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Post by Planetbox on Jul 28, 2018 18:23:45 GMT -5
"The farthest a man gets in a series, the more cases of beer he'll need to retain his sanity. The first three of these tales took me an entire pub's worth, so it may be prudent to pen my will posthaste." --Oscar Wilde.
Hello, everyone! Welcome to #kun Plays Something Something I Already Forgot the Title. This will be a bit of a lightning round, as it were! How far can you get before I realize that my life is too short to waste it on this garbage? Or more accurately, how far can I get? I'm less than halfway through this update, and I already wanna stab a few of my non-vital organs with the excessively sharp boots on my Woody toy. Will this be the one that finally breaks me? Also I don't like how close these lines are together so I'm just gonna do this There that's better Stop judging me
 A verdant landscape stretches out before you. Sunlight filters in through the trees, casting an angelic glow on the swamp in front of you. A few feet inland from the shore where the swamp's black water first stroke the sand is a large tree, impressively wide, into which a young green ogre has carved his home. ...Is that Shrek's house? To be honest, I don't actually remember anything about this game or the movies, so I'm just assuming it is. Though I suppose on the quantum level, it would be more accurate to say that Shrek does and does not live here. Indeed, you likely will not know the answer until you actually open the door. Will Shrek be there, or are you about to interrupt some young couple's one-month anniverssary activities? Only time will tell.  Alas, before you can solve the mystery of Schrodinger's Shrek, your path is blocked by some otherwordly force beyond your control. It seems that this force wishes to know your initials. You begin to sweat uncontrollably. After all, you do not actually have a name. In fact, you know very few details of your own appearance, personality, and existence. In fact, your knowledge of quantum theory seems to be the only absolute in this alien wasteland. Is any of this even real? What if the entire forest is just a figment of your imagination? Or even worse, perhaps this otherwordly force is actually a twisted scientist experimenting on you for his own perverse benefit! What if your own thoughts were being implanted into your head by some seventeen year old boy who's mildly annoyed at some other guy for not implanting thoughts into some other guy named Duncan as fast as he would personally prefer him to? Oh yeah, what's your dang initials? |
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Post by Asphoxia on Jul 28, 2018 18:28:01 GMT -5
Your initials are W.H.Y.
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Post by Sable-Xeno on Jul 28, 2018 18:32:12 GMT -5
Your initials are K.U.N.
They stand for Kill Us, Now.
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Post by Dimitri on Jul 28, 2018 18:53:38 GMT -5
Your initials are K.U.N. They stand for Kill Us, Now. Seckunded |
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Post by Planetbox on Jul 28, 2018 19:02:49 GMT -5
"I do not desire the sweet release of death. If this work of fiction is anything to go by, I died and went to hell a long time ago." --Oscar Wilde
After some intense soul-searching, you realize that you desire the sweet release of death. Which isn't particularly helpful in this situation, but you do consider that you should probably check with a psychiatrist or something. Fortunately, Shrek has a degree in psychiatry, or at least you think he does. Anyway you set your name to Khy because that sounds like a great name for an anime protagonist.   As soon as you insert your name, you are whisked away to a grimy movie theatre to watch an anthology on Shrek's life. It turns out that you were incorrect in your assumption that he lived within that tree. In truth, he actually lived in a gingerbread house. At the very least, you have narrowly avoided an awkward confrontation with whoever actually lived there, but perhaps if you had indeed continued in you would have been killed before this awful plot could begin... Ah well, you win some you lose some.  Unfortunately for the young couple, a local representative of the Democratic Party had moved into their house. Obviously, Shrek and his wife were nonplussed about this, as most relationships that are interrupted by the Democratic Party end in failure. This isn't a political statement or anything, it's a pretty objective truth. I mean, imagine if Obama followed you and your date to prom. That'd be pretty awkward.  Fortunately for the couple, some guy with a stupid mustache and an exceedingly long shopping list invited them on a roadtrip to some unspecified location with his interpretive dance group.  The couple was somewhat nervous about the whole affair, especially because the scent of cannabis seemed to constantly emanate from the back of their tour van, but eventually they decided to go. And apparently, you're going with them. Deal with it.
Some swanky music starts playing as the group discusses their plan.  Quite frankly, I was wondering the same thing myself.  Fiona seems to be fairly stressed over this whole situation. It's as if her entire face has decreased in resolution.  It seems the two are now discussing their plans to murder Donkey and leave him behind in a ditch. You aren't exactly against the plan per se, but there are probably better ways to go about it.  Wow, looks like the cutscenes over. Thank goodness. Unfortunately, Shrek forgot how to walk, so you're gonna have to help him out a bit here. What will you do now? |
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Post by Asphoxia on Jul 28, 2018 19:04:37 GMT -5
Close for renovations.
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Post by Dimitri on Jul 28, 2018 19:05:03 GMT -5
Walk.
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Post by Sable-Xeno on Jul 28, 2018 19:06:27 GMT -5
Have Shrek glide around in a T-pose for the rest of the game.
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Post by Planetbox on Jul 29, 2018 7:47:13 GMT -5
“Walking is the mode of transport for the painfully average, who are so weighed down by their mediocrity that they must settle for dragging their feet across the floor. Real intellectuals, like myself... we wavedash.” --Oscar Wilde.
Hey I fixed our filename.
You suggest to Shrek that you all close for renovations, but no one is entirely certain what they’re supposed to be closing. You decide that it would probably be a good idea to close Shrek and Fiona’s gingerbread-tree-swamp-where-the-heck-do-these-people-live house, considering that they’re about to leave on a quest that may ultimately end in their deaths. However, the two haven’t made renovations since Fiona built a new room to house her Qing Dynasty lawn gnomes collection and aren’t likely to restart now.
Either way, you take the liberty of closing up the house by stacking up a bunch of “You must be this tall to ride” signs in front of the door. Now no one’s likely to get in unless they’re a basketball-playing giraffe, but the NBA’s president is notoriously prejudiced against giraffes, so that’s unlikely to happen.
Still in the revenovating mood, you decide to do some renovations on Shrek himself. Normally that would be a great opening line before an epic beatdown, but Shrek gave you a wedgie in eighth grade and you're still kinda scared of him, so you just settle for teaching him how to T-Pose.
Everybody in a five-mile radius is killed by the force of the T-Pose, except (conveniently enough) all plot-relevant characters. Unfortunately, you aren't considered plot-relevant, so you die instantly.
Fiona calls you and Shrek out on your aimless tomfoolery. Not wanting to ruin Shrek's unholy matrimony two minutes after it began, you perform a short musical number to remind Shrek how to walk. With a resounding "Ooookay!" Shrek begins his journey, walking about as far as he can before a B-button appears over Fiona's head. Unable to resist some optional dialogue, he has to stop.
Spoiler alert: they don't. And honestly, I can't blame them. Not only do they have to deal with their daughter hitting it off with an ogre, they also have to deal with their daughter becoming an ogre. Though ideally, one's parents should be accepting of their child's choice in spouse, whether man, woman, or ogre. But I'd imagine Fiona's parents are the subject of quite a few tabloids nowadays, which would make anyone less accepting.  Shrek continues onward, getting stuck at a wall because I can't remember how to jump. Oh wait it's the A-button. Problem solved. Also that butterfly should be dead I dunno what happened there. Shrek continues onward, stopping to talk to an unusually large rodent along the way.    Shrek receives the same advice from the blind mouse as I did back at summer camp in 2007. And just like I did all those years ago, Shrek chooses to completely ignore it, blundering onward with no thought for his own well-being. Hopefully he won't lose half an arm and his copy of De Blob 2 like I did.  Shrek continues to walk, spotting a crude and blatantly racist caricature of himself and his wife. I can't wait for DreamWorks to release Shrek 7: Marsh on Selma.  It turns out Shrek would have done well to heed that mouse earlier, as he is now being assualted by pumpkin goblins. How will he escape from this pickle? |
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Post by Sable-Xeno on Jul 29, 2018 12:26:50 GMT -5
Shamsh those pumpkins by smashing that like button! And also subscribe to my channel! Don't forget about our Gift Card giveaway either! All you gotta do is leave a like on the video, subscribe, turn notifications on, follow me on Twitter, follow me on Tumblr, join my Discord server, add me on Discord, DM me a message saying 'swordfish', perform a human sacrifice to me, and retweet my latest Twitter post in the link below! i.ytimg.com/vi/VqZhIhXQK4M/hqdefault.jpg |
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Post by OshaliteX2 on Jul 29, 2018 15:12:15 GMT -5
Start a movement for pumpkin rights and then smash the pumpkins anyway.
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Post by Planetbox on Jul 31, 2018 18:36:03 GMT -5
"Hmm, perhaps I should make a YouTube account? I've always wanted to try this 'vlogging' thing... Just imagine it: emerging from the textual medium I am so limited by to regale my subscribers with the tale of my first one-night stand on the Jersey Turnpike. What a glorious sight that would be..." --Oscar Wilde
Instead of smashing his enemies with his fists like one usually would, Shrek decides to smash that mf like button!!! Upon doing so, he finds himself magically transported to YouTube Rewind 20XX.
<iframe width="24.25999999999999" height="14.080000000000041" style="position: absolute; width: 24.26px; height: 14.08px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 5px; top: 132px;" id="MoatPxIOPT0_65512426" scrolling="no"></iframe> <iframe width="24.25999999999999" height="14.080000000000041" style="position: absolute; width: 24.26px; height: 14.08px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 1142px; top: 132px;" id="MoatPxIOPT0_59315733" scrolling="no"></iframe> <iframe width="24.25999999999999" height="14.080000000000041" style="position: absolute; width: 24.26px; height: 14.08px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 5px; top: 772px;" id="MoatPxIOPT0_96783292" scrolling="no"></iframe> <iframe width="24.25999999999999" height="14.080000000000041" style="position: absolute; width: 24.26px; height: 14.08px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 1142px; top: 772px;" id="MoatPxIOPT0_46039197" scrolling="no"></iframe> <iframe width="13.440000000000055" height="8" style="position: absolute; width: 13.44px; height: 8px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 275px; top: 132px;" id="MoatPxIOPT1_32950665" scrolling="no"></iframe> <iframe width="13.440000000000055" height="8" style="position: absolute; width: 13.44px; height: 8px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 883px; top: 132px;" id="MoatPxIOPT1_23417235" scrolling="no"></iframe> <iframe width="13.440000000000055" height="8" style="position: absolute; width: 13.44px; height: 8px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 275px; top: 474px;" id="MoatPxIOPT1_65993651" scrolling="no"></iframe> <iframe width="13.440000000000055" height="8" style="position: absolute; width: 13.44px; height: 8px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 883px; top: 474px;" id="MoatPxIOPT1_3078502" scrolling="no"></iframe> 
Everyone's favorite YouTubers are gathered here today to celebrate the many amazing things that happened for YouTube in 20XX, such as an awareness movement for the pumpkins destroyed by "pumpkin chucking", the sensational Cheez-Whiz challenge, and the ability to turn off autoplay in video playlists. Normally, this would be a pretty big deal, but Shrek hasn't seen any of these people in his life, no matter how many subscribers they have. Eventually, Shrek approaches a young Swedish man, hoping to get some assistance with those nasty goblins.
"Oy, fella." Shrek says, despite the fact that I have no idea how Shrek speaks. "I've got these ruddy pumpkins all over me bum. You think you could lend a hand?" "Sure thing bro," the man replies, even though I have even less of an idea of how he speaks. "I've got just the thing!" PewDiePie immediately releases a video on his channel titled "PUMPKIN GOBLINS [MEME REVIEW] 👏 👏 #420" in which he roasts the goblins so hard that they turn into poorly-carved Fortnite Jack O' Lanterns. Shrek steals their money without hesitation and continues onward.    Shrek finds his path blocked by a barrier of rubble, which is somehow holding itself together within the pit. Maybe their magic rocks or something, I dunno. Either way he slams his butt on them so hard that they shatter into a million pieces. Within the caverns below, a mysterious druid with only one nostril teaches him how to pick things up.  Upon exiting the chasms, Shrek finds an impassable chasm with untold riches lying on the other side. However, the tiny tree branch which he had just bounced off - amazingly not breaking under his girth - didn't launch him high enough to reach the ledge. What would he do now? Suddenly, the powerful epiphany of figuring out how to defeat the pumpkin goblins with PewDiePie's help combined with the danger of not getting a 100% save file if he screwed this up allowed Shrek to access the morphogenetic field and access a vision of the future.   Of course, the force of Shrek's butt-slam would be more than enough to carry him across the gap! And indeed it did! Soon, he found himself confronted by a magical leprecaun standing around on a ledge, tapping his foot anxiously.  Was he a member of the dangerous Lucky Charms trafficking ring? Shrek approached him to find out.   This was actually a very good question. How many times could one bounce a mouse? Well, it would all depend on what exactly was being used for the bouncing. A trampoline would be more effecting than a rock in bouncing potential, for example. Of course, one would have to factor in whether the mouse even wanted to be bounced, and Newton's Third Law of Physics would also have to be consid-  Crap, this was a sting operation! That mouse is loaded with a hundred pounds of nitroglycerin, which would blow the moment it hit the ground! Shrek can hear the leprecaun laughing off in the distance, no doubt excited to see Shrek's struggle for survival. Shrek clenches his fists like Arthur in all those memes, determined to bounce that mouse more times than any ogre ever had before! What will you do now? ((I dunno what happened on the left there but I think it's an improvement so I'm leaving it)) |
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Post by OshaliteX2 on Jul 31, 2018 19:07:40 GMT -5
Use the thing that happened on the left there to make an infinite mouse-bouncing pad and leave to go punch the leprechaun in the face.
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Post by Asphoxia on Aug 5, 2018 20:23:21 GMT -5
Wonder if the thing on the left is an ARG.
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Post by Sable-Xeno on Aug 6, 2018 15:34:05 GMT -5
Use the thing that happened on the left there to make an infinite mouse-bouncing pad and leave to go punch the leprechaun in the face. Seconded Alex: Thirded Sable: Fourth'd Sean: Fifth'd Li: Sixth'd Marcus: Seventh'd Repead ad-nauseum with each of my OCs until at least a hundred people suggest this action. |
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Post by Planetbox on Aug 11, 2018 15:35:59 GMT -5
"It seems clear to me by now that #kun Plays Shrek 2 for the Game Boy Advance is not a project born of a passionate soul, but one of a struggling one, intending to filter the out the darkness within themselves through this twisted excuse for a work of fiction." --Oscar Wilde
You briefly ponder whether or not that thing on the left was an ARG. In all honesty, it probably wasn't, though you somewhat wish it was. Alas, you can imagine that if the author had the neurological talent necessary to produce an ARG, they would be making one more interesting than an offshoot to a Shrek video game.
However, Shrek does not ponder these things, as he is currently attempting to prevent himself by getting absolutely demolished by bomb-toting rodents. So, he grabs that weird thing on the side of the page without hesitation and stabs it into the end of the mushroom before him. He then raises it to the heavens, sending the mouse so high that it outpaces the lowly limits of the scoreboard, earning him an infinite number of points.
This impressive score allows him to immediately return to his that solitary cliff where he first met the leprecaun and take his revenge.  The punishment is brutal and efficient. Shrek's savage blow propels the wily smuggler off the side of the cliff, where he plummets to the ground far below. Ha, there's certainly no way he'll be turning up in future levels after that! No sirree! Unfortunately for Shrek, the game's programming refused to yield to his awe-inspiring shutdown of the leprecaun's entire existence, and he would no doubt return in future stages. Though, all things considered, it was unlikely that this poor excuse for a CYOA would make it that far into the game, so for our purposes he is effectively dead.  Continuing onward, Shrek happens upon a young fellow holding a large sack. As Shrek stops and attempts to shake his hand, he suddenly opens the sack, sending out a seemingly infinite supply of pumpkin goblins! This man was nothing more than a racist goon, no doubt! What can Shrek do to save himself from such an unfortunate fate? |
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Post by Sable-Xeno on Aug 11, 2018 18:54:25 GMT -5
Plant a 'One Way' sign in front of the boy pointing towards the bag, forcing the pumpkins to walk back into it.
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Post by OshaliteX2 on Aug 12, 2018 17:34:13 GMT -5
Then also punch the pumpkins.
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Feed me lemons or feed me life!
