMITA: Ah. Do you think they’ll be able to fix it?
DOCTOR: Well, Annabelle has quite the connection with the TARDIS. She’ll be able to repair the thing. Don’t know what I did without her.
ASMITA: (smiles) I’ll admit it, I don’t exactly mind the TARDIS needing so many repairs. This allows us to spend some time together- time we wasted earlier by hating each other.
DOCTOR: I’d have to agree. We sure were idiots in the last two acts, weren’t we?
ASMITA: Correct. One can only hope we redeem ourselves in the acts to come. Honestly, those things we did in the first two acts, what were we thinking?
DOCTOR: You tell me, you’re the magical saint of Athena superhero psychic person. We’re practically different people now. Different people who will make better choices and totally not screw up in any way.
ASMITA: See, like now. We’re breaking the fourth wall. We never did THAT before!
DOCTOR: Indeed! We must have undergone serious character development! That means we’re finally maturing enough to have a prayer of being taken seriously!
(Meanwhile, in the TARDIS….)
KIMBERLEY: (waking up) Ah, another beautiful morning in the eighteenth century! Time to make myself some breakfast!
ANNABELLE: (sleepily, she was up all night working) Don’t go expecting a continental spread, there’s next to nothing in the fridge.
KIMBERLEY: I’m not picky- I’ll just make myself a ham sandwich or something.
ASPROS: A what, exactly?
KIMBERLEY: You’ve never heard of a ham sandwich?! Like, two slices of bread and a piece of ham in between?!
ASPROS: No, I can’t say that I have.
KIMBERLEY: This is a crisis! Come on, let’s get you to the kitchen!
(They run off to get ham sandwiches. Meanwhile, AVERY has just woken up. He wanders into the control room of the TARDIS, where GIORGETTA is enjoying her breakfast- some toast with strawberry jam. AVERY is still weakened considerably from his ordeal at the hands of THE MASTER; he’s bandaged up in several places and a little unsteady on his feet.)
AVERY: (sleepily) G’morning, Giorgetta.
GIORGETTA: (smiles) Good morning to you as well, Avery. How are you recovering?
AVERY: (sits down next to her) Quite well, thank you. I was a little uneasy about regenerating again so soon, but what can I do? Now, enough about me. How are you, Miss Fleming? She harmed you as well, I believe.
GIORGETTA: (gives another sweet smile) I’m perfectly fine, Avery. (realizing something) Why- you haven’t even eaten! Come on, I’ll find you some food! I’m so sorry, it was rude of me not to mention it before!
AVERY: (grabs her wrist as she goes to get up) No, Giorgetta. I don’t need anything to eat. (sighs) I can’t possibly eat at a time like this….
GIORGETTA: (confused) A time like this? What’s wrong, Avery?
AVERY: (moans) I think I’m in love with somebody.
GIORGETTA: (surprised) In love?
AVERY: (melancholically) But she’s a human and I’m a Time Lord. It could never work out. In fact, I’m sure she would only reject me if she knew of my feelings. After all, who am I to compete with a Gold Saint?! (sighs heavily)
GIORGETTA: There, there. You don’t know that for sure. She might just say yes. Maybe she doesn’t have any romantic feelings towards her saint after all. You should tell her how you feel. Any woman would be lucky to have you, Avery.
AVERY: (closes his eyes for a moment, steeling himself) Fine then. If that is true, I shall confess my feelings to her at this very moment. (exhales slowly) Giorgetta, from the moment we met when I landed in this century, I wished to explain the depth of my feelings for you. But alas, I never had a free moment, or I was too petrified to speak to you. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever encountered across all the galaxies and I want no other by my side. If you do not feel the same, I shall continue on to other centuries alone. If, however, you return my love, then I must ask you a very, very important question: will you consent to enter a relationship with me, even though I am a Time Lord?
GIORGETTA: (shocked for a moment, then smiling happily) Yes! Oh gods, Avery, yes! Of course!
AVERY: (smiles) You- you will?
GIORGETTA: (happily) Of course, Avery!
AVERY: (taking GIORGETTA’S hand) Regrettably, Degel requires my input on the TARDIS plans. I also feel rather light headed all of a sudden. So, I must depart. (kisses her cheek) I will see you again as soon as possible.
(With that, he is gone, running off to help DEGEL)
(SCENE: DEGEL’s library, the Aquarius Temple, still morning. DEGEL is reading one of the immense tomes kept within when AVERY arrives, out of breath and incredibly flushed.)
DEGEL: (surprised) Gods, Avery! What happened to you?
AVERY: (excited) I professed my feelings to Giorgetta, and I was not rejected! She loves me, Degel! Actually loves me!
SCORPIO KARDIA: (entering the room) Great. Nobody cares, least of all me!
AVERY: (miffed) Who asked you?
KARDIA: (casually munching an apple) Nobody, just offering my invaluable opinion is all. Giorgetta’s the shy little brunette, right? I have trouble keeping all these companions straight in my head. There’s so damn many of them. Ha! Who needs that much companionship? I get along fine with just Degel!
AVERY: (annoyed) How dare you dismiss her so easily!
KARDIA: (laughs) I’m not dismissing her. She’s actually pretty cute. Maybe when she grows up a little and ditches the glasses I’ll come and steal her from you. But only if she’s a worthy prize. I don’t wanna waste my life with a second-rate woman.
AVERY: (angry, about to punch KARDIA) DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT MESSING WITH MY GIRL, YOU JEEEEEEERK!!!!!
(Just as he yells this, GIORGETTA walks in. AVERY immediately blushes a deep shade of pink; she heard every word. KARDIA laughs and takes another bite of his apple. DEGEL rolls his eyes in a very CAMUS-like manner.)
GIORGETTA: (laughing) Messin’ with your girl, huh?
AVERY: (embarrassed) Oh geez.
KARDIA: (smirking) You really are cute. Why did you end up with this loser? (to himself) Damn, there’s no justice in these interviews.
GIORGETTA: (blushes) Oh… thank you.
AVERY: (turns to DEGEL) Who in the name of Gallifrey is that and why is he here?!
DEGEL: (reproachful) For your information, he’s Scorpio Kardia, my oldest friend. I asked him to come here to help with the plans since you’ve been recovering.
KARDIA: (smirks) That’s right, Time Lord. I’ve been doing your job for you while you were spending time with the ladies.
AVERY: (annoyed) You’re friends with this jerk?!
DEGEL: (laying down the law) Yes, Emery. I am friends with “this jerk” as you so eloquently put it. Now if you can’t stand to be in the same room as him, then by all means, make good and swift use of that door. However, if you’re willing to put aside this childish bickering, then pull up a chair and get to work. (notices KARDIA snickering) This goes for you too, Kardia.
AVERY: (chastized) I’ll behave if he will.
KARDIA: (laughing) Don’t worry, Time Lord, I’ll be a good saint… while Degel’s watching.
GIORGETTA: (smiles) Can I help, too? I don’t know much about the plans, but I’m a fair artist. I could draw up blueprints, if you like.
DEGEL: (less cold) Of course, young lady. Please, join us.
GIORGETTA: Thank you, sir!
(The four of them get to work. They labor in silence for a while. Suddenly, DEGEL goes off with GIORGETTA to find some parchment for the blueprints and AVERY is left alone with KARDIA...)
AVERY: (going over to KARDIA) I must say, after the way you acted earlier, it’s a wonder you even have Degel’s friendship! Why do you try so hard to annoy people?!
KARDIA: (smirks) So as soon as he’s gone, you start this up again? Too bad, Time Lord, I’m already bored with you.
AVERY: (annoyed) You can’t just brush me off! Why do you act like this?!
KARDIA: It’s my natural personality. You don’t like it, you get out of my way. I’ve got a short life and I’m gonna live it to the fullest!
AVERY: (rolls eyes) You’re just a thrill seeker.
KARDIA: Ha! No way, I just wanna do all I can before I die.
AVERY: Dying… some days I wonder if being a Time Lord is a blessing or a curse.
KARDIA: How’s that?
AVERY: We don’t die- we regenerate, changing our faces and bodies and mannerisms. It’s like being born all over again.
KARDIA: (smirks) Sounds like a royal waste of time. I’d rather just live the life I have instead of changing my face just to keep prolonging the inevitable. But that’s just me. Somebody all cautious and uptight like you should be ecstatic. You don’t have to fear death or pain like you would if you couldn’t regenerate.
AVERY: I… This sounds kind of silly, but I don’t want to change. I’m afraid that after one regeneration I’ll wake up and… aww, forget it. You wouldn’t understand.
KARDIA: Try me.
AVERY: (sighs) I’m afraid I’ll wake up and I won’t love Giorgetta anymore. I know I wouldn’t miss her if it did happen, but the thought of having to tell her that I no longer care for her just makes me want to be sick. What good is this technique to save my life if it changes the feelings of my heart in the process?
KARDIA: (laughs softly) Giorgetta, Giorgetta, Giorgetta. Your entire universe revolves around that girl. But I see where you’re going. That’s why I’d hate being a Time Lord- nothing’s gonna change my heart, no matter what.
AVERY: (blushing) I guess I kind of ramble on about her…
KARDIA: S’alright. You know, you may not be as boring as I thought.
AVERY: (smiles sadly) Thanks. You’re not a total jerk after all.
KARDIA: (slaps AVERY on the back surprisingly hard) Aww, stop feeling sorry for yourself! You’re not gonna regenerate anytime soon! Just live like I do- no waiting, no restrictions, just go! (almost consoling) You see, when I was a kid, they told me I was going to die. That my heart was weak and that I only had a year left to life. That’s around when I ran away. The place where I lived was just too restrictive. I wanted to spend my short life however I chose, doing everything to the fullest extent possible. That was when I met a saint of Athena. He offered to make me an immortal or some crap using the blood of Athena. I refused because who needs immortality, anyway? So instead he gave me the blessing of Athena, which has a long Greek name I don’t care to remember. It basically slows down my heart so that one year can turn into a normal human lifespan. This way I still get to live to the fullest with the time I’ve got. It’s not quite as bad as regenerating, but I still have to make sure I don’t let my fire burn too brightly. I guess we’ve both got reasons to watch out, huh?
AVERY: (smiling genuinely while wincing from the slap) Yes, that’s true. It makes me feel better, meeting the one human brave or stupid enough to refuse immortality- basically the life of a Time Lord. Thank you, Kardia.
(DEGEL and GIORGETTA return to the room which is now ringing with KARDIA’s laughter. DEGEL pretends to berate them for not getting any work done, but he’s smiling. GIORGETTA is stifling a laugh as they continue to look over the plans, but no longer in silence.)
(SCENE: Outside the TARDIS, still morning. ANNABELLE is looking up at the sky when a messenger comes running out of nowhere, screaming something. She can’t make it out until he gets closer. Once she hears it, her blood runs cold.)
MESSENGER: HOLY WAR! HOLY WAR HAS BROKEN OUT! HADES HAS BEEN RESURRECTED!
(ANNABELLE runs back to the TARDIS to relay the news. The saints are off and running back to their temples before any of the companions have a chance to do anything. They are left standing in the TARDIS.)
KIMBERLEY: (sighs and goes towards her room in the TARDIS) Well, that’s that, then. This century is at war.
DOCTOR: (suspicious) And just where are you going?
KIMBERLEY: (grabbing her pistol and a large machine gun) To war, Doctor. I’m a soldier, remember? I can’t let this century turn out like mine. People sat by not acting for too long back home, and look how many innocents died. If I can prevent even one of this century’s innocents or one of our golden boys from dying, then I’m doing something right. Can you even begin to think of what would happen if we lost Asmita, Sisyphus, Albafica, Aspros, Defteros, Manigoldo, Degel, or that hot-blooded friend of his, Scorpio Whatsisface? I want to at least say I tried to help them fight this Hades guy.
DOCTOR: (serious) Then we’ll come too. You’re right, we can’t just let them fight this war. They were ready to die beside us fighting The Master. We can help them beat whatever threat they’re facing now.
ANNABELLE: (gives a small, devious smile) Then shall I go down to my lab and… cook something up?
DOCTOR: (sighs) I suppose it’s as good a time as any to try it, Anna. Just don’t blow up anybody on our side.
ANNABELLE: As you say, Doctor. (muttering to herself as she dashes off) I will prove myself to him…!
GIORGETTA: (a little scared but still determined) Doctor, I want to come with you and the other companions! Let me fight by your side!
DOCTOR: (surprised) You’re not a warrior, Giorgetta! It’s a melee out there- you’ll never make it through! You need to stay here, where it’s safe.
GIORGETTA: (defiant) Sisyphus and Avery could protect me! And anyway, I could throw Anna’s explosives! Those don’t require close range! Furthermore, I can take care of myself better than you think! The Master taught me to fight!
DOCTOR: (final) The answer is no, Giorgetta. Sisyphus and Avery will be needed in other parts of the battle. And I’m not allowing anybody but Annabelle and the saints to handle those explosives. Otherwise, someone is likely to get accidentally blown up. As for anything The Master might have taught you, I forbid you to use that knowledge. Do you understand?
GIORGETTA: (dejected but still a tad rebellious) Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: (more kindly) I’m sorry, Giorgetta, but you’re the only one of my companions who isn’t a warrior; I have to keep you safe. Annabelle worked for the army for a while, and Kim is a Torchwood agent- they have real qualifications. Avery and I can just regenerate if anything happens. But you’re human- if you got hurt or died I’d never forgive myself. Please, stay here. (smiles) Here’s a thought- if anyone gets injured, I’ll bring them to you. You have better knowledge of medicine than anybody else. You could help them.
GIORGETTA: (brightens up a little) Yes, that sounds good! I think I’ll do that!
ANNABELLE: (carrying several large crates marked “Explosives”) Well, I think they’ll be sending the enemy back in pieces after what I’ve got cooked up hits them.
KIMBERLEY: (shouldering her machine gun) Shall we get going, then?
DOCTOR: Yes, I think so. (to GIORGETTA) Wait here for us to return.
GIORGETTA: (resigned) Yes, Doctor. Good luck- tell the saints that for me.
AVERY: (coming out of a side chamber in the TARDIS, buckling his sword belt) I’ll be joining you three if you don’t mind.
KIMBERLEY: (skeptical) We’re off to fight the Holy War and all you’ve got is a sword? Do you have a really great death wish or something?
AVERY: (smirks) Let’s just say I wasn’t only recovering from my regeneration while I was shut up in my room. In between thinking of my sweet Giorgetta and resting, I was taking a leaf out of The Master’s book and converting my sonic screwdriver into a weapon. This sword is the result of that work.
KIMBERLEY: (huffily) Damn Time Lords get all the cool toys.
DOCTOR: So my suspicions were correct- she did convert her laser screwdriver into that gun. As if it wasn’t lethal enough already. I’ll stick with just the screwdriver, thank you very much. Can you imagine trying to repair a TARDIS with a screwdriver in the form of a battleaxe or some other large weapon?
AVERY: (quite proud of his handiwork) Say what you like, Doctor. I personally think it’s a fine idea. And anyway, it looks cooler, too.
DOCTOR: It makes you look like a little kid playing Jedi if you ask me...
ANNABELLE: (businesslike) Are we going to talk weapons all day or are we going to actually fight this Holy War?
DOCTOR: You’re right, let’s get going. Goodbye, Giorgetta!
KIMBERLEY: We’ll fight doubly hard for you, alright?
ANNABELLE: Stay safe, Getta.
GIORGETTA: Good luck! Come back in one piece!
(the DOCTOR, ANNABELLE, and KIMBERLEY exit the TARDIS. AVERY remains behind)
AVERY: (taking GIORGETTA’s hand) I will return soon. In the meantime, stay safe. If anything were to happen to you…
GIORGETTA: (smiles) Don’t worry about me, Avery. I’m far away from the battle- nothing could possibly happen.
AVERY: (leaving) See that nothing does. I will fight and win so that I may soon return to you.
(With that, he is gone. GIORGETTA is left standing alone in the TARDIS, waiting and worrying)
(SCENE: outside Sanctuary. Battle is raging in the distance. THE MASTER is standing there, rubbing her wrists- she has just freed herself.)
THE MASTER: (thoughtful, jesting) A Holy War, eh? Giorgetta and my Dog of Athena are no doubt right in the thick of it. And they didn’t even bother to send me an invitation. How rude of them. Never mind that, I’ll join them anyway. Ha, the Doctor will never allow me to hear the end of this- me, the most powerful and ruthless of Time Lords, fighting beside those sickeningly loyal saints. But alas, my weakness for Miss Fleming’s company and that rather handsome Dog of Athena is truly a fatal flaw. If they were to be lost, I think I may even mourn their passing in a moment of sentimentality. At the very least I’d be annoyed enough to end anyone who even simply injured them. Ha! Is this emotion “caring”? Do my twin hearts have the feeling in them to even care anymore? But this feeling, this feeling for Giorgetta and my Dog of Athena, it makes me feel… powerful. Powerful and incensed. I think I quite like it. This must be a very strong emotion indeed, whatever it is. Perhaps seeing them will give me it’s name; this new power, the power to fear and care for others. Let this Holy War commence and the whole of this century shake with its thunder. I will join this battle. Those who stand in my way will know the true fighting energy of Gallifrey.
(She pats her gun and strolls off in the direction of the battle, smirking as she does so.)
NARRATOR: And that’s act three! We’ve got another intermission right about now, so why don’t you come down to our employee break room and have some hot pockets?
KAGE: (forced smile) Sure, it’ll be… uh… fun. Right, guys?
MILO: (rolls eyes) Sure, whatever. I have someplace to be after this.
CAMUS: Why, are you in the production of “Wicked” too? Perhaps as an understudy for my apprentice?
MILO: (smug) Actually, Camus, I’m taking my girlfriend to see “They’re Taking The Hobbits To Isengard! The Musical”. We plan to spend a romantic evening listening to songs about orcs and hobbits. Who knows, I might even ask her a certain important question...
DEATHMASK: What, you too? Avalon wanted to see it. Looks like we’ll both be there enjoying that orc music. It’ll definitely be an interesting evening; I’ve never seen either Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit.
MILO: Sounds good! Hey, here’s a thought- let’s all meet up at that fancy toast restaurant beforehand. I can give you the basic briefing on everything you never wanted to know about Middle Earth!
SKY: (thwacks KAGE with her sonic screwdriver) Stop with the toast! It’s not funny anymore!
KAGE: (laughing maniacally) No! I will never stop with the toast! TOAST IN ALL THE INTERVIEWS!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
(They follow the NARRATOR, KAGE still laughing maniacally.)
END ACT 3

NARRATOR: Man, that was fun! Right, guys?
CAMUS: No, that was excruciating torture. The hot pockets were soggy, and you talked about your grandmother’s back problems for the whole time. In what way would that be FUN?!
NARRATOR: Hmmph. I don’t see why you need to be so critical. Being a narrator is a high-stress job! And my grandmother’s back problems aren’t funny either!
KAGE: (shouting, surprising everybody) HAH! YOU KNOW NOTHING OF STRESS!
NARRATOR: (sarcastic) Oh you lead SUCH a stressful life, Miss Forumer, lazing around and watching anime all day. It must be so hard for you.
KAGE: (rolls eyes) You try being a writer, compiling these interviews! It ain’t easy! You think I can just go down to the local library and read up on the Holy War? Well, you’re wrong. In order to get any information, I’ve gotta BE there. Which means using Sky’s TARDIS to go to the eighteenth century and trying to get everything that’s happening while, y’know, not getting killed. You think that’s lazing around?! My only protection is a riot shield! Do you know how useful that is against saints?! NOT VERY, THAT’S HOW!!! (to herself) At least I have the Lost Canvas Gaiden manga to inspire and distract...
NARRATOR: (shaken) A… riot shield? I’ll stop complaining, then. Clearly you have the superior suffering of the two of us. On with the show!

(SCENE: part of the city, midday. KIMBERLEY is stationed on a parapet with her machine gun, fearlessly firing off round after round. ASPROS and DEFTEROS are below, keeping the Specters of Hades at bay.)
KIMBERLEY: (laughing sardonically to herself) War in this century, war in the one I left. Why is it that humanity so loves to fight and kill each other?!
ASPROS: (yelling to KIMBERLEY) Kim, behind you!
(KIMBERLEY whips around and picks off the Specter behind her. She grimaces slightly as she does it.)
DEFTEROS: (looking up at KIMBERLEY) She’s preoccupied, brother. Her mind is elsewhere, and her shots are all over the place.
ASPROS: (nodding slightly) Yes, she is that. A trained soldier like her- what could she be thinking about?
(Up on the parapet, KIMBERLEY continues defending, but her mind is elsewhere, as DEFTEROS said. She is thinking about her little sister back home- our fiery Torchwood agent is suffering from an attack of homesickness.)
KIMBERLEY: (sighs) Does it really matter if the fighting continues? Do I still care? London… I never thought I’d miss that place...
(Suddenly, ASPROS yells to her again, but she is not quick enough. The Specter’s attack knocks her out cold. DEFTEROS runs to the parapet and chases it off, but it’s too late- the damage has been done. KIMBERLEY is lying on the flagstones, gasping for breath. The attacks of Specters are much like the attacks of saints- humans are not meant to withstand them.)
KIMBERLEY: (cracks a weak smile) Guess… guess I missed one, huh?
DEFTEROS: (kneeling next to her) Oh gods… We need to get you to Giorgetta! If we don’t hurry, you could die!
KIMBERLEY: (eyes closing) Should’ve been faster… should’ve…
DEFTEROS: (picking her up, calling to ASPROS) I’ve got to go! It could already be too late for her!
ASPROS: (turning back to the fighting) Please hurry, Defteros. You’re needed here.
(DEFTEROS takes off running as ASPROS continues to fight)
(SCENE: The other side of the city. ANNABELLE is detonating the explosives she made with rapid and deadly accuracy. She has not yet seen ALBAFICA, he’s been all over the place since the fighting began. All the same, she’s been keeping watch for him- ANNABELLE still has a strong desire to prove her worth.)
ANNABELLE: Where is he?!
(She continues to set and detonate the charges, often dodging getting blown up by mere inches. Like KIMBERLEY, she is distracted. Unlike KIMBERLEY, ANNABELLE is a multitasker. She’s managed so far to worry about ALBAFICA and the others and yet still fight.)
(SCENE: Outside the city. ASMITA and the DOCTOR are back to back, one using cosmos energy, the other getting by with her sonic screwdriver. They do not speak, but instead, each manages to draw strength from the other’s presence. As the attacks come faster and faster, and in greater volleys, the DOCTOR quietly slips a hand into ASMITA’s. Eventually, they defeat all the specters surrounding them, and the DOCTOR turns to speak to ASMITA.)
DOCTOR: (panting) Hey, Virgo?
ASMITA: (also tired) Yes, Doctor?
DOCTOR: There’s something… I think you may need to know this in case… anything happens.
ASMITA: What is it?
DOCTOR: (sitting down on a rock to rest) It involves Giorgetta. You see, she’s not just another companion. There’s a reason I’d prefer she’d stay away from the fighting. And it isn’t because she has no experience with war.
ASMITA: (nods) Yes, I did sense something was unusual about Giorgetta from when I entered your mind. But you kept that secret closely guarded. I could not see what it was.
DOCTOR: (sighs) Well, I’m telling you now. You see, back in the Victorian era, Giorgetta’s home time, the Daleks appeared. I tried to stop them, but they killed her family. I only arrived in time to see her destroy several Daleks with her bare hands. That’s as much as anyone else, including she herself, knows. What happened afterwards is the secret. Asmita, if this gets out, I don’t know what will happen. Can you trust me and keep this under wraps unless it’s absolutely necessary for it to be revealed?
ASMITA: You can trust me, Doctor. I will not tell a soul unless the situation becomes too dire for it to be avoided.
DOCTOR: (steeling herself for the reveal) Well, she didn’t destroy all of the Daleks. The ones she did vanquish had called reinforcements in. They caught her off guard and she was shot. That was around when The Master arrived. She’d returned to Victorian England to see Giorgetta. Unfortunately, she was too late; her would-be companion had already been mortally wounded and was on the verge of dying. The Master begged me to save Giorgetta, regardless of the price which I would need to pay. So I took her into my TARDIS and did the only thing I could- I allowed Giorgetta’s body to absorb it’s heart. This brought her back to life, but she would always need to stay with me, and close to the TARDIS. The Master got her wish- Giorgetta was alive, but they would remain forever apart. Giorgetta is more than just my companion, she essentially is the TARDIS. It was all I could do to save her. The thing is, if Giorgetta were to fight and die, so would the TARDIS. Indeed, I don’t like to think what would happen if she even got too excited or passionate. With the power inside her, the power of the entire TARDIS, she is vulnerable. If she were to conciously use that power, she could lose her life in the process. Giorgetta had only a shred of life left in her body when she absorbed the heart; if she were to lose the heart, then she would most certainly die within a few seconds.
ASMITA: (perplexed) If all this is true, why would The Master torture Giorgetta if she so wanted to save her life?
DOCTOR: (uncomfortable) The Master was emotionally affected by Giorgetta’s death enough that she shed tears in my presence. When I say she begged me to save Giorgetta, I really do mean begged shamelessly on her knees. In short, she showed everything that she deemed was weakness that day. After I resurrected Giorgetta, she asked that I bury the memories of what had happened so that she could keep her dignity. I complied. Nothing has awakened those memories since, although she does have an unusual fear of anything happening to Giorgetta. If she were to know of what had happened, she would also know what my greatest weakness is, and most likely exploit it.
ASMITA: Then let us both hope that I will not need to use this knowledge in the near future and that Giorgetta’s power will stay dormant for the time being.
DOCTOR: (looking out across the landscape) Indeed...
(SCENE: The TARDIS. GIORGETTA is busy feverishly patching people up. Many lesser saints are lying injured, and she’s doing her best to give them her attention. KIMBERLEY is lying still, unconcious but alive. GIORGETTA is tending to her, and she looks worried.)
GIORGETTA: (to herself) The Doctor trusts me to attend to everyone who is injured! I can’t let even one die-!
(Suddenly, something begins to bang on the TARDIS door. It is the specters- they’ve literally brought the Holy War to their doorstep.)
GIORGETTA: (struggling to lift some of the debris from the crash) I need to barricade the door… can’t let them get in!
(As she struggles to shove the heavy rubble, one of the injured people stands up and walks over. She hadn’t recognized him when he came in, but she does now- it’s KARDIA.)
KARDIA: Need help, little girl?
GIORGETTA: (worried, on the verge of tears) I can’t let them get into the TARDIS! The people here are already battered and beaten from the fighting! They don’t stand a chance! Please, Kardia! I can’t move it on my own- I need your strength!
(KARDIA helps her to shift the heavy fallen beams and move them towards the door. As they work and further barricade the door to protect those inside, he begins to notice that GIORGETTA’s chest, just about where her heart would be, is glowing with a bright white light.)
KARDIA: (pointing this out) Hey, what’s that?
GIORGETTA: (looks down at it, perplexed) I… don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like this happen to me before… but it’s burning light is giving me strength. (laughs not unlike KARDIA usually does) It feels so powerful and strong, Kardia! I feel like I could move this beam alone, with just my hands! If I just burn more of it, I could defeat all those specters out there, probably!
KARDIA: (gives the light a worried glance as it grows brighter) I wouldn’t try that, little girl. Save your energy for a time when you really need it! The only thing that’s going to be burning here is the heat from my heart, got it?! Little girl-?!
GIORGETTA: (closes her eyes and breathes out slowly. The glow dissipates) I’m fine… I think. Come on, we’d better get away from the door in case they do break it down.
(They return to KIMBERLEY. GIORGETTA keeps tending to her, while KARDIA sits nearby.)
GIORGETTA: (unrolling some bandages) Say, what are you doing here? You don’t seem to be injured too badly. Just a few scratches.
KARDIA: (laughs softly, smirking) Oh, I just used a little too much power and passed out. All I needed was a few moments of rest.
GIORGETTA: (businesslike) I’ll be the judge of that, Scorpio Kardia. You’re here in the TARDIS, which means you’re in my care. I still need to look you over and make sure you’re in a fit state to fight.
KARDIA: (flippant) Don’t worry about me, little girl. I’m stronger than you think.
(Suddenly, a peculiar smell fills the air)
GIORGETTA: (alarmed) That smells like smoke!
KARDIA: (leaps up) Those #@$%^&#s! They’re trying to set this place on fire!
(They start trying to evacuate the patients through a back exit. Some of them need to be helped by others. Meanwhile, the fire is spreading. GIORGETTA is struggling to carry KIMBERLEY and another patient. Once they arrive at the back exit’s door, they behold a terrible sight.)
KARDIA: (angry) The door’s already caught fire- damn it!
GIORGETTA: (reaching towards it) We can’t die in here- not like this!
(She suddenly grabs the burning door with her bare hands and pushes with all her might. The glow in her chest returns, brighter than before. Finally, the door gives and everyone rushes outside past GIORGETTA, who is standing frozen in the doorway. She’s hiding her hands behind her back and has a shocked smile on her face which looks almost maniacal.)
KARDIA: Come on, little girl!
(He reaches for her hand, and she draws one of hers out from behind her back. They are badly burned and scarred from the flames which had been consuming the door. Her chest is still glowing, brighter than before. KARDIA sees her hands and gives a sharp intake of breath.)
GIORGETTA: (excited, energetic) I don’t even feel it, Kardia! The burns don’t even cause any pain! This light, this power inside me- as it burns brighter, I can do more and more amazing things! Just think of the power I will have when it’s at its height!
KARDIA: (annoyed) Stop talking like that, you silly little girl! I told you, don’t go using it all unless you really need it! What are you, stupid?!
GIORGETTA: (sighs a little sadly as the glow dims to nothing) You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Let’s evacuate these people before anything else happens. Then, I’ll check you to see if you’re fit to fight and you can be on your way.
(They go off to begin finding a new safe location.)
(SCENE: In the city. MANIGOLDO has just fought off several specters. He’s about to leave in search of new opponents when THE MASTER walks into the square.)
THE MASTER: (smiling devilishly) Hello, dog.
MANIGOLDO: (businesslike) I have no time for your games at this moment. Why are you here?
THE MASTER: (tosses her hair) You think you can fight this “Holy War” without me, the greatest and most ruthless of the Time Lords?! I’ve come to help, you fool!
MANIGOLDO: (smirks) Welcome to the Dogs of Athena.
THE MASTER: (laughs) Yees, it would seem that way wouldn’t it? Tell me, where is Giorgetta? I need to speak with her.
MANIGOLDO: (shrugs) I think the Doctor made her stay back inside the TARDIS to tend to the wounded.
THE MASTER: (smiles slightly) Well, that soft-hearted fool at least managed to keep her safe…
(Suddenly, they hear a shout from a rooftop nearby)
ALBAFICA: (grimaces) Not quite as safe as you’d think. I thought I heard that a battalion of specters were moving towards the TARDIS. I went up there to check it out and the place was abandoned. Nobody around. You might want to worry. (to MANIGOLDO, anxious) Oh, and have you seen Annabelle? I’ve been looking for her and she’s nowhere to be seen!
MANIGOLDO: (shrugs, not really caring) I think I may have seen her in a wagon with the dead, but don’t trust me on that.
(ALBAFICA looks even more worried than before as he dashes off. He’s heard varying reports regarding ANNABELLE, and many of them have been of her being seen dead. This worries him; ALBAFICA feels responsible for ANNABELLE. With a swirl of his cloak and a muttered “thank you” to MANIGOLDO, he is gone.)
MANIGOLDO: (turns to speak to THE MASTER) What do you think, should we-?
(He stops, noticing that she is gone, the prints of her boots in the dirt of the road leading in the direction of the TARDIS. He swears under his breath and runs off after her- MANIGOLDO feels a certain responsibility to protect THE MASTER, as he was told to guard her.)
(SCENE: a shed. AVERY is crouched in a stall, hardly daring to breathe. His sword was shattered in a previous battle, and he is badly injured and shaken. AVERY has recently heard the news of the TARDIS being overtaken; he believes GIORGETTA and KARDIA to be dead. Suddenly, he hears a sound which makes his blood run cold- the sound of metal armor scraping against the floor. He believes this to be a specter, and grabs the only weapon at his disposal- a short dagger which wouldn’t really do much good in a real fight. He leaps up and attempts to attack the newcomer, but they block. It is SAGITTARIUS SISYPHUS.)
SISYPHUS: (panting) Put down the knife, Emery, it’s only me.
AVERY: (drops the knife from his shaking hands) Did you… hear the news?
(SISYPHUS looks blank, AVERY sighs sadly.)
AVERY: (melancholy, on the verge of tears) Then nobody told you that Giorgetta is… That the TARDIS was breached and… That she’s de- (he clenches his jaw, trying not to weep) I can’t say it.
SISYPHUS: (surprised and angry) Giorgetta is dead?!
AVERY: (weakly) Yes. She’s gone, Sisyphus.
SISYPHUS: (sits down in the stall next to AVERY, looking shaken. He’s bleeding badly) You loved her?
AVERY: (sadly) Don’t say it like that. I still love her. Even though she’s gone-
(he buries his face in his hands)
SISYPHUS: (quietly) Avery...
AVERY: (shakily) Y-yes?
SISYPHUS: (gives a small encouraging smile) I just remembered something I saw a few moments ago… but it was probably nothing.
AVERY: (confused) What was it?
SISYPHUS: (thoughtful) I was chasing after a specter when I saw it. It was far away, so I may be wrong. But at the bottom of the cliff, I saw Scorpio Kardia standing in the middle of the river. There were others who were wounded there, too. He was carrying somebody, and that somebody was very much alive. I could tell because she was struggling from his holding her too tightly. I feel I may be mistaken, but that girl looked like Giorgetta.
AVERY: (surprised, hopeful) Do you think it could be possible that she’s alive?
SISYPHUS: I know I saw Kardia. Nobody else would treat a woman like that. Plus, he’s kind of hard to miss, what with that mop of blue hair. He’s annoying, but he’d never leave an innocent girl in distress. If he’s alive and in his usual spirits, there’s a good chance Giorgetta is too.
AVERY: (stands up) Then I must find her!
SISYPHUS: (standing up as well) Not alone you won’t.
AVERY: (surprised) But aren’t you needed elsewhere?
SISYPHUS: My conscience would never allow me to let you go out there alone and unarmed. If you were to die, then it would be through my negligence.
AVERY: (smiles slightly) Thank you, Sagittarius.
SISYPHUS: Don’t mention it, Time Lord.
(They dash off in the direction of the TARDIS as it begins to rain.)
(SCENE: A mountain pass. The rain is coming down quite hard now. GIORGETTA and KARDIA have stopped to rest. Suddenly, THE MASTER comes dashing out of nowhere and runs to GIORGETTA’s side.)
THE MASTER: (breathing hard from running so far so fast) Giorgetta! I need to speak with you!
GIORGETTA: (surprised) Master? Wha-?
THE MASTER: (ashamed) I apologize for before. Although I do admire your abilities when it comes to vanquishing Daleks, that’s not the only reason I seek out your company. You see, there’s a reason I never took a companion. You were the only companion I wanted. I know I profess myself to be devoid of caring or emotion, but the truth is, I consider you my one and only friend. If you were to estrange yourself from me, then I truly would be alone in the world. Can you forgive me?
GIORGETTA: (surprised and touched) O-of course. I never thought- I-
(she smiles and hugs THE MASTER, who is surprised by this gesture. Since she is not accustomed to being hugged, she stands, stiff as a board, as GIORGETTA embraces her. She is also blushing a very deep red.)
THE MASTER: (embarrassed) Giorgetta… please, contain yourself!
GIORGETTA: (letting go) I’m sorry, it’s just that I never knew you thought of me as a friend. I’m honored to be your one friend, Master.
(She smiles again, and the glow in her chest area returns. It grows brighter and brighter at an alarming rate. KARDIA leaps up, swearing.)
KARDIA: (angry, worried) Don’t-!
(The glow intensifies, until blinding white light eclipses everything. AVERY and SISYPHUS are further down the mountain; they see the glow and start running towards the pass. It can even be seen from the city. The DOCTOR and ASMITA see it as well and start running in its direction.)
GIORGETTA: (awestruck) I understand now…
KARDIA: (sheilding his eyes) Giorgetta, stop this!
GIORGETTA: (same awestruck tone) Those Daleks who killed my family… they got me, too. I would have died, but… the TARDIS…. I became part of the TARDIS, somehow...
THE MASTER: (eyes widening) Yes, that’s right. (terrified as she realizes the truth) GIORGETTA!!! YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS NOW!!!
GIORGETTA: (her form can barely be discerned through the light) I know what I am, why the Doctor didn’t want me to fight. I know what would happen if I let this light free to work whatever magic it can. I am the heart of the TARDIS. And I will use the power that gives me to end this Holy War.
(The light begins spreading across the landscape. Each and every specter it touches evaporates into dust. THE MASTER forces her way to GIORGETTA’s side.)
THE MASTER: (despairing) Giorgetta, please stop this! Please, you’ll die if you use all that power!
GIORGETTA: (smiles) Master…
THE MASTER: (crying) Don’t do this! They’re not worth it, none of them are! What will I do without you?! What will the Doctor and your friends do?! Please, don’t go like this! GIORGETTA!!!
(The light suddenly dissipates and GIORGETTA falls to the ground, eyes closed. Everyone looks on in shock, not daring to breathe, hoping against hope that she’ll sit up and be fine. AVERY runs to her side.)
AVERY: (distraught) She’s not breathing!
THE MASTER: (nervous laugh) That’s not possible- she’s fine! She can’t die like this!
DOCTOR: (sadly) There’s nothing we can do for her. She’s gone, Master.
THE MASTER: (shaking slightly) No-!
(She sinks to her knees beside GIORGETTA’s body, crying. The others keep their distance, not wanting to disturb her grieving. Suddenly, THE MASTER stands up and gives a small smile.)
THE MASTER: (shaky, sad) I guess now is as good a time as any, then. She’s gone, it won’t matter if I do it now…
(the familiar golden mist begins to swirl around her fingers and THE MASTER starts to regenerate. As it happens, those watching begin to notice silvery white light snaking over the landscape towards GIORGETTA. It swirls around her body, almost like a silvery version of THE MASTER’s regeneration. The light from both is veyr bright, many avert their eyes.)
DOCTOR: (awestruck) I don’t believe it- the energy of the TARDIS is returning to Giorgetta!
(Suddenly, both “regenerations” culminate in a flash of light and there is nothing.)
(SCENE: The TARDIS, morning. GIORGETTA wakes up lying in a bed. Sunlight is streaming through the window. Suddenly, a door at the end of the room opens, and the DOCTOR enters.)
DOCTOR: (smiling) Finally, you’re awake. I thought I’d lost you for a while there, companion.
GIORGETTA: (sleepily) Doctor? What happened?
DOCTOR: Oh, quite a lot. You single-handedly defeated many legions of specters, and made quite a dent in Hades’ numbers.
GIORGETTA: (still a little confused) Yes, I think I remember now. Is everyone alright?
DOCTOR: (cheerful) Oh, they’re fine. They all made it. There’s quite a queue outside your door, though. Everyone wants to see you. Shall I tell them you’re awake?
GIORGETTA: (smiles) Wouldn’t want to keep our friends waiting, would we?
(Meanwhile, outside the door, KARDIA is pacing.)
KARDIA: (annoyed) How long is she gonna make us wait, huh? If Giorgetta dies after putting us through all this, I swear I’m gonna kill her!
AVERY: (worriedly) Please don’t talk like that. I’ve already lost her once, I don’t fancy it happening again.
(Suddenly, the DOCTOR sticks her head out of the room)
DOCTOR: (giving them all a cheery thumbs up) She’s awake!
(everyone runs for the door at once.)
(GIORGETTA is sitting inside when everyone bursts in at once. She smiles and gives a shaky wave hello.)
GIORGETTA: (smiles) Hello, everyone!
KARDIA: (standing up, brushing himself off) I don’t know what the hell you did back there on the mountain, little girl, but don’t EVER do it again, do y’hear me?!
GIORGETTA: (wincing) Believe me, I won’t. I’m sorry I caused you all so much worry.
AVERY: (taking her hand) At least you’re safe now…
GIORGETTA: (hugs him) I’m glad I made it through, Avery. Where’s Sisyphus?
(SISYPHUS steps in through the door, not wearing his armor, unlike the others.)
SISYPHUS: (huffily) I need to speak to the repair crew about the doors and hallways in this place- they’re not wide enough for the wings on my Sagittarius Cloth! If I need to be wearing it, I can’t even leave the control room without getting them stuck in these blasted narrow corridors and entryways!
ANNABELLE: (taken aback) We need to modify every door and hallway so that you can walk through with those giant things?! Do you know what that would mean?! MORE WORK FOR ME, THAT’S WHAT!
SISYPHUS: (pleading) But it’s EMBARRASSING! I had to have Albafica help me several times just trying to find the kitchen this morning!
GIORGETTA: (smiles) It’s okay, Sisyphus. If I was fit to move, then I’d use my power as the heart of the TARDIS to fix the doors and hallways for you. I still think you look impressive without the big golden wings, though.
SISYPHUS: Thank you for the offer, but please- don’t use that power again. You almost died, and that is too great a price to pay for the ability to walk through doors in the TARDIS.
GIORGETTA: (laughs) At least we’ll still HAVE doors when you’re finished with them that way!
(Suddenly, an unfamiliar figure enters- a woman with long, stark white hair and devious violet eyes. GIORGETTA looks at her for a moment, then realizes who she is.)
GIORGETTA: (surprised) Master?!
(THE MASTER winks, for it is indeed she.)
THE MASTER: (smirking) You know me well. Even my Dog of Athena did not recognize me.
KARDIA: (confused) Dog of Athena?
DEGEL: (whacks him with a heavy book) It’s her little lover’s pet name for Manigoldo. Have you been paying attention AT ALL?!
KARDIA: In all honesty, no.
DEGEL: (exasperated) You’ve been sitting in the wings for this entire bloody interview NOT PAYING ATTENTION!? Gods, Kardia, you begged me to bring you along for this one! Begged! My one condition was that you actually absorb some of the storyline! There’s no point if you don’t even LISTEN! What were you even doing all this time?
KARDIA: (smirks) Eating apples and planning how to ruin your fun.
DEGEL: (to himself) How I manage to tolerate this day after day is beyond my comprehension…
THE MASTER: (airily) I simply came to see how you were doing, Giorgetta. Frankly, I didn’t worry in the least about you, even when you were on the verge of death. I am, after all, the greatest and most ruthless of the Time Lords. Fare thee well.
(With that, she sweeps out.)
DOCTOR: (rolling her eyes) Don’t be fooled by her- she was crying her eyes out most of the time.
KARDIA: (smirks) Yeah, she was by your side the whole time, and ranting on and on. (imitating THE MASTER’s voice, but more overexaggerated) Giorgetta, please don’t leeeeeave me! I can’t stand to be alone! You’re my only friend! If you were to die, I’d never forgive myself! I swear to Gallifrey, if you survive I promise to never let you be injured in such a manner again! GIORGETTAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! (laughs) It was pathetic, really. It would have made you laugh to see her carrying on like that.
DEGEL: (unimpressed) That was overacting and you know it. She wasn’t that much of an emotional wreck.
GIORGETTA: (smiling a tad deviously) I suppose you didn’t worry a bit, Kardia?
KARDIA: (sulky) Well, y’know, I was a little worried. I mean, I didn’t carry on like she did, but I still was worried about you, little girl. But not too worried. Only a little.
GIORGETTA: (laughs) I’m honored.
(Suddenly, ALBAFICA peeks into the room.)
ALBAFICA: (calling over his shoulder) It’s this one, Athena-sama!
(All the saints jump to attention, except KARDIA, who looks perfectly at ease and mouths “She likes me best” at GIORGETTA, who stifles a laugh. Athena’s reincarnation, SASHA, enters, followed by ASMITA and ASPROS.)
GIORGETTA: (smiles) I see you’ve discovered that the TARDIS can be a bit hard to navigate. Are you looking for the saints? I’m sorry I’m keeping them from serving you, it’s just that many of them are friends of mine and-
ANNABELLE: (stands up, exasperated) Pisces Albafica, you have quite a lot of explaining to do!
ALBAFICA: (surprised) Annabelle, I-
ANNABELLE: (steps towards him) I don’t even know where to START with you! First, you push me away like I’m just some common lovestruck girl, then you vanish completely! Read my lips: I. Dont. Give. A. Crap. About. Your. Stupid. Poisonous. Blood. If I was worried about that, I would be long gone by now! You’ve got to understand that some people aren’t scared of others just because they’re different! I’m not afraid of you, why can’t you see that?! I’m not being stubborn, I’m NOT a fool! I just want to be your friend, but I can’t do that if you keep shoving me away! Well, guess what, Albafica?! I’m the person you can’t scare away! Because you know what?! (she hugs him) I love you, you stupid, foolish jerk!
ALBAFICA: (blushes) Annabelle…
ANNABELLE: (dangerous) Don’t you DARE try to protest.
(He smiles slightly. Meanwhile, SASHA steps forawrd to speak to GIORGETTA.)
SASHA: (smiling) I want you to know that I’m very, very grateful to you, Giorgetta. Without what you did, many people would have lost their lives.
GIORGETTA: (modestly) It was nothing, really. I don’t deserve such praise, Athena-sama.
SASHA: (shyly) I’d prefer Sasha if you don’t mind. Athena-sama is what the saints call me.
KARDIA: (smirking) I call you Sasha all the time if that’s any consolation.
DEGEL: (annoyed) And you’re an irreverent fool.
GIORGETTA: (smiles) I don’t mind at all… Sasha.
SASHA: Thank you. Again, what you did was truly amazing. I’ve never seen a power like that. Hopefully we won’t need to call on it again. (she gives GIORGETTA one last smile) I hope you recover fast.
GIORGETTA: (laughs) I’m doing quite well now, thanks! It was nice meeting you. (boldly) Say, would you like to hear about some of our adventures in time? If you’re busy with goddess stuff, then that’s alright. I kept a journal of everything that’s happened to me since I began to travel with the Doctor.
SASHA: No, I’m not too busy. In fact, I’d like to hear about your travels very much, Giorgetta.
(With that, she leaves, waving goodbye.)
GIORGETTA: (a little sad) It’s a pity Kim couldn’t be here for this…
(Suddenly, the door flies open, and DEFTEROS enters, carrying KIMBERLEY.)
KIMBERLEY: (blushing a deep, deep red, laughing) Defteros, put me down! I can walk! Eek!
DEFTEROS: (smirking) And what if I refuse?
ASPROS: (mock scolding) Have you no shame, either of you?
KIMBERLEY: He doesn’t, I’m just the hostage here.
(Meanwhile, ASMITA and the DOCTOR are watching this play out from outside in the hall.)
ASMITA: (to the DOCTOR) It seems we’ve reached the end of our little adventure.
DOCTOR: Yes, it would seem that way, wouldn’t it? It’s been fun.
ASMITA: I’d have to agree. Perhaps we should rejoin our friends…
DOCTOR: (smiles) One last thing before we do.
(She leans in close to him just as the lights dim and the curtain closes. The NARRATOR steps out.)
NARRATOR: (looking around, calling backstage) Do we have an epilogue this time?
KARDIA: (peeking out of the curtain) Who’s this guy?
DEGEL: (sighs) He’s the narrator. You can’t fight him.
KARDIA: (annoyed) He’s boring!
NARRATOR: (offended) Can we get on with the epilogue now?
(The curtain re-opens to find ASMITA and the DOCTOR sitting outside the TARDIS.)
DOCTOR: Well, here it is. Giorgetta’s recovering well, the TARDIS was fixed with that burst of power, the Holy War is over, everyone’s happy.
ASMITA: True. I confess day-to-day life in Sanctuary will be quite boring without you and the companions around.
DOCTOR: (smiling) You know, there’s no rush to go anywhere… before we leave this century, we could always have one more adventure.
ASMITA: (blushes) If you mean that short “adventure” we had outside Giorgetta’s room, I’m not sure I can repeat that. I’m the Virgo saint, I need to remain above that kind of thing. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, you understand.
DOCTOR: (laughs) I don’t mean that. We’ve got a time machine, Asmita! We can have years worth of adventures and come back in only five minutes. We could come back roughly the moment we left. So, do you want to try it?
ASMITA: What are we waiting for? Let’s go.
(They walk back into the TARDIS, where the entire cast is hanging out.)
DOCTOR: Come along, everyone! We’re going on a few more adventures! Anyone who doesn’t want to see other worlds, fight for justice, and get chased by Daleks should leave now.
(nobody leaves)
DOCTOR: Alright, then! Let’s see where the TARDIS takes us!
(They take off as the Doctor Who theme plays.)
(Everyone files out of the theater, discussing the show. The NARRATOR is left inside, munching on a hot pocket. Suddenly, an official-looking man in a black business suit walks up to him, handing him a note. The NARRATOR looks at this and goes very, very pale.)
NARRATOR: Come on, just give me a little more time! If anyone finds out about this, I can kiss my job goodbye! You can’t-
(But the man in the suit is already gone.)
END ACT 4

That was a long one. The next one is of a more manageable length.